At Least I Do Not Have Tumorsyphilisitisosis

I have finally come to grips with how my life is most likely to end. Oh, it's not going to be a heart attack that kills me. It's not going to be cancer or a stroke or SARS or Avian Flu. And it certainly is not going to be Dragon Pox, Uromysitisis, Boneius Eruptus, the Cordilla Virus or Conjoined Twin Myslexia**. One day, I am simply going to be sitting in front of the TV watching the Cubs and my body will stop functioning out of a lethal mixture of frustration, annoyance and stress. The only real question is will it be Dusty, Big Z or a player to be named who finally does me in.

Look, I can't explain why I care so dang much. But, almost 34 years later, I have come to the conclusion that it is too late to change. I am who I am and I'm going to continue to live and die with every Iniana jumper, every Bears' pathetic wide receiver screen, and, certainly, every pitch, hit and catch by the Chicago Cubs.

And, at this rate, this year is likely to be my last.

Now don't get me wrong, when it comes to the first eighteen games of the 2006 Cubs season, there is undoubtedly a lot to be excited about. Four games over .500 with Kerry, Mark, Wade and D.L(ee) on the shelf is more than respectable. Greg Maddux is pitching as if it is still 1991 and Terminator 2, Silence of the Lambs and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead have the nation flooding movie theatres. Juan Pierre is the leadoff hitter Cubs' fans have dreamed of since Ivan DeJesus. The bullpen is as good as I can ever remember. Ronny Cedeno and Weasley have brought energy, enthusiasm and an exciting brand of baseball to the North Side.

But, and I have said this before, I not quite ready to force the kids to get jobs so I can afford 2006 World Series Tickets. And I'm not selling my prized collection of Steve Trout baseball cards either.

The truth, in my mind, is that the Cubs continue to play mind-numbingly stupid baseball. Yes, they have proven that they are actually capable of manufacturing runs this year. Yes, they are exciting and aggressive on the bases (and not in a bad-Wendell Kim sort of way, either). And, yes, they lead the majors in batting average with runners in scoring position. All good things, no doubt. But, with the good, we have to take the bad.

It all starts at the top. Now, I have never been a Dusty-basher and I think that a lot of Cubs fans seem to forget that Dusty has lead the team to more success over the last four years than any other manager likely could have. Anyone remember Bruce Kimm? Tom Trebelhorn? Jim Essian? But, lately Dusty has been managing as if he is letting Darren make decisions for him. His idiotic double-switch of Todd Walker on Saturday was the dumbest decision since Uncle Jessie's ill-fated choice to go sky diving on the morning of his wedding. Other decisions have been almost as questionable.

Speaking of Saturday, that will likely go down as one of the most agonizing games of the year. The Cubs collect six hits and four walks in five innings but are only able to puch one run across the plate. Meanwhile, in the bottom of the fifth, Rusch walks the #8 hitter (the always dangerous Ted Williams, I mean, So Taguchi) to clear the pitcher's spot in the inning (idiotic move #1). He then proceeds to walk pinch hitter John Rodriguez (idiotic move #2). And then, after giving up a single to 8-year old David Eckstein, he walks Hector Luna to load the bases with Albert Pujols on deck. Let me repeat that...HE WALKS HECTOR LUNA TO LOAD THE BASES WITH ALBERT PUJOLS ON DECK!!! (super-ultra-mega idiotic move of the year #1).

Final score: Cardinals 4, Cubs 1. Sigh.

The bottom line is that the little things will kill you. You can't walk the #8 hitter with two outs and no one on in an inning and expect to win games. The baseball gods will get you every time.

Heck, walks in general will kill you. Not only are you giving your opponent a free base (hey, calm down there Doc Gooden...that is not what I meant) but the pitcher ends up having to throw a 85-mph meatball that is inevitably crushed. Jerome Williams could not find the plate Friday night and paid for his troubles by receiving a (one-way?) ticket to Iowa (be sure to say hello to Kerry and Mark when they get there). Big Z had trouble with the strike zone last night and gave up three runs as a result to the Florida Toddlers. To quote Crash Davis...David Aardsma couldn't hit water if he fell out of a f*cking boat.

On the other side of the coin, the inability to take a walk can kill you. Jacque Jones is hailed as a hero this morning for his game-winning three-run home run and, with his early season struggles, it is nice to see him get a big hit. That said, I keep harkening back to the bottom of the sixth inning when Jacque proved to have the baseball intelligence of a peanut. And not just any ol' peanut...a mentally challenged peanut. With the Cubs down 3-0, Weasley led off the inning by drawing a four-pitch walk. Einstein Jones then swung at the first pitch, which was a good five inches off the plate, and popped out. What in the name of Nomah is going on here? (BTW, if you want to see who the major league leaders in fewest walks per plate appearance is, I do not recommend using the search terms "free swingers." Of course, if you want to see pictures of Ty and Judy Wilson of Scranton, PA, learn their likes and dislikes, and find out what happened the night their neighbors brought over a copy of "Masochistic Maidens"...)

11-7? I couldn't be more delighted, but I still feel like the roof is likely cave in at any moment.

On the other side of town, the White Sox keeping winning. Last year, I marveled as the Sox seemed to get break after break and, so far, this year things are no different. Toronto's Roy Halladay, undeniably one of the AL's best pitchers, misses a single start as a precaution and it just so happens to come during the weekend that the Jays are in Chicago. Twins' leadoff hitter (.333 avg) and sparkplug Shannon Stewart misses the entire series to be with his wife as the couple welcomed a child (the anti-Tyson Chandler if you will). Second baseman Luis Castillo tweaks a knee and misses the series. The team has now enjoyed a full 12 months of beneficial breaks. That said, the Sox are one heck of a team and the the fact that they have the best record in baseball is not a fluke.

Anyone want to guess what injury Aramis will suffer during the May 16-18 series against the Nationals?

You constantly hear that Aramis and a few others need to "step it up" in the absence of Derrek Lee. I know that I am not the first person to ask this, but what exactly does that mean? Is Aramis sitting around thinking "Oh great, before when D. L(ee) was playing I could loaf and lollygag and put forth a half-ass effort, but now I actually have to try to do well?" Does Neifi Perez suddenly have to turn into a .310 hitter? Does that thing Freddie Bynum actually have to hit the ball? I don't get it...

So, New York Met broadcaster Keith Hernandez said a few silly things about the fact that San Diego Padres' massage therapist Kelly Calabrese was in the Padres' dugout. Things that were deemed "inappropriate" by Hernandez's employer SportsNet New York. Things that were called a "little shocking" and a "discredit to women" by Calabrese, herself. C'mon people. Were his comments really that bad? After all, isn't this a guy who has become as famous for his "Just For Men" hair color commercials as he is for his 17-year career? Isn't this the same guy who couldn't get to second base with Elaine?

Personally, I find absolutely nothing offensive in Hernandez's remarks that women do not belong in the dugout. It's the same as if Meredith Viera said that men have no place watching The View. I don't necessarily agree with Keith. After all, someone needs to clean up all the empty Powerade cups and discarded sunflower seeds. And that bat rack sure could use a good scrubbing.

It is a really good thing that nobody except me, Mike Myers and the province of Sasketchewan is paying attention to the NHL playoffs. Otherwise, I have to suspect that the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) would be a heck of a lot more embarrased over their Comcast-impersonation on Friday night. OLN lost the signal to the Red Wings-Oilers game with 1:20 to play in the third period. The game was tied at 2-2 at the time.

Give the Bulls a lot of credit. They continue to fight hard and are laying an excellent foundation for the future. They simply are not as experienced or talented as the Heat and, as a result, have trouble making the big play in the closing minutes of games.

They are also hampered by officials that seem intent on keeping Shaq and Dwyane Wade in the playoffs for as long as possible. In my opinion, the officiating has been very poor with the Heat getting practically every call. That said, would somebody please tell Tom Dore, Red Kerr and Stacey King to stop whining on every single possession. Pretty soon, Ernest and Julio Gallo is going to be an unofficial sponsor of the telecasts. Heck, I have not heard that much whining since Bill Laimbeer was in the NBA.

Corey-o-Meter: Rough couple of days for our favorite Oriole since last week's explosion. Zero hits in his last eight at-bats, lowering his season average to .156.

See you all tomorrow...

**Today's pop culture trivia: All five of these maladies are fictional. Without googling the answer, what the the five references from? What about the one in the title?