As I sit here awaiting tonight's Bears-Rams game on ESPN Presents ESPN's Monday Night Football on ESPN (Sponsored by ESPN), I cannot help but feel a little uneasy. Why, you ask? Well, for starters let me assure you that I'm fairly certain that my trepidation is not the result of my having sat here all day wondering what exactly Tori Spelling was selling at her "Everything Must Go Estate Sale" (technically titled the "Tori Spelling Dazzling Studio City Estate Sale," although I suspect that if there was enough money to be made, the suits at the leader in sports programming would have retitled it "ESPN's Come On By Tori's House and Buy Clippings From Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh's Sideburns, Shannen Doherty's 'Angry Young Actresses' Membership Card, and, Of Course, a 'Donna Graduates' T-Shirt' on ESPN (Sponsored By ESPN)" show, although I was a little freaked out when I heard that one fan walked away with a $20 domanatrix leather whip.
So David Silver likes it a little rough, eh?
No. Truth be told, I am awfully nervous about tonight's Bears game. I certainly do not doubt that the Bears are a better team, yet, I cannot help but get the feeling that the Rams are going to surprise a few people tonight. This is a (warning...sports cliche' ahead) classic "trap game" and I fear that when we wake up tomorrow morning, the Bears' record will sit at 10-3. Why? Let's take a look...
1. Rex the Wonder Dog is still the Bears' quarterback. I personally don't think that any further explanation is necessary, but, for those of you who are new to the RT and, therefore, have not had the pleasure of listening to me warn everyone for the last 15 months that the Bears may be better off with Rex Chapman, Rex Banner, or the Reagan's family dog behind center than Grossman... well, let's just say that Vegas is now taking the following proposition bets:
- What will be higher? Grossman interceptions or the number of times Tony Romo is mentioned and promoted for the Hall of Fame during the first thirty seconds of the broadcast?
- What will be higher? Number of times Grossman hits an offensive lineman in the back of the head with a pass or number of times Tony Kornheiser bitch-slaps Joe Thiesmann in the booth during the game?
- What will be higher? Grossman's quarterback rating or his blood alcohol level after the game.
Just for the record, last Sunday, reports indicate that Rex's BAC outpaced his QB rating 1.75 to 1.3 and now he gets to spend the night of the land of Budweiser. Uh oh. Better warn the Clydesdales.
2. Tommie Harris will no longer be commanding a double-team. That's on the field. What he does after the game is his own business.
The truth is that Harris' absence is likely to have a ripple effect on the entire defense and while I am fairly certain that Chico Rivera and the defense will eventually figure out a scheme that works, there is likely to be an adjustment period. Harris' absence means that the Rams' offensive line can focus more on Alex Brown and Adewale on the ends and the linebacking corps will not be as free to roam the middle of the field. You can't just take a key member out of the lineup and expect there not to be a dropoff. I mean, even Beverly Hills 90210 struggled a little after Brenda left for London and the show did not really regain its footing until Kelly Kopowski joined the cast after realizing that her only other option was to go the Jessie Spano route and dance at the Cheetah Club.
3. Where is the team's focus? Look, I do not pretend to be a Bears' Insider (I won't pay the fee even if the team will send me exclusive pictures of Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones having a "friendly" lockerroom chat, or an authentic Soldier Field turnstile autographed by Fred Miller just for signing up) and so I cannot definitively say that the team's focus is not completely on the game, but how can it be? For the past week the team has been inundated with questions about Rex and whether Brian Griese is a better option, how the team will respond without Tommie, whether the team needs to consider asking Shaun Gayle and Mike Richardson to come out of retirement now that the secondary is so thin, and why in the world Andrea Zuckerman actually thought she has a shot at landing Brandon. Football requires tunnel-vison-like focus and I am concerned that the Bears are not ready.
And if I see Paris Hilton anywhere near the Edward Jones Dome, I'm betting everything I have on the Rams.
By the way, anyone wonder who the "let's annoy the heck out of the people who are actually paying attention to the game by asking [insert name of random booth-guest HERE] inane and pointless questions about what he/she thinks of Tony Romo's performance this year" guest will be tonight? I mean, it's St. Louis. Tony LaRussa? The ghost of Mark Twain? Martin St. Louis?
4. The Rams ought to play with a sense of desperation. The Rams have not been a particularily good football team this year, yet, thanks to the incredible mediocrity in the NFC, they are still in the hunt for a playoff berth. And with players like Steven Jackson, Torry Holt, Marc Bulger and Merlin Olsen (just want to see if you are paying attention), nobody can doubt that the team does have talent. Anyone remember the Charlestown Chiefs? If there is anything that Paul Newman has taught us, besides the fact that it is possible to make a really tasty low-fat sesame ginger salad dressing, it is that desperate teams with talent can be awfully dangerous.
So, will the Bears lose? Look, I do not pretend to be one of those guys who has magically acquired last-second all-important information that makes my pick in tonight's game the "lock of the year." And I do not advertise my football-game picking acumen during both the "Let's Listen to Dab McNeil Criticize Everything the Cubs Do, While Jurko Tries to Pretend That He Was Actually a Decent NFL Player, Instead of Croatia's Answer to Paul Grasmanis, and Harry Tries to Convince Everyone Both That Devon Hester Deserves a Statue in Grant Park and That White People Name Their Sons Reggie" show and the 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour Featuring Boers and Bernstein, so I will not go Rasheed Wallace on you and make a guarantee. But let me remind you that the red flags are there
Ultimately, I am a Bears fan and so I will go with the Monsters of the Midway to win 20-17. But, let's remember the famous words of Smooth Jimmy Apollo who reminded fans that when you are right 52% of the time, you are also wrong 48% of the time.
Gotta go. I hear Tori just put Steve Sanders' leftover steroids on e-bay and I've gotta beat Barry and Sammy to the punch...
Go Bears!
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5 comments:
TD/Ints- I don't do stats. I'm the "Dennis Miller" of RT commentators...
The Bears have an incredible defense, but the inconsistency of Rex the Wonder Dog always makes me think that the Bears are walking on eggs. I am totally perplexed why Rex is still behind center. I think that Lovie is taking pointers from the agent who decided that it was a good idea to give the lead in Firestorm to Howie Long. I don’t think that Rex got the memo that the season goes beyond October. Or maybe Lovie is a genius and is playing Rex to let the defense get a few blows on the sideline (RT did mention that Paris Hilton may be there) and back on the field as quickly as possible.
What, no discussions about the Cubs acquiring one of the most prolific hitting pitchers of this century? So what if Jason Marquis has an ERA even higher than his batting average - if Dave Duncan and Leo Mazzone cannot fix him surely Larry Rothschild can. Right.
(I surprised you, didn't I!)
Sexy Rexy is back folks!!! Who knows how far this team can go? The NFC is pretty pathetic, although it certainly looks as though Mr. Brees wants a bust in Canton of late he has been just as inconsistent as Rex, just not with the massive fluctuations. My pick- Bears represent the NFC in Miami.
Loved the way Wonder Dog played last night, loved the "Untouchable One," Devin Hester, but here's my question. How far will the Bears get in the playoffs if Rex has one of his "off days" and the defense plays like they did last night? They couldn't stop the run and they couldn't stop the pass. That's never going to work if Rex returns to his turnover ways.
If the Bears lose their first playoff game, the city of Chicago will turn on Rex like Donna turned on David when she found out he got lucky with that music promoter in the back of the limo.
Well, unfortunately I had to work last night until 11 p.m. so I missed the entire game (at least live). Although I do believe that there was a Deion Sanders sighting at the game last night - wasn't that his high-step dance that Hester performed after his first return?
As for the defense, I am optimistic that we will still get Todd Johnson and Nathan Vasher back to complete health in time for the playoffs so Mr. Hester does not have to play DB too often - let's recognize his strengths and weaknesses. Also, if our running game continues to get stronger the defense will need to be on the field even less - which should improve their play.
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