It was late. I was sitting at the Wagner family dining room table flipping between highlights of Pedro Martinez’s seventh consecutive start without a win and The Reality TV channel’s newest hit “Who Wants to Be a Honduran Rodeo Clown," while trying to figure out a way to force the Texas Rangers to trade star infielder Michael Young to the Cubs for Kerry Wood (unfortunately, I could not seem to get past the inevitable fact that Rangers management would likely insist on Stephen Hawking Hairston being part of the deal, once they realize that he has roughly the IQ of a glazed donut – c’mon Texas GM Jon Daniels…We’ll throw in a brand new MRI machine!). I may even have dozed off.
Suddenly, the TV flickered to a rerun of the vastly underrated cartoon The Family Guy and, before I knew it, I found myself face-to-face with South Park creators and renowned troublemakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone. With Eminem’s hit single “The Real Slim Shady” playing in the background, Matt and Trey reminded me of the importance of laughter. They reminded me that if we cannot poke fun at the world around us, it promises to be a much more boring place. Most importantly, they reminded me that, in the end, whether Chief Nokahomer or Big Chief Triangle is offended by what is written in The Random Thoughts is ultimately about as important as whether Jessica cheated on Nick or Nick cheated on Jessica or whether he finally realized that for all of her “attributes,” she makes most of the chicks that appear on the Howard Stern Show look like Mensa candidates.
You know, I think that Matt and Trey may have a point…
So, the Illini shall continue to be the Illini, the Braves shall, henceforth, remain the Braves, and Kansas shall forevermore be Team Voldemort. Just because the NCAA is buying into all of this political correctness crap, doesn’t mean that I have to. The NCAA’s ridiculous crackdown on the use of “offensive” nicknames is not going to permeate the Random Thoughts. And does it really matter if it is slightly offensive? Heck, “offensive” humor is some of the funniest stuff out there. Remember the small hilarious book that everyone wanted to get their hands on in third grade…titled Outrageously Offensive Jokes? No? Then think about Matt and Trey’s true work of art “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.” If you can honestly say that you did not laugh at that movie, you either did not see it, had the sound turned off, or find nothing funny about the concept of an Uncle F*cker or the idea of black soldiers being tied to the front of tanks and planes. In any case, I pity you.
Eric Cartman truly said it best… The NCAA wants to ban the use of Illini, Seminoles, and Warriors? That’s a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap!
So, here is your official warning. Today, I am going to play on stereotypes big time and I just may offend some. In fact, in response to the idiocy of Myles Brand and his minions, I hereby declare this as the first official Random Thoughts tribute to political incorrectness (maybe ABC will let me replace Bill Maher on the late night schedule). If you do not like it, I’m sure that Oprah has a lame website where Dr. Phil can chastise you for failing to respect your own inner self or you can always divert your attention by painting some birds and flowers or by decorating some doilies. Just don’t forget to pick up your apron, Brutus. The dry cleaners called. They said that they couldn’t get the fondue and sushi stains out.
And if you feel left out…keep reading. Your turn is probably coming…
* We are only a day away from the start of the 2006 World Cup to be played in Germany (yes, Germany. The motherland that counts prostitution rich Hamburg among its larger cities. Better cancel the travel arrangements of the Duke Men’s Lacrosse team). I feel compelled to say that, in my opinion, the World Cup truly is an extremely exciting event and I really get a kick out of it (oh, I kill me!) every four years. Guys getting kicked lightly in the shins, yet acting like Rodney King after a run-in with the LAPD, squirming around the field and whining like Jeff Garcia and Ellen DeGeneres after finding out that neither the Indigo Girls no Melissa Etheridge can make it to the exclusive showing of Brokeback Mountain, and radical skinheads treating the paying customer like towel-headed prisoners are treated at Guantanamo. That said, I actually really enjoy watching the games and you simply cannot beat Andres Cantor calling a goal by Brazilian star Kaka. Goooooooooooooalllllll!
Except of course for Chris Singleton’s trademark call of a Jim Thome home run… “Thome hits the ball. It is flying. Over the wall. Home run. Explain to me again how I got this job? Steroid Sammy, that retarded guy who screwed up my order last night at Popeye’s and Fenster from the Usual Suspects must have all been unavailable.”
But, think of the devastating effect that the World Cup is sure to have on the worldwide economy. It is estimated that up to 40% of the population in some countries will skip work to watch their favorite team play. In fact, I remember sitting around in a Mexico City government office in 2002, waiting for a 9:00 am meeting to start. The meeting finally kicked off at 10:15, once Mexico had their jumping beans stuffed up their butts by Team USA. The meeting did not go well.
Now, I do not plan on taking the day off to watch the Americans in their opening round game against the Czech Republic (it’s a good thing “thewife” and I cannot afford a cleaning service anymore, huh?) and I honestly do not expect any of my co-workers to miss time either, so the World Cup is unlikely to have a direct impact on me and my profession. That said, you can bet that millions of Americans, semi-Americans, guest-worker program Americans and people who if discovered may very well get a well deserved one-way ticket back to the tortilla, landscaping equipment and steroid factory in Manzanillo, will be conspicuously absent in the next couple of weeks. And it is the little everyday inconveniences that are going to get on my nerves. I mean, who in the heck wants to bus their own table?
And now I see that both Japan and Korea are in the tournament, as well? Sheesh, Roger Clemens had better buy some new clothes or risk getting awfully upset with his dry cleaner again. And Brutus, I’d head over to pick up that apron before Toys R Us has a one-day only sale on Hello Kitty accessories. You’ll need it to make that soufflé you were planning.
* Speaking of Roger Clemens, I am dumbfounded that ESPN actually thinks that the world cares enough to broadcast his minor league start for the Lexington Legends on Tuesday evening. Isn’t there anything else that the network could have showed last night? Isn’t there a 24/7 camera focused on LeBron James? You are already broadcasting an insipid program where Keyshawn Johnson and Hines Ward play Madden video football for the viewer's “enjoyment.” How about a show where we get to watch King James and the single greatest basketball player in God’s creation, Dywayne Wade go one-on-one at NBA Live 2006 in LeBron’s Hummer? Can’t we watch Michael Vick practice overthrowing receivers? No? How about him practicing under-throwing receivers then? A program dedicated to Mario Lemieux getting his lymph nodes cleaned out or Brett Favre attending a painkillers anonymous meeting? How about a new show titled Bonds on Lebron? Or LeBron on Vick? Or Vick on throwing the perfect pass…to the other team. Or Vick on fumbling? Or Vick on putting up with a horse’s ass for a brother? C’mon Worldwide Leader in Sports! Get with the program.
For gosh sake, there was even a Red Sox –Yankees game that you ignored. Do you realize how pissed off fans in Boston and New York are at you ESPN? Liam, Patrick and Seamus O’Flaherty, along with all 26 of their siblings (all between the ages of three and 29) are threatening to haul their drunk selves over to Bristol to jam a Guinness bottle and some corned beef and cabbage up Dan Patrick’s well manicured arse. Over in Gotham, Vinny DiSincenzia is planning on calling up Fat Tony, Legs and Louie and asking them to pay Stuart Scott (c’mon Stu, Kenny Mayne acts more black then you. Boo-Yah? Please…) a visit. Don’t call me if you wake up with the head of a horse in your bed. Fugetaboutit!!
* In the past, I have accused Scotty Pods of making a deal with the devil. After spending so many unproductive years in the minor leagues, it just did not make any sense to me that he could suddenly blossom into a terrific major league player. Well, once Scotty brought his 2006 average above .250, I was forced to issue Pods a lukewarm apology.
Well, did you know that Scotty’s fine bride is actually former Playboy playmate and St. Pauli girl Lisa Dergan? Yep. With the huge boobs and everything. This only goes to prove one thing…his deal obviously had a renewal clause. Either that or he was able to blackmail Bobby Jenks into going on a date with Olga.
* That begs the question…why doesn’t Jenks just make his own deal with the devil? After all, former playmate ditz-queen Nikki Ziering is now available after finally realizing that her husband Ian Ziering is, well, Ian Ziering, and ran faster than the prisoners at Abu Ghraib when they saw Lynndie England on her way. Look, you are only allowed one deal with the prince of darkness per lifetime and I think it is plainly obvious that Jenks bargained to have an all-you-can eat pork rind and pig hoof bar opened up near his home in the on the south side.
* Did anyone catch Mike Kiley’s recent article in the Chicago Sun Times on Ron Santo’s illness and the fact that he would not be traveling with the team on the Cubs’ current 10-game road trip. Before the team left for St. Louis, Kiley commented than Santo was bed-ridden and would “likely miss the first two legs of the trip.” At least, he did not write that Stevie Wonder would see to it that “I Just Called to Say I Love You” is never covered by Clay Aiken or that you have got to give former Angels, Yankees, Sox and Brewers pitcher Jim Abbott a hand for his relatively successful 10-year career. Remember folks, humor is just the absence of terror.
By the way, I just wanted to say that I’d sure like to meet famous teen surfer Bethany Hamilton. I hear she comes armed with a great sense of humor.
* The Big Ten Conference announced that Indianapolis will be the exclusive home of the men’s and women’s basketball tournaments from 2008-2012. First of all, let’s get the women’s issue out of the way. I don’t care. If I wanted to watch extremely tall girls playing sports, I’d either get a Misty May/ Kerri Walsh highlight tape or beg the Chicago Bliss to sign the vertically blessed Brooke Shields and Elle McPherson to play in the new Lingerie Football League (other teams include the Dallas Desire, the New York Euphoria and the Los Angeles Temptation). Exploitative to women? Hell yeah!
Wait a minute, did I actually read the Big 10’s press release correctly? Indianapolis was chosen over Chicago? Oh yeah, this makes a lot of sense. Instead of dining at Charlie Trotter’s, Tru and Nine, you can stuff your face at the horrible Buca di Beppo and Cousin Shane’s All-Night Feeding Trough. Instead of staying at the Ritz Carlton on Pearson, you can spend the night with a collection of roaches at the Motel 6 on Hicksville Avenue (the city swears that it will be paved in the spring of 2017).. Instead of spending the off-days visiting Navy Pier, looking at the interesting sea life at the Shedd Aquarium and shopping the Magnificant Mile, you can visit the 1,001 Uses of Corn Museum in Noblesville, look at the interesting road kill on Market Street and get yourself a brand new John Deere straw hat and overalls at the Farm and Fleet. Speaking of road kill, check the scrawl on the chalkboard when you swing open the barn door at Cousin Shane’s. If the braised ‘coon is on special, get it. That’s good eatin’!
All kidding aside, Indianapolis is actually a very good choice. The city literally rolls out the red carpet for the tournaments and treats it like the only show in town (wait, a minute, it is the only show in town. Rifle Ray’s Gun show don’t count). Chicago, on the other hand, is too interested banning foie gras to care. Indy’s facilities are more centralized and Canseco Fieldhouse is reportedly top notch.
* Random Thoughts commenter Orange Whip wants to know why one of the Cubs’ only legitimate power hitters Phil Nevin is not playing everyday. Maybe it is because the Cubs have been playing a lot of day games (please ignore the fact that the game yesterday was played with the Minute Maid Park roof closed…it kills the joke). After all, dude, c’mon…everyone knows that minorities can play better in the heat of the day. They are used to the heat, man. Right Dusty?
Then how do you explain yesterday’s performance of Astros rookie pitcher Chris Sampson? I didn’t actually watch the game, but according to his little picture on MLB Gameday, he certainly isn’t planning on demanding special rights because his uncle’s great-auntie’s next door neighbor’s sister’s former cellmate’s father spent 37 days picking cotton in the fields of Georgia. Hey look, my people spent 40 years roaming the desert and had to run away from that bastard Pharoah so quick that the entire city of Skokie is now forced to eat crappy matzo for an entire week, instead of yummy muffins and cakes and brownies and we are not sitting around crying. You think you have it bad? Try living in a world where gifilte fish is considered a delicacy and instead of eating ham you have to eat kosher latkes (thanks Kyle!).
That actually gives me quite an idea… “Hello admissions counselor at Harvard. This is my daughter Sun Moon LaQuinisha Rabinowitz and my son Shaquille Phu Bien Demoreaux.”
* The NBA Finals kick off tonight on ABC. Good to see that the games will be broadcast in HD. There is nothing I like more than seeing money falling out of Mark Cuban’s pockets in high definition.
Will I be watching? Hell no and if you have to ask why, you had better check your TV programming grid. So, will I be watching George and Weezie on MeTV, channel 23? Once again, heck no! After all, the annual MTV Movie Awards are tonight!! Now, I do not give a rat’s behind about who is the best villain (I nominate A.J. Pierzynski, by the way) or who shared the best kiss (unless it somehow involves the aforementioned Lisa Dergen and surprise bi-sexual Jillian Barberie – the [former?] weather girl on FOX NFL Sunday). Nope, the hostess of the show is none other than Random Thoughts hottie, Jessica Alba! Set your TiVos boys.
* Unfortunately, the NBA Finals does not include two-time league MVP Steve Nash. Nash is a terrific team player, who has made household names out of players like Boris Bell, Raja Barbosa, and Leandro Diaw. The fact that the Phoenix Suns made it all the way to Game Six of the Western Conference Finals is truly amazing and a testament to Nash’s ability to make the players around him better.
But did you actually watch the games? Is Nash really the league MVP? In my mind, that question is still up for debate. I did watch the games and the guy covers people about as well as Charles Tillman. Simply stated, he does not play defense. But, I suppose you have got to give him his props since he actually made many of us in the U.S. who wanted Phoenix to win cheer for a Frenchman, Boris Diaw. Mind you, the guy probably doesn’t bathe and every time the chips are down he puts up as much of a fight as all those wuss men’s tennis players who “retire” in the middle of their matches because their ovaries hurt and begs his American teammates to bail him out, but for a couple of weeks there I was ready to board a plane to Paris.
* Nash, as you may know, is not French, but rather Canadian. I suppose that Gordie and the missus are happy that native-son Steve is no longer playing in the NBA playoffs so they can concentrate 100% on the NHL Stanley Cup Finals. In case you missed last nights game because you were busying watching over and over in slow motion the Old Spice commercial with the sweaty hot girl (I’m guilty!), the Carolina Hurricanes took a 2-0 lead on the Edmonton Oilers in the best of 7 series.
Somewhat surprising, it seems as though ice hockey has really caught on in Carolina. Oh sure, for a while there they had to promise a free autographed picture of Rosco Purvis Coltrane and a die-cast miniature of the General Lee to get people to attend the games, but eventually the fine folks figured out that a red Hurricanes hockey sweater goes quite nicely with a pair of paint stained cut off jean shorts and a pair of 1965 Chuck Taylor high tops. And that “In Rod We Trust” bumper sticker sure looks nice next to the Confederate flag decal and the Toby Keith For President license plate holder on the back of a pick-up.
In fact, things have gotten so rosy from an attendance standpoint, they actually had to cancel an appearance by Dick Trickle at the Wal-Mart and the new exhibit at the Greensboro Municipal Museum featuring the best in discarded chewing tobacco sculpture drew nary a soul during last night’s game.
Meanwhile in America Junior…things…do….not…look…good…eh? Remember what the Simpsons episode when Bart gets sent into the remedial class taught us…they are not really slow they have just been kicked in the head one too many times by a moose.
* Any other White Sox fans interested in sending Juan Uribe and his wife the official “Black Nurses Volumes 1-58” collection on DVD to make sure that he remains "in the mood." Starting shortstop Uribe, hitting a robust .204 on the season, missed the last two games to attend the birth of a child. His replacement Alex Cintron only hit a three-run home run to win the game Tuesday night and followed up those heroics with a game winning single in last night’s big win over the Tigers.
* So it turn out that Sox reliever Cliff Politte has Jamesedwardsitis. This surprises you? Jerry Reinsdorf does own both the Bulls and the White Sox, after all…
* Tonight’s matchup in the Cubs-Reds game…Bronson Arroyo versus, yep…you guessed it, Gopherball Glendon. Oh boy. I hope the baseball fans sitting in the bleachers at the Great American Ballpark remember their gloves.
* Finally, anyone watch the NCAA women’s softball championship series, won by Arizona two games to none over Northwestern? I must admit that I have never had the opportunity to step into the batter’s box against a Jennie Finch or a Lisa Fernandez and I must assume that hitting a ball that is coming awfully fast from a distance of only 43 feet is terribly difficult. That said, when I watched parts of the games, it did not appear as though there was really any real skill involved. Frankly, it just looked like the girls would indiscriminately stick their bats out and hope that the ball hit it. Kind of like Thing Two when he steps up to the plate.
Truth be told, it really does not matter, I guess. I have yet to meet a man who is going to be impressed by the fact that a girl can hit a softball 300 feet. Show us you can cook us a big steak. Clean the spilled beer and nachos off the coffee table. Watch the dang children while we play poker with the boys. Now that’s talent!
*** Have a good night. If I survive the night with my wife (after those last couple of comments), don’t get run over by Jose’s lawn tractor, am not whacked by Guido from Queens, and don’t get a cap popped in my ass by anyone from the hood, I’ll enlighten you with my thoughts about Jason Grimsley and HGH tomorrow.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Illini? How About the Illinois Lou-Doos?
I'm happy to see that the NCAA (you know, the National Con Artists Association) finally has its house in order. Never mind the high school basketball factories that churn out academically-suspect player after player, young men who go to class about as often as Bluto Blutarsky, but magically still manage to maintain their eligibility. Forget about the fact that the BCS is, at best, an unmitigated disaster of Dave Veres proportions and, at best, a not-so-transparent scheme designed solely to protect the financial interests of schools in the power six conferences (who's idea was this really? Kenneth Lay?). And please ignore that many "student-athletes" are given and accept scholarships despite the fact that, from the get go, they plan on attending college for roughly the same period of time as Daniel Simpson "D-Day" Day, that officiating in college sports makes the late Eric Gregg (moment of silence for big Eric............thank you very much) belong in the umpiring Hall-of-Fame, and that eligibility issues often seem as though they are settled with the use of a Ouija board and a Magic 8-Ball. The important thing is that the NCAA is tackling the really important issues. The "seminole" issue of our time -- the continued use of horribly "offensive" team mascots, logos and nicknames. Way to go Myles Brand!
You know, sarcasm can be an awfully tricky thing to convey in wrtiting. I think Stephen Hawking Hairston was tremendously underrated and the Cubs will certainly miss him when he edges out Ryan Wagner to become the A.L. batting champion. See? It's tough.
Anyway, I'm sure this will be much more powerful and effective once the Random Thoughts barnstorming speaker series gets underway. First stop...Sacramento! (Heaven knows they need some entertainment in that town).
The bottom line is that I have sat on the University of Illinois issue for entirely too long without sharing my thoughts on the NCAA's actions with the world. For those of you too busy trying to solve the White Sox bullpen woes by finding Rocky Biddle's phone number (hint, hint...I don't think they have phones in the Montana back woods), the NCAA denied the U of I's appeal of the Association's earlier ruling the Chief Illiniwek is a "hostile and abusive" mascot. Illinois, therefore, is prohibited from hosting any NCAA Championship events as long as Illiniwek continues to dance around the grass at the fake Memorial Stadium and the hardwood at the fake Assembly Hall.
(Okay, here comes the intended sarcasm again). I say good for the NCAA. It's about time that we, as a society, showed more sensitivity toward ethnic minorities and other groups. Chief Illiniwek and his silly little dance is precisely the type of thing that makes me think of Native Americans as nothing more than a bunch of laughable savages, praying for rain, hunting buffalo and dancing around in a headdress that would make Big Bird blush. That said, I pledge that the Random Thoughts will, from here on out, be a 100% politically correct safe haven. It will be a bastion free of all offensive titles, names and illusions. No longer will I mention Chef Boyardee, for fear that female chefs may be offended by the suggestion that all Italian chefs are rotund, eldrly old gents from Sicily. Further, all mentions of St. Pauli Girl Beer and the horrible, horrible picture on the beer bottle's label will be avoided at all costs. After all, Olga, is not the only 540-pound factory worker from the St. Pauli district in the German city of Hamburg who is not blonde, does not have mail-order boobs, and is as far from "fun-loving" as Bill Parcells after learning that T.O. was a Cowboy.
One man. One blog. One stand.
By the way, for those of you planning on taking a trip to the northern regions of Deutschland, prostitution is legal in Hamburg. Olga is waiting. Bring a razor.
Perhaps, the Illini should just consider giving in and changing their nickname. It is really not that uncommon. Universities who have recently taken the plunge include St. John's, Marquette and Miami (Ohio). The real fun involves reviewing old baseball nicknames, though. Did you know that the Atlanta Braves were once the Boston Bees, the Boston Doves and the Boston Beaneaters? The Cleveland Indians were once the Naps and the Bronchos? The Los Angeles Dodgers' long list of former identities includes the Brooklyn Robins, Brooklyn Superbas, Brooklyn Bridegrooms, Brooklyn Grooms, and the Brooklyn Grays? And the St. Louis Cardinals were once the St. Louis Perfectos? Of course, the Cubs were once the Orphans and before that, cover your eyes ChiSox fan's, ... the White Stockings.***
Other franchises that existed at one time or another include the: Brooklyn Tip-Tops, the Brooklyn Gladiators, the Brooklyn Ward's Wonders, the Cincinnati Kelly's Killers, the Cleveland Infants, the Newark Pepper, the St. Paul Apostles, the Wilmington Quick Steps, and the Worchester Ruby Legs. For the record, the Apostles went 2-6 in their only season in existence 1884, while the Ruby Legs must have had ancestors of Jae Kuk Ryu and Todd Wellemeyer pitching for them as they finished with a 2-16 record in 1884.
So, don't be afraid to change your mascot, Illinois. I hear the Ruby Legs is available. They have the same number of championships, don't they?
* Worthless knowledge? I think not. For those of you who vividly remember that former Cub Bill Mueller won the AL batting title in 2003, I encourage you to head on down to ESPN Zone on June 19, when ESPN will be holding a casting call for Stump the Schwaub (3-9 pm). When you kick that swarmy guy's butt after remebering that the Braves were once the Bees, you'll think of the Random Thoughts fondly.
* Okay, now that I have ruffled the feathers of the Dee Brown Fan Club and the rest of his Illini brethren with my last comment (it's like thinking back on the trade of Elton Brand...a cruel, cruel joke), let's talk about something that most of us can agree on (I presume that Ozzie Guillen is not reading this). What joy in the fact that the Small Baby Bears (better not call them by their real name...I do not want to offend the Cub Scouts or Cub foods by equating them with a team that made most of us want to wretch throughout the entire month of May) are beginning to play good baseball. Winners of five out of seven, the North Siders are playing solid baseball and getting contributions from almost everyone on the roster. A couple of observations...
- Einstein Jones may continue to have all the brains of a turnip, but has he ever turned around his season at the plate. His average is up to .310 and he is tied for the team lead with 32 RBI. Further, Jones finally figured out that if you hit the ball just over the wall, you do not have to be worried about being picked off of second base. His 11 home runs leads the team and he has 15 hits in his last 33 at bats with 4 HR, 12 RBI and 9 runs scored. I have not seen a turnaround like this on the ballfield since Ricky Vaughn finally got glasses.
- Last Friday night's win over the State Birds of Illinois (I certainly do not want to offend Edgerrin James, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Rick Pitino or any Catholic religious authority) certainly was not an artistic masterpiece, but it was the type of game that winning baseball teams find a way to pull out. Sixteen hits, including three apiece by Pierre, Barrett, Jones and Cedeno were nice, the fact that the Cubs did not commit a single error in 14 innings was fantastic, and the work of Aardsma, Eyre and Dempster out of the bullpen was terrific. Most notable, however...Little Baby Bear pitchers only gave up three walks in 14 innings and two of those were intentional. Sure, the State Birds of Illinois rapped out 19 total hits, but the damage was minimal thanks to the lack of walks. Lesson learned? Let's hope.
- The Little Baby Bears cannot seem to get world-beaters Ryan Freel, Chad Tracy or Khalil Greene out, but boy have they had Albert Pujols' number this year. Before leaving Saturday's game with an injury, Pujols was a combined 5-29 (.172) with only one home run and 8 RBI against Cubs pitching. By contrast, Pujols has 24 HR and 57 RBI in 156 at-bats (ratios of 1 HR/6.5 AB and 1 RBI / 2.7 AB) against the rest of the league. Further, seven of his 20 strikeouts on the season came against Chicago pitching.
- It's a great time to play the Jetsons' Dogs. They stink. Losers of 11 of their last 13 games, things are so bad they may want to consider replacing Phil Garner with Jimy Williams. Now, that would be poetic justice...
- I'm not particularily depressed that I will not be seeing Scott Williamson and his 14 walks in 21 innings strolling in from the bullpen in the near future. That said, I hate to see anyone get injured especially a guy like Williamson who has been through so much. To have to be placed on the 15-day DL with elbow tendinitis is hard enough, but to suffer such an injury while also suffering from wildpitchitis and fakeinjurondia has got to be especially difficult.
I suppose we should just be thankful that he has not come down with a case of Jebiditis or ChesterAArthritis.
* The Lower Leg Coverings that Have Been Bleached (I'm not sure who I'd be offending here, but I'm not taking any chances) begin a big series against the Orange and Black Striped Jungle Cats (the estate of the dog from the Brady Bunch has asked that his memory be in no way associated with human weight loss phenomenon Pudge Rodriguez or with the chain-smoking cancer advertisement Jim Leyland) tonight at U.S. Comiskular. Yes, I know, the Jungle Cats lead the Lower Leg Coverings by 2 1/2 games in the division, but muy gut tells me that this series is much bigger for Detroit than for Chicago. Despite their bullpen woes (doesn't Scott Radinsky have anything left in the tank?) the South Siders are good enough to be assured of contending the entire season, while the jury is still out on Leyland's crew. To be safe, however, Cliff Politte may want to come down with a case of Scottwilliamsonitis (formally known in the mid 90's as Jamesedwardsitis and Joekleinondria).
* Corey-o-Meter: Start the Kid Corey MLB All-Star campaign! The (now) everyday centerfielder of the Black and Orange Birds That Start With the Letter O, is hitting .287 with 7 HR, 21 RBI, 34 runs scored and a, get this, major league leading 26 stolen bases, including base swipes in 9 consecutive games (the longest streak in the majors since 1986). I'm not sure if it is the crab cakes, peaceful trips to the aquarium at the Inner Harbor, or the ghost of Steroid Sammy, but Corey is looking like a different player in Baltimore. Maybe Ray Lewis threatened to take him to the Gold Club in Atlanta if he didn't improve.
* Finally, the Los Angeles/ Anaheim/ Orange County/ Disneyland Winged Occupants Of Heaven have a game against Tampa Bay in front of at least 267 hearty sould at Tropicana Field. Anyone check the calendar? I'd put my money on any team with the word "Devil" in their team name.
See you all tomorrow.
***Today's trivia: Which current major league baseball team was once the (1) St. Louis Browns; which were once the Washington Senators (two teams are correct for this one); and (3) who was once known as the Seattle Pilots?
You know, sarcasm can be an awfully tricky thing to convey in wrtiting. I think Stephen Hawking Hairston was tremendously underrated and the Cubs will certainly miss him when he edges out Ryan Wagner to become the A.L. batting champion. See? It's tough.
Anyway, I'm sure this will be much more powerful and effective once the Random Thoughts barnstorming speaker series gets underway. First stop...Sacramento! (Heaven knows they need some entertainment in that town).
The bottom line is that I have sat on the University of Illinois issue for entirely too long without sharing my thoughts on the NCAA's actions with the world. For those of you too busy trying to solve the White Sox bullpen woes by finding Rocky Biddle's phone number (hint, hint...I don't think they have phones in the Montana back woods), the NCAA denied the U of I's appeal of the Association's earlier ruling the Chief Illiniwek is a "hostile and abusive" mascot. Illinois, therefore, is prohibited from hosting any NCAA Championship events as long as Illiniwek continues to dance around the grass at the fake Memorial Stadium and the hardwood at the fake Assembly Hall.
(Okay, here comes the intended sarcasm again). I say good for the NCAA. It's about time that we, as a society, showed more sensitivity toward ethnic minorities and other groups. Chief Illiniwek and his silly little dance is precisely the type of thing that makes me think of Native Americans as nothing more than a bunch of laughable savages, praying for rain, hunting buffalo and dancing around in a headdress that would make Big Bird blush. That said, I pledge that the Random Thoughts will, from here on out, be a 100% politically correct safe haven. It will be a bastion free of all offensive titles, names and illusions. No longer will I mention Chef Boyardee, for fear that female chefs may be offended by the suggestion that all Italian chefs are rotund, eldrly old gents from Sicily. Further, all mentions of St. Pauli Girl Beer and the horrible, horrible picture on the beer bottle's label will be avoided at all costs. After all, Olga, is not the only 540-pound factory worker from the St. Pauli district in the German city of Hamburg who is not blonde, does not have mail-order boobs, and is as far from "fun-loving" as Bill Parcells after learning that T.O. was a Cowboy.
One man. One blog. One stand.
By the way, for those of you planning on taking a trip to the northern regions of Deutschland, prostitution is legal in Hamburg. Olga is waiting. Bring a razor.
Perhaps, the Illini should just consider giving in and changing their nickname. It is really not that uncommon. Universities who have recently taken the plunge include St. John's, Marquette and Miami (Ohio). The real fun involves reviewing old baseball nicknames, though. Did you know that the Atlanta Braves were once the Boston Bees, the Boston Doves and the Boston Beaneaters? The Cleveland Indians were once the Naps and the Bronchos? The Los Angeles Dodgers' long list of former identities includes the Brooklyn Robins, Brooklyn Superbas, Brooklyn Bridegrooms, Brooklyn Grooms, and the Brooklyn Grays? And the St. Louis Cardinals were once the St. Louis Perfectos? Of course, the Cubs were once the Orphans and before that, cover your eyes ChiSox fan's, ... the White Stockings.***
Other franchises that existed at one time or another include the: Brooklyn Tip-Tops, the Brooklyn Gladiators, the Brooklyn Ward's Wonders, the Cincinnati Kelly's Killers, the Cleveland Infants, the Newark Pepper, the St. Paul Apostles, the Wilmington Quick Steps, and the Worchester Ruby Legs. For the record, the Apostles went 2-6 in their only season in existence 1884, while the Ruby Legs must have had ancestors of Jae Kuk Ryu and Todd Wellemeyer pitching for them as they finished with a 2-16 record in 1884.
So, don't be afraid to change your mascot, Illinois. I hear the Ruby Legs is available. They have the same number of championships, don't they?
* Worthless knowledge? I think not. For those of you who vividly remember that former Cub Bill Mueller won the AL batting title in 2003, I encourage you to head on down to ESPN Zone on June 19, when ESPN will be holding a casting call for Stump the Schwaub (3-9 pm). When you kick that swarmy guy's butt after remebering that the Braves were once the Bees, you'll think of the Random Thoughts fondly.
* Okay, now that I have ruffled the feathers of the Dee Brown Fan Club and the rest of his Illini brethren with my last comment (it's like thinking back on the trade of Elton Brand...a cruel, cruel joke), let's talk about something that most of us can agree on (I presume that Ozzie Guillen is not reading this). What joy in the fact that the Small Baby Bears (better not call them by their real name...I do not want to offend the Cub Scouts or Cub foods by equating them with a team that made most of us want to wretch throughout the entire month of May) are beginning to play good baseball. Winners of five out of seven, the North Siders are playing solid baseball and getting contributions from almost everyone on the roster. A couple of observations...
- Einstein Jones may continue to have all the brains of a turnip, but has he ever turned around his season at the plate. His average is up to .310 and he is tied for the team lead with 32 RBI. Further, Jones finally figured out that if you hit the ball just over the wall, you do not have to be worried about being picked off of second base. His 11 home runs leads the team and he has 15 hits in his last 33 at bats with 4 HR, 12 RBI and 9 runs scored. I have not seen a turnaround like this on the ballfield since Ricky Vaughn finally got glasses.
- Last Friday night's win over the State Birds of Illinois (I certainly do not want to offend Edgerrin James, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Rick Pitino or any Catholic religious authority) certainly was not an artistic masterpiece, but it was the type of game that winning baseball teams find a way to pull out. Sixteen hits, including three apiece by Pierre, Barrett, Jones and Cedeno were nice, the fact that the Cubs did not commit a single error in 14 innings was fantastic, and the work of Aardsma, Eyre and Dempster out of the bullpen was terrific. Most notable, however...Little Baby Bear pitchers only gave up three walks in 14 innings and two of those were intentional. Sure, the State Birds of Illinois rapped out 19 total hits, but the damage was minimal thanks to the lack of walks. Lesson learned? Let's hope.
- The Little Baby Bears cannot seem to get world-beaters Ryan Freel, Chad Tracy or Khalil Greene out, but boy have they had Albert Pujols' number this year. Before leaving Saturday's game with an injury, Pujols was a combined 5-29 (.172) with only one home run and 8 RBI against Cubs pitching. By contrast, Pujols has 24 HR and 57 RBI in 156 at-bats (ratios of 1 HR/6.5 AB and 1 RBI / 2.7 AB) against the rest of the league. Further, seven of his 20 strikeouts on the season came against Chicago pitching.
- It's a great time to play the Jetsons' Dogs. They stink. Losers of 11 of their last 13 games, things are so bad they may want to consider replacing Phil Garner with Jimy Williams. Now, that would be poetic justice...
- I'm not particularily depressed that I will not be seeing Scott Williamson and his 14 walks in 21 innings strolling in from the bullpen in the near future. That said, I hate to see anyone get injured especially a guy like Williamson who has been through so much. To have to be placed on the 15-day DL with elbow tendinitis is hard enough, but to suffer such an injury while also suffering from wildpitchitis and fakeinjurondia has got to be especially difficult.
I suppose we should just be thankful that he has not come down with a case of Jebiditis or ChesterAArthritis.
* The Lower Leg Coverings that Have Been Bleached (I'm not sure who I'd be offending here, but I'm not taking any chances) begin a big series against the Orange and Black Striped Jungle Cats (the estate of the dog from the Brady Bunch has asked that his memory be in no way associated with human weight loss phenomenon Pudge Rodriguez or with the chain-smoking cancer advertisement Jim Leyland) tonight at U.S. Comiskular. Yes, I know, the Jungle Cats lead the Lower Leg Coverings by 2 1/2 games in the division, but muy gut tells me that this series is much bigger for Detroit than for Chicago. Despite their bullpen woes (doesn't Scott Radinsky have anything left in the tank?) the South Siders are good enough to be assured of contending the entire season, while the jury is still out on Leyland's crew. To be safe, however, Cliff Politte may want to come down with a case of Scottwilliamsonitis (formally known in the mid 90's as Jamesedwardsitis and Joekleinondria).
* Corey-o-Meter: Start the Kid Corey MLB All-Star campaign! The (now) everyday centerfielder of the Black and Orange Birds That Start With the Letter O, is hitting .287 with 7 HR, 21 RBI, 34 runs scored and a, get this, major league leading 26 stolen bases, including base swipes in 9 consecutive games (the longest streak in the majors since 1986). I'm not sure if it is the crab cakes, peaceful trips to the aquarium at the Inner Harbor, or the ghost of Steroid Sammy, but Corey is looking like a different player in Baltimore. Maybe Ray Lewis threatened to take him to the Gold Club in Atlanta if he didn't improve.
* Finally, the Los Angeles/ Anaheim/ Orange County/ Disneyland Winged Occupants Of Heaven have a game against Tampa Bay in front of at least 267 hearty sould at Tropicana Field. Anyone check the calendar? I'd put my money on any team with the word "Devil" in their team name.
See you all tomorrow.
***Today's trivia: Which current major league baseball team was once the (1) St. Louis Browns; which were once the Washington Senators (two teams are correct for this one); and (3) who was once known as the Seattle Pilots?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Today's Post. T-O-D-A-Y-'-S P-O-S-T. Today's Post.
Last night, as I sat in my Sacramento hotel room thinking about the downfall of David Hasselholff (yes, I know that the former Lt. Mitch Buchannon is Dirk Nowitzki's favorite recording superstar and has received a lot of TNT airtime recently...but please try to remember that, last I checked, we don't live in Berlin and none of us speaks ursprache), I felt the room start to shake, ever so slightly. I quickly ran to the window to see whether a large truck was heading down the street or Ted Washington and Keith Traylor were on their way to an meeting of overweight former Chicago Bear defensive tackles. Failing to see either a vehicle of any kind or a defensive lineman of any name, I suddenly realized that I was dangerously close to the San Andreas Fault and immediately began to wonder whether I had, in fact, actually just survived my first-ever earthquake. So, did I? Well, I cannot be 100% certain, but I can tell you that a quick review of the Sacramento entertainment calendar made it quite clear that the Fat Boys were not in town for a reunion concert (and a good thing since founding member Darren "Buffy, the Human Beatbox" Robinson died of a heart attack at the age of 28, weighing, at the time, close to 450 pounds).
***Raise your hand if you watched Katharine Close win the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee, presented for the first time in history, not just on network television, but in sparkling high definition. Yes, you read that right, ABC could not or would not show last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 in HD, but was proud to show the world Prakash's pimples and Sun Moon's braces and little Alex's dimples in stunning high def. I don't know about you, but when I was 13 years old, I sure as heck did not want my face shown in such detail. No, my complexion was not so bad that I bore an unfortunate resemblence to Kenickie's arch nemesis Crater Face, but I still certainly did not want those blemishes that I did have presented for all the world to see.
And, despite her poor reputation, I didn't score with Cha Cha DiGregorio, either.
Anyway, congratulations to young Miss Close are certainly in order. That said, I can't help but wonder if one of the other contestants was offered a scholarship to the Seven Sister college of her choice to intentionally lose or whether, besides the $20,000 cash grand prize, Katharine also won a George Plimpton-endorsed hot plate.
I have to admit that I did not actually see the competition, but I did hear that she won the event with an abolutely perfectly executed Alohamora spell.
What? The Scripps Spelling Bee has nothing to do with wands and the kids actually have to stand in front of a crowd and say the letters that make up words that nobody will possibly use in everyday language? Disambiguation. D-I-S-A-M-B-I-G-U-A-T-I-O-N. Disambiguation.
***So Roger Clemens will officially return to the Houston Astros in late June after signing a prorated contract that will pay the Rocket $12.25 million this season. Appearing during Sportscenter on the Budweiser Hot Seat, Clemens referred to playing baseball as a "grind" and noted that he had to prepare his body for the "grind." Excuse me?
Well, thank you Roger for sacrificing so much to give baseball fans the opportunity to see your 43-year old ass toe the rubber at The Juice Box and in various ballparks around the National League. You only have to exert yourself once every five days, you don't have to travel with your teammates unless you are scheduled to pitch (preserving your ability to get yourself thrown out of plenty of your son's little league games), and you will make more money for four months of "work" than a school teacher can possibly make in ten lifetimes and you are talking about surviving the "grind." Sheesh, I'll cry you a river. You want a grind, Roger? I'll give you a grind. Charlie Bucket's dad worked every day of his adult life screwing the caps on toothpaste tubes and still could not make enough money for the family to eat anything other than cabbage for every meal. Ignorance. I-G-N-O-R-A-N-C-E. Ignorance.
By the way, for those of you who thought that poor Charlie's father had an unfortunate run-in with rival candy-maker Arthur Slugworth, leaving Mrs. Bucket a widow, turn off the television and read a book once in a while.
And one more thing, if the family was so poor that all four grandparents had to sleep in a single bed, what in the heck was Grandpa Joe doing spending money on tobacco? Selfish. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Selfish.
***Aaargh, matey. Where's da loot? Believe it or not, I have actually heard Cubs fans express dismay over the return of Clemens because it hurts the Cubs' chances of catching the Astros. News flash...hear those thumping footsteps? Hear the squawking of a parrot? Get the feeling the a toothless scoundrel with a cutlass and a patch over his eye is coming up behind you? Believe it or not, that's the Pirates threatening to leap frog the Cubs and push them into last place. In fact, as of this writing, the Bucs are only one game back. The Pirates in front of the Cubs? Humiliation. H-U-M-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N. Humiliation.
***Washington Wizard superstar Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Miami recently on a charge of disobeying a police officer. After Arenas' Wizard teammate, Awvee Storey, was arrested for standing in the middle of the street blocking traffic, Arenas got out of his car and refused to get back in despite being ordered to do so by a South Beach police officer. According to the arresting officer, Arenas stated "You cannot arrest me. I'm a basketball player." Nice.
The problem is that Arenas probably believed it. After all, this is the same guy who played at Arizona and learned from the master of letting the inmates run the asylum, Lute Olson. So, it really is not that surprising that Gilbert would react in such a manner, just as it would not be surprising if a former Bob Knight player begged a cop not to choke him for his transgression. Regardless of how many chances Olson would give you, the rest of the world sees you for what you are. A criminal. C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L. Criminal.
***Tomorrow night, the Pistons and the Heat will play Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Dwyane Wade has been terrific to watch and is really cementing himself as one of the top players in the league. That said, the so-called NBA experts who have been claiming that Dywane Wade is a better player than Kobe and LeBron are going a little overboard, in my opinion. Dwayne Wade certainly is phenomenol. Further, Duane Wade is proving to be a money player in the clutch. And you can bet, that Shaq is a lot more comfortable playing with Dewayne Wade than with Kobe. But Dewyane Wade the player who should be the first choice to build a team around? Foolish. F-O-O-L-I-S-H. Foolish.
***Recently, I have spent a lot of time talking about Hank Aaron and famous events in sports history (i.e.: the man-eating tarp in St. Louis, Albert Belle -- who incidently is one of the four players in major league baseball to have eight straight seasons of 30+ home runs and 100+ RBI, along with Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx and Lou Gehrig -- and his various transgressions) and most of you know that I love to reference players from a bygone era. What can I say, I have a fond appreciation of sports history.
Unfortunately, it appears as though I am in the minority. In fact, it never ceases to amaze me how the "flavor of the day" rules the roost. Example...a few weeks ago when I was in Orlando, I walked through the NBA Cafe at Universal CityWalk. For sale in the gift shop, were autographed authentic Deewaune Wade and Magic Johnson jerseys. The price tags? Each could be yours for a mere $1,000.
Wait a minute...did I see that correctly? A Dewane Wade jersey costs the same amount as a Magic Johnson? That, my friends, is nuts. Are you also going to tell me that I can go to the Cubs Team Shop and get an Ernie Banks autographed jersey for the same price as a Ronny Cedeno? Is an Andres Nocioni jersey at Fandamonium now going to cost me a small fortune following his outstanding performance in this year's playoffs? Have we forgotten about Granville Waiters already?
But this is not unusual, by any stretch of the imagination. Those of you who have been singing the praises of Dee Brown seem to have conveniently forgotten about the glorious Bruce Douglas and Tony Wysinger years. Dirk Nowitzki scored 50 points tonight against the Suns and suddenly he is the best German of all-time (you try convincing that to the Detlef Schrempf fan club). In fact, I can remember an under appreciation of history all the way back to my youth and it allowed me to position myself as the king of the Thornton Lane baseball card kingdom. You see, thanks to Random Thoughts commenter Parrotmama, I grew up with a healthy understanding of the glory years of baseball and was all-too eager to pawn off my Strawberrys and my Goodens and my Mattinglys for your Marichals, Koufaxs, Clementes and Aarons. I just wish that it had been Hank and not Tommie that I traded my entire collection of Gary Carters for.
I mean, look at what has happened to the so-called next great players of the mid-1980's. Strawberry has spent about as much time in the clink as Martha Stewart. Gooden has been arrested for cocaine possession on numerous occasions and is presently spending his days trying to avoid run-ins with Bogs Diamond and the Sisters while stamping license plates (and recently said in an interview from prison that he would rather get shot than return to jail. Perhaps he should start hanging out with Dick Cheney). Mattingly was never quite able to live up to expectations and claim his place as one of the greatest Yankees of all-time.
The phenomenon extends to pop culture, as well. It seems as though movie studios do not seem to recognize that the classic movies that were made before 1995 should stand on their own. Why else would we be stuck with remakes of Superman, The Amityville Horror, the aforementioned Charlie (Willy Wonka) and the Chocolate Factory (thankfully the 2005 remake remained true to the original Roald Dahl novel and had Veruca Salt carried away by squirrels, rather than going down the chicken's "bad egg" shoot), and the Bad News Bears (by the way, I do not care what anyone says, Walter Matthau will always be Morris Buttermaker... not Billy Bob Thornton)? In my opinion, when a director wants to make a brand new movie about aliens who work at Denny's and date former strippers (a truly original idea) and the studios insist that they instead remake Garbage Pail Kids--The Movie, they really ought to stick to their guns and say no. Intransigence. I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-E-N-C-E. Intransigence.
***Whoops, I gotta go. I'm getting a call from Kelvin Sampson. Sanction. S-A-N-C-T-I-O-N. Sanction.
I'll be travelling most of the day tomorrow, so I do not expect to grace you with my Random Thoughts. Have a great weekend. I'll see you Monday.
***Did you notice? The word that Katharine Cross spelled correctly to win the 2006 Scripps Spelling Bee appears in this post, as does the word that Lisa Simpsons spelled incorrectly to lose the national Spellympics in the world of the four-fingered.
***Trivia for you Simpsons fans (who better have gotten all the references in today's post). What word did tri-finalist Sun Moon misspell in the Spellympics, eliminating her from the competition? What word did little scamp Alex spell correctly to win the title?
***Raise your hand if you watched Katharine Close win the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee, presented for the first time in history, not just on network television, but in sparkling high definition. Yes, you read that right, ABC could not or would not show last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 in HD, but was proud to show the world Prakash's pimples and Sun Moon's braces and little Alex's dimples in stunning high def. I don't know about you, but when I was 13 years old, I sure as heck did not want my face shown in such detail. No, my complexion was not so bad that I bore an unfortunate resemblence to Kenickie's arch nemesis Crater Face, but I still certainly did not want those blemishes that I did have presented for all the world to see.
And, despite her poor reputation, I didn't score with Cha Cha DiGregorio, either.
Anyway, congratulations to young Miss Close are certainly in order. That said, I can't help but wonder if one of the other contestants was offered a scholarship to the Seven Sister college of her choice to intentionally lose or whether, besides the $20,000 cash grand prize, Katharine also won a George Plimpton-endorsed hot plate.
I have to admit that I did not actually see the competition, but I did hear that she won the event with an abolutely perfectly executed Alohamora spell.
What? The Scripps Spelling Bee has nothing to do with wands and the kids actually have to stand in front of a crowd and say the letters that make up words that nobody will possibly use in everyday language? Disambiguation. D-I-S-A-M-B-I-G-U-A-T-I-O-N. Disambiguation.
***So Roger Clemens will officially return to the Houston Astros in late June after signing a prorated contract that will pay the Rocket $12.25 million this season. Appearing during Sportscenter on the Budweiser Hot Seat, Clemens referred to playing baseball as a "grind" and noted that he had to prepare his body for the "grind." Excuse me?
Well, thank you Roger for sacrificing so much to give baseball fans the opportunity to see your 43-year old ass toe the rubber at The Juice Box and in various ballparks around the National League. You only have to exert yourself once every five days, you don't have to travel with your teammates unless you are scheduled to pitch (preserving your ability to get yourself thrown out of plenty of your son's little league games), and you will make more money for four months of "work" than a school teacher can possibly make in ten lifetimes and you are talking about surviving the "grind." Sheesh, I'll cry you a river. You want a grind, Roger? I'll give you a grind. Charlie Bucket's dad worked every day of his adult life screwing the caps on toothpaste tubes and still could not make enough money for the family to eat anything other than cabbage for every meal. Ignorance. I-G-N-O-R-A-N-C-E. Ignorance.
By the way, for those of you who thought that poor Charlie's father had an unfortunate run-in with rival candy-maker Arthur Slugworth, leaving Mrs. Bucket a widow, turn off the television and read a book once in a while.
And one more thing, if the family was so poor that all four grandparents had to sleep in a single bed, what in the heck was Grandpa Joe doing spending money on tobacco? Selfish. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Selfish.
***Aaargh, matey. Where's da loot? Believe it or not, I have actually heard Cubs fans express dismay over the return of Clemens because it hurts the Cubs' chances of catching the Astros. News flash...hear those thumping footsteps? Hear the squawking of a parrot? Get the feeling the a toothless scoundrel with a cutlass and a patch over his eye is coming up behind you? Believe it or not, that's the Pirates threatening to leap frog the Cubs and push them into last place. In fact, as of this writing, the Bucs are only one game back. The Pirates in front of the Cubs? Humiliation. H-U-M-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N. Humiliation.
***Washington Wizard superstar Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Miami recently on a charge of disobeying a police officer. After Arenas' Wizard teammate, Awvee Storey, was arrested for standing in the middle of the street blocking traffic, Arenas got out of his car and refused to get back in despite being ordered to do so by a South Beach police officer. According to the arresting officer, Arenas stated "You cannot arrest me. I'm a basketball player." Nice.
The problem is that Arenas probably believed it. After all, this is the same guy who played at Arizona and learned from the master of letting the inmates run the asylum, Lute Olson. So, it really is not that surprising that Gilbert would react in such a manner, just as it would not be surprising if a former Bob Knight player begged a cop not to choke him for his transgression. Regardless of how many chances Olson would give you, the rest of the world sees you for what you are. A criminal. C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L. Criminal.
***Tomorrow night, the Pistons and the Heat will play Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Dwyane Wade has been terrific to watch and is really cementing himself as one of the top players in the league. That said, the so-called NBA experts who have been claiming that Dywane Wade is a better player than Kobe and LeBron are going a little overboard, in my opinion. Dwayne Wade certainly is phenomenol. Further, Duane Wade is proving to be a money player in the clutch. And you can bet, that Shaq is a lot more comfortable playing with Dewayne Wade than with Kobe. But Dewyane Wade the player who should be the first choice to build a team around? Foolish. F-O-O-L-I-S-H. Foolish.
***Recently, I have spent a lot of time talking about Hank Aaron and famous events in sports history (i.e.: the man-eating tarp in St. Louis, Albert Belle -- who incidently is one of the four players in major league baseball to have eight straight seasons of 30+ home runs and 100+ RBI, along with Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx and Lou Gehrig -- and his various transgressions) and most of you know that I love to reference players from a bygone era. What can I say, I have a fond appreciation of sports history.
Unfortunately, it appears as though I am in the minority. In fact, it never ceases to amaze me how the "flavor of the day" rules the roost. Example...a few weeks ago when I was in Orlando, I walked through the NBA Cafe at Universal CityWalk. For sale in the gift shop, were autographed authentic Deewaune Wade and Magic Johnson jerseys. The price tags? Each could be yours for a mere $1,000.
Wait a minute...did I see that correctly? A Dewane Wade jersey costs the same amount as a Magic Johnson? That, my friends, is nuts. Are you also going to tell me that I can go to the Cubs Team Shop and get an Ernie Banks autographed jersey for the same price as a Ronny Cedeno? Is an Andres Nocioni jersey at Fandamonium now going to cost me a small fortune following his outstanding performance in this year's playoffs? Have we forgotten about Granville Waiters already?
But this is not unusual, by any stretch of the imagination. Those of you who have been singing the praises of Dee Brown seem to have conveniently forgotten about the glorious Bruce Douglas and Tony Wysinger years. Dirk Nowitzki scored 50 points tonight against the Suns and suddenly he is the best German of all-time (you try convincing that to the Detlef Schrempf fan club). In fact, I can remember an under appreciation of history all the way back to my youth and it allowed me to position myself as the king of the Thornton Lane baseball card kingdom. You see, thanks to Random Thoughts commenter Parrotmama, I grew up with a healthy understanding of the glory years of baseball and was all-too eager to pawn off my Strawberrys and my Goodens and my Mattinglys for your Marichals, Koufaxs, Clementes and Aarons. I just wish that it had been Hank and not Tommie that I traded my entire collection of Gary Carters for.
I mean, look at what has happened to the so-called next great players of the mid-1980's. Strawberry has spent about as much time in the clink as Martha Stewart. Gooden has been arrested for cocaine possession on numerous occasions and is presently spending his days trying to avoid run-ins with Bogs Diamond and the Sisters while stamping license plates (and recently said in an interview from prison that he would rather get shot than return to jail. Perhaps he should start hanging out with Dick Cheney). Mattingly was never quite able to live up to expectations and claim his place as one of the greatest Yankees of all-time.
The phenomenon extends to pop culture, as well. It seems as though movie studios do not seem to recognize that the classic movies that were made before 1995 should stand on their own. Why else would we be stuck with remakes of Superman, The Amityville Horror, the aforementioned Charlie (Willy Wonka) and the Chocolate Factory (thankfully the 2005 remake remained true to the original Roald Dahl novel and had Veruca Salt carried away by squirrels, rather than going down the chicken's "bad egg" shoot), and the Bad News Bears (by the way, I do not care what anyone says, Walter Matthau will always be Morris Buttermaker... not Billy Bob Thornton)? In my opinion, when a director wants to make a brand new movie about aliens who work at Denny's and date former strippers (a truly original idea) and the studios insist that they instead remake Garbage Pail Kids--The Movie, they really ought to stick to their guns and say no. Intransigence. I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-E-N-C-E. Intransigence.
***Whoops, I gotta go. I'm getting a call from Kelvin Sampson. Sanction. S-A-N-C-T-I-O-N. Sanction.
I'll be travelling most of the day tomorrow, so I do not expect to grace you with my Random Thoughts. Have a great weekend. I'll see you Monday.
***Did you notice? The word that Katharine Cross spelled correctly to win the 2006 Scripps Spelling Bee appears in this post, as does the word that Lisa Simpsons spelled incorrectly to lose the national Spellympics in the world of the four-fingered.
***Trivia for you Simpsons fans (who better have gotten all the references in today's post). What word did tri-finalist Sun Moon misspell in the Spellympics, eliminating her from the competition? What word did little scamp Alex spell correctly to win the title?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I'm in Sacramento. Summer Sanders...Where Are You?
Greetings from Sacramento! You know what? Chris Webber was right...
You see, Sacramento probably ranks about #753 on the list of the cities that I most like to visit. Immediately following Pocatello, Idaho and immediately preceding Paris.........Texas on the list, Sacramento is about as exciting as watching a documentary on the making of Ishtar. There is a very good reason why, after spending more than four years living in Cow Town USA, Adam Rich has spent more time in rehab than Steve Howe and Lani O'Grady (who played Mary Bradford) suffered uncontrollable panic attacks for more that 20 years.
And to think, in all the times that I have visited the capital city of California, I have never run into Ah-Nold, famous Sacramento native and Playboy graduate Barbi Benton or any of the members of the rock band Tesla. Heck, I walk the city streets with a cup of ice at the ready, fully prepared to make the acquaintance of Ron Artest.
And, not surprisingly, I have not seen Sacramento native Lance Briggs at any of the soup kitchens, under any bridges pushing shopping carts or playing the harmonica for loose change. Although, Drew Rosenhaus is certain to make us believe that, given Lance's "meager" wages, panhandling is what it has come down to for the Chicago Bears' linebacker.
And now I learn that my travels have cost me the opportunity to attend the farewell parade and party for one Stephen Hawking Hairston. What was your favorite moment of the Hairston era? Mine was that time he hit a hard foul ball, down the left-field line. Remember that? That was sweet.
Trading Hairston was inevitable. I mean, how many second basemen does one team need? Hawking Hairston may be out the door, but good ol' Thing One and Thing Two are still bumping their kites on the wall, Tony Womack has made a glorious return to the North Side, and, despite the fact that he has traded in his infielder's glove for a first baseman's mitt out of necessity, Todd Walker remains that best second sacker option on the team. And, should major league baseball suddenly pass a law that every team needs at least five second basemen on their roster, Delino DeShields has got to be available somewhere.
...and once Todd Walker gets shipped to another team (it will happen), perhaps we can pilfer third base coach, Jaws Cora, from the South Side. I'm sure that Einstein Jones would be delighted to introduce him around the clubhouse. Just keep him away from the buffet, make sure that Silence of Lambs is not shown on the locker room TVs, and keep Fine Young Cannibals off the stereo.
***Speaking of trades, you've got to imagine that the White Sox are going to be in the market for a relief pitcher or two. Yes, I know that they remain in second place in the American League Central, but, make no mistake about it, this team is extremely good. The only weakness that I can see is the bullpen. Cotts and Big Bobby have been solid and Matt Thornton has been suprisingly good, but Cliff Politte, Boone Logan and Brandon McCarthy continue to struggle. So, who will be available? I'm don't know, but rumor has it that Kenny Williams is asking whether Roberto Alomar has perfected the curveball that he has been working on in Salinas, Puerto Rico and whether Carl Everett is ready to ditch his .250 average with the Mariners and give pitching a try. Williams recognizes that, like a good Kerry Wood injury joke, everyone needs a standby that they can always turn to.
***Last weekend, the Cubs set an all-time attendance record for a three-game series at Wrigley Field, including playing in front of an announced Sunday afternoon crowd of 41,698, which, according to Len and Bob, was the largest crowd to see a game at Wrigley since 40,000+ screamin' Steve Ontiveros fans packed the park in 1979. Given these numbers, you've got to give the folks in charge of remodeling Wrigley a ton of credit as they apparently found a way to add 172 seats to the park on Saturday night and more than 1,500 seats since the Cubs' opening weekend against the Cardinals in April. That's some quick work. Who's in charge over there? Ty Pennington?
My question is, where precisely did they add those extra seats? Did they set up rocking chairs on the dugouts? Chaise lounges in the outfield? Bean bags chairs in the dugout? Did they sell seats in the bullpen? I think I may have seen former Cub reliever Alan Benes eating a hot dog and sitting next to Roberto Novoa. He has to pay to get in now, right? Things have not gotten so bad that he is back on the team, is he?
Now, I do not actually think that they added any seats, but I cannot understand how Opening Day was sold out, the first Saturday game against the Red Birds was sold out, last Friday was sold out, as was last Saturday and Sunday. All five games were played at 1060 W. Addison, yet all five games had different reported attendance figures. I know that the standing room crowd varies, but the crowd total varies to such an extent that the SRO drunks cannot possibly tell the whole story. Does anyone know why the figure differs from game to game? I mean, it really should be rather easy to figure out, shouldn't it? Take the total number of seats, and presto! It's not difficult math. You don't have to channel up the spirit Pythagoras. Even Ron Santo should be able to make a reasonable guess in the Cub Foods Attendance Game.
By the way, is anyone else relieved that they took calculus in school. Talk about a useful life skill. Like learning about the Franco-Prussian War, reading Moby Dick (I get it...Ahab's father never showed him any affection...or something) and square dancing.
So, why is the attendance so inconsistent? Was Jennifer Aniston's entourage really that big?
***Yesterday (it's still Wednesday here on the left coast), I recommended that you all visit the remote parking lot at Turner Field in Atlanta to see the fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run and it got me thinking. So many new ballparks have been built in the last 15 years and I presume that most team officials did not even think about preserving history. For example, I've searched all around U.S. Comiskular, but cannot for the life of me find either the charred patch of grass where Disco Demolition night went terribly wrong or a mass of twisted plastic that once took a spin on the RCA turntable while teens got down in their polyester, butterfly collared shirts and bell-bottom velour pants to The Trampps great hit Disco Inferno. I also doubt that the Cardinals, in preparing for the opening of the new Busch Stadium, had the foresight to preserve for posterity the tarp that ate Vince Coleman, forcing the speedster to miss the 1985 World Series. And I am certain that the clubhouse at Jacobs Field in Cleveland does not contain the most famous piece of sports memorabilia in the history of Indians' baseball. Albert Belle's corked bat? Nope. The police photo of Belle after running down trick-or-treaters with his car on Halloween night? Nope. His diploma from the Eddie Sutton Alcoholism Clinic? Uh-uh. Why, the cardboard cut-out of Rachel Phelps, complete with tear-away, leopard-print dress, of course.
Now, we know that eventually Wrigley Field will have to be replaced and I would like to see the Cubs start thinking about what historical "artifacts" they are going to maintain for future generations to enjoy. And there are so many to choose from, but I have got to go with the Bartman seat, autographed by Moises and complete with abandoned headphones, Harry Caray's puke bucket and the dumpster under the seats in the left field corner, where Sammy disposed of his vials and hypodermic needles, er, I mean, his empty bottles of Flintstone Vitamins. Yeah...Flintstone vitamins...that's it.
By the way, "thesister" and I used to fight over who got the Dino.
What Wrigley Field historical "artifact" do you think should be preserved forever?
***Corey-o-Meter: It is official. Kid Corey is a solid major league outfielder. Hitting sixth in the lineup tonight, he went 1-4 with a stolen base. Yesterday, he hit two home runs in four at-bats, had a stolen base, and made a terrific catch, taking a home run away from a Devil Ray player. Season: .290 (which incidently would place him second on the Cubs in average: minimum 50 at-bats...I ain't sold on Womack, yet)- 7 home runs (3rd on the Cubs), 20 RBI (only four Cubs have more) and 19 stolen bases (that's three more than Juan Pierre). Yeah, but we got Phil Nevin.
***Random Thoughts commenter Bearister was right...we do not have to watch pop flies bounce off Aramis Ramirez's head, relay throws bounce out of Thing Two's glove allowing two runs to score on a single sacrifice fly, or Juan Pierre bounce out of the batter's box after hitting yet another harmless gound ball to the second baseman. There are plenty of other sporting events that we can watch. There's the NBA and NHL playoffs. There's the Arena Football League postseason. Minor league games in Joliet, Schaumburg, Crestwood and among the cows in Kane County. The midget-tossing championship in Norway. Professional golf tournaments that CBS, ABC and ESPN surprisingly continue to allow to go on despite the absence of Tiger Woods. The national spelling bee, poker, darts, log rolling, skee-ball, competitive Old Maid, and some stupid show on ESPN where athletes play the Madden football video game against one another (seriously, this just may be the single stupidest show in the history of ESPN). Well, thanks to "theson," whose wakeup recent wakeup habits suggestthat he is preparing to one day play for former Temple coach John Chaney -- I'd better tell him (1) that he is caucasian and (2) that, thanks to Nehemiah Ingraham, Chaney has retired having gone to the same number of Final Fours as Gene Keady, I have learned that the French Open is also going on as we speak.
Tennis? (Hey, like Rod Carew, I believe in spraying to all fields). It really strikes me how far tennis has fallen in the minds and hearts of America. Not that long ago, tennis actually registered in this country. In the early 90's, we cheered for native sons Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang. We recommended to our friends that they not hang out with Jennifer Capriati or risk getting to know the inside of a South Florida holding cell. Heck, we even marveled at the athletic ability of Venus and Serena and wondered why we can't seem to develop biceps that big.
And then the late 90's rolled around and tennis remained in the nation's conscience. Women continued to cheer for tennis' bad boy, Agassi, even after he jumped the shark and married Steffi Graf. Men watched the early rounds of the women's draw and drooled at Anna Kournikova (given Anna's relative lack of tennis talent, watch the late rounds and you were stuck watching "half a man" -- it's Martina Hingis' quote, not mine -- Amelie Mauresmo, knowing that even if you were attracted to the French tennis star, unless you were willing to put on your favorite sundress, high heels and a wig, your chances of landing her were about the same as getting Jerry Seinfeld to admit to the lady cop that he watches Melrose Place). We wondered when Pavel Bure and Sergei Fedorov would come to blows. We silently hoped that the Russian mob would get involved. Through it all...we had Anna.
Now, it's 2006 and ... uh... Maria Sharapova is hot and... uh ... that's about it. The bottom line is that American tennis has been reduced to the overrated Andy Roddick (please don't tell me I've got Andy Roddick fans here), Lindsay Davenport and a bunch of others that nobody cares about. Roddick was supposed to be the next big thing, but has not lived up to expectations. His ill-fated relationship with Mandy Moore remains what he is best known for. It's actually quite sad. Tennis is actually not a bad sport to watch on TV (although, it was a lot more fun when John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors spent more time yelling at the poor umpire and throwing their rackets than actually playing tennis). Unfortunately, it has become about as relevant in this country as David Hasselhoff.
***Finally, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" has graciously posted a link to some article about women in the late 1800's for everyone to enjoy. I'm sure its very interesting and you know I want to read it, but I'm much to busy thinking about Jessica Alba and Anna jumping on trampolines. Hey, you're right! We are sick!
***Today's Sports Trivia: Four players in the history of major league baseball have registered eight consecutive seasons with more than 30 home runs and 100 RBI. Who are they?
***Yesterday's Pop Culture Trivia Answer. Luke Skywalker almost went from using the force to using the forks in the Bradford household, as Mark Hamill was originally cast as David and played him in the pilot episode.
You see, Sacramento probably ranks about #753 on the list of the cities that I most like to visit. Immediately following Pocatello, Idaho and immediately preceding Paris.........Texas on the list, Sacramento is about as exciting as watching a documentary on the making of Ishtar. There is a very good reason why, after spending more than four years living in Cow Town USA, Adam Rich has spent more time in rehab than Steve Howe and Lani O'Grady (who played Mary Bradford) suffered uncontrollable panic attacks for more that 20 years.
And to think, in all the times that I have visited the capital city of California, I have never run into Ah-Nold, famous Sacramento native and Playboy graduate Barbi Benton or any of the members of the rock band Tesla. Heck, I walk the city streets with a cup of ice at the ready, fully prepared to make the acquaintance of Ron Artest.
And, not surprisingly, I have not seen Sacramento native Lance Briggs at any of the soup kitchens, under any bridges pushing shopping carts or playing the harmonica for loose change. Although, Drew Rosenhaus is certain to make us believe that, given Lance's "meager" wages, panhandling is what it has come down to for the Chicago Bears' linebacker.
And now I learn that my travels have cost me the opportunity to attend the farewell parade and party for one Stephen Hawking Hairston. What was your favorite moment of the Hairston era? Mine was that time he hit a hard foul ball, down the left-field line. Remember that? That was sweet.
Trading Hairston was inevitable. I mean, how many second basemen does one team need? Hawking Hairston may be out the door, but good ol' Thing One and Thing Two are still bumping their kites on the wall, Tony Womack has made a glorious return to the North Side, and, despite the fact that he has traded in his infielder's glove for a first baseman's mitt out of necessity, Todd Walker remains that best second sacker option on the team. And, should major league baseball suddenly pass a law that every team needs at least five second basemen on their roster, Delino DeShields has got to be available somewhere.
...and once Todd Walker gets shipped to another team (it will happen), perhaps we can pilfer third base coach, Jaws Cora, from the South Side. I'm sure that Einstein Jones would be delighted to introduce him around the clubhouse. Just keep him away from the buffet, make sure that Silence of Lambs is not shown on the locker room TVs, and keep Fine Young Cannibals off the stereo.
***Speaking of trades, you've got to imagine that the White Sox are going to be in the market for a relief pitcher or two. Yes, I know that they remain in second place in the American League Central, but, make no mistake about it, this team is extremely good. The only weakness that I can see is the bullpen. Cotts and Big Bobby have been solid and Matt Thornton has been suprisingly good, but Cliff Politte, Boone Logan and Brandon McCarthy continue to struggle. So, who will be available? I'm don't know, but rumor has it that Kenny Williams is asking whether Roberto Alomar has perfected the curveball that he has been working on in Salinas, Puerto Rico and whether Carl Everett is ready to ditch his .250 average with the Mariners and give pitching a try. Williams recognizes that, like a good Kerry Wood injury joke, everyone needs a standby that they can always turn to.
***Last weekend, the Cubs set an all-time attendance record for a three-game series at Wrigley Field, including playing in front of an announced Sunday afternoon crowd of 41,698, which, according to Len and Bob, was the largest crowd to see a game at Wrigley since 40,000+ screamin' Steve Ontiveros fans packed the park in 1979. Given these numbers, you've got to give the folks in charge of remodeling Wrigley a ton of credit as they apparently found a way to add 172 seats to the park on Saturday night and more than 1,500 seats since the Cubs' opening weekend against the Cardinals in April. That's some quick work. Who's in charge over there? Ty Pennington?
My question is, where precisely did they add those extra seats? Did they set up rocking chairs on the dugouts? Chaise lounges in the outfield? Bean bags chairs in the dugout? Did they sell seats in the bullpen? I think I may have seen former Cub reliever Alan Benes eating a hot dog and sitting next to Roberto Novoa. He has to pay to get in now, right? Things have not gotten so bad that he is back on the team, is he?
Now, I do not actually think that they added any seats, but I cannot understand how Opening Day was sold out, the first Saturday game against the Red Birds was sold out, last Friday was sold out, as was last Saturday and Sunday. All five games were played at 1060 W. Addison, yet all five games had different reported attendance figures. I know that the standing room crowd varies, but the crowd total varies to such an extent that the SRO drunks cannot possibly tell the whole story. Does anyone know why the figure differs from game to game? I mean, it really should be rather easy to figure out, shouldn't it? Take the total number of seats, and presto! It's not difficult math. You don't have to channel up the spirit Pythagoras. Even Ron Santo should be able to make a reasonable guess in the Cub Foods Attendance Game.
By the way, is anyone else relieved that they took calculus in school. Talk about a useful life skill. Like learning about the Franco-Prussian War, reading Moby Dick (I get it...Ahab's father never showed him any affection...or something) and square dancing.
So, why is the attendance so inconsistent? Was Jennifer Aniston's entourage really that big?
***Yesterday (it's still Wednesday here on the left coast), I recommended that you all visit the remote parking lot at Turner Field in Atlanta to see the fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run and it got me thinking. So many new ballparks have been built in the last 15 years and I presume that most team officials did not even think about preserving history. For example, I've searched all around U.S. Comiskular, but cannot for the life of me find either the charred patch of grass where Disco Demolition night went terribly wrong or a mass of twisted plastic that once took a spin on the RCA turntable while teens got down in their polyester, butterfly collared shirts and bell-bottom velour pants to The Trampps great hit Disco Inferno. I also doubt that the Cardinals, in preparing for the opening of the new Busch Stadium, had the foresight to preserve for posterity the tarp that ate Vince Coleman, forcing the speedster to miss the 1985 World Series. And I am certain that the clubhouse at Jacobs Field in Cleveland does not contain the most famous piece of sports memorabilia in the history of Indians' baseball. Albert Belle's corked bat? Nope. The police photo of Belle after running down trick-or-treaters with his car on Halloween night? Nope. His diploma from the Eddie Sutton Alcoholism Clinic? Uh-uh. Why, the cardboard cut-out of Rachel Phelps, complete with tear-away, leopard-print dress, of course.
Now, we know that eventually Wrigley Field will have to be replaced and I would like to see the Cubs start thinking about what historical "artifacts" they are going to maintain for future generations to enjoy. And there are so many to choose from, but I have got to go with the Bartman seat, autographed by Moises and complete with abandoned headphones, Harry Caray's puke bucket and the dumpster under the seats in the left field corner, where Sammy disposed of his vials and hypodermic needles, er, I mean, his empty bottles of Flintstone Vitamins. Yeah...Flintstone vitamins...that's it.
By the way, "thesister" and I used to fight over who got the Dino.
What Wrigley Field historical "artifact" do you think should be preserved forever?
***Corey-o-Meter: It is official. Kid Corey is a solid major league outfielder. Hitting sixth in the lineup tonight, he went 1-4 with a stolen base. Yesterday, he hit two home runs in four at-bats, had a stolen base, and made a terrific catch, taking a home run away from a Devil Ray player. Season: .290 (which incidently would place him second on the Cubs in average: minimum 50 at-bats...I ain't sold on Womack, yet)- 7 home runs (3rd on the Cubs), 20 RBI (only four Cubs have more) and 19 stolen bases (that's three more than Juan Pierre). Yeah, but we got Phil Nevin.
***Random Thoughts commenter Bearister was right...we do not have to watch pop flies bounce off Aramis Ramirez's head, relay throws bounce out of Thing Two's glove allowing two runs to score on a single sacrifice fly, or Juan Pierre bounce out of the batter's box after hitting yet another harmless gound ball to the second baseman. There are plenty of other sporting events that we can watch. There's the NBA and NHL playoffs. There's the Arena Football League postseason. Minor league games in Joliet, Schaumburg, Crestwood and among the cows in Kane County. The midget-tossing championship in Norway. Professional golf tournaments that CBS, ABC and ESPN surprisingly continue to allow to go on despite the absence of Tiger Woods. The national spelling bee, poker, darts, log rolling, skee-ball, competitive Old Maid, and some stupid show on ESPN where athletes play the Madden football video game against one another (seriously, this just may be the single stupidest show in the history of ESPN). Well, thanks to "theson," whose wakeup recent wakeup habits suggestthat he is preparing to one day play for former Temple coach John Chaney -- I'd better tell him (1) that he is caucasian and (2) that, thanks to Nehemiah Ingraham, Chaney has retired having gone to the same number of Final Fours as Gene Keady, I have learned that the French Open is also going on as we speak.
Tennis? (Hey, like Rod Carew, I believe in spraying to all fields). It really strikes me how far tennis has fallen in the minds and hearts of America. Not that long ago, tennis actually registered in this country. In the early 90's, we cheered for native sons Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang. We recommended to our friends that they not hang out with Jennifer Capriati or risk getting to know the inside of a South Florida holding cell. Heck, we even marveled at the athletic ability of Venus and Serena and wondered why we can't seem to develop biceps that big.
And then the late 90's rolled around and tennis remained in the nation's conscience. Women continued to cheer for tennis' bad boy, Agassi, even after he jumped the shark and married Steffi Graf. Men watched the early rounds of the women's draw and drooled at Anna Kournikova (given Anna's relative lack of tennis talent, watch the late rounds and you were stuck watching "half a man" -- it's Martina Hingis' quote, not mine -- Amelie Mauresmo, knowing that even if you were attracted to the French tennis star, unless you were willing to put on your favorite sundress, high heels and a wig, your chances of landing her were about the same as getting Jerry Seinfeld to admit to the lady cop that he watches Melrose Place). We wondered when Pavel Bure and Sergei Fedorov would come to blows. We silently hoped that the Russian mob would get involved. Through it all...we had Anna.
Now, it's 2006 and ... uh... Maria Sharapova is hot and... uh ... that's about it. The bottom line is that American tennis has been reduced to the overrated Andy Roddick (please don't tell me I've got Andy Roddick fans here), Lindsay Davenport and a bunch of others that nobody cares about. Roddick was supposed to be the next big thing, but has not lived up to expectations. His ill-fated relationship with Mandy Moore remains what he is best known for. It's actually quite sad. Tennis is actually not a bad sport to watch on TV (although, it was a lot more fun when John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors spent more time yelling at the poor umpire and throwing their rackets than actually playing tennis). Unfortunately, it has become about as relevant in this country as David Hasselhoff.
***Finally, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" has graciously posted a link to some article about women in the late 1800's for everyone to enjoy. I'm sure its very interesting and you know I want to read it, but I'm much to busy thinking about Jessica Alba and Anna jumping on trampolines. Hey, you're right! We are sick!
***Today's Sports Trivia: Four players in the history of major league baseball have registered eight consecutive seasons with more than 30 home runs and 100 RBI. Who are they?
***Yesterday's Pop Culture Trivia Answer. Luke Skywalker almost went from using the force to using the forks in the Bradford household, as Mark Hamill was originally cast as David and played him in the pilot episode.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Second Place? I'm Doing The Carlton Dance!
{Trumpets blaring...streamers falling...balloons flying]
Welcome to the 77th official post of Dan's Random Sports Thoughts. What likely seems an insignificant number is actually quite notable. You see, with my 77th post, I take over second place on the all-time list of persons who have written the most "Blog Posts That At One Time or Another Have Referenced Silver Spoons" (see May 22). With this 77th post, I eclipse Alfonso Ribeiro, whose blog "From Alfonso Spears to Carlton Banks...A Journey," tragically came to an end after Randy Newman released his recent (follow-up) hit "Short People (Got No Reason to Post)." Alas, I remain well short of the record, currently held by one Rick (don't call me Ricky) Schroeder, who currently has a streak of 6,938 posts each of which simply reads "I can't believe my career hit its peak at age 13. Long live Ricky Stratton. Long live Kate Summers. Long live Silver Spoons."
Yes, I have heard the whispers. I are all-too-aware that disbelievers wonder how I went from a skinny, high school, die-hard DePaul fan, writing depth-less pieces for the Buffalo Grove High School Charger while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss to a truly mammoth, 30-something professional, die-hard Iniana fan, writing dramatic, deep posts for the Random Thoughts while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss (1987 or 2006...some things never change). I know the rumors are out there. Jose Canseco may not have mentioned me directly, but I can read between the lines.
And I know that as I achieve this milestone, most of the outside world will continue to question how I got to where I am today. My hometown fans will cheer me, but the rest will criticize me at every turn. They will argue that I am the poster-boy of blog-enhancing cheating. They will claim that I rip off Dan Patrick and Dan McNeil. That I blatantly steal from Dan Marino and Dan Majerle and, should the situation present itself, Dan Cortese (the situation better not present itself). They say that I am a fan of the Phoenix. That my personal trainers were able to stay one step ahead of the blog police. That Google and Yahoo and Ask Jeeves are the tools of my deception. That I am a fraud.
Yes, there were times when I inadvertently borrowed material from other sources. I admit that. The information was presented to me by my trainers and I was told that it was information that was 100% clean and had not been stolen. I called such information "The Clear."
But, I am not going to apologize. I deserve this record and all it takes is one cognizant sports thought for second-place on the all-time list to be mine. And I have chosen this momentous occasion to make the single most important point I have ever made. The point that is sure to get ESPN's attention triggering a series of events that will no-doubt lead to Dan Wagner being named the new feature columnist of ESPN The Magazine. So here goes...
No more excuses. It is time for the Chicago Cubs to trade M...
[crowd noise]
* Anyone else dislike Barry Bonds as much as I do?
* You can bet that major league baseball is laughing their asses off at the fact that Giant replacement radio announcer Dave Fleming's microphone went dead in the middle of the famous home run call. Somewhere, the ghost of Babe Ruth is getting really drunk. Oh yeah, and smiling, too.
* For those of you, too busy memorizing the words to "Informer" (a big thank you goes out to Random Thoughts commenter Darth Anonymous" for making us all just a little more intelligent), San Francisco resident Andrew Morbitzer is the lucky owner of home run ball #715. Morbitzer actually missed seeing the famous long-ball thanks to the whining of his new wife Megan, who asked Andrew to get her a beer and some peanuts. Sure, Megan, wait until Bonds is up to have a salt-craving. Couldn't have decided to get drunk when Jose Vizcaino was up, could you?
Now, I know that it is thanks to Megan's complaining that Morbitzer was in the right place at the right time to get the ball (we was at the center field concession stand when the ball rolled right up to him), but I call it luck. Gentlemen, resist the temptation to find a lesson in this story. This does not mean that we must always listen to the woman in our lives.
And what in the heck was Morbitzer doing getting her a beer? What? Was did she have a run in with Nicky Santoro? Were her legs broken? And don't give me this chivarly crap. It's 2006. Not 1956. Want us to act like it's 1956? Sure, we'll get you a beer...just remember Good Housekeeping's "The Good Wife's Guide." Greet us with a warm smile, speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, prepare the children, and arrange our pillow and offer to take off our shoes, And be a little gay, would you?
Further, please do not forget that you are married now, kid. What's the point in getting her drunk? Hate to break it to you, but your dating rituals are officially over.
Wow, I'm in trouble tonight, aren't I?
* I have to admit that I have little to no interest in Bonds' home run chase. I think the novelty of a good home run race ran off with McGwire and Sosa's assault on Maris' record in 1998. Speaking of 1998, anyone wonder what has become of McGwire's son? Ten years old in 1998, little Mac is no doubt now a "healthy" 18-year old. After all, that kid weighed more at age ten than both Olsen twins...combined...before puking.
* I love sports history and, if any of you are ever in Atlanta, I recommend you spend a few minutes in the remote parking lot beyond the left field wall of Turner Field. Not only is the pavement where the original infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium marked off with a different color (if you go there on a non-game day, you can drive around the bases. I pretended to run over Ken Oberkfell), but the original section of blue chain-link fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run has been left in place and is marked by a plaque. It's one of the coolest sports things that I have seen. Like Farmer Ted when he ended up with a drunk Caroline Mulford passed out in the back of Jake Ryan's Porsche, I really wish I had a camera.
* I had a tough, tough decision to make yesterday. Low and behold, the Cubs actually won! But what to do about hanging the dormant "W" flag with the Stars and Stripes already swaying in the breeze in honor of the men and women who safeguard the freedom that we hold so dear? I mean, I realize that days when it is the norm to hang the American flag are rather rare (Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, etc.) but, lately Cub victories have occurred about as often as Tori Spelling wins an award for her acting.
* I left the American flag flying. God bless our troops.
-- I will be traveling the next three days to the never-exciting city of Sacramento (if I see Tom or Joan or Abby or David or Mary or Susan or Joanie or Nancy or Elizabeth or Tommy or Nicholas, I'll be sure to say hello***). I fully expect to post, however, so please keep checking the site.
***Today's extremely tough Pop Culture trivia: David Bradford was played by Grant Goodeve in every episode of Eight is Enough's four-year run, except the pilot. Which famous actor (fresh off an appearance in a classic Science Fiction movie) was originally cast as David and appeared as him in the pilot episode?
***Last Friday's trivia answers: (1) The Aviator; (2) Last Temptation of Christ; (3) Raging Bull; (4) The Gangs of New York; and (5) Goodfellas were all movies for which Martin Scorsese was noiminated for a Best Director Oscar (but lost).
Welcome to the 77th official post of Dan's Random Sports Thoughts. What likely seems an insignificant number is actually quite notable. You see, with my 77th post, I take over second place on the all-time list of persons who have written the most "Blog Posts That At One Time or Another Have Referenced Silver Spoons" (see May 22). With this 77th post, I eclipse Alfonso Ribeiro, whose blog "From Alfonso Spears to Carlton Banks...A Journey," tragically came to an end after Randy Newman released his recent (follow-up) hit "Short People (Got No Reason to Post)." Alas, I remain well short of the record, currently held by one Rick (don't call me Ricky) Schroeder, who currently has a streak of 6,938 posts each of which simply reads "I can't believe my career hit its peak at age 13. Long live Ricky Stratton. Long live Kate Summers. Long live Silver Spoons."
Yes, I have heard the whispers. I are all-too-aware that disbelievers wonder how I went from a skinny, high school, die-hard DePaul fan, writing depth-less pieces for the Buffalo Grove High School Charger while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss to a truly mammoth, 30-something professional, die-hard Iniana fan, writing dramatic, deep posts for the Random Thoughts while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss (1987 or 2006...some things never change). I know the rumors are out there. Jose Canseco may not have mentioned me directly, but I can read between the lines.
And I know that as I achieve this milestone, most of the outside world will continue to question how I got to where I am today. My hometown fans will cheer me, but the rest will criticize me at every turn. They will argue that I am the poster-boy of blog-enhancing cheating. They will claim that I rip off Dan Patrick and Dan McNeil. That I blatantly steal from Dan Marino and Dan Majerle and, should the situation present itself, Dan Cortese (the situation better not present itself). They say that I am a fan of the Phoenix. That my personal trainers were able to stay one step ahead of the blog police. That Google and Yahoo and Ask Jeeves are the tools of my deception. That I am a fraud.
Yes, there were times when I inadvertently borrowed material from other sources. I admit that. The information was presented to me by my trainers and I was told that it was information that was 100% clean and had not been stolen. I called such information "The Clear."
But, I am not going to apologize. I deserve this record and all it takes is one cognizant sports thought for second-place on the all-time list to be mine. And I have chosen this momentous occasion to make the single most important point I have ever made. The point that is sure to get ESPN's attention triggering a series of events that will no-doubt lead to Dan Wagner being named the new feature columnist of ESPN The Magazine. So here goes...
No more excuses. It is time for the Chicago Cubs to trade M...
[crowd noise]
* Anyone else dislike Barry Bonds as much as I do?
* You can bet that major league baseball is laughing their asses off at the fact that Giant replacement radio announcer Dave Fleming's microphone went dead in the middle of the famous home run call. Somewhere, the ghost of Babe Ruth is getting really drunk. Oh yeah, and smiling, too.
* For those of you, too busy memorizing the words to "Informer" (a big thank you goes out to Random Thoughts commenter Darth Anonymous" for making us all just a little more intelligent), San Francisco resident Andrew Morbitzer is the lucky owner of home run ball #715. Morbitzer actually missed seeing the famous long-ball thanks to the whining of his new wife Megan, who asked Andrew to get her a beer and some peanuts. Sure, Megan, wait until Bonds is up to have a salt-craving. Couldn't have decided to get drunk when Jose Vizcaino was up, could you?
Now, I know that it is thanks to Megan's complaining that Morbitzer was in the right place at the right time to get the ball (we was at the center field concession stand when the ball rolled right up to him), but I call it luck. Gentlemen, resist the temptation to find a lesson in this story. This does not mean that we must always listen to the woman in our lives.
And what in the heck was Morbitzer doing getting her a beer? What? Was did she have a run in with Nicky Santoro? Were her legs broken? And don't give me this chivarly crap. It's 2006. Not 1956. Want us to act like it's 1956? Sure, we'll get you a beer...just remember Good Housekeeping's "The Good Wife's Guide." Greet us with a warm smile, speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, prepare the children, and arrange our pillow and offer to take off our shoes, And be a little gay, would you?
Further, please do not forget that you are married now, kid. What's the point in getting her drunk? Hate to break it to you, but your dating rituals are officially over.
Wow, I'm in trouble tonight, aren't I?
* I have to admit that I have little to no interest in Bonds' home run chase. I think the novelty of a good home run race ran off with McGwire and Sosa's assault on Maris' record in 1998. Speaking of 1998, anyone wonder what has become of McGwire's son? Ten years old in 1998, little Mac is no doubt now a "healthy" 18-year old. After all, that kid weighed more at age ten than both Olsen twins...combined...before puking.
* I love sports history and, if any of you are ever in Atlanta, I recommend you spend a few minutes in the remote parking lot beyond the left field wall of Turner Field. Not only is the pavement where the original infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium marked off with a different color (if you go there on a non-game day, you can drive around the bases. I pretended to run over Ken Oberkfell), but the original section of blue chain-link fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run has been left in place and is marked by a plaque. It's one of the coolest sports things that I have seen. Like Farmer Ted when he ended up with a drunk Caroline Mulford passed out in the back of Jake Ryan's Porsche, I really wish I had a camera.
* I had a tough, tough decision to make yesterday. Low and behold, the Cubs actually won! But what to do about hanging the dormant "W" flag with the Stars and Stripes already swaying in the breeze in honor of the men and women who safeguard the freedom that we hold so dear? I mean, I realize that days when it is the norm to hang the American flag are rather rare (Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, etc.) but, lately Cub victories have occurred about as often as Tori Spelling wins an award for her acting.
* I left the American flag flying. God bless our troops.
-- I will be traveling the next three days to the never-exciting city of Sacramento (if I see Tom or Joan or Abby or David or Mary or Susan or Joanie or Nancy or Elizabeth or Tommy or Nicholas, I'll be sure to say hello***). I fully expect to post, however, so please keep checking the site.
***Today's extremely tough Pop Culture trivia: David Bradford was played by Grant Goodeve in every episode of Eight is Enough's four-year run, except the pilot. Which famous actor (fresh off an appearance in a classic Science Fiction movie) was originally cast as David and appeared as him in the pilot episode?
***Last Friday's trivia answers: (1) The Aviator; (2) Last Temptation of Christ; (3) Raging Bull; (4) The Gangs of New York; and (5) Goodfellas were all movies for which Martin Scorsese was noiminated for a Best Director Oscar (but lost).
Friday, May 26, 2006
Suspended Belief
So Tyson Barrett has been suspended ten games for igniting last Saturday's brawl at U.S Comiskular, Tail Chaser Brian Anderson for five games and Sox third base coach Joey Cora for a pair of contests. At first glance, all three suspensions seem reasonable.
Let's start with Barrett, who has always come across as a genuinely nice guy and who, for some curious reason, truly seems to enjoy playing for the Cubs. There simply is no excuse for what Barrett did. I've heard all the apologists who claim that Pierzynski deserves at least some of the blame for his actions, but the apologists probably also believe that Sammy Sosa really was using his "impress the crowd" batting practice bat and the old grey-haired dude won American Idol fair and sqaure. My advice to Michael. Take the Orbitz challenge. Plan a nice vacation somewhere. Yesterday, I mentioned the Bahamas, but why not book a flight back to Miami, head straight down U.S. 1, and don't stop until you're bellied up to the Schooner Wharf bar, drinking an ice-cold Key West Ale, and, for at least ten days, not give a crap whether Henry Blanco can hit his weight (he can't), whether whoever starts in place of Kerry Wood on Sunday can set an all-time record for most walks in an inning (he can), and whether Tom Kelly, Lou Pinella, Jessica Alba or Jimmy Buffett will be the next manager of the team.
That brings us to Perzynski, who was fined as a result of the melee. Let me make one thing perfectly clear...I do not like A.J. Pierzynski. I read somewhere that A.J. stands for Anthony John, but I am more inclined the believe that it really stands for "Absolute Jerk." Look, there is a reason that the guy finished #9 on GQ magazine's list of "10 Most Hated Athletes" (T.O. finished #1 and Barry Bonds was #2). They absolutely could not stand the guy in San Francisco where he was rounded criticized by his teammates for being a "cancer." Even Ozzie Guillen and die-hard White Sox fans agree that the guy is often a royal pain in the you-know-where. On numerous occasions Guillen has commented about how big a jerk he can be and ESPN 1000's resident Sox apologist, Dan McNeil (not that they need an apologist for much these days), emphasizes the way that A.J. breaks an unwritten baseball rule by running directly across the pitchers mound after making an out in a deliberate attempt to antogonize the opposing team and shoots his mouth off more often than Sidney Deane, Wesley Snipes' character in White Men Can't Jump. In fact, most "experts" agree that Barrett probably received a lot of congratulatory letters and thank you notes from players around the major leagues for the punch.
That said, holy moly, would he look good in a Cubs uniform...
Despite my dislike of Pierzynski, however, I am man enough to admit that both his ejection from last Saturday's game and the resultant fine are unfair. What precisely is he being fined for? Slapping home plate in a demonstrative manner? Irritating...yes, but worthy of discipline? The bottom line is that MLB's disciplinary action against A.J. is similar to when a famous movie director is given a "Lifetime Achievement Award" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (see: Robert Altman in 2006)***
I have to chuckle, however, at A.J. and his ridiculous claims that he wishes that the whole thing would just go away and that he does not wish to talk about the fight anymore. Such comments were made immediately after last Saturday's game. Of course, Pierzynski then appeared on Fox Sports Sunday, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN News in the next two days. I suppose he thought that Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser just wanted to talk with him about the development of Brandon McCarthy or his appearance on professional wrestling's TNA IMPACT! during which A.J.'s "team" was victorious after Pierzynski knocked out wrestler Simon Diamond with a home plate that was handed to him by Johnny Damon (I guess there just happened to be a home plate lying around). I think he may even have made an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show claiming that even 5'10, 195 lb, Cliff Politte could beat the crap out of Steve.
* I really do not have too much to say about Tail Chaser Anderson and his suspension. Protecting a teammate? Hogwash. Watch the replay. Anderson simply looked like a drunk frat guy who was absolutely delighted to be in a fight. He came in throwing punches like the two chicks in the barroom brawl scene in the movie Airplane. Hitting .167 on the season and recently replaced by Rob Mackowiak as the Sox everyday center fielder, Anderson might as well accept his suspension. Head off to Vegas for a few days, Tail Chaser. Plenty of decent strip clubs there.
* So, why did little Joey Cora receive a suspension? According to Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, Cora, who was on the bottom of a pile, "bit Jacque Jones in the foot" (Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" wants to know why Einstein Jones did not report this...good question but for the fact that it is Jones that we are talking about and he has proven that he is far from the sharpest knife in the drawer). Further, it seems as though Cora has been accused of biting people in the past. If fact, I've heard a rumor that an overly cautious Evander Holyfield has gotten a restraining order against Joey. Looks like we have a new nickname...Jaws Cora (although it is not as if the Sox third base coach is going to get a lot of copy in the Random Thoughts, unless, of course, Ozzie loses his mind and hires Wavin' Wendell).
* The truth is that you just never know what goes on at the bottom of a pile in a benches-clearing brawl. Joey Cora mistaking Einstein Jones' foot for a club sandwich (or a hero or a hoagie or a grinder). Tadahito Iguchi and Todd Walker arguing over whether Bobby Flay or Hiroyuki Sakai is a better chef. Bobby Jenks looking to see if anyone dropped a Krispy Kreme. It is the things that happen at the bottom of the pile that baseball likes to keep quiet. You know about the suspensions to Barrett, Anderson and Cora, and the fine to Pierzynski, but unreported are the small fines assessed for rather innocuous trasngressions. Twenty dollars for Jones hitting Scotty Pods with his copy of "Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning" (what can I say? I love that joke!). Sixty dollars from Jermaine Dye's theft of Stephen Hawking Hairston's pocket protector and protractor. And poor, poor Weasley has to use Professor Umbridge's magic quill and write "I will not take my wand out in front of muggles" over and over until the message sinks in after an untimely and ill-advised bat bogey hex gone wrong (look, if you are not a Harry Potter fan, lock yourself in a room with all six books this Holiday weekend. Just get it over with. This is not going to stop).
* A lot has been said about the fight and if I had a quarter for everytime I have heard the media use the all-too-common cliche' "bush league" to describe Barrett's punch, I'd be able to buy myself a copy of "12 Inches of Snow" and try to figure out the words to "Informer." The truth is that I have no idea what the heck the "Bush League" is or who plays in it. Is that the league that Colin Powell was kicked out of for questioning league management's "strategery?" Is it the league where Dick Cheney sits in a bunker below the dugout "just in case?" Is this the league whose games are broadcast on Fox News and roundly criticized by CNN?
Oh wait, this is the six-team international league that Tony Blair mentioned is currently being developed, isn't it? The one with the New Texas (formally Iraq) WMD, the New Crawford (formally Afghanistan) Freedom Fighters, the Houston Jr. (formally North Korea) Nuclear Exhibitionists, the Oiland (formally Saudi Arabia) Friends of the Program, the Even Newer Texas (formally Iran) Sons-of-Bitches, the County Where You Can Get Yummy Croissants Wusses, and the South Florida Hanging Chads.
* The Blackhawks have announced the signing of Dave Bolland, the team's second round pick in 2004. One question..what in the heck took dang long? Drafted in 2004? If this guy is good, what was the holdup? Was Pulford too busy trying to re-acquire Paul Coffey and Doug Gilmour? Was Wirtz too busy trying to come up with a good excuse for taking the away games off television too ("It hurts our dedicated fans who travel to Calgary to watch their favorite team play...").
Oh wait a minute...all ties with 26-year broadcaster Pat Foley are cut one day and three days later, young Mr. Bolland inks a deal? Hmmm... I seem to remember another ultra-popular Chicago broadcaster who was run out of town because Kent Mercker didn't like his criticism of the team and Moises Alou is not man enough to take the heat for his stupid baseball. Now, I do not know of any connection between Foley and Ballond (yes, I spelled his name wrong, It's the Blackhawks, does it really matter?) and Foley has never come across to me as an overly-negative guy. I just think it is a shame the way Chicago keeps losing top-notch broadcasters, but has to deal with Chris Singleton.
By the way, Bolland scored 57 goals and had 73 assists in 59 games for the London (Ontario) Knights last season. I know it's minor leagues, but, wow! Perhaps lady luck will finally smile on the Indian Head sweater and the Hawks will find themselves with the next Mario Lemiex, Paul Kariya, or even the next Ned Braden!
* So Ken Griffey Jr. has finally talked to the media. Of course, the reason he talked to the media is to explain why he has not been talking to the media. It turns out that Junior is upset with the criticism that he has been receiving and the suggestion that he consider changing positions from center field to first base or left field to help lessen the wear and tear on his body. Talking to the media about why one is not talking to the media. Interesting concept. Isn't this a little like wearing a mink coat to protest the unethical treatment of animals? Or driving around the country yelling out a loudspeaker about the high price of gas? Or refusing to shoot in the second half of a Game 7 to prove that your team needs you to shoot to have a chance to win (I'm looking right at you, Kobe)? Or even...and you knew this was coming...a little like going on every television and radio show to announce that you are sick of talking about getting punched in the mug?
* When the hiring of Kelvin Sampson was first announced, I was extremely suprised. And then, once the dust began to settle, I started to like the hire more and more. But now, what the &*%$&#@?!?
The official verdict is in and it is not pretty if you are a Hsier fan. Sampson has been barred from making recruiting calls or in-person recruiting visits for one year as a result of his having made more than 550 impermissible phone calls to recruits while the head coach at Oklahoma. Do you realize how crushing this is? Recruiting is the lifeblood of an intercollegiate sports program and now the head coach cannot, for all intents and purposes, recruit? What in the heck were IU athletic director and president Adam Herbert thinking? You have to imagine that they did their homework (like they said they did) and honestly believed that such a sanction would not be handed down. Well, looks like it did not quite turn out that way!
Sampson better stay up all night praying that he has hired assistant coaches that are extremely good at their job and that can sell IU at least enough to get the kid to come to Bloomington (where they will inevitably see IU's shoddy facilities...but that is another story). (In other words, do not hire Willy Loman). If they are not good, and I mean extremely good, at what they do, IU may very well have to go the Eddie Sutton route and start mailing out envelopes with hundred dollar bills in them or go the Pete Bell route, find a big time booster namedHappy, and buy a new home for Buch McRae and a tractor for Ricky Roe's dad.
I want you to really think about this. IU has now hired a man who, for at least one year, in essence, cannot do his job. It has not worked for the Cubs in signing free agents and it is unlikely to work for Iniana. Think about this in a real world scenario. Imagine the police department hiring a guy who can't fire a gun or slap a pair of handcuffs on Randy Moss. Think about a trucking company hiring a guy with a suspended driver's license to do the New-York to Phoenix run. Think about hiring Ozzy Osbourne to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at your company's softball championship.
Zero tolerance. my ass.
* Finally, as some of you know, I have put a hidden counter on this site to track the number of hits that I am receiving. Let me just say that I have been nothing short of delighted with the apparent number of Random Thoughts fans (why don't you people comment?). In fact, we hit an all-time high of 59 hits on Wednesday. Thank you! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it...
Now, I do not for the life of me, believe that there are 59 people reading this thing (the counter registers hits from the same computer unless they are consecutive) and I was interested in getting a better idea of how many people read the RT on a daily basis. So, I asked the eight members of the RT Advisory Council to abstain from checking the site more than once yesterday. Once again, I was extremely happy with the results. Unless, the eight members ignored my request and checked a number of times anyway, like the time when Bobby wanted to grow taller and actually thought that his ridiculous stretching regimen was working only to find out that each of his sisters had lowered the benchmark piece of tape (hey, their heart was in the right place!), I have a larger audience than I thought! Thank you!
Now, I have got to go save someone from a meat locker. Have a terrific Holiday weekend.
***Today's (I think tough) Pop Culture Trivia: Renowned Director Martin Scorsese has never won an Oscar and has not (yet) been the recipient of the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. He has, however, been nominated as Best Director five times. For which five movies did Scorsese receive a nomination?
Chervin? You out there?
Let's start with Barrett, who has always come across as a genuinely nice guy and who, for some curious reason, truly seems to enjoy playing for the Cubs. There simply is no excuse for what Barrett did. I've heard all the apologists who claim that Pierzynski deserves at least some of the blame for his actions, but the apologists probably also believe that Sammy Sosa really was using his "impress the crowd" batting practice bat and the old grey-haired dude won American Idol fair and sqaure. My advice to Michael. Take the Orbitz challenge. Plan a nice vacation somewhere. Yesterday, I mentioned the Bahamas, but why not book a flight back to Miami, head straight down U.S. 1, and don't stop until you're bellied up to the Schooner Wharf bar, drinking an ice-cold Key West Ale, and, for at least ten days, not give a crap whether Henry Blanco can hit his weight (he can't), whether whoever starts in place of Kerry Wood on Sunday can set an all-time record for most walks in an inning (he can), and whether Tom Kelly, Lou Pinella, Jessica Alba or Jimmy Buffett will be the next manager of the team.
That brings us to Perzynski, who was fined as a result of the melee. Let me make one thing perfectly clear...I do not like A.J. Pierzynski. I read somewhere that A.J. stands for Anthony John, but I am more inclined the believe that it really stands for "Absolute Jerk." Look, there is a reason that the guy finished #9 on GQ magazine's list of "10 Most Hated Athletes" (T.O. finished #1 and Barry Bonds was #2). They absolutely could not stand the guy in San Francisco where he was rounded criticized by his teammates for being a "cancer." Even Ozzie Guillen and die-hard White Sox fans agree that the guy is often a royal pain in the you-know-where. On numerous occasions Guillen has commented about how big a jerk he can be and ESPN 1000's resident Sox apologist, Dan McNeil (not that they need an apologist for much these days), emphasizes the way that A.J. breaks an unwritten baseball rule by running directly across the pitchers mound after making an out in a deliberate attempt to antogonize the opposing team and shoots his mouth off more often than Sidney Deane, Wesley Snipes' character in White Men Can't Jump. In fact, most "experts" agree that Barrett probably received a lot of congratulatory letters and thank you notes from players around the major leagues for the punch.
That said, holy moly, would he look good in a Cubs uniform...
Despite my dislike of Pierzynski, however, I am man enough to admit that both his ejection from last Saturday's game and the resultant fine are unfair. What precisely is he being fined for? Slapping home plate in a demonstrative manner? Irritating...yes, but worthy of discipline? The bottom line is that MLB's disciplinary action against A.J. is similar to when a famous movie director is given a "Lifetime Achievement Award" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (see: Robert Altman in 2006)***
I have to chuckle, however, at A.J. and his ridiculous claims that he wishes that the whole thing would just go away and that he does not wish to talk about the fight anymore. Such comments were made immediately after last Saturday's game. Of course, Pierzynski then appeared on Fox Sports Sunday, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN News in the next two days. I suppose he thought that Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser just wanted to talk with him about the development of Brandon McCarthy or his appearance on professional wrestling's TNA IMPACT! during which A.J.'s "team" was victorious after Pierzynski knocked out wrestler Simon Diamond with a home plate that was handed to him by Johnny Damon (I guess there just happened to be a home plate lying around). I think he may even have made an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show claiming that even 5'10, 195 lb, Cliff Politte could beat the crap out of Steve.
* I really do not have too much to say about Tail Chaser Anderson and his suspension. Protecting a teammate? Hogwash. Watch the replay. Anderson simply looked like a drunk frat guy who was absolutely delighted to be in a fight. He came in throwing punches like the two chicks in the barroom brawl scene in the movie Airplane. Hitting .167 on the season and recently replaced by Rob Mackowiak as the Sox everyday center fielder, Anderson might as well accept his suspension. Head off to Vegas for a few days, Tail Chaser. Plenty of decent strip clubs there.
* So, why did little Joey Cora receive a suspension? According to Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, Cora, who was on the bottom of a pile, "bit Jacque Jones in the foot" (Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" wants to know why Einstein Jones did not report this...good question but for the fact that it is Jones that we are talking about and he has proven that he is far from the sharpest knife in the drawer). Further, it seems as though Cora has been accused of biting people in the past. If fact, I've heard a rumor that an overly cautious Evander Holyfield has gotten a restraining order against Joey. Looks like we have a new nickname...Jaws Cora (although it is not as if the Sox third base coach is going to get a lot of copy in the Random Thoughts, unless, of course, Ozzie loses his mind and hires Wavin' Wendell).
* The truth is that you just never know what goes on at the bottom of a pile in a benches-clearing brawl. Joey Cora mistaking Einstein Jones' foot for a club sandwich (or a hero or a hoagie or a grinder). Tadahito Iguchi and Todd Walker arguing over whether Bobby Flay or Hiroyuki Sakai is a better chef. Bobby Jenks looking to see if anyone dropped a Krispy Kreme. It is the things that happen at the bottom of the pile that baseball likes to keep quiet. You know about the suspensions to Barrett, Anderson and Cora, and the fine to Pierzynski, but unreported are the small fines assessed for rather innocuous trasngressions. Twenty dollars for Jones hitting Scotty Pods with his copy of "Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning" (what can I say? I love that joke!). Sixty dollars from Jermaine Dye's theft of Stephen Hawking Hairston's pocket protector and protractor. And poor, poor Weasley has to use Professor Umbridge's magic quill and write "I will not take my wand out in front of muggles" over and over until the message sinks in after an untimely and ill-advised bat bogey hex gone wrong (look, if you are not a Harry Potter fan, lock yourself in a room with all six books this Holiday weekend. Just get it over with. This is not going to stop).
* A lot has been said about the fight and if I had a quarter for everytime I have heard the media use the all-too-common cliche' "bush league" to describe Barrett's punch, I'd be able to buy myself a copy of "12 Inches of Snow" and try to figure out the words to "Informer." The truth is that I have no idea what the heck the "Bush League" is or who plays in it. Is that the league that Colin Powell was kicked out of for questioning league management's "strategery?" Is it the league where Dick Cheney sits in a bunker below the dugout "just in case?" Is this the league whose games are broadcast on Fox News and roundly criticized by CNN?
Oh wait, this is the six-team international league that Tony Blair mentioned is currently being developed, isn't it? The one with the New Texas (formally Iraq) WMD, the New Crawford (formally Afghanistan) Freedom Fighters, the Houston Jr. (formally North Korea) Nuclear Exhibitionists, the Oiland (formally Saudi Arabia) Friends of the Program, the Even Newer Texas (formally Iran) Sons-of-Bitches, the County Where You Can Get Yummy Croissants Wusses, and the South Florida Hanging Chads.
* The Blackhawks have announced the signing of Dave Bolland, the team's second round pick in 2004. One question..what in the heck took dang long? Drafted in 2004? If this guy is good, what was the holdup? Was Pulford too busy trying to re-acquire Paul Coffey and Doug Gilmour? Was Wirtz too busy trying to come up with a good excuse for taking the away games off television too ("It hurts our dedicated fans who travel to Calgary to watch their favorite team play...").
Oh wait a minute...all ties with 26-year broadcaster Pat Foley are cut one day and three days later, young Mr. Bolland inks a deal? Hmmm... I seem to remember another ultra-popular Chicago broadcaster who was run out of town because Kent Mercker didn't like his criticism of the team and Moises Alou is not man enough to take the heat for his stupid baseball. Now, I do not know of any connection between Foley and Ballond (yes, I spelled his name wrong, It's the Blackhawks, does it really matter?) and Foley has never come across to me as an overly-negative guy. I just think it is a shame the way Chicago keeps losing top-notch broadcasters, but has to deal with Chris Singleton.
By the way, Bolland scored 57 goals and had 73 assists in 59 games for the London (Ontario) Knights last season. I know it's minor leagues, but, wow! Perhaps lady luck will finally smile on the Indian Head sweater and the Hawks will find themselves with the next Mario Lemiex, Paul Kariya, or even the next Ned Braden!
* So Ken Griffey Jr. has finally talked to the media. Of course, the reason he talked to the media is to explain why he has not been talking to the media. It turns out that Junior is upset with the criticism that he has been receiving and the suggestion that he consider changing positions from center field to first base or left field to help lessen the wear and tear on his body. Talking to the media about why one is not talking to the media. Interesting concept. Isn't this a little like wearing a mink coat to protest the unethical treatment of animals? Or driving around the country yelling out a loudspeaker about the high price of gas? Or refusing to shoot in the second half of a Game 7 to prove that your team needs you to shoot to have a chance to win (I'm looking right at you, Kobe)? Or even...and you knew this was coming...a little like going on every television and radio show to announce that you are sick of talking about getting punched in the mug?
* When the hiring of Kelvin Sampson was first announced, I was extremely suprised. And then, once the dust began to settle, I started to like the hire more and more. But now, what the &*%$&#@?!?
The official verdict is in and it is not pretty if you are a Hsier fan. Sampson has been barred from making recruiting calls or in-person recruiting visits for one year as a result of his having made more than 550 impermissible phone calls to recruits while the head coach at Oklahoma. Do you realize how crushing this is? Recruiting is the lifeblood of an intercollegiate sports program and now the head coach cannot, for all intents and purposes, recruit? What in the heck were IU athletic director and president Adam Herbert thinking? You have to imagine that they did their homework (like they said they did) and honestly believed that such a sanction would not be handed down. Well, looks like it did not quite turn out that way!
Sampson better stay up all night praying that he has hired assistant coaches that are extremely good at their job and that can sell IU at least enough to get the kid to come to Bloomington (where they will inevitably see IU's shoddy facilities...but that is another story). (In other words, do not hire Willy Loman). If they are not good, and I mean extremely good, at what they do, IU may very well have to go the Eddie Sutton route and start mailing out envelopes with hundred dollar bills in them or go the Pete Bell route, find a big time booster namedHappy, and buy a new home for Buch McRae and a tractor for Ricky Roe's dad.
I want you to really think about this. IU has now hired a man who, for at least one year, in essence, cannot do his job. It has not worked for the Cubs in signing free agents and it is unlikely to work for Iniana. Think about this in a real world scenario. Imagine the police department hiring a guy who can't fire a gun or slap a pair of handcuffs on Randy Moss. Think about a trucking company hiring a guy with a suspended driver's license to do the New-York to Phoenix run. Think about hiring Ozzy Osbourne to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at your company's softball championship.
Zero tolerance. my ass.
* Finally, as some of you know, I have put a hidden counter on this site to track the number of hits that I am receiving. Let me just say that I have been nothing short of delighted with the apparent number of Random Thoughts fans (why don't you people comment?). In fact, we hit an all-time high of 59 hits on Wednesday. Thank you! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it...
Now, I do not for the life of me, believe that there are 59 people reading this thing (the counter registers hits from the same computer unless they are consecutive) and I was interested in getting a better idea of how many people read the RT on a daily basis. So, I asked the eight members of the RT Advisory Council to abstain from checking the site more than once yesterday. Once again, I was extremely happy with the results. Unless, the eight members ignored my request and checked a number of times anyway, like the time when Bobby wanted to grow taller and actually thought that his ridiculous stretching regimen was working only to find out that each of his sisters had lowered the benchmark piece of tape (hey, their heart was in the right place!), I have a larger audience than I thought! Thank you!
Now, I have got to go save someone from a meat locker. Have a terrific Holiday weekend.
***Today's (I think tough) Pop Culture Trivia: Renowned Director Martin Scorsese has never won an Oscar and has not (yet) been the recipient of the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. He has, however, been nominated as Best Director five times. For which five movies did Scorsese receive a nomination?
Chervin? You out there?
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Statistically Speaking
***WARNING*** Today's post is littered with a number of frightening, ugly statistics that are sure to make you recoil in horror. Put the children to bed and hide the elderly. Random Thoughts readers with heart conditions, weak stomachs or who uncontrollably sob at the drop of a hat ala Dick Vermeil and Roy Williams (in North Carolina he is now considered a "softie" and his annual breakdown is deemed endearing; in Kansas, on the other hand, he is a bleepin' wuuuuuussss) are encouraged to skip this post and visit www.Iwearaskirtandanapron.com Reader discretion is advised. You have been warned.
* In 2005, there were 209 reported murders in the city of Chicago and 10,772 motor vehicle thefts. Vin Diesel commands almost $20 million per film. More than 8 million people worldwide thought that "Informer" by Toronto reggae/ hip hop artist Snow was catchy enough to waste $12 on. I provide these statistics either to remind all of you to keep all of this in perspective or to prepare you for what is to come. I will let you be the judge.
* I am a Cubbs Fahn. I am a Kubs Phan. I am a Cubz Fhan. Sheesh, it's getting harder and harder to say/ write/ admit.
* Not only have the Cubs won only four of their last 22 games, they have been outscored 120-58 during that stretch. What's worse is that if you take the four wins out of the equation, they have been outscored 115-34! Think about that and really let it sink in... I, for one, have not seen such futility since Camp North Star took on neighboring Camp Mohawk in a game of basketball and the score at halftime was so bad that, rather than play the second half, the sexually-charged counselors of North Star elected to subscribe to the age-old theory "if you can't beat em', you might as well humiliate em' " by depantsing the Mohawk players, hopping on their bus and hightailing it the heck out of there.**
* The Cubs are coming off a three-game series sweep in Miami by Joe Girardi's Florida Marlins(overall record 14-31). Let's look a little closer at this monumental achievement. Prior to winning all three from the Cubs, the Marlins were on a 7-game losing streak, were an abhorrent 3-14 overall at Dolphin Stadium and were 1-12 in their last thirteen games played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty teal and orange seats. Want more? Prior to the Cubs arrival in South Florida, a three-game sweep by the Marlins had been about as rare as a compliment from Simon Cowell. In fact, it is only the fourth three-game sweep by the Marlins since the start of the 2005 season (and the other three came in the final three-games of the 2005 season against a Braves team that was resting every player who mattered in advance of the playoffs and in two 2005 series against the Devil Rays). That sweep of the Cardinals by the Cubs sure seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
* At the same time that the Cubs are spiraling down the toilet, the Sox continue to play solid baseball, sweeping the A's at U.S. Comiskular. Surprisingly, a Sox home sweep of Oakland had been about as likely as Charlie Bucket actually finding a Golden Ticket in a Scrum-diddly-umtious bar. The last time it happened? The Division winning season of 1983 as Floyd Bannister pitched seven innings of two-hit baseball in an 11-1 rout, Ron Kittle hit his 32nd home run of the season in a 7-6 victory, and Greg Luzinski hit a two-out, 9th inning walk-off home run in an 8-7 thriller. Ribbie and Roobarb must have gone nuts.
* Great quote looking back on the Ribbie and Rhubarb era... In a 1992 interview with the Chicago Tribune, Roobarb commented ""We took some shots from people ... Even little kids thought it was hilarious. They'd ask for an autograph and the next thing you knew you'd get a fist in the back or a kick in the leg." Bring back Andy the Clown!!
* PolyJuice Potion. It is the only explanation. What else can explain the lack of production out of Juan Pierre this season? For those of you intelligent enough to have stopped paying attention, Pierre is now hitting .230 with an on base percentage of .269 (lifetime numbers of .301 and .350 respectively). And for a guy who was universally trumpeted as nearly impossible to strike out, Pierre is heading back to the dugout with his head down an awful lot these days. This year he has struck out 10% of the time, while in past years, his strikeout percentage was 6.9%, 5.2%, 5.2% again, and 4.7%. Welcome to Chicago Juan! Glad to see Gene Clines is doing his job. Why don't we just hire former Cub lead-off man and lifetime .242 hitter Damon Buford as our new hitting coach? (Wait! Is it possible that Pierre really is Buford? Better check for a flask in the Cub's dugout. It ain't pumpkin juice!).
Most horrifying has been Juan's dizzying lack of production with runners in scoring position. On the season, Juan has precisely two more RBI than me and has had the same number of RBI in the last 43 games as...you. Juan is now a pathetic 0-23 with runners in scoring position on the season.
Look, learning that somebody is not who you think that he or she is is never easy. The entire city of Springfield was shocked upon hearing that the man who was running their elementary school was not Seymour Skinner, but rather Armin Tanzarian. Diane Huxley and her son Derek were stunned to learn that day laborer Frank was really a presumed-dead CTU agent named Jack Bauer. And who among us will ever forget the disappointing look on Lisa McDowell's face when she learned that Akeem was not really a goat herder, but rather the Prince of Zamunda.
I don't know where the real Juan Pierre is, but I, for one, am ready for the Felix Pee-Ay era to begin.
* Did you know?: That the 1998 movie Godzilla is littered with Simpsons references and connections. Not only do famous Simpson voices Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright appear in the movie, but, in one scene, star Matthew Broderick throws a taxi identification plate out of the window of his cab and the name on the plate is "Armin Tanzarian." (For those of you scoring at home, Godzilla grossed $136 million or only $6 million more than it cost to make).
* Yesterday, on Mike & Mike, Jayson Stark was asked about pitchers that could be traded this summer. He mentioned a number of names that should come as no suprise to anyone (Dontrelle Willis, Kelvim Escobar) and then he threw out this nugget..."The team that I would watch closely is the Cubs to see what happens with Prior and Wood." He went on to say that the Cubs are really beginning to wonder whether the two "superstars" are more likely to become the next Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling or the next Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie.
My initial, knee-jerk reaction, of course, was "Holy moly! We had better get a whole lot in return to let either of them go!" But then I really started to think about it...
In case you have not noticed, since the magical run of 2003, stalwarts Paul Byrd, Aaron Cook, and, it kills me to say this, Shawn Estes have more major league victories than Prior's 18 (Estes has 22 wins and injuries limited him to only 21 games in 2005 and one game this year). The list is even longer when you compare Wood's 11 victories since losing Game 7 to the Marlins. It includes all-time greats Wandy Rodriguez (16), Kirk Saarloos (14). Tomo Ohka (16), and, yes, Gopherball Glendon, who has 16 wins under his belt.
Of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, has as many wins in simulated game as Wood and Prior, though...
So, why not trade Prior and Wood? I saw at least one report that in his Rookie League starts Prior's fastball is topping out at 86 mph. Great, just what we need...another Greg Maddux. Wood, naturally, is expected to miss his next start with shoulder stiffness.
And you know that, at this point, the Cubs have got to be strongly considering the possibility. Stark also mentioned that it was the Cubs who were strongly pushing for the rumored Prior for Tejada trade this past winter. Boy, that's the last thing our offense needs... a guy hitting .335 with 13 home runs and 35 RBI. Make some calls Jim Hendry. Maybe Ben Gordon is available.
* I recognize that my whining about walks and first pitch strikes is quickly becoming the Random Thoughts' "They killed Kenny!" in that I seems as though Kirstie Alley can go longer without eating a box of Twinkies than I can without mentioning my distaste for base on balls, but I have what I feel is a pretty telling stat. Last Friday, at U.S. Comiskular, the White Sox soundly defeated the Cubs 7-1. Greg Maddux got shelled, while Mark Buehrle gave up two measley hits. The reason? Simple. Maddux was, for the most part, pitching behind in the count, while Buerhle was throwing a bucketful of first-pitch strikes.
In total, Maddux threw 14 first-pitch balls (47%) and 9 first-pitch strikes (9%) (7 balls were put into play). Buehrle, on the other hand, threw 11 first-pitch balls (34%) and 20 strikes (62.5%)(only one ball was put into play....guess all the conspirarists who claim that Dusty tells his hitters to swing at the first pitch are a little off). The strike zone hasn't changed since the 1800's, Greg.
* Of course, rock bottom came on Saturday, with Rich Hill, who had all the control of Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid after an evening at Prive in New York. Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam really did not bother me. What bothered me were the four walks that preceeded Iguchi's big bomb.
I know that Dusty is a renowned player's manager, but just once I want him to walk out to the mound, grab the pitcher by the jersey, look him right in the eye and say "If you throw one more pitch out of the strike zone, you are out of this dang game and headed straight back to Rookie Ball!" (where he can do battle with Prior) and that is a sanitized version. If you really want to know what I would like to see Dusty say, simply imagine the few choice words that Ozzie would intersperse into the statement.
That is why I was so impressed with Marlins' manager Joe Girardi this week. You know what? After seeing Girardi grab pitcher Scott Olsen by the jersey and drag him into the tunnel for a little chat during Monday night's game, I would hire Joe to lead my ballclub in a second. I'm not looking for Bob Knight or Pat Summitt or any other coach or manager who thinks he or she is the main attraction and, as a result, generally acts like an ass. Give me Herman Boone. He went straight into T.C. Williams High and didn't take any crap from anyone...not the star linebacker, the former coach or even his snotty nose daughter.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Cooled off with one hit in four at-bats. Season: It has been a while since the Random Thoughts last presented the Corey-o-Meter, so I want to make sure that you are all sitting down. Take a deep breath. Good. Are you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
As a result of Kid Corey's recent 11-19 hot streak, Patterson is now hitting .304 with 5 home runs, 18 RBI and 15 stolen bases. Look the kid ain't Roberto Clemente. And he ain't Ricky Henderson or A-Rod or Ken Griffey Jr. or even Andre Dawson. But, he ain't Juan Pierre either.
For the record, Kid Corey was traded for 2B Nate Spears (.212-0-9 with the Daytona Cubs) and pitcher Carlos Perez (6.75 ERA, 17 BB in 20 IP). Looks like Mssrs Spears and Perez are about as likely to make an impact in the major league as Pam Anderson is to be asked to play Lady MacBeth in Shakespeare in the Park.
* Something really special is happening just 300 miles south of the Windy City, where Albert Pujols is putting up truly mind-numbing numbers. For those of you who are still too busy trying to locate the names of the 38 songs from 1984 and, therefore, have not been paying attention, Pujols now has a whopping 23 home runs and 57 RBI in 45 games. You can bet that major league baseball is hoping that Pujols will break Barry Bonds' single season home run record (and Hack Wilson's record 191 RBI is also very much in jeopardy, although no matter what happens, the 5'6 Wilson will always hold the RBI per inch ratio).
Finding something negative to say about Pujols' game is more difficult than finding something positive to say about Neifi Perez's ability (well, there is that bunting thing). Picking the one aspect that is most impressive is like trying to name Jessica Alba's best feature. That said, Albert's home run to strikeout ration is absolutely mind boggling. Let me caution you that you really need to let this sink in to fully appreciate it. Pujols has 23 HR on the season, but only 12 strikeouts (almost a 1-2 HR/K ratio). By comparison, the Cubs, as a team, have hit 33 long balls and struck out 245 times for a ratio of 7.4-1 (and the Cubs' figure is really not that out of line with what you will find throughout major league baseball). In fact, if you look at the top-50 home run hitters this season, Pujols is the only one with more home runs than strikeouts and only Carlos Lee is even remotely close (18 K, 16 HR)
* By the way, after careful consideration, I'm going to have to go with the pierced navel.
Suspensions from last Saturday's Cubs-Sox brawl are expected to be handed down tomorrow (I don't pretend toknow precisely how long the suspensions will be, but if I'm Tyson Barrett, I'm not hesitating to plan a vacation to the Bahamas or somewhere) and I expect to give you my thoughts on the fight in tomorrow's post.
Have a good night! Enjoy listening to your Snow album...
Today's Pop Culture Trivia: What actor was head counselor at Camp Mohawk and what was his character's name? Extra credit to anyone who can also name the Director of Camp North Star...
* In 2005, there were 209 reported murders in the city of Chicago and 10,772 motor vehicle thefts. Vin Diesel commands almost $20 million per film. More than 8 million people worldwide thought that "Informer" by Toronto reggae/ hip hop artist Snow was catchy enough to waste $12 on. I provide these statistics either to remind all of you to keep all of this in perspective or to prepare you for what is to come. I will let you be the judge.
* I am a Cubbs Fahn. I am a Kubs Phan. I am a Cubz Fhan. Sheesh, it's getting harder and harder to say/ write/ admit.
* Not only have the Cubs won only four of their last 22 games, they have been outscored 120-58 during that stretch. What's worse is that if you take the four wins out of the equation, they have been outscored 115-34! Think about that and really let it sink in... I, for one, have not seen such futility since Camp North Star took on neighboring Camp Mohawk in a game of basketball and the score at halftime was so bad that, rather than play the second half, the sexually-charged counselors of North Star elected to subscribe to the age-old theory "if you can't beat em', you might as well humiliate em' " by depantsing the Mohawk players, hopping on their bus and hightailing it the heck out of there.**
* The Cubs are coming off a three-game series sweep in Miami by Joe Girardi's Florida Marlins(overall record 14-31). Let's look a little closer at this monumental achievement. Prior to winning all three from the Cubs, the Marlins were on a 7-game losing streak, were an abhorrent 3-14 overall at Dolphin Stadium and were 1-12 in their last thirteen games played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty teal and orange seats. Want more? Prior to the Cubs arrival in South Florida, a three-game sweep by the Marlins had been about as rare as a compliment from Simon Cowell. In fact, it is only the fourth three-game sweep by the Marlins since the start of the 2005 season (and the other three came in the final three-games of the 2005 season against a Braves team that was resting every player who mattered in advance of the playoffs and in two 2005 series against the Devil Rays). That sweep of the Cardinals by the Cubs sure seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
* At the same time that the Cubs are spiraling down the toilet, the Sox continue to play solid baseball, sweeping the A's at U.S. Comiskular. Surprisingly, a Sox home sweep of Oakland had been about as likely as Charlie Bucket actually finding a Golden Ticket in a Scrum-diddly-umtious bar. The last time it happened? The Division winning season of 1983 as Floyd Bannister pitched seven innings of two-hit baseball in an 11-1 rout, Ron Kittle hit his 32nd home run of the season in a 7-6 victory, and Greg Luzinski hit a two-out, 9th inning walk-off home run in an 8-7 thriller. Ribbie and Roobarb must have gone nuts.
* Great quote looking back on the Ribbie and Rhubarb era... In a 1992 interview with the Chicago Tribune, Roobarb commented ""We took some shots from people ... Even little kids thought it was hilarious. They'd ask for an autograph and the next thing you knew you'd get a fist in the back or a kick in the leg." Bring back Andy the Clown!!
* PolyJuice Potion. It is the only explanation. What else can explain the lack of production out of Juan Pierre this season? For those of you intelligent enough to have stopped paying attention, Pierre is now hitting .230 with an on base percentage of .269 (lifetime numbers of .301 and .350 respectively). And for a guy who was universally trumpeted as nearly impossible to strike out, Pierre is heading back to the dugout with his head down an awful lot these days. This year he has struck out 10% of the time, while in past years, his strikeout percentage was 6.9%, 5.2%, 5.2% again, and 4.7%. Welcome to Chicago Juan! Glad to see Gene Clines is doing his job. Why don't we just hire former Cub lead-off man and lifetime .242 hitter Damon Buford as our new hitting coach? (Wait! Is it possible that Pierre really is Buford? Better check for a flask in the Cub's dugout. It ain't pumpkin juice!).
Most horrifying has been Juan's dizzying lack of production with runners in scoring position. On the season, Juan has precisely two more RBI than me and has had the same number of RBI in the last 43 games as...you. Juan is now a pathetic 0-23 with runners in scoring position on the season.
Look, learning that somebody is not who you think that he or she is is never easy. The entire city of Springfield was shocked upon hearing that the man who was running their elementary school was not Seymour Skinner, but rather Armin Tanzarian. Diane Huxley and her son Derek were stunned to learn that day laborer Frank was really a presumed-dead CTU agent named Jack Bauer. And who among us will ever forget the disappointing look on Lisa McDowell's face when she learned that Akeem was not really a goat herder, but rather the Prince of Zamunda.
I don't know where the real Juan Pierre is, but I, for one, am ready for the Felix Pee-Ay era to begin.
* Did you know?: That the 1998 movie Godzilla is littered with Simpsons references and connections. Not only do famous Simpson voices Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright appear in the movie, but, in one scene, star Matthew Broderick throws a taxi identification plate out of the window of his cab and the name on the plate is "Armin Tanzarian." (For those of you scoring at home, Godzilla grossed $136 million or only $6 million more than it cost to make).
* Yesterday, on Mike & Mike, Jayson Stark was asked about pitchers that could be traded this summer. He mentioned a number of names that should come as no suprise to anyone (Dontrelle Willis, Kelvim Escobar) and then he threw out this nugget..."The team that I would watch closely is the Cubs to see what happens with Prior and Wood." He went on to say that the Cubs are really beginning to wonder whether the two "superstars" are more likely to become the next Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling or the next Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie.
My initial, knee-jerk reaction, of course, was "Holy moly! We had better get a whole lot in return to let either of them go!" But then I really started to think about it...
In case you have not noticed, since the magical run of 2003, stalwarts Paul Byrd, Aaron Cook, and, it kills me to say this, Shawn Estes have more major league victories than Prior's 18 (Estes has 22 wins and injuries limited him to only 21 games in 2005 and one game this year). The list is even longer when you compare Wood's 11 victories since losing Game 7 to the Marlins. It includes all-time greats Wandy Rodriguez (16), Kirk Saarloos (14). Tomo Ohka (16), and, yes, Gopherball Glendon, who has 16 wins under his belt.
Of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, has as many wins in simulated game as Wood and Prior, though...
So, why not trade Prior and Wood? I saw at least one report that in his Rookie League starts Prior's fastball is topping out at 86 mph. Great, just what we need...another Greg Maddux. Wood, naturally, is expected to miss his next start with shoulder stiffness.
And you know that, at this point, the Cubs have got to be strongly considering the possibility. Stark also mentioned that it was the Cubs who were strongly pushing for the rumored Prior for Tejada trade this past winter. Boy, that's the last thing our offense needs... a guy hitting .335 with 13 home runs and 35 RBI. Make some calls Jim Hendry. Maybe Ben Gordon is available.
* I recognize that my whining about walks and first pitch strikes is quickly becoming the Random Thoughts' "They killed Kenny!" in that I seems as though Kirstie Alley can go longer without eating a box of Twinkies than I can without mentioning my distaste for base on balls, but I have what I feel is a pretty telling stat. Last Friday, at U.S. Comiskular, the White Sox soundly defeated the Cubs 7-1. Greg Maddux got shelled, while Mark Buehrle gave up two measley hits. The reason? Simple. Maddux was, for the most part, pitching behind in the count, while Buerhle was throwing a bucketful of first-pitch strikes.
In total, Maddux threw 14 first-pitch balls (47%) and 9 first-pitch strikes (9%) (7 balls were put into play). Buehrle, on the other hand, threw 11 first-pitch balls (34%) and 20 strikes (62.5%)(only one ball was put into play....guess all the conspirarists who claim that Dusty tells his hitters to swing at the first pitch are a little off). The strike zone hasn't changed since the 1800's, Greg.
* Of course, rock bottom came on Saturday, with Rich Hill, who had all the control of Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid after an evening at Prive in New York. Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam really did not bother me. What bothered me were the four walks that preceeded Iguchi's big bomb.
I know that Dusty is a renowned player's manager, but just once I want him to walk out to the mound, grab the pitcher by the jersey, look him right in the eye and say "If you throw one more pitch out of the strike zone, you are out of this dang game and headed straight back to Rookie Ball!" (where he can do battle with Prior) and that is a sanitized version. If you really want to know what I would like to see Dusty say, simply imagine the few choice words that Ozzie would intersperse into the statement.
That is why I was so impressed with Marlins' manager Joe Girardi this week. You know what? After seeing Girardi grab pitcher Scott Olsen by the jersey and drag him into the tunnel for a little chat during Monday night's game, I would hire Joe to lead my ballclub in a second. I'm not looking for Bob Knight or Pat Summitt or any other coach or manager who thinks he or she is the main attraction and, as a result, generally acts like an ass. Give me Herman Boone. He went straight into T.C. Williams High and didn't take any crap from anyone...not the star linebacker, the former coach or even his snotty nose daughter.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Cooled off with one hit in four at-bats. Season: It has been a while since the Random Thoughts last presented the Corey-o-Meter, so I want to make sure that you are all sitting down. Take a deep breath. Good. Are you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
As a result of Kid Corey's recent 11-19 hot streak, Patterson is now hitting .304 with 5 home runs, 18 RBI and 15 stolen bases. Look the kid ain't Roberto Clemente. And he ain't Ricky Henderson or A-Rod or Ken Griffey Jr. or even Andre Dawson. But, he ain't Juan Pierre either.
For the record, Kid Corey was traded for 2B Nate Spears (.212-0-9 with the Daytona Cubs) and pitcher Carlos Perez (6.75 ERA, 17 BB in 20 IP). Looks like Mssrs Spears and Perez are about as likely to make an impact in the major league as Pam Anderson is to be asked to play Lady MacBeth in Shakespeare in the Park.
* Something really special is happening just 300 miles south of the Windy City, where Albert Pujols is putting up truly mind-numbing numbers. For those of you who are still too busy trying to locate the names of the 38 songs from 1984 and, therefore, have not been paying attention, Pujols now has a whopping 23 home runs and 57 RBI in 45 games. You can bet that major league baseball is hoping that Pujols will break Barry Bonds' single season home run record (and Hack Wilson's record 191 RBI is also very much in jeopardy, although no matter what happens, the 5'6 Wilson will always hold the RBI per inch ratio).
Finding something negative to say about Pujols' game is more difficult than finding something positive to say about Neifi Perez's ability (well, there is that bunting thing). Picking the one aspect that is most impressive is like trying to name Jessica Alba's best feature. That said, Albert's home run to strikeout ration is absolutely mind boggling. Let me caution you that you really need to let this sink in to fully appreciate it. Pujols has 23 HR on the season, but only 12 strikeouts (almost a 1-2 HR/K ratio). By comparison, the Cubs, as a team, have hit 33 long balls and struck out 245 times for a ratio of 7.4-1 (and the Cubs' figure is really not that out of line with what you will find throughout major league baseball). In fact, if you look at the top-50 home run hitters this season, Pujols is the only one with more home runs than strikeouts and only Carlos Lee is even remotely close (18 K, 16 HR)
* By the way, after careful consideration, I'm going to have to go with the pierced navel.
Suspensions from last Saturday's Cubs-Sox brawl are expected to be handed down tomorrow (I don't pretend toknow precisely how long the suspensions will be, but if I'm Tyson Barrett, I'm not hesitating to plan a vacation to the Bahamas or somewhere) and I expect to give you my thoughts on the fight in tomorrow's post.
Have a good night! Enjoy listening to your Snow album...
Today's Pop Culture Trivia: What actor was head counselor at Camp Mohawk and what was his character's name? Extra credit to anyone who can also name the Director of Camp North Star...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Out of the Lineup
Due to circumstances out of my control ("theson" is under the weather), there will be no new post today. Normally, I would think that he is faking just to stay home to watch today's big Cubs-Marlins game, but he's never lead me to believe that he enjoys wasting two-three hours in the past, so I am going to trust that he is really sick.
By the way, yes, I did hear Jayson Starks' rather interesting comments regarding Kerry Wood and Mark Prior on this morning's Mike & Mike and plan to talk about the possibility that either or both could be traded by the Cubs tomorrow (no, they are not likely to be traded tomorrow, I am simply going to talk about the possibility tomorrow -- what is the proper grammar?)
Have a great day! Speak with you tomorrow.
By the way, yes, I did hear Jayson Starks' rather interesting comments regarding Kerry Wood and Mark Prior on this morning's Mike & Mike and plan to talk about the possibility that either or both could be traded by the Cubs tomorrow (no, they are not likely to be traded tomorrow, I am simply going to talk about the possibility tomorrow -- what is the proper grammar?)
Have a great day! Speak with you tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Bleeding Blue
Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of attending a surprise 40th birthday party for my sister-in-law. The party, which was held a meager five hours after Tyson Barrett played George McFly to A.J. Pierzynski's Biff Tannen (with a little less success) and a mere 27 hours after Friday's absolute debacle, was held at my sister-in-law's house in Homewood, Illinois. Homewood, you see, is just south of Hazel Crest, which is adjacent to Markham, which is just down Route 57 from Blue Island, which sit a couple of miles south of twin rusted pick-up trucks on blocks parked on a lawn on 101st Street, which is a relatively short drive from a row of crack houses on 73rd, which is a stones throw from a boarded up Wendy's on 71st, which is not far from Uncle Montavious' chicken and rib and candy and cigarette shack on 55th street, which is a short 20 blocks from the scene of the crime(s)... U.S. Comiskular Field. A Cubs fan in a sea of Ross Gload devotees.
Great. So must be how Peter felt at the Sunflower Girl meeting.
Eventually, I started chatting with a very nice couple. She was an absolute die-hard Sox fan. The kind who thinks Hawk Harrelson is witty and charming and Ozzie's incessant cursing is just his "colorful" personality. The kind who follows, to the letter, grinder ball rule #1060: Satan's playground is located at the corner of Clark and Addison . He, on the other hand, was a recent convert. A former Cub fan who had given up and gone to the dark side (it's the Sox words, not mine). And he had some advice that he was willing to share. He looked me right in the eye and said "tomorrow, when you wake up, I want you to repeat over and over 'I am a Sox fan."
What exactly was he suggesting? Trade in my Ryne Sandberg pin-striped home jersey for a Harold Baines #3? Celebrate at the altar of Nancy Faust? Remember Harry Caray, not for his drunken mispronunciations of Buechele, Trachsel and Telemaco, but rather for his drunken mispronunciations of Soderholm, Nordhagen and Barrios?
Well, you know what? In my opinion, it simply doesn't work that way.
I am a Cubs fan. Period. And that means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Houston Astros on a rainy May afternoon at Wrigley. It means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood dominates the Atlanta Braves in the 5th and deciding game of the 2003 N.L. Divisional Series. And, yes, it means that I am a Cubs fan when Wood gives up three-home runs against the National Expos in his return to the big leagues, when Wood (or any other Cub pitcher...take your pick) walks twelve batters in two innings, and, of course, when the team announces that he will miss the next month and a half recovering from cat scratch fever. I am a Cubs fan.
After Rich Hill walked his fourth batter of the second inning Saturday (by the way, my Friday prediction about Hill's walks was supposed to be tounge in cheek), I was angry. Very angry. So angry that I swore to a number of Random Thoughts commenters and readers (especially "thewife," "thedaughter," "theson," "thecat," "theothercat," and "thehighdefintionTV") that I was finished. I swore that I would no longer watch the Cubs until they started playing baseball the right way. I pledged that WGN, WCIU and Comcast would no longer be part of my television watching rotation until the base on balls, stupid bunts, errors, inability to get a clutch hit, stupid baserunnning, mental breakdowns, poor fundamentals, more mental breakdowns, and lack of overall hustle were a thing of the past. Thewife laughed. Thedaughter laughed. Theson laughed (although he was just amused by a toy). Thecat laughed. Theothercat took a crap on the rug.
And they were right to laugh. Because I am a Cubs fan. I can't just renounce my allegiance and apply for membership in the Neal Cotts fan club (although after his performance on Sunday, I would kind of like to). I can't just strut around town in a yellow White Sox jersey, no matter how stylish they are. They have better food at U.S. Comiskular, better sight lines, and better activities for the kids. The bathrooms are clean. But, you know what? I'd still rather dodge falling concrete, peer around a giant pole and pee in a trough. Because I am a Cubs fan.
Maybe, I am part of the problem. What's the old argument? Why would things change if you are not willing to let management know of your displeasure?
The old argument does not work, though with the tourist attraction that is the Cubs. I can stay away from the park, but Esther, Bea, Ruth, Josephine and Georgina are still going to make the bus trip from Cedar Rapids to see whether Bronson Arroyo can hit yet more home runs off of Gopherball Glendon. I can refuse to accept a free ticket to a game if offered to me, but Troy, Justin and their buddies are still going to sit in the bleachers drinking beer and hitting on every girl that walks (and a few that don't). This is reality.
But, it really does not matter. I'm not going to watch reruns of Temptation Island on the Reality TV channel instead of Len and Bob. Because I am a Cubs fan. I will cheer on my Cubs from the first pitch with the score tied to the last pitch with the team down 19-1. I will root for Ronny Cedeno to become the solid everyday shortstop that we all know he can be. I will hope that Big Z can harness his emotions and develop into a true Cy Young candidate. I will watch Weasley become a batting champion and pray that he does not turn to "Just For Men" (and if he does, I will be mad, but I will support him). I will be there hoping that a turnaround is just waiting for the return of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood and Wade Miller. And if they can't come back? Then I will be there to celebrate every shoulder surgery. Every pain killer. Every cortizone shot.
I am a Cubs fan.
And I will be forever.
Sigh.
***If you would like the answers to the 1984 music trivia, send me an e-mail at daniel@issa.com.
*** The Cubs Opening Day starting pitcher in 1984 was Dick Ruthven.
Great. So must be how Peter felt at the Sunflower Girl meeting.
Eventually, I started chatting with a very nice couple. She was an absolute die-hard Sox fan. The kind who thinks Hawk Harrelson is witty and charming and Ozzie's incessant cursing is just his "colorful" personality. The kind who follows, to the letter, grinder ball rule #1060: Satan's playground is located at the corner of Clark and Addison . He, on the other hand, was a recent convert. A former Cub fan who had given up and gone to the dark side (it's the Sox words, not mine). And he had some advice that he was willing to share. He looked me right in the eye and said "tomorrow, when you wake up, I want you to repeat over and over 'I am a Sox fan."
What exactly was he suggesting? Trade in my Ryne Sandberg pin-striped home jersey for a Harold Baines #3? Celebrate at the altar of Nancy Faust? Remember Harry Caray, not for his drunken mispronunciations of Buechele, Trachsel and Telemaco, but rather for his drunken mispronunciations of Soderholm, Nordhagen and Barrios?
Well, you know what? In my opinion, it simply doesn't work that way.
I am a Cubs fan. Period. And that means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Houston Astros on a rainy May afternoon at Wrigley. It means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood dominates the Atlanta Braves in the 5th and deciding game of the 2003 N.L. Divisional Series. And, yes, it means that I am a Cubs fan when Wood gives up three-home runs against the National Expos in his return to the big leagues, when Wood (or any other Cub pitcher...take your pick) walks twelve batters in two innings, and, of course, when the team announces that he will miss the next month and a half recovering from cat scratch fever. I am a Cubs fan.
After Rich Hill walked his fourth batter of the second inning Saturday (by the way, my Friday prediction about Hill's walks was supposed to be tounge in cheek), I was angry. Very angry. So angry that I swore to a number of Random Thoughts commenters and readers (especially "thewife," "thedaughter," "theson," "thecat," "theothercat," and "thehighdefintionTV") that I was finished. I swore that I would no longer watch the Cubs until they started playing baseball the right way. I pledged that WGN, WCIU and Comcast would no longer be part of my television watching rotation until the base on balls, stupid bunts, errors, inability to get a clutch hit, stupid baserunnning, mental breakdowns, poor fundamentals, more mental breakdowns, and lack of overall hustle were a thing of the past. Thewife laughed. Thedaughter laughed. Theson laughed (although he was just amused by a toy). Thecat laughed. Theothercat took a crap on the rug.
And they were right to laugh. Because I am a Cubs fan. I can't just renounce my allegiance and apply for membership in the Neal Cotts fan club (although after his performance on Sunday, I would kind of like to). I can't just strut around town in a yellow White Sox jersey, no matter how stylish they are. They have better food at U.S. Comiskular, better sight lines, and better activities for the kids. The bathrooms are clean. But, you know what? I'd still rather dodge falling concrete, peer around a giant pole and pee in a trough. Because I am a Cubs fan.
Maybe, I am part of the problem. What's the old argument? Why would things change if you are not willing to let management know of your displeasure?
The old argument does not work, though with the tourist attraction that is the Cubs. I can stay away from the park, but Esther, Bea, Ruth, Josephine and Georgina are still going to make the bus trip from Cedar Rapids to see whether Bronson Arroyo can hit yet more home runs off of Gopherball Glendon. I can refuse to accept a free ticket to a game if offered to me, but Troy, Justin and their buddies are still going to sit in the bleachers drinking beer and hitting on every girl that walks (and a few that don't). This is reality.
But, it really does not matter. I'm not going to watch reruns of Temptation Island on the Reality TV channel instead of Len and Bob. Because I am a Cubs fan. I will cheer on my Cubs from the first pitch with the score tied to the last pitch with the team down 19-1. I will root for Ronny Cedeno to become the solid everyday shortstop that we all know he can be. I will hope that Big Z can harness his emotions and develop into a true Cy Young candidate. I will watch Weasley become a batting champion and pray that he does not turn to "Just For Men" (and if he does, I will be mad, but I will support him). I will be there hoping that a turnaround is just waiting for the return of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood and Wade Miller. And if they can't come back? Then I will be there to celebrate every shoulder surgery. Every pain killer. Every cortizone shot.
I am a Cubs fan.
And I will be forever.
Sigh.
***If you would like the answers to the 1984 music trivia, send me an e-mail at daniel@issa.com.
*** The Cubs Opening Day starting pitcher in 1984 was Dick Ruthven.
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