Still...too...angry...to...think...straight.
Look, nobody, and I mean nobody, was happier that Tyson Barrett and Einstein Jones actually took advantage of Juan Uribe's imitation of Shawon Dunston, but yesterday's 7-4 Cubs victory does not even begin to erase the horrible memories of what happened on Friday and Saturday at U.S. Comiskular. As many Random Thoughts readers, including Bearister, Parrotmama, Daddy Wags and Thewife (especially poor Thewife) can attest, Saturday was...how should I say this?... not one of my better days. And since I am a firm believer that one really ought to cool off before saying or writing something that they possibly do not really mean, I feel the need to hold off on my ranting and raving about Rich Hill, Thing Two and the rest of the boys in blue.
But, since I fully recognize that the Random Thoughts is the singular beautiful flower in the weed garden that is your lives, I will not let you down. Because I know that each of you wakes up each morning knowing that whatever horrible atrocities await you during your day, you can still rely on a well placed DeGrassi Jr. High reference or an unexpected Barry Foote mention, I will fulfill my duty. As Random Thoughts commenter "cubfankev" so eloquently put it...I'm going to "walk the walk," "blog the blog."
I will try and take you back to a happier time. A time of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, leg warmers and designer shoelaces. A time when Fraggle Rock was on every television and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was on every big screen. We ate Pop Rocks and begged our moms and dads for Transformers and Glo Worms. Mr. Roarke welcomed us to Fantasy Island for the final time, while a former major league ballplayer with a tough-guy reputation was hired as Angela Bower's new housekeeper. A time when the world was introduced to a young Alyssa Milano.
Today we are going to dig deep into the Dan Wagner vault of fun. For your enjoyment and entertainment, I have reprinted an original Dan Wagner column, written as a wee lad of 12 in the glorious summer of 1984. Please enjoy this blast from the past! Let's go crazy! Let's get nuts! Let's look for the purple banana until they put us in the truck!
Originally published on June 14, 1984
{Cue: Sound effect of bubbles and visual effect of world getting hazy around us as we take a trip back through time}
* Well, Cubs' General Manager Dallas Green has done it again! Say it isn't so!!! Trading youngsters Joe Carter and Mel Hall for catcher Ron Hassey, relief pitcher George Frazier and overrated starting pitcher Rick Sutcliffe is going to make his earlier deal sending fan favorite Bill Buckner to Boston for Dennis Eckersley look intelligent. I mean, how many pitchers with ERAs above five runs per game do we need? Sutcliffe is 4-5 with a 5.15 so far this season with Cleveland, while Eckersley went 9-13 with a 5.61 last season for the BoSox. What do we need these guys for? Does Green expect to turn Eckersley into a closer or something? That would be moronic. And, while I recognize that Buckner's production has slipped recently and Leon Durham is the new starting first baseman, Buckner is the glue that holds the clubhouse together. You mark my words. Boston is going to love him. He'll retire and be given a parade down Yawkey Way and will forever be remembered for his time in Boston. He'll follow Ted Williams and Yaz as the newest Red Sox hero.
Furthermore, trading Hall will turn out to be a huge mistake. He has future superstar written all over him. Trading Carter, who can't get a big hit in a key situation to save his life, is okay, but trading Mel Hall? Gag me with a spoon. The very idea is positively grody to the max! So I guess that's why they call it the blues.
* Speaking of Leon Bull Durham, I'm a little concerned about his lack of range at first base, compared with Buckner. I have the utmost confidence that he will absolutely make the routine play without exception, but will he get to the ball in the hole? For the sake of the Cubs' infield defense, it's the most important question since Clara Parker asked a nation of fast food restaurants Where's the Beef?
* I'm also not sold on Danny Partridge (man, I hope somebody comes up with a new red-headed fictional character in the future) in right field. I fear that Moreland does not hit with enough power and, time after time, will struggle to drive in runs.
* To his credit, last year he was practically automatic in save situations, but I have to ask...does current Cubs' closer Lee Smith need glasses? What's with all the squinting? To a hitter, Smith straining to see catcher Jody Davis' sign must be scarier than getting your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi.
* Look, I'm not completely down on every aspect of the Cubs. Yes, I think it is going to turn out to be a rather cruel summer, but there are definitely positives. Ryne Sandberg sure looks like the real deal. He's got it all. He has proven that he can hit, play defense and is an all-American guy with a terrific looking wife in Cindy. I certainly know that love is a battlefield and you might think that on-the-road temptation will eventually get the best of him, but he and Cindy seem truly head over heels in love with each other. I've got to believe that they will be Chicago's top couple forever.
* Oh well, should the Cubs collapse as I expect, at least we can all go watch Ivan Reitman's latest movie Ghostbusters, which just came out last week. Bill Murray and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Sign me up! I'd even trade my 45 of Nena's 99 Luftballoons for a ticket.
* Speaking of movies, be sure to check out the character Betty Childs in the hilarious new movie Revenge of the Nerds. What a great set of legs! (Yes, I know that I am only 12, but I'm not dead). She does not quite rival Random Thoughts resident hottie Valerie Bertinelli (I hate to admit this but infatuation is beginning to set in), but you are sure to enjoy the scene in the Moon Jump thing. Hey, girls just want to have fun!
* I'm guessing that actor Anthony Edwards, who plays Gilbert, leaves his acting career behind and either becomes a fighter pilot or an emergency room doctor.
* Not to focus too much on pop culture, but Valerie Bertinelli's husband's rock band just might be the greatest band in music history! And they seem so close knit. Like the aforementioned Ryne and Cindy, I just can't imagine anything happening that can tear Eddie, Alex, Michael and David Lee apart. A breakup is about as likely as a Mondale-Ferrarro victory this fall and would be more suprising than Hulk Hogan's victory over the Iron Shiek two months ago. I've gotta get me a red tank top t-shirt with the horizontal tears in the back! Hulkamania rules!
* White Sox short stop Scott Fletcher is off to a slow start this year and I can only wonder whether he is hearing footsteps. Minor league reports indicate that young Venezuelan SS Ozzie Guillen is almost ready for the majors. Scouts love the kid's hustle and his sanitized, polite demeanor. Let's just hope that he is taken under Richard Dotson's wing and not LaMarr Hoyt's. Otherwise we'll hear move expletives coming from the south side than we heard during last year's Eddie Murphy classic Delirious.
* Does San Francisco Giant outfielder Dusty Baker have anything left in the tank? That is precisely the question that Sox fans are asking. Concerned that Ron Kittle may have only been a one-year wonder (his current average is hovering aroung .200), the Sox are considering trying to pry Baker from the Giants to beef up their outfield (I hear Clara asking her question again...). Dusty would be a terrific addition. He is fundamentally sound, plays the game the right way, trusts rookies explicitly, and, under no circumstances, does he tolerate walks. The Sox would have to thank their lucky star if GM Roland Hemond is able to pull off a little magic and acquire Baker. Unfortunately, San Fran Manager Frank Robinson claims that Dusty Baker will be harder to get than a Cabbage Patch Doll at holiday time.
* Congratulations to newly crowned Miss America Vanessa Williams. May her reign be long and controversy free.
* Those of you who collect baseball cards will be equally jealous of me and excited for me! Yesterday, against all odds, I finally talked Jeff Hoffman into trading me a Fernando Velenzuela and a Darryl Strawberry (hint to city of New York...want to solve the homeless problem? At least six families of eight can fit in each of Straw's nostrils) for a Cal Ripken. Sucker! Ripken is long overdue for an injury (that guy has played something like 340 straight games!?!) and Fernando promises to have the shelf life of a box of twinkies. Like parachute pants and the new sitcom Punky Brewster you know he is here to stay (unfortunately, I'm not quite as optimistic about fellow new sitcom The Cosby Show). Strawberry? The next Willie Mays, I say. After pulling off that trade, I celebrated by doing the Worm and headspins while listening to Ollie and Jerry's "Breakin'...There's No Stopping Us" all night long (all night). I even did a little dancing in the dark.
* The NBA draft is only a few weeks away, and I am already concerned. Houston picks first and is sure to take Akeem Olajuwon (who seems to be missing a letter in his name. Hmmmm...). The key is the second pick to be made by Portland immediately preceding the Bulls' pick at #3. Reportedly, the Blazers are choosing between North Carolina wing Mike Jordan and Kentucky bug man Sam Bowie. Tonight, before we sit down to play Pac-Man or Pitfall on Atari (hey, it's a hard habit to break), let's all agree to say a quick prayer that Portland selects Jordan.
The Bulls already have good guards. I mean how much better can Jordan be than current stalwart Reggie Theus and future all-NBA stud Quentin Dailey? He's a borderline prospect at best. It's not like the guy averaged 20 points in college or anything and, last I checked, the Bulls have no plans to run the four corner offense. The Bulls need a big guy and, hello, Bowie is clearly the pick. Draft Bowie and a championship is in the Bulls' future. Draft Jordan and it's ten more years of mediocrity. Things may get so bad that coach Paul Westhead may find himself out of a job relatively soon, right at the time when we are all reeling over the end of the term for Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah Al-Mustain Billah ibni Almarhum Sultan Sir Abu Bakar Riayatuddin Al-Muadzam Shah as the 7th Yang di-Pertaun Agong of Malaysia.
* Anyone else psyched about this summer's Olympics? I'm so excited, I feel like dancing through town ala Kevin Bacon in Footloose (where's Lori Singer?). No, the commies are not coming, which assures victory after victory after victory for our American heroes. I'm most excited about the basketball games. In case, you have not heard, team USA will be coached by Indiana University's Bob Knight. Of course, the selection of Knight as coach did not come without its share of criticism given his run-in with a police officer in Puerto Rico almost five years ago and his stuffing of an LSU fan into a garbage can at the 1981 Final Four (Knight was convicted in absentia and sentenced to six months in jail and Puerto Rico is still trying to extradite him. Give it up!). Look, in my mind, Knight is an innocent man. Give the guy a break! It's not like he chokes his players.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: Ate Kraft macaroni-and-cheese for dinner because its the cheesiest. Threw tantrum when mom would not let him watch his new favorite show, Webster (mom was watching Fame). Used his toy bat to practice hitting fly balls. Season: Almost five years old. Dreaming of the glamorous life.
* Big Brother isn't really watching me, is he? I mean sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me, but I have a feeling it is just my mom.
That's all. I gotta go watch Silver Spoons. Tonight is the episode when Dexter Stuffins gets a job with Enron and Alfonso's overcomes his dyslexia to win the spelling bee by correctly spelling aibohpphobia. Let's hear it for the boy!
***Today's sports trivia: Who was the Cubs opening day starting pitcher in 1984?
***Today's pop culture trivia: The title of 37 songs from 1984 are hidden in this post. What are they? Do not, however, look for Huey Lewis' "I Want a New Drug" (what exactly was Huey saying?). Crud, make that 38.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Weekend From Hell
Yeah, yeah, yeah...I am obliged to admit that bunting with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and the tying runs on base is normally about as smart as basedealing in a room of New York State troopers, but let's not be too hard on poor Thing Two. Those of you who have spent the last 20 hours ranting and raving about Neifi's "interesting" strategic decision to bunt really have to take a closer look at the big picture. With the Cubs about as likely to get a clutch hit with runners in scoring position as Reuben Studdard is in actually becoming a recording star (they are hitting a paltry .140 with RISP over the last couple of weeks), pehaps bunting was not such a bad idea. The Cubs needed two runs to tie the game and desperately had to figure out a way to get both runners home. Consider, if you will, the alternatives. What is most likely to happen?
a. Neifi gets an extra-base hit scoring both runs (the Cubs finished the game with 12 hits, but only one was for extra bases).
b. Thing Two comes through with a base hit scoring the runner from third and on-deck hitter John Mabry also comes through with a hit to score Einstein Jones with the tying run. Of course, you have to assume that Jones does not get picked off base for this scenario to work; or
c. Neifi bunts the ball and Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero throws the ball wildly past the first baseman allowing Todd Walker to score from third. Running to retrieve the ball, right fielder Marlon (did you know that there are only two "Marlons in the history of baseball and both are currently on the active roster of the Expo Nationals?) Anderson trips on a ball thrown from the right-field bleachers by some drunk 16-year old and then, thinking the play is over, throws the beer soaked ball into the dugout allowing the tying run to score.
So, what is the more likely scenario? Perhaps bunting wasn't such a bad idea, after all, huh?
In fact, the way the Cubs are going, collecting a clutch extra base hit or consecutive hits is less likely than Neifi hitting a gound ball back to the mound at the precise moment that Morganna the Kissing Bandit runs onto the field to plant a smooch on Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero. Upon seeing how grotesqusly ugly poor Cordero is (that guy is so ugly he makes Sam Casell look acceptable...and Cassell looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down), Morganna then runs to tackle first baseman Nick Johnson, causing the Cordero's throw to sail into right field where it is gathered by a crow who carries it to his nest in Des Plaines.
That, my friends, is the current state of the Cubs.
And now we head into the worst weekend of the year...The Crosstown Classic... Cubs vs. Sox. South Side versus North Side. Beverly versus Winnetka. A gleaming new Lexus versus a rusted Ford pickup in the front yard on blocks. I hate this weekend.
First of all, I hate most of the memories that rush back to flood my head. Mike Caruso. Carlos Lee's grand slam. Jose Valentin's walk-off home run off El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca. Kid Corey's drop of Paul Konerko's line drive last year on a sunny Saturday at Wrigley. Oh sure, I can fondly remember Rick Gutierrez's grand slam and the game where Magglio Ordonez's gapper got stuck in the ivy costing the Sox a run, but for every memory of a two-out, game tying home run by Steroid Sammy off then Sox closer Keith Foulke (the Cubs went on to lose the game in 14 innings, anyway, on a base hit by Ray Durham) there is the memory of Mark Grace getting picked off first base by Sean Lowe after Lowe "faked to third, and threw to first." (Nice foreshadowing yesterday, eh?)
Second, I hate the tension and stress of the next three days. For one thing, I don't hate the Sox. In fact most Cubs fans I know are rather apathetic about the pale hose, while most Sox fans live by Grinder Ball Rule #14: A Sox victory is great, but a Cubs loss is the key to happiness. Further, I actually have quite a number of friends who are Sox fans and who don't own a pick-up truck or attack first base coaches and did not get all-excited on World Series Championship replica ring day because they finally had something to give their girlfriends.
Look, Random Thoughts commenter "the wife" is a Sox fan, as is her entire family. RT reader Joe (McCarty) is a Sox fan. I certainly wish no-ill will on such terrific people. Frankly, I just wish that the Cubs were playing the Joliet Jackhammers this weekend (games they may actually be able to win) and the Sox were playing the Detroit Tigers so we can see how good Jim Leyland's team truly is and how much sweating Ozzie and the guys are going to have to do as the summer moves along.
So, what do I expect to happen this weekend? Well, let's start with a basic premise that should be quite disconcerting to Cubs' fans...the game in being played at U.S. Comiskular with the D.H.. Oh brother! The Cubs have enough problems finding eight guys who can at least act like competent hitters and now they have to add a ninth? The Sox have Jim Thome. The Cubs have Neifi the Bunter. Any chance Glenallen Hill can come out of retirement for the weekend?
That said, here are my predictions for this weekend's three games:
Friday: Mark Buehrle versus Greg Maddux: 3:05 pm
Dusty tells every hitter to swing at the first pitch no matter where is it. With quick worker Buehrle on the mound and the Cubs hitting pop-up after pop-up, Maddux manages to make it to his 4:15 tee time at Indian Lakes. Oh yeah, it helps that he is out of the game by the 4th inning after Tail Chaser Anderson hits his second home run of the game (two years ago, Timo Perez got his career highlight by hitting a home run off Mad Dog, today Tail Chaser gets his chance). The Cubs manage only three hits. Pinch Hitter Thing One hits a pop-up that Jermaine Dye loses in the sun and Neifi bunts for singles twice. Aramis does not play due to a slight knee strain. Final: Sox 8, Cubs 0
Saturday: Freddy Garcia versus Rich Hill: 1:20 pm
Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Ball four. Ball five. Ball ten. Ball twenty-seven. Hill gives up nine runs on 12 walks in the first two innings. Thome hits two home runs and Scotty Pods steals six bases. The Cubs manage a single run when Sox shortstop Juan Uribe throws a Garcia sweat-soaked ball into the dugout after thinking the play was over (I'd like to officially announce that the Ronny Cedeno wet ball joke has officially jumped the shark and is being put to rest). Neifi goes 0-4 on four unsucessful bunt attempts. Aramis does not play due to slight back strain. Final: Sox 14, Cubs 1
Sunday: Jose Contreras versus Carlos Zambrano: 2:05 pm
Both pitchers put up zero after zero. The game is scoreless in the top of the 16th inning, when the Cubs score twice on a pinch hit double by Kerry Wood, who breaks both legs sliding into second base. The Cubs announce he will be back sometime in 2009. Carlos Zambrano's pitch count reaches 376 in the bottom of the 16th and Pablo Ozuna hits a walk-off grand slam to give the Sox the win. Neifi goes 0-7 with seven strikouts on third-strike foul bunt attempts. Aramis does not play because of a slight groin strain. Final: Sox 4, Cubs 2.
When does Training Camp start for the Bears, again?
Please post your predictions for the Cubs-Sox games below...
* Quick word about interleague play. I always find it interesting that fans of certain leagues cheer so hard for their league to do well and pay such close attention to their league's interleague play record. News flash. If you are a Cubs fan and you actually believe that the team can turn the season around and make a run for the playoffs (1) please stop drinking the Cubbie blue kool aid and immediately proceed to the psychiatrist section of the Yellow Pages and (2) you really ought to be cheering your butt off for the other league to beat the crap out of the Astros, Reds, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, etc. I would not worry about the Pirates, though.
* Fortunately, considering the doom and gloom I have predicted for the Cubs this weekend, baseball is not the only sport that is going on. The NBA playoffs continue along and three of the four series are quite compelling and are extremely competitive. Perhaps the best series of the bunch has been the Mavericks-Spurs series which heads to Dallas for Game 6 tonight with the Mavericks leading 3-2. Unfortunately for Mark Cuban's team, however, key contributor Jason Terry has been suspended for tonight's game for "punching" Michael Finley in the family jewels. I am not hear to argue for or against Terry's suspension, but I will say that the act was not as bad as it sounds. Terry was really just trying to push Finley off of him but made the mistake of doing it with a clenched fist.
That said, Donny Nelson, the Mavericks General Manager of Vice President of Basketball Operations sounded a little foolish on Mike & Mike this morning when asked his opinion of the act and suspension. To Nelson's credit, he agreed the the suspension had to be levied (the NBA has instituted a strict rule under which anyone who punches another player is automatically suspended), but his reasoning for Terry's reaction was a little curious. Nelson asked "Where does it say that a guy on the floor gives up all his rights to protection?" Excuse me? It's not like Finley was fighting Terry. He didn't have a gun. He wasn't brandishing a knife. Exactly what "protection" did Terry need? The comment seemed a little strange to me.
* Finally, kudos (no, not the granola bar) to Random Thoughts commenter "allhailthechief" for living up to yesterday's trivia challenge. Heck, I have not seen someone live up to a challenge quick as effectively since Daniel LaRusso defeated Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence in at the big tournament** Way to go Jeff!
**Today's pop-culture trivia: Who played Johnny Lawrence's ex-girlfriend and Daniel LaRusso's new squeeze in the movie?
a. Neifi gets an extra-base hit scoring both runs (the Cubs finished the game with 12 hits, but only one was for extra bases).
b. Thing Two comes through with a base hit scoring the runner from third and on-deck hitter John Mabry also comes through with a hit to score Einstein Jones with the tying run. Of course, you have to assume that Jones does not get picked off base for this scenario to work; or
c. Neifi bunts the ball and Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero throws the ball wildly past the first baseman allowing Todd Walker to score from third. Running to retrieve the ball, right fielder Marlon (did you know that there are only two "Marlons in the history of baseball and both are currently on the active roster of the Expo Nationals?) Anderson trips on a ball thrown from the right-field bleachers by some drunk 16-year old and then, thinking the play is over, throws the beer soaked ball into the dugout allowing the tying run to score.
So, what is the more likely scenario? Perhaps bunting wasn't such a bad idea, after all, huh?
In fact, the way the Cubs are going, collecting a clutch extra base hit or consecutive hits is less likely than Neifi hitting a gound ball back to the mound at the precise moment that Morganna the Kissing Bandit runs onto the field to plant a smooch on Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero. Upon seeing how grotesqusly ugly poor Cordero is (that guy is so ugly he makes Sam Casell look acceptable...and Cassell looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down), Morganna then runs to tackle first baseman Nick Johnson, causing the Cordero's throw to sail into right field where it is gathered by a crow who carries it to his nest in Des Plaines.
That, my friends, is the current state of the Cubs.
And now we head into the worst weekend of the year...The Crosstown Classic... Cubs vs. Sox. South Side versus North Side. Beverly versus Winnetka. A gleaming new Lexus versus a rusted Ford pickup in the front yard on blocks. I hate this weekend.
First of all, I hate most of the memories that rush back to flood my head. Mike Caruso. Carlos Lee's grand slam. Jose Valentin's walk-off home run off El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca. Kid Corey's drop of Paul Konerko's line drive last year on a sunny Saturday at Wrigley. Oh sure, I can fondly remember Rick Gutierrez's grand slam and the game where Magglio Ordonez's gapper got stuck in the ivy costing the Sox a run, but for every memory of a two-out, game tying home run by Steroid Sammy off then Sox closer Keith Foulke (the Cubs went on to lose the game in 14 innings, anyway, on a base hit by Ray Durham) there is the memory of Mark Grace getting picked off first base by Sean Lowe after Lowe "faked to third, and threw to first." (Nice foreshadowing yesterday, eh?)
Second, I hate the tension and stress of the next three days. For one thing, I don't hate the Sox. In fact most Cubs fans I know are rather apathetic about the pale hose, while most Sox fans live by Grinder Ball Rule #14: A Sox victory is great, but a Cubs loss is the key to happiness. Further, I actually have quite a number of friends who are Sox fans and who don't own a pick-up truck or attack first base coaches and did not get all-excited on World Series Championship replica ring day because they finally had something to give their girlfriends.
Look, Random Thoughts commenter "the wife" is a Sox fan, as is her entire family. RT reader Joe (McCarty) is a Sox fan. I certainly wish no-ill will on such terrific people. Frankly, I just wish that the Cubs were playing the Joliet Jackhammers this weekend (games they may actually be able to win) and the Sox were playing the Detroit Tigers so we can see how good Jim Leyland's team truly is and how much sweating Ozzie and the guys are going to have to do as the summer moves along.
So, what do I expect to happen this weekend? Well, let's start with a basic premise that should be quite disconcerting to Cubs' fans...the game in being played at U.S. Comiskular with the D.H.. Oh brother! The Cubs have enough problems finding eight guys who can at least act like competent hitters and now they have to add a ninth? The Sox have Jim Thome. The Cubs have Neifi the Bunter. Any chance Glenallen Hill can come out of retirement for the weekend?
That said, here are my predictions for this weekend's three games:
Friday: Mark Buehrle versus Greg Maddux: 3:05 pm
Dusty tells every hitter to swing at the first pitch no matter where is it. With quick worker Buehrle on the mound and the Cubs hitting pop-up after pop-up, Maddux manages to make it to his 4:15 tee time at Indian Lakes. Oh yeah, it helps that he is out of the game by the 4th inning after Tail Chaser Anderson hits his second home run of the game (two years ago, Timo Perez got his career highlight by hitting a home run off Mad Dog, today Tail Chaser gets his chance). The Cubs manage only three hits. Pinch Hitter Thing One hits a pop-up that Jermaine Dye loses in the sun and Neifi bunts for singles twice. Aramis does not play due to a slight knee strain. Final: Sox 8, Cubs 0
Saturday: Freddy Garcia versus Rich Hill: 1:20 pm
Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Ball four. Ball five. Ball ten. Ball twenty-seven. Hill gives up nine runs on 12 walks in the first two innings. Thome hits two home runs and Scotty Pods steals six bases. The Cubs manage a single run when Sox shortstop Juan Uribe throws a Garcia sweat-soaked ball into the dugout after thinking the play was over (I'd like to officially announce that the Ronny Cedeno wet ball joke has officially jumped the shark and is being put to rest). Neifi goes 0-4 on four unsucessful bunt attempts. Aramis does not play due to slight back strain. Final: Sox 14, Cubs 1
Sunday: Jose Contreras versus Carlos Zambrano: 2:05 pm
Both pitchers put up zero after zero. The game is scoreless in the top of the 16th inning, when the Cubs score twice on a pinch hit double by Kerry Wood, who breaks both legs sliding into second base. The Cubs announce he will be back sometime in 2009. Carlos Zambrano's pitch count reaches 376 in the bottom of the 16th and Pablo Ozuna hits a walk-off grand slam to give the Sox the win. Neifi goes 0-7 with seven strikouts on third-strike foul bunt attempts. Aramis does not play because of a slight groin strain. Final: Sox 4, Cubs 2.
When does Training Camp start for the Bears, again?
Please post your predictions for the Cubs-Sox games below...
* Quick word about interleague play. I always find it interesting that fans of certain leagues cheer so hard for their league to do well and pay such close attention to their league's interleague play record. News flash. If you are a Cubs fan and you actually believe that the team can turn the season around and make a run for the playoffs (1) please stop drinking the Cubbie blue kool aid and immediately proceed to the psychiatrist section of the Yellow Pages and (2) you really ought to be cheering your butt off for the other league to beat the crap out of the Astros, Reds, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, etc. I would not worry about the Pirates, though.
* Fortunately, considering the doom and gloom I have predicted for the Cubs this weekend, baseball is not the only sport that is going on. The NBA playoffs continue along and three of the four series are quite compelling and are extremely competitive. Perhaps the best series of the bunch has been the Mavericks-Spurs series which heads to Dallas for Game 6 tonight with the Mavericks leading 3-2. Unfortunately for Mark Cuban's team, however, key contributor Jason Terry has been suspended for tonight's game for "punching" Michael Finley in the family jewels. I am not hear to argue for or against Terry's suspension, but I will say that the act was not as bad as it sounds. Terry was really just trying to push Finley off of him but made the mistake of doing it with a clenched fist.
That said, Donny Nelson, the Mavericks General Manager of Vice President of Basketball Operations sounded a little foolish on Mike & Mike this morning when asked his opinion of the act and suspension. To Nelson's credit, he agreed the the suspension had to be levied (the NBA has instituted a strict rule under which anyone who punches another player is automatically suspended), but his reasoning for Terry's reaction was a little curious. Nelson asked "Where does it say that a guy on the floor gives up all his rights to protection?" Excuse me? It's not like Finley was fighting Terry. He didn't have a gun. He wasn't brandishing a knife. Exactly what "protection" did Terry need? The comment seemed a little strange to me.
* Finally, kudos (no, not the granola bar) to Random Thoughts commenter "allhailthechief" for living up to yesterday's trivia challenge. Heck, I have not seen someone live up to a challenge quick as effectively since Daniel LaRusso defeated Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence in at the big tournament** Way to go Jeff!
**Today's pop-culture trivia: Who played Johnny Lawrence's ex-girlfriend and Daniel LaRusso's new squeeze in the movie?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Shock Value
The unexpected.
It is the cherry on top of the pop culture sundae. Who doesn't enjoy a genuine surprise... a plot twist that leaves you speechless? Discovering that it was Nina who was working against Jack and CTU the entire time and then seeing her shot poor, pathetic Teri. Feeling a chill in the air upon learning that Dr. Malcolm Crowe had, in fact, been dead the entire time. The moment when Bree Van De Kamp, who when then known as Dr. Kimberly Shaw and lived at Melrose Place, pulled off her wig and revealed that wicked scar. The unexpected is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us watching.
The unexpected is also a key ingredient in the world of sports and last night fans around the country were left aghast a number of times. Who could have ever predicted that LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers would steal one in Detroit to take a 3-2 lead on the heavily-favored Pistons? Raise your hand if you predicted that Nomah would drive in his 24th and 25th runs in only his 23rd game of the season for the Dodgers. Who figured that last night Steve Trachsel would become the all-time leader in losses by the score of 1-0? (Ok, that is as obscure as it gets! Win bar bets! Impress your friends! Your imaginary friends!) Who knew that the NHL playoffs were even still going on?
The most unexpected occurrence, however, happened at good ol' 1060 W. Addison. It was the bottom of the 6th inning and the Cubs held a 4-0 lead. Pinch hitting for starting pitcher Sean Marshall, Thing One strolled the plate and whacked a 92-mph fastball high and deep into the night. So high and so deep, in fact, that the ball did not come down until it was nestled safely in the center field basket. Do not adjust your televisions, ladies and gentlemen, Thing One has gone yard.
As he was rounding the bases, he literally looked like a kid who had just learned that ma and pa were taking him to Disney World. I haven't seen anyone quite that happy since the Bradys learned that Mr. Phillips had invited them for a day of frivolity on his boat** (Anyone here been invited on their boss' boat? Better yet, anyone been given a pool table?). As for me, I was so shocked, I half expected Thing Two and the rest of Freddie's teammates to run out and greet him at home plate. (Yes, I was referring to the Cubs as a little league team in yesterday's post. No, I was not suggesting that Henry Blanco might want to set up a meeting with Seattle Sutton).
Could this signal the turnaround that Cubs' fans have so eagerly been hoping for? While it certainly is a good sign, let's not get to carried away. After all, the home run came off of former White Sox quitter/ walkout-pitcher Jon Rauch. I certainly realize that the 6'11 Rauch has been effective this season for the Montreal Puerto Rico Washington Expo Nationals (ERA: 1.82), but if I am Big Jon and I have just given up a long ball to Freddie Bynum, I'm more than a little embarrassed and, frankly, I'm awfully afraid of facing the wrath of Manager Frank Robinson. In fact, I'm strongly considering reliving a little history. Only this time, I'm not stopping until I am safely hidden among the whiskey barrels at my old Kentucky home. Working at Dominoes ain't all that bad.
I suppose I should thank all of you for not reminding Thing One about the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest last night.
* All jokes aside, I am stunned that the Cavaliers beat the Pistons at the Palace last night to take a 3-2 lead in the series. The game was played at Detroit's pace, but poor shooting and worst decision making did in the number one seed. You can bet that Motown-natives and Piston fans Kid Rock and Eminem are not feeling too joyous today. I imagine that they are feeling as low as Cindy did when the doctor told her that she had to have her tonsils out and may not be able to go on the boat. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)
Perhaps membership in the Einstein Jones - Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. "I'm with stupid" club is in order for Piston MVP-candidate Chauncey Billups who intentionally committed his sixth and final foul with more than two minutes to go. Billups was attempting to stop a Cleveland fast-break (normally a novel cause), but the Pistons were only down 83-81 at the time and the on-floor presence of their best shooter and top clutch player was much more important than potentially giving up a measley two points. Dumb move, Chauncey. Now try not to get picked off second base.
The Pistons still had a chance to win the game, thanks in large part to one of the most idiotic rules in sports. Despite two missed free throws by overrated Ben Wallace (0-7 from the line in the game. Geez, even Shaq makes one occasionally. Heck, even Ollie made one and he was shooting underhanded), Detroit had the ball with under ten seconds to go in the game, down two points. Piston guard Lindsey Hunter (who was in the game for Billups) took a shot to tie the game (this is akin to having Will Perdue take a last second jumper instead of Michael Jordan), only to have the rebound batted down the court by Cavalier guard Eric Snow. Hunter hustled after the ball, gathered it in on the other end of the court with 1.7 seconds left on the clock, and called an immediate time-out. Game over, right? I mean, unless you are the 1992 Dick Vitale University Blue Devils, you are not going to be able to go the length of the court and score with so little time remaining on the clock.
Of course, thanks to the ridiculous NBA rule that a team can advance the ball after calling time out, the Pistons got the ball at midcourt. I really do not understand this rule at all. When a football team is in the two-minute drill and calls time-out, they don't get to advance the ball 25 yards up the field for the next play. A face-off is not automatically held in the offensive zone of the team that stops the clock (that's hockey, h-o-c-k-e-y. Like jockey, but with an 'h'). Last I checked, a basketball court is 94 feet long. Why 47 feet are often ignored makes less sense than Dr. Evil's reliance on mutated sea bass instead of just shooting Austin Powers. Yes, I know that they were ill-tempered and I know that he originally asked for sharks with laser beams on their heads, but, you know what? Son Scott was right.
* Speaking of things that make no sense... Can someone please explain the logic behind the the "fake to third, throw to first?" I've only seen it work once in my entire baseball watching career, and that is likely because Mark Grace was sneaking in a smoke and scanning the first base stands looking for his next conquest. Yet, pitchers continue to try the move over and over. Why? Even if the pitcher throws the ball to third, the runner should not be going to second base. I suppose that the pitcher is hoping that the runner will take a giant secondary-lead in hopes that the ball will get away from the third baseman, but how many players can possibly be that stupid?
I'm thinking the exact same thing. Let's agree to let it go.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: 0-4 with five runners left on base. Laughed at the idiocy of former White Sox utility man Willie Harris, who represented the tying run in a 6-5 game, for getting thrown out trying to steal second base with two outs in the ninth. Fellow-Oriole LaTroy Hawkins reminded him about his stupidity in refusing to take pitches during his time with the Cubs. Kid Corey reminded LaTroy about Victor Diaz. Hawkins recalled Patterson's steadfast refusal to make adjustments. Corey told Hawkins that he sucked. Kid Corey hit LaTroy with his purse. LaTroy threw his makeup case at Corey. They argued about their favorite character on Sex in the City. Season: .250-4-16; 10 sb. Uh oh... 1-16 in his last four games.
* Yesterday, I mentioned Comcast's big "hit" show "Softball 360." Apparently tired on non-stop World Series of Poker programming and not quite daring enough to start covering intramural sports at Northwestern (where anything can happen), ESPN2 has recently been broadcasting something called the "Viking Games." Well, sign me up!
What a huge disappointment! Mewelde Moore was absolutely nowhere to be seen! Where is the hard cider chugging contest? Where is the most Daunte Culppeper memorial most-consecutive lap dances without having to make a trip to the bathroom challenge? Where is the Onterrio Smith Whizzenator competition? In know ESPN2 prides itself as a family network and the "Viking Games" cannot be shown as they would if they were on Skin-a-max, but I saw nary an uncovered navel, let alone what I expected and what was reported by the media. Just a bunch of Asians running around chopping logs. Sheesh, the games didn't even take place on a boat...
* First the women's lacrosse team was involved in the White House "flip-flop fiasco." Next, we had the abhorrent, terrible, unacceptable hazing incident during which women soccer players were photographed drinking (the horror!) and making out with one another (what a travesty...disgusting...horrendous! Hey, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" is reading this. Go to www.dansrandomsportsthoughtsthathedoesnotwantpattytoknowabout.com for my real feelings), and now we have the story that Northwestern was forced to discipline a number of students who dressed in the University's Willie the Wildcat mascot costume for hazing new Willie candidates. Now, the seedy culture at NU is really becoming evident...
Think Gunston would stand for this? Apparently, new candidates were "kidnapped" by the experienced Willie the Wildcats (think the movie "Old School"). The upperclass students who were charged with the shenanigans had their cat nip taken away, were forced to eat only dry cat food for two weeks and were forced to watch Garfield The Movie until they simply could not take it anymore.
Geez, all we had at IU was porn movies.
Have a nice day. The U.S. Paintball Championships come on the deuce at midnight.
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for everyone who did not rip the Random Thoughts for producing an easy trivia question yesterday (in other words everyone who does not go my the moniker "allhailthechief"): What did Carol Brady call Mr. Phillips' boat?
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for "allhailthechief" (who is dreadfully sick of all the easy, run-of-the-mill trivia and needs to be challenged): Mr. Phillips was played by actor Jack Collins who was also in a laundry list of 60's, 70's and 80's television shows and made-for-TV movies (including "I Was a Mail Order Bride," CHiPs, and Chico and the Man). What was the name of Jack's third-grade teacher and what grade did he get in penmanship that year?
You want a challenge, you got a challenge...
It is the cherry on top of the pop culture sundae. Who doesn't enjoy a genuine surprise... a plot twist that leaves you speechless? Discovering that it was Nina who was working against Jack and CTU the entire time and then seeing her shot poor, pathetic Teri. Feeling a chill in the air upon learning that Dr. Malcolm Crowe had, in fact, been dead the entire time. The moment when Bree Van De Kamp, who when then known as Dr. Kimberly Shaw and lived at Melrose Place, pulled off her wig and revealed that wicked scar. The unexpected is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us watching.
The unexpected is also a key ingredient in the world of sports and last night fans around the country were left aghast a number of times. Who could have ever predicted that LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers would steal one in Detroit to take a 3-2 lead on the heavily-favored Pistons? Raise your hand if you predicted that Nomah would drive in his 24th and 25th runs in only his 23rd game of the season for the Dodgers. Who figured that last night Steve Trachsel would become the all-time leader in losses by the score of 1-0? (Ok, that is as obscure as it gets! Win bar bets! Impress your friends! Your imaginary friends!) Who knew that the NHL playoffs were even still going on?
The most unexpected occurrence, however, happened at good ol' 1060 W. Addison. It was the bottom of the 6th inning and the Cubs held a 4-0 lead. Pinch hitting for starting pitcher Sean Marshall, Thing One strolled the plate and whacked a 92-mph fastball high and deep into the night. So high and so deep, in fact, that the ball did not come down until it was nestled safely in the center field basket. Do not adjust your televisions, ladies and gentlemen, Thing One has gone yard.
As he was rounding the bases, he literally looked like a kid who had just learned that ma and pa were taking him to Disney World. I haven't seen anyone quite that happy since the Bradys learned that Mr. Phillips had invited them for a day of frivolity on his boat** (Anyone here been invited on their boss' boat? Better yet, anyone been given a pool table?). As for me, I was so shocked, I half expected Thing Two and the rest of Freddie's teammates to run out and greet him at home plate. (Yes, I was referring to the Cubs as a little league team in yesterday's post. No, I was not suggesting that Henry Blanco might want to set up a meeting with Seattle Sutton).
Could this signal the turnaround that Cubs' fans have so eagerly been hoping for? While it certainly is a good sign, let's not get to carried away. After all, the home run came off of former White Sox quitter/ walkout-pitcher Jon Rauch. I certainly realize that the 6'11 Rauch has been effective this season for the Montreal Puerto Rico Washington Expo Nationals (ERA: 1.82), but if I am Big Jon and I have just given up a long ball to Freddie Bynum, I'm more than a little embarrassed and, frankly, I'm awfully afraid of facing the wrath of Manager Frank Robinson. In fact, I'm strongly considering reliving a little history. Only this time, I'm not stopping until I am safely hidden among the whiskey barrels at my old Kentucky home. Working at Dominoes ain't all that bad.
I suppose I should thank all of you for not reminding Thing One about the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest last night.
* All jokes aside, I am stunned that the Cavaliers beat the Pistons at the Palace last night to take a 3-2 lead in the series. The game was played at Detroit's pace, but poor shooting and worst decision making did in the number one seed. You can bet that Motown-natives and Piston fans Kid Rock and Eminem are not feeling too joyous today. I imagine that they are feeling as low as Cindy did when the doctor told her that she had to have her tonsils out and may not be able to go on the boat. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)
Perhaps membership in the Einstein Jones - Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. "I'm with stupid" club is in order for Piston MVP-candidate Chauncey Billups who intentionally committed his sixth and final foul with more than two minutes to go. Billups was attempting to stop a Cleveland fast-break (normally a novel cause), but the Pistons were only down 83-81 at the time and the on-floor presence of their best shooter and top clutch player was much more important than potentially giving up a measley two points. Dumb move, Chauncey. Now try not to get picked off second base.
The Pistons still had a chance to win the game, thanks in large part to one of the most idiotic rules in sports. Despite two missed free throws by overrated Ben Wallace (0-7 from the line in the game. Geez, even Shaq makes one occasionally. Heck, even Ollie made one and he was shooting underhanded), Detroit had the ball with under ten seconds to go in the game, down two points. Piston guard Lindsey Hunter (who was in the game for Billups) took a shot to tie the game (this is akin to having Will Perdue take a last second jumper instead of Michael Jordan), only to have the rebound batted down the court by Cavalier guard Eric Snow. Hunter hustled after the ball, gathered it in on the other end of the court with 1.7 seconds left on the clock, and called an immediate time-out. Game over, right? I mean, unless you are the 1992 Dick Vitale University Blue Devils, you are not going to be able to go the length of the court and score with so little time remaining on the clock.
Of course, thanks to the ridiculous NBA rule that a team can advance the ball after calling time out, the Pistons got the ball at midcourt. I really do not understand this rule at all. When a football team is in the two-minute drill and calls time-out, they don't get to advance the ball 25 yards up the field for the next play. A face-off is not automatically held in the offensive zone of the team that stops the clock (that's hockey, h-o-c-k-e-y. Like jockey, but with an 'h'). Last I checked, a basketball court is 94 feet long. Why 47 feet are often ignored makes less sense than Dr. Evil's reliance on mutated sea bass instead of just shooting Austin Powers. Yes, I know that they were ill-tempered and I know that he originally asked for sharks with laser beams on their heads, but, you know what? Son Scott was right.
* Speaking of things that make no sense... Can someone please explain the logic behind the the "fake to third, throw to first?" I've only seen it work once in my entire baseball watching career, and that is likely because Mark Grace was sneaking in a smoke and scanning the first base stands looking for his next conquest. Yet, pitchers continue to try the move over and over. Why? Even if the pitcher throws the ball to third, the runner should not be going to second base. I suppose that the pitcher is hoping that the runner will take a giant secondary-lead in hopes that the ball will get away from the third baseman, but how many players can possibly be that stupid?
I'm thinking the exact same thing. Let's agree to let it go.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: 0-4 with five runners left on base. Laughed at the idiocy of former White Sox utility man Willie Harris, who represented the tying run in a 6-5 game, for getting thrown out trying to steal second base with two outs in the ninth. Fellow-Oriole LaTroy Hawkins reminded him about his stupidity in refusing to take pitches during his time with the Cubs. Kid Corey reminded LaTroy about Victor Diaz. Hawkins recalled Patterson's steadfast refusal to make adjustments. Corey told Hawkins that he sucked. Kid Corey hit LaTroy with his purse. LaTroy threw his makeup case at Corey. They argued about their favorite character on Sex in the City. Season: .250-4-16; 10 sb. Uh oh... 1-16 in his last four games.
* Yesterday, I mentioned Comcast's big "hit" show "Softball 360." Apparently tired on non-stop World Series of Poker programming and not quite daring enough to start covering intramural sports at Northwestern (where anything can happen), ESPN2 has recently been broadcasting something called the "Viking Games." Well, sign me up!
What a huge disappointment! Mewelde Moore was absolutely nowhere to be seen! Where is the hard cider chugging contest? Where is the most Daunte Culppeper memorial most-consecutive lap dances without having to make a trip to the bathroom challenge? Where is the Onterrio Smith Whizzenator competition? In know ESPN2 prides itself as a family network and the "Viking Games" cannot be shown as they would if they were on Skin-a-max, but I saw nary an uncovered navel, let alone what I expected and what was reported by the media. Just a bunch of Asians running around chopping logs. Sheesh, the games didn't even take place on a boat...
* First the women's lacrosse team was involved in the White House "flip-flop fiasco." Next, we had the abhorrent, terrible, unacceptable hazing incident during which women soccer players were photographed drinking (the horror!) and making out with one another (what a travesty...disgusting...horrendous! Hey, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" is reading this. Go to www.dansrandomsportsthoughtsthathedoesnotwantpattytoknowabout.com for my real feelings), and now we have the story that Northwestern was forced to discipline a number of students who dressed in the University's Willie the Wildcat mascot costume for hazing new Willie candidates. Now, the seedy culture at NU is really becoming evident...
Think Gunston would stand for this? Apparently, new candidates were "kidnapped" by the experienced Willie the Wildcats (think the movie "Old School"). The upperclass students who were charged with the shenanigans had their cat nip taken away, were forced to eat only dry cat food for two weeks and were forced to watch Garfield The Movie until they simply could not take it anymore.
Geez, all we had at IU was porn movies.
Have a nice day. The U.S. Paintball Championships come on the deuce at midnight.
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for everyone who did not rip the Random Thoughts for producing an easy trivia question yesterday (in other words everyone who does not go my the moniker "allhailthechief"): What did Carol Brady call Mr. Phillips' boat?
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for "allhailthechief" (who is dreadfully sick of all the easy, run-of-the-mill trivia and needs to be challenged): Mr. Phillips was played by actor Jack Collins who was also in a laundry list of 60's, 70's and 80's television shows and made-for-TV movies (including "I Was a Mail Order Bride," CHiPs, and Chico and the Man). What was the name of Jack's third-grade teacher and what grade did he get in penmanship that year?
You want a challenge, you got a challenge...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Go Shamrox! Kick the Guinness Out Of Em'!
Wow. In my weeklong absence I have missed quite a lot (and I mean, a lot!). Let's take a trip around the always-wonderful world of sports...
* The Cubs lost...and lost...and lost...and lost..and lost. Must be the fact that Todd Walker is still poisoning the clubhouse, eh Hendry?
* While I certainly was as happy as anyone to head up to the attic last night to drag the "W" flag out from behind my Olmec Indian head statue of Xt'Tapalatakettle, my box of "Ayotollah Assahollah" t-shirts and my 80's collection of Poison and Ratt records, I'm not quite ready to suggest that Wrigley Field vendors stop selling Prozac and Zoloft.
* Prozac? Zoloft? Maalox? Barf bags? Einstein Jones voodoo dolls? Kerry Wood "next-injury countdown clocks?" Sheesh, looks like the Cubs either better build larger souvenier stands or start giving away all those leftover Steroid Sammy, Kid Corey and Nomah jerseys.
* While you're at it, you might want to start marking down all those Juan Pierre jerseys as well.
* The first week of the season, I commented that the aforementioned Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey come July 31. I, now must admit that,alas, I am likely wrong. Who in the heck is going to trade for a leadoff hitter with a sub-.300 on-base percentage? Maybe Isiah Thomas needs a new pointguard.
* I think I owe Scotty pods an apology. A major apology.
* Briggs & Stratton is currently holding a contest where the winner gets $20,000 to improve the condition of their local youth baseball field and an on-field clinic with Hall of Famers Carlton Fisk and Lou Brock. Little leaguers were asked to write essays and the company has announced the selection of 16 finalists. The company has also announced a last-place winner. Poor Henry Hickson of Shelbyville, Kentucky was deemed the dumbest kid in America when he suggested that Angel Guzman will win the NL Rookie of the Year and will be rewarded / punished by receiving an on-field baserunning clinic with Einstein Jones.
* Dusty may want to protect the Cubs' right fielder, but he will get no sympathy from the Random Thoughts. He is an idiot. An i-d-i-o-t. Make that an I-D-I-O-T. He makes Moises Alou look like Tim Raines on the basepaths.
* Heck, he makes Clay Aiken look like Brad Pitt and Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Thomas look like Kelly Ripa. Yes, he is that bad.
* So, the Cubs got swept by the Padres at Wrigley last weekend. Think the losses were the worst thing about the weekend? Did you forget about the seemingly non-stop rain? You try having your post-game sit-down meeting in the wet grass.
* Not to mention the fact that Henry Blanco forgot to bring the big jug of water and the ice-cream shop was out of Rocky Road after the game.
* The way they are playing, shouldn't this team be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds**?
* I'm still waiting for the Cubs to announce their next promotion...Ronny Cedeno wet ball day.
* Can someone please tell me what Thing One is still doing on the active roster? I mean...really.
* Anyone else say a prayer that Jae Kuk Ryu is not Korean for base-on-ball?
* Anyone else notice that the red-hot Tigers are tied with the White Sox atop the A.L. Central? When did Al Kaline, Lance Parrish and Lou Whitaker come out of retirement? I share a birthday with Sweet Lou, by the way. Yogi Berra, Moises' dad, Jim from American Pie, Tootie and Billy Squier, too. No "Stroke" jokes allowed...
* Weird Stat of the day: Tigers' slugger Chris Shelton hit nine home runs in his first 13 games this year, but has only two in his last 25. So that's why we had never heard of him before. Don't worry Chris, your three-game series with the north siders is only a month away.
* Rumor has it that the Knicks are planning on paying coach Larry Brown upwards of $40 million to just go away (Brown making $40 million for the New York fiasco is on par with Nicole Kidman raking in $17.5 million for Bewitched) Further rumor has it that the Golden State Warriors are interested in Brown as their next head coach. Golden State? How about the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Note to Coach Brown on behalf of not just the NBA, but all of civilized society. In the words of Motley Crue...don't go away mad, just go away.
* Who does Isiah Thomas have pictures of, anyway?
* Charles Barkley renamed "Gamblor?" So, it shall be done.
* Corey-o-Meter: Has settled in nicely with the O's, hitting a modest .261 with four dingers, 16 RBI and 10 stolen bases. Is also wondering what Thing One is doing on the Cubs' active roster.
* For more than 20 years, Blackhawks fans have been comforted by the voice of announcer Pat Foley on both the television and radio broadcast (trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, calls the third period of a 7-1 loss better than Foley). In continuing its uninterrupted string of undeniably forward-thinking and wise decisions, the Hawks have now announced that there will be a two sets of announcers for next year's games...one for TV and one for radio and Foley has already been ruled out as the television voice of the team. Excuse me? Sure, take away the only reason to watch Hawks games. What's next? Is the team going to trade Jeremy Roenick for an overrated Russian figure skater? Trade young star Jean Pierre Dumont for a bag of pucks and a Beta copy of Slap Shot 2? Stop televising home games on TV?
* Never mind.
* The only explanation that I can think of is that Darrin Jackson must be looking for something to do during the long, cold winter.
* I know that the Hawks are about as popular as the Chicago Shamrox in this town (although slightly more so than Dusty Baker), but shouldn't the Wirtz clan be trying to hold on to the remaining 31 fans? This is precisely the type of move that is likely to alienate everyone not named Toukanov or married to Dustin Byfuglien (no, I did not make that up). Unless Harry Doyle is taking over in the booth, bad move. Bad, bad move.
* Sixty-five points? That's all the Blackhawks got is sixty-five g-ddamned points?
* Who are the Chicago Shamrox, you ask? Why the brand-spanking new professional lacrosse team, of course. Joining, among others, the Calgary Roughnecks, the Colorado Mammouth, the Portland Lumberjax, and the San Jose Stealth in the 20-year old National Lacrosse League, the Shamrox will be based in Hoffman Estates. The N.L.L. also announced that all team parties will be videotaped and archived and that Diamonds gentlemen's club is strictly off-limits.
* Just when I am about to comment that Comcast really needs to shore up its non-baseball programming, the Northwestern women's soccer hazing story breaks. What a huge break for Comcast's anchor program "Softball 360." That's right, an entire half-hour dedicated to non-stop softball fun. A piece on Jennie Finch and her favorite restaurants in Lisle. An expose on the lard-ass, pinch runner rule, first mentioned by Random Thoughts commenter "cub fan kev." A discussion of Mr. Burns' controversial decision to pinch hit for Darryl Strawberry with the bases loaded. And now, a chance to cover all angles of Wildcat Soccergate (yes, Bearister, I intentionally chose the suffix "gate" for you). XFL-esque ratings here we come!!!
* Perhaps that one Northwestern coed, pictured making out with a teammate, should adopt the nickname "She Love Me."
* Female soccer players making out with other female soccer players. The XFL. Huh. That gives me an idea. Anyone have Vince McMahon's phone number?
* Finally, (because we just don't cover softball quite enough in the Random Thoughts), every March, college basketball teams dream of going to the Big Dance. Perhaps the girls on the Boone Grove (IN) varsity softball team do not realize that it is actually a metaphor for the NCAA Tournament. After upsetting regional favorite South Central in the state semi-finals, the girls of Boone Grove forfeited the championship because they wanted to go home to get ready for the Prom.
Quick, somebody tell Thing One that El DeBarge is hosting a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest tonight.
**Pop Culture Trivia: Which "famous" baseball team was sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds?
***Last week's trivia: OrangeWhip was extremely close...George Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a "Fat, pussy toad."
* The Cubs lost...and lost...and lost...and lost..and lost. Must be the fact that Todd Walker is still poisoning the clubhouse, eh Hendry?
* While I certainly was as happy as anyone to head up to the attic last night to drag the "W" flag out from behind my Olmec Indian head statue of Xt'Tapalatakettle, my box of "Ayotollah Assahollah" t-shirts and my 80's collection of Poison and Ratt records, I'm not quite ready to suggest that Wrigley Field vendors stop selling Prozac and Zoloft.
* Prozac? Zoloft? Maalox? Barf bags? Einstein Jones voodoo dolls? Kerry Wood "next-injury countdown clocks?" Sheesh, looks like the Cubs either better build larger souvenier stands or start giving away all those leftover Steroid Sammy, Kid Corey and Nomah jerseys.
* While you're at it, you might want to start marking down all those Juan Pierre jerseys as well.
* The first week of the season, I commented that the aforementioned Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey come July 31. I, now must admit that,alas, I am likely wrong. Who in the heck is going to trade for a leadoff hitter with a sub-.300 on-base percentage? Maybe Isiah Thomas needs a new pointguard.
* I think I owe Scotty pods an apology. A major apology.
* Briggs & Stratton is currently holding a contest where the winner gets $20,000 to improve the condition of their local youth baseball field and an on-field clinic with Hall of Famers Carlton Fisk and Lou Brock. Little leaguers were asked to write essays and the company has announced the selection of 16 finalists. The company has also announced a last-place winner. Poor Henry Hickson of Shelbyville, Kentucky was deemed the dumbest kid in America when he suggested that Angel Guzman will win the NL Rookie of the Year and will be rewarded / punished by receiving an on-field baserunning clinic with Einstein Jones.
* Dusty may want to protect the Cubs' right fielder, but he will get no sympathy from the Random Thoughts. He is an idiot. An i-d-i-o-t. Make that an I-D-I-O-T. He makes Moises Alou look like Tim Raines on the basepaths.
* Heck, he makes Clay Aiken look like Brad Pitt and Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Thomas look like Kelly Ripa. Yes, he is that bad.
* So, the Cubs got swept by the Padres at Wrigley last weekend. Think the losses were the worst thing about the weekend? Did you forget about the seemingly non-stop rain? You try having your post-game sit-down meeting in the wet grass.
* Not to mention the fact that Henry Blanco forgot to bring the big jug of water and the ice-cream shop was out of Rocky Road after the game.
* The way they are playing, shouldn't this team be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds**?
* I'm still waiting for the Cubs to announce their next promotion...Ronny Cedeno wet ball day.
* Can someone please tell me what Thing One is still doing on the active roster? I mean...really.
* Anyone else say a prayer that Jae Kuk Ryu is not Korean for base-on-ball?
* Anyone else notice that the red-hot Tigers are tied with the White Sox atop the A.L. Central? When did Al Kaline, Lance Parrish and Lou Whitaker come out of retirement? I share a birthday with Sweet Lou, by the way. Yogi Berra, Moises' dad, Jim from American Pie, Tootie and Billy Squier, too. No "Stroke" jokes allowed...
* Weird Stat of the day: Tigers' slugger Chris Shelton hit nine home runs in his first 13 games this year, but has only two in his last 25. So that's why we had never heard of him before. Don't worry Chris, your three-game series with the north siders is only a month away.
* Rumor has it that the Knicks are planning on paying coach Larry Brown upwards of $40 million to just go away (Brown making $40 million for the New York fiasco is on par with Nicole Kidman raking in $17.5 million for Bewitched) Further rumor has it that the Golden State Warriors are interested in Brown as their next head coach. Golden State? How about the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Note to Coach Brown on behalf of not just the NBA, but all of civilized society. In the words of Motley Crue...don't go away mad, just go away.
* Who does Isiah Thomas have pictures of, anyway?
* Charles Barkley renamed "Gamblor?" So, it shall be done.
* Corey-o-Meter: Has settled in nicely with the O's, hitting a modest .261 with four dingers, 16 RBI and 10 stolen bases. Is also wondering what Thing One is doing on the Cubs' active roster.
* For more than 20 years, Blackhawks fans have been comforted by the voice of announcer Pat Foley on both the television and radio broadcast (trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, calls the third period of a 7-1 loss better than Foley). In continuing its uninterrupted string of undeniably forward-thinking and wise decisions, the Hawks have now announced that there will be a two sets of announcers for next year's games...one for TV and one for radio and Foley has already been ruled out as the television voice of the team. Excuse me? Sure, take away the only reason to watch Hawks games. What's next? Is the team going to trade Jeremy Roenick for an overrated Russian figure skater? Trade young star Jean Pierre Dumont for a bag of pucks and a Beta copy of Slap Shot 2? Stop televising home games on TV?
* Never mind.
* The only explanation that I can think of is that Darrin Jackson must be looking for something to do during the long, cold winter.
* I know that the Hawks are about as popular as the Chicago Shamrox in this town (although slightly more so than Dusty Baker), but shouldn't the Wirtz clan be trying to hold on to the remaining 31 fans? This is precisely the type of move that is likely to alienate everyone not named Toukanov or married to Dustin Byfuglien (no, I did not make that up). Unless Harry Doyle is taking over in the booth, bad move. Bad, bad move.
* Sixty-five points? That's all the Blackhawks got is sixty-five g-ddamned points?
* Who are the Chicago Shamrox, you ask? Why the brand-spanking new professional lacrosse team, of course. Joining, among others, the Calgary Roughnecks, the Colorado Mammouth, the Portland Lumberjax, and the San Jose Stealth in the 20-year old National Lacrosse League, the Shamrox will be based in Hoffman Estates. The N.L.L. also announced that all team parties will be videotaped and archived and that Diamonds gentlemen's club is strictly off-limits.
* Just when I am about to comment that Comcast really needs to shore up its non-baseball programming, the Northwestern women's soccer hazing story breaks. What a huge break for Comcast's anchor program "Softball 360." That's right, an entire half-hour dedicated to non-stop softball fun. A piece on Jennie Finch and her favorite restaurants in Lisle. An expose on the lard-ass, pinch runner rule, first mentioned by Random Thoughts commenter "cub fan kev." A discussion of Mr. Burns' controversial decision to pinch hit for Darryl Strawberry with the bases loaded. And now, a chance to cover all angles of Wildcat Soccergate (yes, Bearister, I intentionally chose the suffix "gate" for you). XFL-esque ratings here we come!!!
* Perhaps that one Northwestern coed, pictured making out with a teammate, should adopt the nickname "She Love Me."
* Female soccer players making out with other female soccer players. The XFL. Huh. That gives me an idea. Anyone have Vince McMahon's phone number?
* Finally, (because we just don't cover softball quite enough in the Random Thoughts), every March, college basketball teams dream of going to the Big Dance. Perhaps the girls on the Boone Grove (IN) varsity softball team do not realize that it is actually a metaphor for the NCAA Tournament. After upsetting regional favorite South Central in the state semi-finals, the girls of Boone Grove forfeited the championship because they wanted to go home to get ready for the Prom.
Quick, somebody tell Thing One that El DeBarge is hosting a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest tonight.
**Pop Culture Trivia: Which "famous" baseball team was sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds?
***Last week's trivia: OrangeWhip was extremely close...George Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a "Fat, pussy toad."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
The Waiting Is the Hardest Part...
I sincerely apologize for my lack of posting lately. My travels have put me behind the eight ball at work and I simply don't have the time right now to write something creative. Frankly, I don't have the time to write something cognizant (go ahead...fire away cubfankev!!!)
I appreciate everyone's continued support and I sincerely hope that you will continue checking the Random Thoughts!
I hope to be back "on line" either tomorrow or Thursday...
I appreciate everyone's continued support and I sincerely hope that you will continue checking the Random Thoughts!
I hope to be back "on line" either tomorrow or Thursday...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Walk of Life
A letter:
"Dear Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]:
Okay, I'll admit that I have not played competitive baseball since Eric Maloney took me deep when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I still ask that you consider me for one of the Cubs' five starting pitching slots or for a spot in the team's bullpen. I am positive that I can (and will) throw the ball over the plate on a consistent basis. Sure, I'll give up home runs (heck, some guy may even win a free steak for hitting the bull) and, sure, I'll likely get torched for unlimited runs, but at least Cubs' fans will not have to watch another guy drop his bat and trot down to first with a walk.
Will sign for league minimum, an autographed photo of Mickey Morandini, and unlimited frosty malts.
Sincerely,
Dan Wagner
"cudjoekey"
Look, I hate walks. I despise them. Frankly, it's come to the point where I would rather watch another very special episode of "Reba" than watch another Cub pitcher give yet another free pass to a guy who is barely hitting his weight on the season (Hey, Novoa, it's frickin' Adrian Gonzalez. It ain't Mickey Mantle).
This should come as absolutely no surprise to any of you. After all, it is certainly not the first time that I have mentioned my disdain for the base-on-balls in the Random Thoughts (with the Cubs, walks really should be referred to as bases-on-balls, since, with this team, you can bet your last buffalo nickel that he who receives the free pass will eventually circle the bases and score). Walks are ultimately right up there on my "favorite things list" with brussel sprouts, Michael Bolton records and shoving razor blades in my ears.
Yet, for whatever reason, the Cubs cannot seem to find more than a couple of pitchers who can find the plate on a consistent basis. Jerome Williams and David "AA"rdsma have aleady been exiled to the minors, but Gopherball Glendon, Big Z, Novoa, Scott Williamson, and Angel Guzman all largely have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. Heck, even Scott Eyre, who has arguably been the Cubs best pitcher this year (statistically speaking: 1.65 ERA, 17 K) has walked an (in my mind) unacceptable 10 hitters in 16 innings.
I just don't understand it. Why do Cubs' pitchers have so much dang trouble throwing strikes? And perhaps the most underrated aspect of the game is the art of getting ahead in the count. Generally speaking, once a pitcher gets behind 2-0 or 3-1 in the count, he is going to get hit hard. Very hard. Even the great and all-powerful Khalil Greene will be mistaken for Willie Mays when he is swinging at an unlimited supply of 3-1 meatballs. Heck, even Thing One may actually make a little contact when ahead in the count (but, naturally, pop up to the second baseman).
So who is to blame? Dusty? The pitchers themselves? Pitching coach Larry Rothschild? Some stupid curse? I don't truly know the answer, but I do know that there are an awful lot of ex-Cubs having an awful lot of success in their new homes this year. I've gone through the names before...Cruz, Koronka, The Farns, Gordon. Heck, even Todd Wellemeyer suddenly has his ERA down to 3.21!
In the past, I was never one to give much credit to a pitching coach (or place much blame on one), but the facts are the facts. For the last couple of years, the Cubs' staff has issued walks and gotten behind hitters at an alarming pace. Injuries to the staff have been plentiful and debilitating. Meanwhile, one only has to look to the South Side to find a true success story. Think Jon Garland just woke up one day and suddenly understood how to pitch? How about Javier Vazquez's present-year resurrection? And how about Jose Contreras? For those of you who are not familiar with the history around Jose's arrival in America. After wowing scouts while pitching for the Cuban national team, Jose was the subject of a bitter bidding war between the Red Sox and Yankees. After failing miserably in New York, he was dealt to Chicago where he has been largely unhittable over the last couple of months of play. Think Cooper had nothing to do with it? I suggest that you think again.
At this point, Cooper may even be able to resurrect Hideki Irabu's career... ***
And, as long as we are criticizing the pitching coach, how about a little love for the hitting coach as well? Ahh yes, good old Gene Clines. I remember getting his baseball card in 1978. I'd open a pack, crack a couple of teeth on the stick of gum, curse the fact that I can't read Johnny Bench's stats because of the stupid mark that the gum left on the back of the card, and separate my cards in piles according to how good the player was. I had my stack of superstars that included Billy Buck, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and George Foster. I had my stack of mediocre players that included Bake McBride, Davey Lopes and Chet Lemon. And I had my stack of who-gives-a-crap players that included Stephen Hawking Hairston Sr, Rennie Stennent and, yes, Gene frickin' Clines!
Clines is a lifetime .277 hitter with 5, count em' 5, career home runs. Yes, I know Charley Lau was one of the most famous hitting coaches of all time despite a shocking lack of success at the plate, but I still don't want a lifetime .277 hitter instructing the hitters on my favorite ballclub. Why not have Bob Dylan give Charlotte Church singing lessons? Why not have Henry Burris tutor Rex the Wonder Dog? How about asking Peter Brady to give a seminar on fixing bikes in a timely manner?
As you can see, all the optimism that pervaded my body last Friday is now, alas, gone.
In fact, instead of wasting my time watching last night's crapfest, I decided to actually be productive and accomplish something around the house. So, I finally put into storage a number of things that I will certainly not need anytime soon, but that I have been too lazy to put away. I finally put the holiday decorations in the basement. I stored my "Vote Andre Dawson/ Ryne Sandberg in '88" sign in the garage. I put my "Choose Life" and "Frankie Says" t-shirts in the trash. And finally, I resigned myself to the truth and put the "W" flag in the attic.
Don't cry for me. It's okay. After all, its Chicago Sky season!!! They got next.
By the way, who was it again who commented about Greg Maddux's misleading run of success? "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I am so smart."
Interesting news...
* Padres' broadcaster Jerry Coleman was interviewed by Jonathan Hood last night on AM 1000 and discussed Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. A truly great interview subject, Coleman asked why nobody has questioned Barry Bonds at length about his use of the "Clear" and the "Cream." Coleman stated that everyone involved in baseball knows that ballplayers always have the trainer rub them down and went on to say that "if a ballplayer is rubbing himself, he's going to need a good magazine and he certainly is not going to want anyone to know about it." I almost drove off the road.
* Increasingly known for their publicity stunts (including signing former major leaguer Oil Can Boyd to a contract), the independent minor league team the Brockton Rox have issued a unique challenge to the Kansas City Royals. The Rox have "challenged" the Royals (they won't use the word bet due to its implications and because they do not want to get Charles Barkley overly excited) claiming that they will finish the season with more victories than the major league franchise. Brockton has put up $500 in the challenge and asks that the money-strapped Royals put up $5,000 (with all proceeds going to the construction of a special ballpark designed to accomodate mentally and physically challenged children -- no, not Todd Hundley). Here's the rub...the Rox only play 92 games while the Royals play a full 162-game schedule.
Interesting notes about the Rox: Bill Murray is a part-owner and their mascot is a kangaroo. They have retired two numbers although neither man for whom the number is retired played for the Rox or for any baseball team for that matter. Rather, the team has retired #49 and #62 because the two numbers represent the number of fights won by local boxing celebrities Rocky Marciano and Marvin Hagler. Oh yeah, and Saul Bustos bobble-head doll night is August 19. Get your tickets now.
* In local minor league baseball news, Nigel Thatch, better known as Leon the egomaniac of Budweiser fame, has been traded by the Schaumburg Flyers. After struggling as a starting pitcher, Leon was traded to the Fullerton (CA) Flyers of the Golden League. And what did Schaumburg receive in return? Well, reportedly the Cubs offered Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr., the Orioles offered Kid Corey, and the Padres offered both Mark Bellhorn and Shawn Estes, but the Flyers took the deal than gave them the most value...60 cases of Budweiser in return for the rights to Leon.
Look for the Brockton Rox to offer a Saul Bustos bobble-head in the coming weeks.
* Who really got the better of the Thome for Rowand deal? With the numbers that Thome is putting up, it's hard to argue against Kenny Williams and the White Sox, but has anyone noticed that Rowand is hitting .311, leads the major leagues in multi-hit games, has played phenomenal defense, and has been a catalyst for the Phillies' offense? This is one of those trades that truly benefitted both teams. Philadelphia needed to move the 36-year old first baseman Thome to get young superstar Ryan Howard into the lineup. Just like the Scott Pods - El Caballo trade of a year ago, both teams are smiling. How's that Farnsworth trade working out again, Jim?
* Yesterday, I found out that a bill that I had been lobbying against passed the New York legislature and will be adopted. Disappointed in my failure, I took off my tie, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped it to the floor, and walked slowly to my car.
Huh?
What is with all the NBA players who feel the need to remove their jerseys in the face of a loss? Washington Wizard nee Bullet guard Gilbert Arenas does it after every game and is the most obvious example, but watch enough NBA hoops and you will quickly see that it is quite a common occurrence. I understand that it is a tradition in soccer to celebrate a goal with a shirt removal ceremony (mmmmm...Brandi Chastain) and I know that Dennis Rodman was famous for removing his shirt and tossing it into the crowd, but I still do not get it. Nobody wants to see your new Thug Life tattoo DeQuarius.
Maybe we can start a new workplace trend. Quick, someone tell Erin Andrews that her baseball siedline reporting stinks.
* Finally, I imagine that many of you took note of the fact that I addressed my letter to "Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]. Look, I do not really think that Dusty is on the verge of getting the ol' heave ho, but there certainly is quite a lot of buzz in the media. Given that I suppose that the hammer could drop with a few more losses, it is time to start looking at who may be the next manager of the Chicago National League Ballclub. I have started a list of possibilities below (and please post a comment suggesting your choice for the next Cubs' manager)...
- Lou Pinella: Originally suggested by Random Thoughts commenter Bearister, I love this idea. Pinella would be sure to scare the crap out of these guys. Might as well, bring in Rob Dibble as the pitching coach. Now that would be fun.
- Bobby Valentine: Currently in Japan, Bobby would be a decent fit in Wrigley Field. He has losing in his family as he is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca who famously gave up Bobby Thompson's Shot Heard Round the World.
- Terry Bevington: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, this is the Cubs we are talking about. We fans have lost our right to laugh.
- Steve Stone: A true baseball man who knows that game like few others. Stone has said that he will take the job as long as he is not criticized under any circumstances by the men in the broadcast booth. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay.
- Jack McKeon: Led the Marlins to the World Series title in 2003. Older than Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton and Rich Hill combined. Something like 138 years old. Skokie will love him.
- Mark Prior: It's not like he had anything else to do. Potentially could spend five months on D.L. with a strained thumb from writing out the lineup card.
- Darren Baker: Isn't he actually already the manager?
- Don Baylor and Bruce Kimm co-managing: Crap, we already tried them. Herman Franks?
- Russ Grimm. He'lltakeit.
- John Calipari: Hey, I didn't get my wish with the Iniana Hsiers. Let's try again. Would look sensational in the dugout. May get a little warm in those suits in the middle of August, though.
- Dutchie Caray: Why the hell not?
- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, if he can make winners out of that rag-tag crew, think of what he can do with this rag-tag crew. Hopefully will break Kelly Leak out of Leavenworth and bring him to play right field.
- Lou Brown: I hear the tire shop has fallen on hard times.
- That little kid from Little Big League: If anyone can straighten Einstein Jones out, its got to be Billy Heywood. Wasn't Jones on the Twins when Heywood was the manager? What do you mean it was only a movie?
- Robert Wuhl: Definitely prepared for a top baseball job. Understands the business of the sport thanks to his run as an agent. Terrific coaching experience in Durham. Knows what makes a good wedding gift and understands importance of not lollygagging.
- Dan Wagner: I'd better amend my letter. To hell with pitching...
See you all next Monday!
* My honest pick for the next Cubs' manager? How about former Twins' manager Tom Kelly?
***Sports Trivia of the Day: What did Yankees' boss George Steinbrenner famously call Hideki Irabu after the rotund Yankees' hurler failed to cover first base in a 1999 spring training game?
"Dear Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]:
Okay, I'll admit that I have not played competitive baseball since Eric Maloney took me deep when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I still ask that you consider me for one of the Cubs' five starting pitching slots or for a spot in the team's bullpen. I am positive that I can (and will) throw the ball over the plate on a consistent basis. Sure, I'll give up home runs (heck, some guy may even win a free steak for hitting the bull) and, sure, I'll likely get torched for unlimited runs, but at least Cubs' fans will not have to watch another guy drop his bat and trot down to first with a walk.
Will sign for league minimum, an autographed photo of Mickey Morandini, and unlimited frosty malts.
Sincerely,
Dan Wagner
"cudjoekey"
Look, I hate walks. I despise them. Frankly, it's come to the point where I would rather watch another very special episode of "Reba" than watch another Cub pitcher give yet another free pass to a guy who is barely hitting his weight on the season (Hey, Novoa, it's frickin' Adrian Gonzalez. It ain't Mickey Mantle).
This should come as absolutely no surprise to any of you. After all, it is certainly not the first time that I have mentioned my disdain for the base-on-balls in the Random Thoughts (with the Cubs, walks really should be referred to as bases-on-balls, since, with this team, you can bet your last buffalo nickel that he who receives the free pass will eventually circle the bases and score). Walks are ultimately right up there on my "favorite things list" with brussel sprouts, Michael Bolton records and shoving razor blades in my ears.
Yet, for whatever reason, the Cubs cannot seem to find more than a couple of pitchers who can find the plate on a consistent basis. Jerome Williams and David "AA"rdsma have aleady been exiled to the minors, but Gopherball Glendon, Big Z, Novoa, Scott Williamson, and Angel Guzman all largely have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. Heck, even Scott Eyre, who has arguably been the Cubs best pitcher this year (statistically speaking: 1.65 ERA, 17 K) has walked an (in my mind) unacceptable 10 hitters in 16 innings.
I just don't understand it. Why do Cubs' pitchers have so much dang trouble throwing strikes? And perhaps the most underrated aspect of the game is the art of getting ahead in the count. Generally speaking, once a pitcher gets behind 2-0 or 3-1 in the count, he is going to get hit hard. Very hard. Even the great and all-powerful Khalil Greene will be mistaken for Willie Mays when he is swinging at an unlimited supply of 3-1 meatballs. Heck, even Thing One may actually make a little contact when ahead in the count (but, naturally, pop up to the second baseman).
So who is to blame? Dusty? The pitchers themselves? Pitching coach Larry Rothschild? Some stupid curse? I don't truly know the answer, but I do know that there are an awful lot of ex-Cubs having an awful lot of success in their new homes this year. I've gone through the names before...Cruz, Koronka, The Farns, Gordon. Heck, even Todd Wellemeyer suddenly has his ERA down to 3.21!
In the past, I was never one to give much credit to a pitching coach (or place much blame on one), but the facts are the facts. For the last couple of years, the Cubs' staff has issued walks and gotten behind hitters at an alarming pace. Injuries to the staff have been plentiful and debilitating. Meanwhile, one only has to look to the South Side to find a true success story. Think Jon Garland just woke up one day and suddenly understood how to pitch? How about Javier Vazquez's present-year resurrection? And how about Jose Contreras? For those of you who are not familiar with the history around Jose's arrival in America. After wowing scouts while pitching for the Cuban national team, Jose was the subject of a bitter bidding war between the Red Sox and Yankees. After failing miserably in New York, he was dealt to Chicago where he has been largely unhittable over the last couple of months of play. Think Cooper had nothing to do with it? I suggest that you think again.
At this point, Cooper may even be able to resurrect Hideki Irabu's career... ***
And, as long as we are criticizing the pitching coach, how about a little love for the hitting coach as well? Ahh yes, good old Gene Clines. I remember getting his baseball card in 1978. I'd open a pack, crack a couple of teeth on the stick of gum, curse the fact that I can't read Johnny Bench's stats because of the stupid mark that the gum left on the back of the card, and separate my cards in piles according to how good the player was. I had my stack of superstars that included Billy Buck, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and George Foster. I had my stack of mediocre players that included Bake McBride, Davey Lopes and Chet Lemon. And I had my stack of who-gives-a-crap players that included Stephen Hawking Hairston Sr, Rennie Stennent and, yes, Gene frickin' Clines!
Clines is a lifetime .277 hitter with 5, count em' 5, career home runs. Yes, I know Charley Lau was one of the most famous hitting coaches of all time despite a shocking lack of success at the plate, but I still don't want a lifetime .277 hitter instructing the hitters on my favorite ballclub. Why not have Bob Dylan give Charlotte Church singing lessons? Why not have Henry Burris tutor Rex the Wonder Dog? How about asking Peter Brady to give a seminar on fixing bikes in a timely manner?
As you can see, all the optimism that pervaded my body last Friday is now, alas, gone.
In fact, instead of wasting my time watching last night's crapfest, I decided to actually be productive and accomplish something around the house. So, I finally put into storage a number of things that I will certainly not need anytime soon, but that I have been too lazy to put away. I finally put the holiday decorations in the basement. I stored my "Vote Andre Dawson/ Ryne Sandberg in '88" sign in the garage. I put my "Choose Life" and "Frankie Says" t-shirts in the trash. And finally, I resigned myself to the truth and put the "W" flag in the attic.
Don't cry for me. It's okay. After all, its Chicago Sky season!!! They got next.
By the way, who was it again who commented about Greg Maddux's misleading run of success? "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I am so smart."
Interesting news...
* Padres' broadcaster Jerry Coleman was interviewed by Jonathan Hood last night on AM 1000 and discussed Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. A truly great interview subject, Coleman asked why nobody has questioned Barry Bonds at length about his use of the "Clear" and the "Cream." Coleman stated that everyone involved in baseball knows that ballplayers always have the trainer rub them down and went on to say that "if a ballplayer is rubbing himself, he's going to need a good magazine and he certainly is not going to want anyone to know about it." I almost drove off the road.
* Increasingly known for their publicity stunts (including signing former major leaguer Oil Can Boyd to a contract), the independent minor league team the Brockton Rox have issued a unique challenge to the Kansas City Royals. The Rox have "challenged" the Royals (they won't use the word bet due to its implications and because they do not want to get Charles Barkley overly excited) claiming that they will finish the season with more victories than the major league franchise. Brockton has put up $500 in the challenge and asks that the money-strapped Royals put up $5,000 (with all proceeds going to the construction of a special ballpark designed to accomodate mentally and physically challenged children -- no, not Todd Hundley). Here's the rub...the Rox only play 92 games while the Royals play a full 162-game schedule.
Interesting notes about the Rox: Bill Murray is a part-owner and their mascot is a kangaroo. They have retired two numbers although neither man for whom the number is retired played for the Rox or for any baseball team for that matter. Rather, the team has retired #49 and #62 because the two numbers represent the number of fights won by local boxing celebrities Rocky Marciano and Marvin Hagler. Oh yeah, and Saul Bustos bobble-head doll night is August 19. Get your tickets now.
* In local minor league baseball news, Nigel Thatch, better known as Leon the egomaniac of Budweiser fame, has been traded by the Schaumburg Flyers. After struggling as a starting pitcher, Leon was traded to the Fullerton (CA) Flyers of the Golden League. And what did Schaumburg receive in return? Well, reportedly the Cubs offered Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr., the Orioles offered Kid Corey, and the Padres offered both Mark Bellhorn and Shawn Estes, but the Flyers took the deal than gave them the most value...60 cases of Budweiser in return for the rights to Leon.
Look for the Brockton Rox to offer a Saul Bustos bobble-head in the coming weeks.
* Who really got the better of the Thome for Rowand deal? With the numbers that Thome is putting up, it's hard to argue against Kenny Williams and the White Sox, but has anyone noticed that Rowand is hitting .311, leads the major leagues in multi-hit games, has played phenomenal defense, and has been a catalyst for the Phillies' offense? This is one of those trades that truly benefitted both teams. Philadelphia needed to move the 36-year old first baseman Thome to get young superstar Ryan Howard into the lineup. Just like the Scott Pods - El Caballo trade of a year ago, both teams are smiling. How's that Farnsworth trade working out again, Jim?
* Yesterday, I found out that a bill that I had been lobbying against passed the New York legislature and will be adopted. Disappointed in my failure, I took off my tie, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped it to the floor, and walked slowly to my car.
Huh?
What is with all the NBA players who feel the need to remove their jerseys in the face of a loss? Washington Wizard nee Bullet guard Gilbert Arenas does it after every game and is the most obvious example, but watch enough NBA hoops and you will quickly see that it is quite a common occurrence. I understand that it is a tradition in soccer to celebrate a goal with a shirt removal ceremony (mmmmm...Brandi Chastain) and I know that Dennis Rodman was famous for removing his shirt and tossing it into the crowd, but I still do not get it. Nobody wants to see your new Thug Life tattoo DeQuarius.
Maybe we can start a new workplace trend. Quick, someone tell Erin Andrews that her baseball siedline reporting stinks.
* Finally, I imagine that many of you took note of the fact that I addressed my letter to "Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]. Look, I do not really think that Dusty is on the verge of getting the ol' heave ho, but there certainly is quite a lot of buzz in the media. Given that I suppose that the hammer could drop with a few more losses, it is time to start looking at who may be the next manager of the Chicago National League Ballclub. I have started a list of possibilities below (and please post a comment suggesting your choice for the next Cubs' manager)...
- Lou Pinella: Originally suggested by Random Thoughts commenter Bearister, I love this idea. Pinella would be sure to scare the crap out of these guys. Might as well, bring in Rob Dibble as the pitching coach. Now that would be fun.
- Bobby Valentine: Currently in Japan, Bobby would be a decent fit in Wrigley Field. He has losing in his family as he is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca who famously gave up Bobby Thompson's Shot Heard Round the World.
- Terry Bevington: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, this is the Cubs we are talking about. We fans have lost our right to laugh.
- Steve Stone: A true baseball man who knows that game like few others. Stone has said that he will take the job as long as he is not criticized under any circumstances by the men in the broadcast booth. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay.
- Jack McKeon: Led the Marlins to the World Series title in 2003. Older than Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton and Rich Hill combined. Something like 138 years old. Skokie will love him.
- Mark Prior: It's not like he had anything else to do. Potentially could spend five months on D.L. with a strained thumb from writing out the lineup card.
- Darren Baker: Isn't he actually already the manager?
- Don Baylor and Bruce Kimm co-managing: Crap, we already tried them. Herman Franks?
- Russ Grimm. He'lltakeit.
- John Calipari: Hey, I didn't get my wish with the Iniana Hsiers. Let's try again. Would look sensational in the dugout. May get a little warm in those suits in the middle of August, though.
- Dutchie Caray: Why the hell not?
- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, if he can make winners out of that rag-tag crew, think of what he can do with this rag-tag crew. Hopefully will break Kelly Leak out of Leavenworth and bring him to play right field.
- Lou Brown: I hear the tire shop has fallen on hard times.
- That little kid from Little Big League: If anyone can straighten Einstein Jones out, its got to be Billy Heywood. Wasn't Jones on the Twins when Heywood was the manager? What do you mean it was only a movie?
- Robert Wuhl: Definitely prepared for a top baseball job. Understands the business of the sport thanks to his run as an agent. Terrific coaching experience in Durham. Knows what makes a good wedding gift and understands importance of not lollygagging.
- Dan Wagner: I'd better amend my letter. To hell with pitching...
See you all next Monday!
* My honest pick for the next Cubs' manager? How about former Twins' manager Tom Kelly?
***Sports Trivia of the Day: What did Yankees' boss George Steinbrenner famously call Hideki Irabu after the rotund Yankees' hurler failed to cover first base in a 1999 spring training game?
Monday, May 08, 2006
Out of Focus
What can I say? I've got nothing today. Oh sure, I have a host of ideas and topics that I could write about, but everytime I start writing something, I find myself totally losing focus and winding up with absolute gibberish.
Further, I will be travelling Wednesday throu...sheesh, I sure could go for a hot fudge sundae. Where, was I again? Oh yeah, I'll be travelling Wednesday through Friday and, therefore, it is going to be a barren week of Random Thoughts (although, I will try and post something tomorrow, but cannot make any promises).
That said, thank you to everyone for your continued support. If I cannot get something up tomorrow, I will see everyone next Monday!
Further, I will be travelling Wednesday throu...sheesh, I sure could go for a hot fudge sundae. Where, was I again? Oh yeah, I'll be travelling Wednesday through Friday and, therefore, it is going to be a barren week of Random Thoughts (although, I will try and post something tomorrow, but cannot make any promises).
That said, thank you to everyone for your continued support. If I cannot get something up tomorrow, I will see everyone next Monday!
Friday, May 05, 2006
Que?
Buenas Cinco de Mayo mis amigos! Yo no hablo mucho español, pero haré mi mejor. Los Cachorros huelen en este momento. ComercÃe a Ben Gordon para Jermaine O'Neal. Me gusta tacos y nachos y cerveza fria. Jessica Alba es mucho caliente. Si...
Can you hear the mariachi band playing La Cucaracha? Gloria Estefan? Ricky Martin? Menudo?
It's Friday, the end of the work week. We are expecting a beautiful weekend of sunny skies and fairly warm temperatures. I'm going to get a dozen Krispy Kremes for tomorrow morning. Life ain't so bad.
Oh, sure I'm as disappointed as anyone with the Toros' performance last night and the Cachorros' continuing lack of anything even remotely resembling and offense, but for at least one day, I'm not going to play the Schleprock role. I'm going to listen to the advice of Bobby McFerrin. I'm going to follow the mantra of Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson and be a shiny, happy person. Regardless of whether Big Z walks six straight batters against the Padres in the first inning this evening, I'm going to have fun tonight. Heck, if things go really well, I may even Wang Chung tonight.
Oh sure, I'll talk a little about the Toros and the Cachorros. But, I'm going to take a positive, happy Friday look at out fallen heroes.
* Thing One can hit! And steal bases!! And, get this, draw a walk!!! Last night, fast Freddie responded to a starting gig by collecting only his fifth hit of the year and by stealing two bases. Oh sure, he struck out in his most important at-bat of the game, with two on and two out, but hey, before we know it his batting average (.238) may start to appoach the Kevin Orie stratosphere (lifetime .249). Margaritas for everyone!
* Cachorro hitters struck out eleven times. That's eleven plate appearances during which Einstein Jones did not get doubled off second base on a line drive or fly ball to left field. Jones says gracias to all.
* For at least one game, Gopherball Glendon was Groundball Glendon. Two innings of no-hit, no-walk baseball. (Note to Hendry...trade him now, while he's hot. What's that? The best you can get in return is an autographed picture of Mexican-born Cachorro killer Vinny Castilla? You say it's actually a picture of Castilla autographed by Andres Galarraga?) Take it.
* Did you know that Castilla was not the first Mexican-born to play in the major leagues? That honor goes to Mel Almada who made his debut with the Red Sox in 1933. Other famous firsts... former Cachorro outfielder Robin Jennings (Singapore -- you read that correctly), Jeff Bronkey (Afghanistan), Chili Davis (Jamaica), and Danny Graves (Vietnam)***
* Yes, former Cachorro Juan Cruz pitched five shutout innings and lowered his season ERA to 2.05. Yes, Sergio Mitre has a 3.82 ERA. Yes, John Koronka is 3-1 with a 3.55 ERA and an excellent 1.16 whip (walks + hits per inning pitched). Yes, Kyle Farnsworth's ERA is 2.53, former closer Tom Gordon's is a sick 0.66, and each would look a lot better in the Cachorros' pen than Will Oh-Man! But, former starting ace Jon Lieber is a poor 1-3 with a 6.87 ERA for the Phillies. A mug or two of Dos Equis in honor of the fact that he is no longer in the rotation!
* Juan Pierre got picked off second base in the first inning yesterday...by the catcher. Bad baseball? Maybe not. Todd Walker had two strikes on him when Pierre was picked off, so I suspect that Pierre was just doing him a favor. Great team player that Juan Pierre! It's not as if the Cachorros are capable of getting a two-out hit these days. Pierre was just giving Walker a chance to lead off the second inning and really try and get a rally going.
* I hear that Mark Prior had a really nice meal the other night. Good for him.
* Next up...Padres! C'mon, Cachorros you can do it! The 135-game winning streak starts tonight! A little chatter people. Let me hear you good and loud. Aramis, Aramis, he's our man. If he can't do it, Weasley can... (now, now All Hail the Chief, I heard you say "When he can't do it.")
* So, the season has ended for the Toros. So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
* I'll stand by my original statement...making the playoffs this year was the only option. To heck, with the higher draft pick. John Paxson and Scott Skiles know what the team needs and will not be fooled by the team's "success." This is a young team with a tremendous nucleus that just got incredibly valuable playoff experience. Now, if they could only get a quality two-way big man. Hmmm...I wonder how they can accomplish that. Perhaps a semi-defensively challenged shooting guard who went 10-34 shooting in the two biggest games of the year for a 27-year old big man who averaged 20.1 pts and 9.3 reb per game and currently resides 160 miles down I-65? I'd even throw in a dinner for two at Uncle Julio's Hacienda. See you in the Finals next year!
* Early in the second half of yesterday's game, the aforementioned guard with the penchance for dribbling the ball off of his leg, decided that hustling wasn't worth the effort and let Dwyane Wade grab the ball at midcourt and go in for an uncontested dunk. Wade, who is from Chicago, traditionally struggles while playing in front of the hometown fans. Wasn't that nice and generous of Ben to put smiles of the faces of the Wade clan? Muy simpatico, indeed!
* There is very little postitive that I can say about the play of either Tyson Chandler or Mike Sweetney last night. Let's just say that its a definite positive Tyson will get to spend more quality time with Eddy Curry's soon-to-be born child (Every Toros fan knows that Tyson can't score. It had to come from somewhere).
* Phoenix Suns' guard Raja Bell was suspended for last night's Game 6 versus the Lakers for clothes-lining Kobe Bryant. Fortunately, the Suns won the game in overtime and both teams now force a do-or-die Game 7 tomorrow night. Look, I never want to see a player injured. But, in my opinion, if you are going to clotheline anyone and have to sit out a crucial game as a result, you might as well make it the arrogant, egotistical Bryant. No me gusta Senor Kobe!
* Excuse me, I have to go bash my Kobe Bryant pinata. It's right next to my Phil Jackson pinata, my Adam Morrison pinata, my Jim Edmonds pinata, and my A.J. Pierzynski punching bag.
Pow! Bam! Smash! Crunch!
* Yum...lime, garlic dried grasshoppers (a favorite of the Oaxacans! Once again, I don't make this up!)
* A federal judge, yesterday, ordered Philadelphia superstar tAllen Iverson to appear in Washington D.C. to give testimony about a 2005 D.C. nightclub disturbance. Two Eyebar Club patrons and two security guards are suing Iverson for assault. Iverson' attorneys argued that he should be allowed to testify in Philadelphia because travel to D.C. would mean "having to get up early and hire a driver," an argument that the judge did not buy. What's the judge smoking? Do you know how hard it is to get up early after staying up until 4:30 a.m. figuring out ways to get your coach fired, planning you explanation speech regarding why you didn't bother to show up on Fan Appreciation Day until minutes before tipoff, and...should I say it? Nah. Let's just say, that I don't know what the judge was smoking but I have a sneaky suspicion about where he or she got it. Go ahead and skip practice Allen, where you really belong is a Tijuana prison.
* Maybe that guy in Glen Ellyn who got arrested last week can get the DuPage County judge to dismiss his case. Just argue that going to court means you have to get dressed.
*Tomorrow is Derby Day. Time to put down the Tequila shooter and pick up a mint julep. Time to see little tiny men beat horses with whips. Time to see Louisville's finest ladies adorned in hats that would make the late Princess Diana blush. Word at Churchill Downs is that O.J. Simpson will be attending his second straight Run for the Roses. I'll bet that killer is in that crowd somewhere, O.J. If not, might want to try the baseball all-star-game, this summer's world cup, every golf course in North America...
* ESPN Radio 1000 announced its new lineup. Steve Rosenbloom and national presence Sean Salisbury will be taking over the 9-12 a.m. slot, with Silvy and Carmen moving to 7-10 p.m. and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, Jeff Dickerson, and Jonathan Hood being (at least temporarily) taken off the air. Salisbury I like a lot and think he will do extremely well in Chicago. Rosenbloom may be a rich, pompous know-it-all (hey, I am not rich!), but at least his appointment does not make me want to wretch. Keeping Silvy and Carmen on the air is what troubles me.
I just don't think that they know sports as well as two hosts of a sports show in the third largest market in America should. My introduction to Carmen came about three or four years ago, when, in advance of the fantasy football season, he announced his top five wide receivers...Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens, Torry Holt and...Hines Ward? No. Joe Horn? Nope. Jerry Rice? Uh-uh. Derrick Mason? Negative. Try Oronde Gadsden, who hadn't had a particularily notable season since 1999 (with career highs of 803 yards and 6 TDs). It would have been more sensible if he had said Charlie Joiner. Heck, it would have made more sense if he had said Tom Waddle.
I fully recognize that if I were ever but in front of a television camera or radio microphone, I just may freeze up like Cindy on the Quiz the Kids show, but the fact that Carmen earns a living as an on-air personality makes my blood boi...sizzle with excitement (I'm happy, joyful Dan today, remember).
* You know what ESPN needs? A show like Sabado Gigante. Dress Carmen up as a chicken. Make Harry Teinowitz dress as a baby. Heck you can even bring Jay Mariotti back and put him in that weird executioner outfit. Get a bunch of hot women and have them run around on stage wearing items from the opening pages of the Victoria Secret catalog (not in the back in the outdoor section...thank's JB!). Oh wait, I suppose you would need to have it on TV. Two words...cable access.
* Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with the "Two Words" theme and I appreciate a lot of your comments. Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" reminded me of one of the funniest skits that I have ever seen on ESPN News. Let's see if I can remember this correctly. The skit had to do with the emergence of Ben Roethlisberger and the premise was that he was a success against every team except the Iowa Hawkeyes (including being victimized by ex-Hawkeyes in the pros...i.e.: interceptions thrown to and sacks by). They had sound bites from two Iowa players, with one guy playing a dope (not hard in Iowa City, I suspect). Eventually, the "dope" stated that Iowa had success against Big Ben because of (and I quote) "two words...Iowa Hawkeye Pride." I know that doesn't come across half as funny as it was in real life, but, hey, I'm the writer and I remember rolling on the floor laughing.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Oh Corey...Corey, why? Sure you went 1-2, with a run scored, and (are you sitting down?) a walk, but you could have hit a couple of dingers and fans will still remember your brain cramp in the fifth inning. Kid Corey led off the inning with the aforementioned base-on-balls. Oriole Nick Markakis then hit a long fly ball, chasing Ranger leftfielder Brad Wilkerson back to the wall. Wilkerson made a terrific catch, hitting the wall hard enough to knock a scoreboard panel loose, and sat on the warning track dazed for a moment. By all accounts, Kid Corey "wandered aimlessly between first and second" before being doubled off first base. Heck, we've always been told that Kid Corey is a five-tool player. Maybe he dropped his screwdriver and was looking for it. What other explanation could there be? Season: .295-3-11, 7 sb. Still has not borrowed Miguel Tejada's copy of the movie "The Mexican"
* Finally, (warning...desparate call for comments approaching...) yesterday morning on Mike & Mike, the two discussed which four North American athletes belong on "Mt. Sportsmore." They concluded that Muhammed Ali, Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky should have their likenesses carved into the side of some mountain. For the record, I agree wholeheartedly with their call (although Gretzky versus Eric Daze was a tough, tough call).
So, I ask who belongs on Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore? We can carve it into the little hill that Walter Payton and Dennis Gentry used to scale in the early-mid 80's (what in heck, do you mean, it's now a golf course?). Okay, we can just paint their picture on billboards on the side of Chicagoland's tollways, highways, and thoroughfares (heck, with the new Open Road Tolling, commuting is a breeze. Sure. Thanks Rod...)
So, I ask you, the Random Thoughts fan (no, upset with his "demotion," Jonathan Hood did not just take over my body), which five (five is better than four) Chicago sports personalities scream "Chicago?" Which five sports personalities trasnscend sports in the greastest city in the U.S.? My choices appear at the bottom of this post. (Scroll down if you would like to see...I figured I would give you a chance to come up with your own first. Go ahead, write it on a napkin during your celebration dinner tonight at Chi Chi's).
For even more fun, which five Chicago Sports Personalities belong in the "Pit of Hell?" Who are the all-time most hated sports personalities in Chicago? Who do you dislike the most? (Same drill as above).
Gotta go. There is a Mucha Lucha marathon on the Cartoon Network and my quesadillas are getting cold.
*** Today's Sports Trivia: Which pitcher made his debut with the Cubs in 1945, becoming the first player born in Puerto Rico to play in the major leagues? Hint: The Washington San Juan National Expos played numerous "home" games at a stadium named after him in recent years.
Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore
- Michael Jordan (The greatest ever. Period. Kobe is an ass)
- Walter Payton (Once dunked a basketball on the driveway hoop at 917 Thornton Ln. Buffalo Grove, Illinois)
- Ernie Banks (Mr. Cub asked to appear on Mt. Sportsmore twice)
- Mike Ditka (Da Coach is Chicago through and through. My guess is New Orleans would rather have Bobby Herbet on their Mt. Sportsmore than Ditka)
- Dick Butkus (Say the name Butkus and you either think of blue-collar meat packers in the Chicago stockyards or Rocky's dog. Either way, I'm not taking any chances)
Also Considered:
- Scottie Pippen (No tippin' Pippen wouldn't grease the skids enough to be included)
- Phil Jackson (Hey, there were Butterfingers in that pinata too!)
- Sammy Sosa (Cork, roids, etc. Sammy tried to slip a mickey into my Corona, but thanks to nice inside pitch, it ended up splashed all over the infield)
- Ryne Sandberg (Just not quite good enough)
- Mark Grace (Mr. Cub of the 90's loved Chicago. I fact, by all accounts he literally loved 75% of all women in Chicago)
- Greg Maddux (If not for those 11 seasons in Hot-Lanta, Butkus would probably be on the "also considered" list)
- Ron Santo (Sympathy vote? Maybe...)
- Bobby Hull (I don't have many rules, but one is NO wife beaters on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Frank Thomas (I can't believe how many times I have had to lend thig guy money! Until he pays me back, he ain't on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Mike Singletary (Just a step behind Butkus)
- Jerry Reinsdorf (Love him or hate him. He brought six titles to the Bulls and a long overdue World Series Championship to the Sox)
- Ray Meyer (God bless you, Coach)
The Pit of Hell
- Bill Wirtz (Self explanatory. Responsible for the disaster that has been the last 10 years of Hawk hockey. How are those "Season Reservation Holders" feeling now, Dollar Bill?
- Sammy Sosa (Also on Mt. Sportsmore, Sammy gets his recognition. Aaaa-cho. Ohhh, my back!)
- Cade McNown (Pick a QB, any QB. Pick the most arrogant and it is got to be Cade. He even parked in the handicapped space when picking up his [dis] honor)
- Jerry Krause (Tough call. He was, after all, at least partially responsible for six championships. He was also responsible for Eddy Curry and Jamal Crawford. Enough said. Wins a box of donuts as his prize)
- Sam Giannis (I never believed in curses until three years ago)
Also Considered:
- Alex Zhamnov (Alex was never really hated, but his arrival from Phoenix for Jeremy Roenick symbolized the Hawks downfall in the late 90's)
- LaTroy Hawkins (Yes, I can do your job. I can give up unlimited runs. But can you write the Random Thoughts? I think not)
- Todd Hundley (I had a personal vendetta against this piece of crap. Announcer: "Should Sam not be able to fulfill his duties," Todd may just get a call)
- Frank Thomas (See above)
- Rick Mirer, Henry Burris, Jonathan Quinn (Made us long for Erik Kramer. Heck, made us long for Steve Walsh!)
- Eddy Curry (If you are fat and lazy, you shouldn't be a multi-millionaire)
There are so many more that I can mention, but Boris just ate my quesadillas!
Can you hear the mariachi band playing La Cucaracha? Gloria Estefan? Ricky Martin? Menudo?
It's Friday, the end of the work week. We are expecting a beautiful weekend of sunny skies and fairly warm temperatures. I'm going to get a dozen Krispy Kremes for tomorrow morning. Life ain't so bad.
Oh, sure I'm as disappointed as anyone with the Toros' performance last night and the Cachorros' continuing lack of anything even remotely resembling and offense, but for at least one day, I'm not going to play the Schleprock role. I'm going to listen to the advice of Bobby McFerrin. I'm going to follow the mantra of Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson and be a shiny, happy person. Regardless of whether Big Z walks six straight batters against the Padres in the first inning this evening, I'm going to have fun tonight. Heck, if things go really well, I may even Wang Chung tonight.
Oh sure, I'll talk a little about the Toros and the Cachorros. But, I'm going to take a positive, happy Friday look at out fallen heroes.
* Thing One can hit! And steal bases!! And, get this, draw a walk!!! Last night, fast Freddie responded to a starting gig by collecting only his fifth hit of the year and by stealing two bases. Oh sure, he struck out in his most important at-bat of the game, with two on and two out, but hey, before we know it his batting average (.238) may start to appoach the Kevin Orie stratosphere (lifetime .249). Margaritas for everyone!
* Cachorro hitters struck out eleven times. That's eleven plate appearances during which Einstein Jones did not get doubled off second base on a line drive or fly ball to left field. Jones says gracias to all.
* For at least one game, Gopherball Glendon was Groundball Glendon. Two innings of no-hit, no-walk baseball. (Note to Hendry...trade him now, while he's hot. What's that? The best you can get in return is an autographed picture of Mexican-born Cachorro killer Vinny Castilla? You say it's actually a picture of Castilla autographed by Andres Galarraga?) Take it.
* Did you know that Castilla was not the first Mexican-born to play in the major leagues? That honor goes to Mel Almada who made his debut with the Red Sox in 1933. Other famous firsts... former Cachorro outfielder Robin Jennings (Singapore -- you read that correctly), Jeff Bronkey (Afghanistan), Chili Davis (Jamaica), and Danny Graves (Vietnam)***
* Yes, former Cachorro Juan Cruz pitched five shutout innings and lowered his season ERA to 2.05. Yes, Sergio Mitre has a 3.82 ERA. Yes, John Koronka is 3-1 with a 3.55 ERA and an excellent 1.16 whip (walks + hits per inning pitched). Yes, Kyle Farnsworth's ERA is 2.53, former closer Tom Gordon's is a sick 0.66, and each would look a lot better in the Cachorros' pen than Will Oh-Man! But, former starting ace Jon Lieber is a poor 1-3 with a 6.87 ERA for the Phillies. A mug or two of Dos Equis in honor of the fact that he is no longer in the rotation!
* Juan Pierre got picked off second base in the first inning yesterday...by the catcher. Bad baseball? Maybe not. Todd Walker had two strikes on him when Pierre was picked off, so I suspect that Pierre was just doing him a favor. Great team player that Juan Pierre! It's not as if the Cachorros are capable of getting a two-out hit these days. Pierre was just giving Walker a chance to lead off the second inning and really try and get a rally going.
* I hear that Mark Prior had a really nice meal the other night. Good for him.
* Next up...Padres! C'mon, Cachorros you can do it! The 135-game winning streak starts tonight! A little chatter people. Let me hear you good and loud. Aramis, Aramis, he's our man. If he can't do it, Weasley can... (now, now All Hail the Chief, I heard you say "When he can't do it.")
* So, the season has ended for the Toros. So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
* I'll stand by my original statement...making the playoffs this year was the only option. To heck, with the higher draft pick. John Paxson and Scott Skiles know what the team needs and will not be fooled by the team's "success." This is a young team with a tremendous nucleus that just got incredibly valuable playoff experience. Now, if they could only get a quality two-way big man. Hmmm...I wonder how they can accomplish that. Perhaps a semi-defensively challenged shooting guard who went 10-34 shooting in the two biggest games of the year for a 27-year old big man who averaged 20.1 pts and 9.3 reb per game and currently resides 160 miles down I-65? I'd even throw in a dinner for two at Uncle Julio's Hacienda. See you in the Finals next year!
* Early in the second half of yesterday's game, the aforementioned guard with the penchance for dribbling the ball off of his leg, decided that hustling wasn't worth the effort and let Dwyane Wade grab the ball at midcourt and go in for an uncontested dunk. Wade, who is from Chicago, traditionally struggles while playing in front of the hometown fans. Wasn't that nice and generous of Ben to put smiles of the faces of the Wade clan? Muy simpatico, indeed!
* There is very little postitive that I can say about the play of either Tyson Chandler or Mike Sweetney last night. Let's just say that its a definite positive Tyson will get to spend more quality time with Eddy Curry's soon-to-be born child (Every Toros fan knows that Tyson can't score. It had to come from somewhere).
* Phoenix Suns' guard Raja Bell was suspended for last night's Game 6 versus the Lakers for clothes-lining Kobe Bryant. Fortunately, the Suns won the game in overtime and both teams now force a do-or-die Game 7 tomorrow night. Look, I never want to see a player injured. But, in my opinion, if you are going to clotheline anyone and have to sit out a crucial game as a result, you might as well make it the arrogant, egotistical Bryant. No me gusta Senor Kobe!
* Excuse me, I have to go bash my Kobe Bryant pinata. It's right next to my Phil Jackson pinata, my Adam Morrison pinata, my Jim Edmonds pinata, and my A.J. Pierzynski punching bag.
Pow! Bam! Smash! Crunch!
* Yum...lime, garlic dried grasshoppers (a favorite of the Oaxacans! Once again, I don't make this up!)
* A federal judge, yesterday, ordered Philadelphia superstar tAllen Iverson to appear in Washington D.C. to give testimony about a 2005 D.C. nightclub disturbance. Two Eyebar Club patrons and two security guards are suing Iverson for assault. Iverson' attorneys argued that he should be allowed to testify in Philadelphia because travel to D.C. would mean "having to get up early and hire a driver," an argument that the judge did not buy. What's the judge smoking? Do you know how hard it is to get up early after staying up until 4:30 a.m. figuring out ways to get your coach fired, planning you explanation speech regarding why you didn't bother to show up on Fan Appreciation Day until minutes before tipoff, and...should I say it? Nah. Let's just say, that I don't know what the judge was smoking but I have a sneaky suspicion about where he or she got it. Go ahead and skip practice Allen, where you really belong is a Tijuana prison.
* Maybe that guy in Glen Ellyn who got arrested last week can get the DuPage County judge to dismiss his case. Just argue that going to court means you have to get dressed.
*Tomorrow is Derby Day. Time to put down the Tequila shooter and pick up a mint julep. Time to see little tiny men beat horses with whips. Time to see Louisville's finest ladies adorned in hats that would make the late Princess Diana blush. Word at Churchill Downs is that O.J. Simpson will be attending his second straight Run for the Roses. I'll bet that killer is in that crowd somewhere, O.J. If not, might want to try the baseball all-star-game, this summer's world cup, every golf course in North America...
* ESPN Radio 1000 announced its new lineup. Steve Rosenbloom and national presence Sean Salisbury will be taking over the 9-12 a.m. slot, with Silvy and Carmen moving to 7-10 p.m. and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, Jeff Dickerson, and Jonathan Hood being (at least temporarily) taken off the air. Salisbury I like a lot and think he will do extremely well in Chicago. Rosenbloom may be a rich, pompous know-it-all (hey, I am not rich!), but at least his appointment does not make me want to wretch. Keeping Silvy and Carmen on the air is what troubles me.
I just don't think that they know sports as well as two hosts of a sports show in the third largest market in America should. My introduction to Carmen came about three or four years ago, when, in advance of the fantasy football season, he announced his top five wide receivers...Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens, Torry Holt and...Hines Ward? No. Joe Horn? Nope. Jerry Rice? Uh-uh. Derrick Mason? Negative. Try Oronde Gadsden, who hadn't had a particularily notable season since 1999 (with career highs of 803 yards and 6 TDs). It would have been more sensible if he had said Charlie Joiner. Heck, it would have made more sense if he had said Tom Waddle.
I fully recognize that if I were ever but in front of a television camera or radio microphone, I just may freeze up like Cindy on the Quiz the Kids show, but the fact that Carmen earns a living as an on-air personality makes my blood boi...sizzle with excitement (I'm happy, joyful Dan today, remember).
* You know what ESPN needs? A show like Sabado Gigante. Dress Carmen up as a chicken. Make Harry Teinowitz dress as a baby. Heck you can even bring Jay Mariotti back and put him in that weird executioner outfit. Get a bunch of hot women and have them run around on stage wearing items from the opening pages of the Victoria Secret catalog (not in the back in the outdoor section...thank's JB!). Oh wait, I suppose you would need to have it on TV. Two words...cable access.
* Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with the "Two Words" theme and I appreciate a lot of your comments. Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" reminded me of one of the funniest skits that I have ever seen on ESPN News. Let's see if I can remember this correctly. The skit had to do with the emergence of Ben Roethlisberger and the premise was that he was a success against every team except the Iowa Hawkeyes (including being victimized by ex-Hawkeyes in the pros...i.e.: interceptions thrown to and sacks by). They had sound bites from two Iowa players, with one guy playing a dope (not hard in Iowa City, I suspect). Eventually, the "dope" stated that Iowa had success against Big Ben because of (and I quote) "two words...Iowa Hawkeye Pride." I know that doesn't come across half as funny as it was in real life, but, hey, I'm the writer and I remember rolling on the floor laughing.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Oh Corey...Corey, why? Sure you went 1-2, with a run scored, and (are you sitting down?) a walk, but you could have hit a couple of dingers and fans will still remember your brain cramp in the fifth inning. Kid Corey led off the inning with the aforementioned base-on-balls. Oriole Nick Markakis then hit a long fly ball, chasing Ranger leftfielder Brad Wilkerson back to the wall. Wilkerson made a terrific catch, hitting the wall hard enough to knock a scoreboard panel loose, and sat on the warning track dazed for a moment. By all accounts, Kid Corey "wandered aimlessly between first and second" before being doubled off first base. Heck, we've always been told that Kid Corey is a five-tool player. Maybe he dropped his screwdriver and was looking for it. What other explanation could there be? Season: .295-3-11, 7 sb. Still has not borrowed Miguel Tejada's copy of the movie "The Mexican"
* Finally, (warning...desparate call for comments approaching...) yesterday morning on Mike & Mike, the two discussed which four North American athletes belong on "Mt. Sportsmore." They concluded that Muhammed Ali, Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky should have their likenesses carved into the side of some mountain. For the record, I agree wholeheartedly with their call (although Gretzky versus Eric Daze was a tough, tough call).
So, I ask who belongs on Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore? We can carve it into the little hill that Walter Payton and Dennis Gentry used to scale in the early-mid 80's (what in heck, do you mean, it's now a golf course?). Okay, we can just paint their picture on billboards on the side of Chicagoland's tollways, highways, and thoroughfares (heck, with the new Open Road Tolling, commuting is a breeze. Sure. Thanks Rod...)
So, I ask you, the Random Thoughts fan (no, upset with his "demotion," Jonathan Hood did not just take over my body), which five (five is better than four) Chicago sports personalities scream "Chicago?" Which five sports personalities trasnscend sports in the greastest city in the U.S.? My choices appear at the bottom of this post. (Scroll down if you would like to see...I figured I would give you a chance to come up with your own first. Go ahead, write it on a napkin during your celebration dinner tonight at Chi Chi's).
For even more fun, which five Chicago Sports Personalities belong in the "Pit of Hell?" Who are the all-time most hated sports personalities in Chicago? Who do you dislike the most? (Same drill as above).
Gotta go. There is a Mucha Lucha marathon on the Cartoon Network and my quesadillas are getting cold.
*** Today's Sports Trivia: Which pitcher made his debut with the Cubs in 1945, becoming the first player born in Puerto Rico to play in the major leagues? Hint: The Washington San Juan National Expos played numerous "home" games at a stadium named after him in recent years.
Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore
- Michael Jordan (The greatest ever. Period. Kobe is an ass)
- Walter Payton (Once dunked a basketball on the driveway hoop at 917 Thornton Ln. Buffalo Grove, Illinois)
- Ernie Banks (Mr. Cub asked to appear on Mt. Sportsmore twice)
- Mike Ditka (Da Coach is Chicago through and through. My guess is New Orleans would rather have Bobby Herbet on their Mt. Sportsmore than Ditka)
- Dick Butkus (Say the name Butkus and you either think of blue-collar meat packers in the Chicago stockyards or Rocky's dog. Either way, I'm not taking any chances)
Also Considered:
- Scottie Pippen (No tippin' Pippen wouldn't grease the skids enough to be included)
- Phil Jackson (Hey, there were Butterfingers in that pinata too!)
- Sammy Sosa (Cork, roids, etc. Sammy tried to slip a mickey into my Corona, but thanks to nice inside pitch, it ended up splashed all over the infield)
- Ryne Sandberg (Just not quite good enough)
- Mark Grace (Mr. Cub of the 90's loved Chicago. I fact, by all accounts he literally loved 75% of all women in Chicago)
- Greg Maddux (If not for those 11 seasons in Hot-Lanta, Butkus would probably be on the "also considered" list)
- Ron Santo (Sympathy vote? Maybe...)
- Bobby Hull (I don't have many rules, but one is NO wife beaters on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Frank Thomas (I can't believe how many times I have had to lend thig guy money! Until he pays me back, he ain't on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Mike Singletary (Just a step behind Butkus)
- Jerry Reinsdorf (Love him or hate him. He brought six titles to the Bulls and a long overdue World Series Championship to the Sox)
- Ray Meyer (God bless you, Coach)
The Pit of Hell
- Bill Wirtz (Self explanatory. Responsible for the disaster that has been the last 10 years of Hawk hockey. How are those "Season Reservation Holders" feeling now, Dollar Bill?
- Sammy Sosa (Also on Mt. Sportsmore, Sammy gets his recognition. Aaaa-cho. Ohhh, my back!)
- Cade McNown (Pick a QB, any QB. Pick the most arrogant and it is got to be Cade. He even parked in the handicapped space when picking up his [dis] honor)
- Jerry Krause (Tough call. He was, after all, at least partially responsible for six championships. He was also responsible for Eddy Curry and Jamal Crawford. Enough said. Wins a box of donuts as his prize)
- Sam Giannis (I never believed in curses until three years ago)
Also Considered:
- Alex Zhamnov (Alex was never really hated, but his arrival from Phoenix for Jeremy Roenick symbolized the Hawks downfall in the late 90's)
- LaTroy Hawkins (Yes, I can do your job. I can give up unlimited runs. But can you write the Random Thoughts? I think not)
- Todd Hundley (I had a personal vendetta against this piece of crap. Announcer: "Should Sam not be able to fulfill his duties," Todd may just get a call)
- Frank Thomas (See above)
- Rick Mirer, Henry Burris, Jonathan Quinn (Made us long for Erik Kramer. Heck, made us long for Steve Walsh!)
- Eddy Curry (If you are fat and lazy, you shouldn't be a multi-millionaire)
There are so many more that I can mention, but Boris just ate my quesadillas!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
This Post Is a "Stolen Base"
Mark Twain once wrote that creativity is really nothing more than undetected plagarism and while I assure all faithful readers of the Random Thoughts that I have always and will always give the proper credit to my "sources" (Ms. Tedell, my high school journalism teacher would be so proud), it never ceases to amaze me how often I see similar, if not identical, quotes, jokes and quips in the mainstream media. Perhaps my favorite involves the symmetry between my original naming of Team Voldemort as "The Team Who Must Not Be Named" and author John Feinstein's referral to former Team Voldemort head master Roy Williams as the "Coach Who Must Not Be Named" in the book "Last Dance." A week or so ago, I made a comment about Randy Johnson that was eerily similar to a comment made by The Phoenix (whatever the heck that is) in naming the 100 most unsexy men. And yesterday, on the very day when former Cub announcer Steve Stone received his inaugural reference in the Random Thoughts, I hear Stone comment on the 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour (I believe they officially call it the Boers and Bernstein Show) that Jacque Jones has been reading the "Moises Alou Book of Baserunning." Thief!!!!
Okay, well as soon as I realized that for some bizarre reason I was listening to the Score and my radio was not stuck on the 670 AM frequency, I quickly turned over to Mac, Jurko and Harry on ESPN 1000. They were asking what two words in sports really get one's juices flowing. Words like "Super Bowl," "Opening Day" and "Final Four." {Lighbulb goes off in Dan's head}
-- Warning: Not all two-word sports phrases guaranteed to get your juices or anything else flowing...
Let's talk sports...
"Pathetic Crap" I was planning on talking about the Cubs today, but I don't waste my time listening to Celine Dion records or watching Rob Schneider movies, and I'm not going to waste my time talking about them either.
Okay, maybe just a little...(but no matter how much you beg, I'm not watching The Hot Chick)
"Double Play" I have come to the realization that watching the Cubs very may very well stunt my son's academic growth. In fact, if I am not careful, poor little Ryan is going to start thinking that the correct sequential order of arabic numerals is either 6-4-3 or 4-6-3. And I thought Ron Coomer was out of our system.
"Mendoza Line" In the great tradition of Dr. Seuss, every "thing" needs an accomplice. We've got Freddie Bynum cemented as Thing One and I'd like to nominate Neifi Perez and his under the Mendoza Line .167 batting average as Thing Two. Any, no, I do not wish them to play. They should be put in their box and be taken away. The suck real bad. It makes me sad. Without D Lee it's going to be a long May.
"Unearned Runs" Yesterday, I referred to the four runs given up by reliever Roberto Novoa as "runs that will not count against one's ERA" and many of you probably wondered why. The reason is quite simple. Shouldn't we consider penalizing a pitcher's statistics when the error that caused the "unearned runs" was made by the pitcher, himself? Further, what about the fact that after Novoa treated the ball like T.J. Hooker's Officer Stacy Sheridan will treat the annoying ugmo once she gets the hallucinogen out of her system, Novoa proceeded to give up solid base hits to two crappy Pirate hitters?
In my opinion, the official scorer should be granted flexibility in determining what qualifies as an unearned run and what should be counted against the pitcher's ERA. If a pitcher gives up two runs after Leon Durham lets a ground ball go right through his legs, he should be off the hook. If however, the same pitcher follows up a dropped fly ball by Brant Brown by giving up seven more hits, three walks, and two hit batsmen...(a) his name is likely either Gopherball Glendon or Jeff Fassero and (b) at least some of the runs should be earned.
In fact, I believe that the official scorer should, under certain circumstances, also have the right to "choose" which pitcher gets credit for a win. It just doesn't seem right that Neil Cotts can blow a late-inning lead and still get the win because Pablo Ozuna hits the first home run of his major league career (yes, I know that is not factually accurate. I'm just making a point). If a guy blows a lead but his team comes right back and wins the game, he should be ineligible for the win. Just my opinion.
"World Champions" Yes, you read the above correctly. After an avalanche of Cubs talk recently, the Sox were actually referenced in the Random Thoughts! Look, there is really not much to say. They proved to be the best team in baseball last year and they have the look of a champion once again. I guess I could offer an official apology to Scotty Pods for inferring that he was baseball's equivalent to Dexy's Midnight Runners. I suppose I could comment on how Jon Garland is looking a lot more like the Cubs' version of Jason Bere than the pre-surgey Sox version. I imagine that I could talk about Jose Uribe's inhumanly oversized ass, hope that Tail Chaser Anderson is having more luck in the bars than he is at the plate (.141 average), or question how close Jose Contreras really is to becoming eligible for Wendy's 50-cent senior citizen cup of coffee (if he's really 34 years old, I'm only 16). But, all I'll say is that this is a team that is exceptionally good. It has gotten to the point where, no matter what happens in the first six or seven innings, you have the feeling that the Sox will somehow go on to win the game. Pablo Ozuna's first career home run to tie yesterday's game with two outs in the bottom of the ninth is just the latest example.
"You're Fired!" No, I cannot believe that the Houston Texans drafted Sam Bowie either. If I'm general manager Charlie Casserly, I'm updating my resume and checking out how good I look in the green apron of a Starbucks' barrista.
"Rock Chalk" Wayne Simien was still available. So was Raef LaFrentz. I believe Eric Chenowith could have been persuaded to leave his job stocking diapers and shampoo at the Lawrence, Kansas Wal-Mart if the Bears' had only asked. But, ultimately the Monsters of the Midway elected to bypass youth (Simien), softness (LaFrentz), and an utter lack of talent (Chenowith), and go with the experience of Danny Manning.
"Agressive Athlete?" I'm sorry, but who exactly is Danieal Manning and why did the Bears draft him? It's hard to criticize him as a player seeing that I know as much about him as I know about the theatre scene in Bangladesh (look, I can't be all things to all people). I can only hope that he doesn't have the flabby, unshapen arms of his namesake and that the extra "a" in his name stands for "athletic" or "agressive" and not "awful." I suppose I can also hope that he learned a lot from teammates Sneezy Beltran and Azzie Beagnyam (once again, I don't make this stuff up!). Is the real nickname of alma mater Albilene Christian the Wildcats of the Dwarfs?
"Just Win" The rest of the Bears' draft was non-descript for me. I have never heard of any of the draftees, save a "way-in-the-back-of-my-mind-back-where-names-like-Mike-Vail-and-Paul-Noce-live" recognition of wide receiver Devin Hester. I do know that they are getting a guy who you would not want to meet in a dark alley in fomer Oklahoma defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek. Although he apparently has cleaned up his act, Dusty was once kicked off the team by Sooner coach Bob Stoops and underwent substantial alcohol and anger management counseling (good for him for trying to take care of the problem). Still, you would have to think that such a background is a major red flag.
With the drafting of Dvoracek and the free agent signing of Denny's terrorizer Ricky Manning Jr. one has to wonder in what direction the Bears are heading. Are we looking at the new Raiders of the NFL? Can Lawrence Phillips be far behind? Should we trade for current Chiefs' kicker and nightclub bouncer nose-breaker Lawrence Tynes? Has Theo Fleury been let out of the nut house yet and can he play a little defensive back? Are we better off with prison guard Paul Edgecomb*** on the team's staff than Chico Rivera?
"Tight-end Touchdown!" Many Bears' fans are upset that the team did not draft a tight end and will apparently go into next season once again relying on Desmond Clark. My gut reaction is to bring back Jim Thornton. With the addition of Manning Jr. and Dusty, Robocop could serve two purposes.
Actually, I kind of feel as though failing to draft a tight end is not such a bad thing. I mean, just wait a couple of months and there will be plenty of out-of-work ex-college basketball players who don't really want to go to the NBDL or play for the Lisbon Lions in the premier Portuguese league. How about the aforementioned Danny Manning, the current Director of Student-Athlete Development/ Team Manager for Team Voldemort? Think he truly enjoys working with Peter Pettigrew and Barty Crouch Jr? How about James Augustine? They will eat him alive in Macedonia (Hey, I promised to stop talking about Dee, not all ex-Illini!).
What exactly is it with all the ex-basketball players trying to become tight ends? Yes, Antonio Gates has had tremendous success in San Diego and, yes, Tony Gonzalez did play basketball at Cal, but c'mon. First former UConn Huskies hoopster Ed Nelson announces that he is available to play TE and then ex-George Mason big man Jai Lewis signs a contract with the New York Football Giants. I do not know about you, but if I am an NFL player personnel executive, I'm passing on Marco Killingsworth and looking for a guy who, you know, actually played tight end in college. Unless, of course, his name is John Allred, Alonzo Mayes, Keith Jennings or Chris Gedney. Crap...where's Greg Ostertag's phone number?
"Heisman Trophy" Regardless of what he says publicly, you have got to believe that Reggie Bush is disappointed as having been drafted behind Sam Bowie. I know that Casserly claims that he was selecting the player that fit the Texans' most pressing need (and wasn't it I, who last Friday commented on how teams should not be afraid to take the player that they really want), but when your team is a combined 18-46 in its four-year history (including 2-14 in 2005), you have a lot of needs. Current tailback Dominack Davis is a nice player and its arguable that a running back has about as much chance of success running behind the Texans' o-line as Quiet Riot has in making a glorious rock-n-roll comeback, but, as Yoda says, regret this...you will.
Bush cannot be as disappointed as Matt Leinart, though. One year ago, Leinart was the Heisman Trophy winner and the consensus #1 pick in the draft. Yet, Leinart returned to USC for his senior season and ended up with a loss in the National Championship and a ticket to Arizona as the #10 pick in the draft. By the way, the only "academic" class Matt took during the 2006 school year? Ballroom Dancing. That may be the most expensive class in the history of college academia.
At this point, Joakim Noah can only hope that Joakim is not French for Leinart.
"Foul Ball" Did anyone see that Pete Rose Jr. was recently sentenced to one month in prison for distributing a steroid alternative to his minor league teammates? Papa Rose had actually gotten 8-1 on six months in jail, Charles Barkley had 5-1 on a suspended sentence (after all Rose had plenty of steroid alternatives so distributing them is really not a problem, just an unfortunate habit according to Barkley) and John Daly had 1,000-1 on a punishment that included Rose Jr. having to listen to an in-the-bag Daly tell blatant lies about his gambling exploits while riding in a small lear jet.
"Bench Warmer" What in heck is Sam Perlozzo thinking? Despite being red hot recently, Kid Corey returned to the bench before being called on to pinch hit late in the Orioles loss to Texas. Too busy trying to figure out how the Rangers are using the scoreboard and lights to steal and relay signs at The Ballpark at Arlington, Patterson struck out.***
"Ninth Inning" You know, as I have written this, I have done a lot of thinking about my favorite two words in sports. As most of you know, I love "Championship Week," "March Madness" and "Ohio Valley." Under certain circumstances, I even love "Missouri Valley." But, after thinking about all the possibilities I finally realized the two words in sports guaranteed to get the blood pumping more than any others... Erin Andrews.
You're favorite two words? Post a comment...
"Game Over"
*** Today's Pop Culture Trivia: Who is Paul Edgecomb, who played him and what was the name of his most famous prisioner?
*** Today's (weak) Sports Trivia: Who, in 2005, famously blamed a poor pitching performance against the Rangers on scoreboard enhanced sign stealing at the Ballpark at Arlington?
***Yesterday's Trivia Answers: Krista Allen, (the adorable) Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Kristy Swanson and Heather Locklear. Lara Flynn Boyle who played Wayne's accident-prone ex-girlfriend Stacy and hit her current weight of 43 pounds at age 11.
Okay, well as soon as I realized that for some bizarre reason I was listening to the Score and my radio was not stuck on the 670 AM frequency, I quickly turned over to Mac, Jurko and Harry on ESPN 1000. They were asking what two words in sports really get one's juices flowing. Words like "Super Bowl," "Opening Day" and "Final Four." {Lighbulb goes off in Dan's head}
-- Warning: Not all two-word sports phrases guaranteed to get your juices or anything else flowing...
Let's talk sports...
"Pathetic Crap" I was planning on talking about the Cubs today, but I don't waste my time listening to Celine Dion records or watching Rob Schneider movies, and I'm not going to waste my time talking about them either.
Okay, maybe just a little...(but no matter how much you beg, I'm not watching The Hot Chick)
"Double Play" I have come to the realization that watching the Cubs very may very well stunt my son's academic growth. In fact, if I am not careful, poor little Ryan is going to start thinking that the correct sequential order of arabic numerals is either 6-4-3 or 4-6-3. And I thought Ron Coomer was out of our system.
"Mendoza Line" In the great tradition of Dr. Seuss, every "thing" needs an accomplice. We've got Freddie Bynum cemented as Thing One and I'd like to nominate Neifi Perez and his under the Mendoza Line .167 batting average as Thing Two. Any, no, I do not wish them to play. They should be put in their box and be taken away. The suck real bad. It makes me sad. Without D Lee it's going to be a long May.
"Unearned Runs" Yesterday, I referred to the four runs given up by reliever Roberto Novoa as "runs that will not count against one's ERA" and many of you probably wondered why. The reason is quite simple. Shouldn't we consider penalizing a pitcher's statistics when the error that caused the "unearned runs" was made by the pitcher, himself? Further, what about the fact that after Novoa treated the ball like T.J. Hooker's Officer Stacy Sheridan will treat the annoying ugmo once she gets the hallucinogen out of her system, Novoa proceeded to give up solid base hits to two crappy Pirate hitters?
In my opinion, the official scorer should be granted flexibility in determining what qualifies as an unearned run and what should be counted against the pitcher's ERA. If a pitcher gives up two runs after Leon Durham lets a ground ball go right through his legs, he should be off the hook. If however, the same pitcher follows up a dropped fly ball by Brant Brown by giving up seven more hits, three walks, and two hit batsmen...(a) his name is likely either Gopherball Glendon or Jeff Fassero and (b) at least some of the runs should be earned.
In fact, I believe that the official scorer should, under certain circumstances, also have the right to "choose" which pitcher gets credit for a win. It just doesn't seem right that Neil Cotts can blow a late-inning lead and still get the win because Pablo Ozuna hits the first home run of his major league career (yes, I know that is not factually accurate. I'm just making a point). If a guy blows a lead but his team comes right back and wins the game, he should be ineligible for the win. Just my opinion.
"World Champions" Yes, you read the above correctly. After an avalanche of Cubs talk recently, the Sox were actually referenced in the Random Thoughts! Look, there is really not much to say. They proved to be the best team in baseball last year and they have the look of a champion once again. I guess I could offer an official apology to Scotty Pods for inferring that he was baseball's equivalent to Dexy's Midnight Runners. I suppose I could comment on how Jon Garland is looking a lot more like the Cubs' version of Jason Bere than the pre-surgey Sox version. I imagine that I could talk about Jose Uribe's inhumanly oversized ass, hope that Tail Chaser Anderson is having more luck in the bars than he is at the plate (.141 average), or question how close Jose Contreras really is to becoming eligible for Wendy's 50-cent senior citizen cup of coffee (if he's really 34 years old, I'm only 16). But, all I'll say is that this is a team that is exceptionally good. It has gotten to the point where, no matter what happens in the first six or seven innings, you have the feeling that the Sox will somehow go on to win the game. Pablo Ozuna's first career home run to tie yesterday's game with two outs in the bottom of the ninth is just the latest example.
"You're Fired!" No, I cannot believe that the Houston Texans drafted Sam Bowie either. If I'm general manager Charlie Casserly, I'm updating my resume and checking out how good I look in the green apron of a Starbucks' barrista.
"Rock Chalk" Wayne Simien was still available. So was Raef LaFrentz. I believe Eric Chenowith could have been persuaded to leave his job stocking diapers and shampoo at the Lawrence, Kansas Wal-Mart if the Bears' had only asked. But, ultimately the Monsters of the Midway elected to bypass youth (Simien), softness (LaFrentz), and an utter lack of talent (Chenowith), and go with the experience of Danny Manning.
"Agressive Athlete?" I'm sorry, but who exactly is Danieal Manning and why did the Bears draft him? It's hard to criticize him as a player seeing that I know as much about him as I know about the theatre scene in Bangladesh (look, I can't be all things to all people). I can only hope that he doesn't have the flabby, unshapen arms of his namesake and that the extra "a" in his name stands for "athletic" or "agressive" and not "awful." I suppose I can also hope that he learned a lot from teammates Sneezy Beltran and Azzie Beagnyam (once again, I don't make this stuff up!). Is the real nickname of alma mater Albilene Christian the Wildcats of the Dwarfs?
"Just Win" The rest of the Bears' draft was non-descript for me. I have never heard of any of the draftees, save a "way-in-the-back-of-my-mind-back-where-names-like-Mike-Vail-and-Paul-Noce-live" recognition of wide receiver Devin Hester. I do know that they are getting a guy who you would not want to meet in a dark alley in fomer Oklahoma defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek. Although he apparently has cleaned up his act, Dusty was once kicked off the team by Sooner coach Bob Stoops and underwent substantial alcohol and anger management counseling (good for him for trying to take care of the problem). Still, you would have to think that such a background is a major red flag.
With the drafting of Dvoracek and the free agent signing of Denny's terrorizer Ricky Manning Jr. one has to wonder in what direction the Bears are heading. Are we looking at the new Raiders of the NFL? Can Lawrence Phillips be far behind? Should we trade for current Chiefs' kicker and nightclub bouncer nose-breaker Lawrence Tynes? Has Theo Fleury been let out of the nut house yet and can he play a little defensive back? Are we better off with prison guard Paul Edgecomb*** on the team's staff than Chico Rivera?
"Tight-end Touchdown!" Many Bears' fans are upset that the team did not draft a tight end and will apparently go into next season once again relying on Desmond Clark. My gut reaction is to bring back Jim Thornton. With the addition of Manning Jr. and Dusty, Robocop could serve two purposes.
Actually, I kind of feel as though failing to draft a tight end is not such a bad thing. I mean, just wait a couple of months and there will be plenty of out-of-work ex-college basketball players who don't really want to go to the NBDL or play for the Lisbon Lions in the premier Portuguese league. How about the aforementioned Danny Manning, the current Director of Student-Athlete Development/ Team Manager for Team Voldemort? Think he truly enjoys working with Peter Pettigrew and Barty Crouch Jr? How about James Augustine? They will eat him alive in Macedonia (Hey, I promised to stop talking about Dee, not all ex-Illini!).
What exactly is it with all the ex-basketball players trying to become tight ends? Yes, Antonio Gates has had tremendous success in San Diego and, yes, Tony Gonzalez did play basketball at Cal, but c'mon. First former UConn Huskies hoopster Ed Nelson announces that he is available to play TE and then ex-George Mason big man Jai Lewis signs a contract with the New York Football Giants. I do not know about you, but if I am an NFL player personnel executive, I'm passing on Marco Killingsworth and looking for a guy who, you know, actually played tight end in college. Unless, of course, his name is John Allred, Alonzo Mayes, Keith Jennings or Chris Gedney. Crap...where's Greg Ostertag's phone number?
"Heisman Trophy" Regardless of what he says publicly, you have got to believe that Reggie Bush is disappointed as having been drafted behind Sam Bowie. I know that Casserly claims that he was selecting the player that fit the Texans' most pressing need (and wasn't it I, who last Friday commented on how teams should not be afraid to take the player that they really want), but when your team is a combined 18-46 in its four-year history (including 2-14 in 2005), you have a lot of needs. Current tailback Dominack Davis is a nice player and its arguable that a running back has about as much chance of success running behind the Texans' o-line as Quiet Riot has in making a glorious rock-n-roll comeback, but, as Yoda says, regret this...you will.
Bush cannot be as disappointed as Matt Leinart, though. One year ago, Leinart was the Heisman Trophy winner and the consensus #1 pick in the draft. Yet, Leinart returned to USC for his senior season and ended up with a loss in the National Championship and a ticket to Arizona as the #10 pick in the draft. By the way, the only "academic" class Matt took during the 2006 school year? Ballroom Dancing. That may be the most expensive class in the history of college academia.
At this point, Joakim Noah can only hope that Joakim is not French for Leinart.
"Foul Ball" Did anyone see that Pete Rose Jr. was recently sentenced to one month in prison for distributing a steroid alternative to his minor league teammates? Papa Rose had actually gotten 8-1 on six months in jail, Charles Barkley had 5-1 on a suspended sentence (after all Rose had plenty of steroid alternatives so distributing them is really not a problem, just an unfortunate habit according to Barkley) and John Daly had 1,000-1 on a punishment that included Rose Jr. having to listen to an in-the-bag Daly tell blatant lies about his gambling exploits while riding in a small lear jet.
"Bench Warmer" What in heck is Sam Perlozzo thinking? Despite being red hot recently, Kid Corey returned to the bench before being called on to pinch hit late in the Orioles loss to Texas. Too busy trying to figure out how the Rangers are using the scoreboard and lights to steal and relay signs at The Ballpark at Arlington, Patterson struck out.***
"Ninth Inning" You know, as I have written this, I have done a lot of thinking about my favorite two words in sports. As most of you know, I love "Championship Week," "March Madness" and "Ohio Valley." Under certain circumstances, I even love "Missouri Valley." But, after thinking about all the possibilities I finally realized the two words in sports guaranteed to get the blood pumping more than any others... Erin Andrews.
You're favorite two words? Post a comment...
"Game Over"
*** Today's Pop Culture Trivia: Who is Paul Edgecomb, who played him and what was the name of his most famous prisioner?
*** Today's (weak) Sports Trivia: Who, in 2005, famously blamed a poor pitching performance against the Rangers on scoreboard enhanced sign stealing at the Ballpark at Arlington?
***Yesterday's Trivia Answers: Krista Allen, (the adorable) Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Kristy Swanson and Heather Locklear. Lara Flynn Boyle who played Wayne's accident-prone ex-girlfriend Stacy and hit her current weight of 43 pounds at age 11.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
He Also Dated Helen Gamble
Eventually, every team shows its true colors and I fear that the last four days we have seen the "real" Chicago Cubs. If not for the fine pitching of Sean Marshall and the clutch hitting of the Cubs' best player, Weasley, this team would likely be on a four-game slide. Things are so bad, that in the last four games, the Cubs have been outscored 34-4 and it took a pair of two-out, back-to-back singles in the bottom of yesterday's ninth innning to raise the Cubs' hit total during that span to a measley 24 (in fact, if you take last Friday's offensive "explosion" out of the equation -- 13 hits --, the Cubs have only 37 hits in their last seven games!).
And it is not just the fact that they are losing, but the way that they are playing. Two walks, a hit batsman, and a wild pitch = Pirates 2, Cubs 0. Five innings later with the game still reasonably in reach, four "runs that will not count against one's ERA" crossed the plate when relief pitcher Roberto Novoa treated the baseball like Julia Roberts treated Lyle Lovett when she realized that she was married to...well, Lyle Lovett.
Yes, Lyle, it's ugly right now and I'm not convinced that it is going to get better any time soon. With Aramis having suddenly turned into a modern-day Steve Buechele at the plate (you thought I was going to say Shane Andrews, didn't you?) the Cubs will be lucky to put four runs on the board in any given game. I suppose the real test comes tomorrow night when they get to face old friend Juan Cruz. Note to the geniuses in blue...any Cub fan will tell you that Juan can be as wild as Tara Reid on a post-Carson Daly bender, so let him walk you! Of course, that means that Einstein Jones and Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. will likely hack at the first pitch. That's okay Dusty, no need to move your lazy butt off the bench and...I don't know...manage. Heck, I'd hate to see you lose your reputation as a "player's manager."
Things are not much better on the mound, unless your name is Greg Maddux, Sean Marshall, Ryan Dempster, or you used to pitch out of the White Sox bullpen. Big Z can't throw strikes and acts like a three-year old who is not allowed any more candy. Angel Guzman and Jerome Williams apparently are disciples of the Rick Ankiel school of throwing strikes (in other words they throw strikes about as often as a Stevie Wonder does at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama). Gopherball Glendon (hey, look at that...you got yourself a nickname!) has given up an unbelievable 11 home runs in 22 innings (by comparison, he gave up 24 HR in 275 innings in the last two years combined). He's turning into baseball's version of Paris Hilton (everyone scores!!!). There is a reason that David Aardsma's name starts with "double A" (maybe Mark Prior can change his name to Dlior). I am not even going to mention Will Oh-Man!
Look, I really hate to be so negative. I really do. But I'm like Dick Bevetta or any other NBA ref...I call em' like I see em'. Wait a minute, I meant to say that I am like Steve Stone, not an NBA ref. If I was like an NBA ref, I'd call em' however the heck David Stern and the fine folks at ABC/ ESPN have instructed me to call them (more on that conspiracy theory later).
Of course, if I was truly like Steve Stone, I'd call em' like I see em' until Kent Mercker threatens to punch my face in and then I'd turn into a scapegoat, clearing the way for Bob Brenly to begin writing the Random Thoughts. Can you imagine that? The RT would read worse than it did when I was trying to extrort money out of all of you dedicated readers. In fact, I believe I found Brenly's current blog titled "Obvious Observations" ("The Cubs need to score more runs than the Diamondbacks tonight. You score more runs by hitting the ball. Of course, you need to get base hits. Otherwise you will be out.") Uh huh.
So...I am returning to the unpleasant land of negativity and for the third time, I will restate my belief regarding where this is all headed. Juan Pierre will be wearing a different uniform come July 31 and teams that are reasonably in contention do not trade their leadoff man. We can only hope the same can be said for Hairston and Rusch.
At least we can still count on Frank the Tank (see 4/26 drio comment) for a little fun. During last Saturday's rain delay, while his teammates were probably cowering in the corner of the Cubs dugout at the thought of facing another left-handed pitcher (guys...it's Chris Capuano, not Sandy Koufax), Frank the Tank was sitting in the Wrigley Field seats signing autographs for the fans. Very, very cool move. It reminds me of when Cincinnati Reds' goofball pitcher Tom Browning showed up during a game on a Sheffield Avenue Rooftop. Baseball needs more Brownings and Dempsters (and Michael Barretts) and less overpaid prima donnas (yes, I am talking to you, Mark Dlior).
Interesting question...what would happen if Gopherball Glendon did get traded and had to face the Cubs? Possibly the worst left-handed pitcher in the league (last I checked Micah Bowie was no longer in the majors, but Shawn Estes is still hanging around San Diego to give Gopherball Glendon a run for his money), faces a team that has had about as much success hitting left-handed pitching as The Michael Richards Show had in spinning off of Seinfeld. It would be a classic battle. Rusty LaRue playing one-on-one versus Dragan Tarlac. Tom Floyd trying to coach Jamal Crawford. Henry Burris competing in the "Great Quarterback Challenge" versus Moses Moreno. Someone would have to be successful...
What other famous matchups can you think of (where someone mercifully has to be the winner). Post a comment!
Speaking of Mark Dlior, anyone know whether he is still alive? The reports on Wood are good (yesterday he pitched five innings of one-hit ball and is ready for a Class A start on Sunday -- and, no, he was not facing the that thing Freddie Bynum and the rest of the Cubs' "sluggers"). The reports on Wade Miller are not so good (I saw a report that he had a setback and has been shut down for a couple of weeks). But what about Dlior? There hasn't really been any news at all. Can we at least get a simulated report on his condition?
At this point, I'm putting the over/ under on his return at the All-Star Break...
Corey-o-Meter: Since our last report, Kid Corey has continued his hot streak. Since last Friday, he is 6-18 with another HR and stolen base, two runs and four RBI. No jokes here. Just solid baseball. Season: Since April 22, Kid Corey is 12-26 and has raised his season average from .156 to .293. But, don't worry Cubs' fans. Einstein Jones is going to get hot any day now.
There are certain things that may not be fair in sports, but that everyone should simply learn to live with because they are not going to go away. The Bears are unlikely to ever have a decent quarterback. Ken Harrelson, Darrin Jackson and Chris Singleton will continue to get paid (well) for butchering White Sox games on TV and the radio while the rest of us file motions, crunch numbers and perform other menial tasks. David Spade will continue to score hot babe after hot babe despite being a squirmy little ugmo. Okay, I just can't just let that one go with asking an unanswerable question. Can someone, anyone, please explain to me how that little sh*t has reportedly landed the chick from the Emmanuelle in Space soft-core films, the adorable girl from the underrated TV show Ed, Susan Meyer aka Lois Lane, Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the movie (ahhh...the second Luke Perry film reference in the history of the Random Thoughts!), and now vixen Amanda Woodward? *** This doesn't make any frickin' sense, people!!!
Okay, where was I...oh yeah, things that are not fair, but are not going to change. Look, I may not like it. You may not like it. Jeff Van Gundy and Jerry Sloan certainly did not like it in the late 90's. But, in my opinion, the reality is that the officiating in the NBA is likely controlled (to some extent) by a pre-determined plan to advance certain teams. Am I claiming that the officiating unequivocally wins and loses games? Not necessarily. But, I believe that it does have an effect and can nudge a team in the right direction. Michael, Scottie and the Bulls were the prime beneficiaries of the reality then and marquee players like Dwyane Wade, Shaq and Kobe are the beneficiaries now.
The officiating is simply too predictable. You knew that the Bulls' big men would face immediate foul trouble last night. It was only natural. In fact, there are numerous occasions during a game when, depending on its flow, I can easily predict that a foul will be called on a certain team (Random Thoughts commenter thewife can verify this -- unless she is still mad at me for carousing about with Random Thoughts commenter thegirlfriend, then she will deny the whole thing). I have complained about this on the college level and in many respects it is even worse in the NBA.
That said, the officiating, in no way, cost the Bulls last night. It was a simple matter of untimely turnovers and missed open shots. Nobody is going to argue that the Bulls go as their outside shooting goes and last night, Hinrich, Gordon and Deng didn't remind anyone of Larry Bird. I also cringe at the suggestion that the Heat turned up the defensive pressure. Yes, the Heat played better than they had in games 3 and 4, but Antonie Walker still treats the guy he is guarding as if he has leprosy and Shaq still does not want to play the dribbler off the pick and roll, leaving the Bulls' guards with a bucketload of uncontested shots. Hey, sometimes they just don't fall.
More discouraging were the unforced turnovers. I fashion myself a Captain Kirk and Ben Gordon fan (despite my continual insistance that they are tradeable if the right deal comes along), but, over the course of the last 87 games, I do not think that I have ever seen players dribble the ball off thier feet (and shins and knees and thighs) that much in my life. And a quick note to Ben...you are correct that Tyson Chandler wasn't paying attention when you tried to zip him those two passes, but since he cannot score anyway, why even bother passing him the ball?
I believe that the Bulls are likely to win tommorrow night's game in the UC, but will eventually wither in the Heat of game seven (but at least they will get one last chance to hang out on South Beach for a few more days).
Finally, it is nice to see that fans are actually attending the games in Miami (and it is especially nice to see many of the female fans in the crowd, if you catch my drift). Heaven knows, they can't seem to pry Floridians away from jai alai contests, oversized outlet malls, and gator rasslin' to get them to watch baseball. On Monday night, 7,295 people came out to watch whether Devil Ray catcher Josh Paul will once again get duped by a strikeout victim who "cheats" by running to first base when he is clearly out (or maybe they all were members of the Gary Matthews Jr. fan club -- the Rays were playing Sarge Jr's Rangers). On the same night, 6,017 bored souls made their way to Pro Joe Dolphin Player Robbie Park Stadium to watch Joe Borowski sweat in the bullpen and Todd Wellemeyer pitch a scoreless innning in relief against the Phillies. For those of you not cool enough to have one of those snazzy black watches with the calculators on them (what do you mean those have not been cool since 1983? Don't tell me Swatches are not fashionable either? Even with the Swatch Guard?), that's a total of 13,312 fans at the two games. Of course, at the same time, there were precisely 22,753 New York and Canadian transplants lined up outside Grandma Annie's in West Palm Beach hoping to catch the $4.95 early bird special before going home to call their children to incessantly badger them about never coming to visit and for failing to produce a grandchild. Such is life in South Florida.
--- I fully realize that I have yet to give you my opinion on Tyler Reed and J.D. Runnels. Expect a full review tomorrow or Friday.
***Pop Culture Trivia: What are the real names of the annoying ugmo's five alleged love interests? Bonus: Which ugmo gal pal is referenced in the title? Ultra-Bonus: What character did she play in the movie Wayne's World? Mega-Super-Fantastic Bonus: How old was she when she achieved her current weight of 43 pounds?
And it is not just the fact that they are losing, but the way that they are playing. Two walks, a hit batsman, and a wild pitch = Pirates 2, Cubs 0. Five innings later with the game still reasonably in reach, four "runs that will not count against one's ERA" crossed the plate when relief pitcher Roberto Novoa treated the baseball like Julia Roberts treated Lyle Lovett when she realized that she was married to...well, Lyle Lovett.
Yes, Lyle, it's ugly right now and I'm not convinced that it is going to get better any time soon. With Aramis having suddenly turned into a modern-day Steve Buechele at the plate (you thought I was going to say Shane Andrews, didn't you?) the Cubs will be lucky to put four runs on the board in any given game. I suppose the real test comes tomorrow night when they get to face old friend Juan Cruz. Note to the geniuses in blue...any Cub fan will tell you that Juan can be as wild as Tara Reid on a post-Carson Daly bender, so let him walk you! Of course, that means that Einstein Jones and Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. will likely hack at the first pitch. That's okay Dusty, no need to move your lazy butt off the bench and...I don't know...manage. Heck, I'd hate to see you lose your reputation as a "player's manager."
Things are not much better on the mound, unless your name is Greg Maddux, Sean Marshall, Ryan Dempster, or you used to pitch out of the White Sox bullpen. Big Z can't throw strikes and acts like a three-year old who is not allowed any more candy. Angel Guzman and Jerome Williams apparently are disciples of the Rick Ankiel school of throwing strikes (in other words they throw strikes about as often as a Stevie Wonder does at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama). Gopherball Glendon (hey, look at that...you got yourself a nickname!) has given up an unbelievable 11 home runs in 22 innings (by comparison, he gave up 24 HR in 275 innings in the last two years combined). He's turning into baseball's version of Paris Hilton (everyone scores!!!). There is a reason that David Aardsma's name starts with "double A" (maybe Mark Prior can change his name to Dlior). I am not even going to mention Will Oh-Man!
Look, I really hate to be so negative. I really do. But I'm like Dick Bevetta or any other NBA ref...I call em' like I see em'. Wait a minute, I meant to say that I am like Steve Stone, not an NBA ref. If I was like an NBA ref, I'd call em' however the heck David Stern and the fine folks at ABC/ ESPN have instructed me to call them (more on that conspiracy theory later).
Of course, if I was truly like Steve Stone, I'd call em' like I see em' until Kent Mercker threatens to punch my face in and then I'd turn into a scapegoat, clearing the way for Bob Brenly to begin writing the Random Thoughts. Can you imagine that? The RT would read worse than it did when I was trying to extrort money out of all of you dedicated readers. In fact, I believe I found Brenly's current blog titled "Obvious Observations" ("The Cubs need to score more runs than the Diamondbacks tonight. You score more runs by hitting the ball. Of course, you need to get base hits. Otherwise you will be out.") Uh huh.
So...I am returning to the unpleasant land of negativity and for the third time, I will restate my belief regarding where this is all headed. Juan Pierre will be wearing a different uniform come July 31 and teams that are reasonably in contention do not trade their leadoff man. We can only hope the same can be said for Hairston and Rusch.
At least we can still count on Frank the Tank (see 4/26 drio comment) for a little fun. During last Saturday's rain delay, while his teammates were probably cowering in the corner of the Cubs dugout at the thought of facing another left-handed pitcher (guys...it's Chris Capuano, not Sandy Koufax), Frank the Tank was sitting in the Wrigley Field seats signing autographs for the fans. Very, very cool move. It reminds me of when Cincinnati Reds' goofball pitcher Tom Browning showed up during a game on a Sheffield Avenue Rooftop. Baseball needs more Brownings and Dempsters (and Michael Barretts) and less overpaid prima donnas (yes, I am talking to you, Mark Dlior).
Interesting question...what would happen if Gopherball Glendon did get traded and had to face the Cubs? Possibly the worst left-handed pitcher in the league (last I checked Micah Bowie was no longer in the majors, but Shawn Estes is still hanging around San Diego to give Gopherball Glendon a run for his money), faces a team that has had about as much success hitting left-handed pitching as The Michael Richards Show had in spinning off of Seinfeld. It would be a classic battle. Rusty LaRue playing one-on-one versus Dragan Tarlac. Tom Floyd trying to coach Jamal Crawford. Henry Burris competing in the "Great Quarterback Challenge" versus Moses Moreno. Someone would have to be successful...
What other famous matchups can you think of (where someone mercifully has to be the winner). Post a comment!
Speaking of Mark Dlior, anyone know whether he is still alive? The reports on Wood are good (yesterday he pitched five innings of one-hit ball and is ready for a Class A start on Sunday -- and, no, he was not facing the that thing Freddie Bynum and the rest of the Cubs' "sluggers"). The reports on Wade Miller are not so good (I saw a report that he had a setback and has been shut down for a couple of weeks). But what about Dlior? There hasn't really been any news at all. Can we at least get a simulated report on his condition?
At this point, I'm putting the over/ under on his return at the All-Star Break...
Corey-o-Meter: Since our last report, Kid Corey has continued his hot streak. Since last Friday, he is 6-18 with another HR and stolen base, two runs and four RBI. No jokes here. Just solid baseball. Season: Since April 22, Kid Corey is 12-26 and has raised his season average from .156 to .293. But, don't worry Cubs' fans. Einstein Jones is going to get hot any day now.
There are certain things that may not be fair in sports, but that everyone should simply learn to live with because they are not going to go away. The Bears are unlikely to ever have a decent quarterback. Ken Harrelson, Darrin Jackson and Chris Singleton will continue to get paid (well) for butchering White Sox games on TV and the radio while the rest of us file motions, crunch numbers and perform other menial tasks. David Spade will continue to score hot babe after hot babe despite being a squirmy little ugmo. Okay, I just can't just let that one go with asking an unanswerable question. Can someone, anyone, please explain to me how that little sh*t has reportedly landed the chick from the Emmanuelle in Space soft-core films, the adorable girl from the underrated TV show Ed, Susan Meyer aka Lois Lane, Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the movie (ahhh...the second Luke Perry film reference in the history of the Random Thoughts!), and now vixen Amanda Woodward? *** This doesn't make any frickin' sense, people!!!
Okay, where was I...oh yeah, things that are not fair, but are not going to change. Look, I may not like it. You may not like it. Jeff Van Gundy and Jerry Sloan certainly did not like it in the late 90's. But, in my opinion, the reality is that the officiating in the NBA is likely controlled (to some extent) by a pre-determined plan to advance certain teams. Am I claiming that the officiating unequivocally wins and loses games? Not necessarily. But, I believe that it does have an effect and can nudge a team in the right direction. Michael, Scottie and the Bulls were the prime beneficiaries of the reality then and marquee players like Dwyane Wade, Shaq and Kobe are the beneficiaries now.
The officiating is simply too predictable. You knew that the Bulls' big men would face immediate foul trouble last night. It was only natural. In fact, there are numerous occasions during a game when, depending on its flow, I can easily predict that a foul will be called on a certain team (Random Thoughts commenter thewife can verify this -- unless she is still mad at me for carousing about with Random Thoughts commenter thegirlfriend, then she will deny the whole thing). I have complained about this on the college level and in many respects it is even worse in the NBA.
That said, the officiating, in no way, cost the Bulls last night. It was a simple matter of untimely turnovers and missed open shots. Nobody is going to argue that the Bulls go as their outside shooting goes and last night, Hinrich, Gordon and Deng didn't remind anyone of Larry Bird. I also cringe at the suggestion that the Heat turned up the defensive pressure. Yes, the Heat played better than they had in games 3 and 4, but Antonie Walker still treats the guy he is guarding as if he has leprosy and Shaq still does not want to play the dribbler off the pick and roll, leaving the Bulls' guards with a bucketload of uncontested shots. Hey, sometimes they just don't fall.
More discouraging were the unforced turnovers. I fashion myself a Captain Kirk and Ben Gordon fan (despite my continual insistance that they are tradeable if the right deal comes along), but, over the course of the last 87 games, I do not think that I have ever seen players dribble the ball off thier feet (and shins and knees and thighs) that much in my life. And a quick note to Ben...you are correct that Tyson Chandler wasn't paying attention when you tried to zip him those two passes, but since he cannot score anyway, why even bother passing him the ball?
I believe that the Bulls are likely to win tommorrow night's game in the UC, but will eventually wither in the Heat of game seven (but at least they will get one last chance to hang out on South Beach for a few more days).
Finally, it is nice to see that fans are actually attending the games in Miami (and it is especially nice to see many of the female fans in the crowd, if you catch my drift). Heaven knows, they can't seem to pry Floridians away from jai alai contests, oversized outlet malls, and gator rasslin' to get them to watch baseball. On Monday night, 7,295 people came out to watch whether Devil Ray catcher Josh Paul will once again get duped by a strikeout victim who "cheats" by running to first base when he is clearly out (or maybe they all were members of the Gary Matthews Jr. fan club -- the Rays were playing Sarge Jr's Rangers). On the same night, 6,017 bored souls made their way to Pro Joe Dolphin Player Robbie Park Stadium to watch Joe Borowski sweat in the bullpen and Todd Wellemeyer pitch a scoreless innning in relief against the Phillies. For those of you not cool enough to have one of those snazzy black watches with the calculators on them (what do you mean those have not been cool since 1983? Don't tell me Swatches are not fashionable either? Even with the Swatch Guard?), that's a total of 13,312 fans at the two games. Of course, at the same time, there were precisely 22,753 New York and Canadian transplants lined up outside Grandma Annie's in West Palm Beach hoping to catch the $4.95 early bird special before going home to call their children to incessantly badger them about never coming to visit and for failing to produce a grandchild. Such is life in South Florida.
--- I fully realize that I have yet to give you my opinion on Tyler Reed and J.D. Runnels. Expect a full review tomorrow or Friday.
***Pop Culture Trivia: What are the real names of the annoying ugmo's five alleged love interests? Bonus: Which ugmo gal pal is referenced in the title? Ultra-Bonus: What character did she play in the movie Wayne's World? Mega-Super-Fantastic Bonus: How old was she when she achieved her current weight of 43 pounds?
Cheap Bastards...
Brewers kicked Cub butt. Ugly. Weasley is the best player on the team. The Adventures of Baron von Munchausen. White Sox win. Bears drafted a bunch of guys I have never heard of. Heat freakin' out. Shaq. Pat Benatar says "Love is a Battlefield." Bye Bye.
I warned you...
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I warned you...
Please subscribe to be an RT Insider to read more. $$$ (hint, hint, click on the link...)
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