This Post Is Supposed to Be Good

"We'll win this game. You can take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game. I'm just saying, when we play the way we're supposed to play, we're supposed to win. That's what I'm saying. We're supposed to win." -- Roy Williams, Big Mouth and Joe Namath Wanna-Be, Detroit Lions.

So, Roy Williams has essentially guaranteed that if the Lions play like they are supposed to, Detroit is certain to walk out of the Lakefront Space Vehicle Formally Known As Soldier Field with a victory over the Bears on Sunday. Well, you know what? While at first glance, Williams' claim seems as ridiculous as the idea of Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office, upon further review, I actually agree with what he has said. And, no, I have neither lost my mind nor have inside information that Detroit President Matt Millen is about to trade QB Jon Kitna, RB Kevin Jones, and #2 WR Corey Bradford for Peyton Manning, LaDainian Tomlinson and Rod Tidwell.

My agreement with Williams' statements is based solely on the precise words that Roy choose to use. Williams commented that if the Lions play the way that they are supposed to play, they will win the game. Not the way that they are capable of playing. Not the way they can be reasonably exepected to play. No, the way that they are supposed to play.

Well, take a second and really think about it. In general, does Detroit coach Rod Marinelli call running plays for Kevin Jones that are designed to gain two lousy yards? (Yes, I know there are goal line packages and all that, smart ass, I said "in general"). When offensive coordinator Mike Martz calls for 15-yard cross out pattern is Jon Kitna supposed to overthrow his receiver or is the receiver supposed to catch a perfectly thrown pass, spin off his defender and take it to the house? Does now-banished defensive line coach Joe Cullen put his pants back on after picking up a frosty and biggie fries at Wendy's and then go and tell Shaun Rogers that it is okay if the opposing runner gains six yards on a simple off-tackle run? I think not. In fact, I think that such a play, if the defense executes like they are supposed to, is expected to result in a six-yard loss.

The bottom line is that every offensive drive is supposed to end with a touchdown. Every defensive stand is supposed to result in a punt on 4th and 36. Every punt and kickoff is supposed to be returned for a TD. And every night after the game is supposed to end up with the head cheerleader and her favorite understudy making ample use of their gymnastics background and acting out everyone's favorite scenes from 9 1/2 weeks.

So, of course, the Lions will win the game if they play like they are supposed to. Of course, if things always worked out like they are supposed to, I would be hosting my own sports show on ESPN Radio, Mark Silverman and Carmen DeFalco would be asking whether you would like fries with that and demanding that the aforementioned coach Cullen put his panties back on before handing him his bacon deluxe burger and, instead of getting absolutely crushed by a gang of oncoming defenders, Lucas would have returned the punt for a touchdown and kept running until he was safely secluded in the President's Suite at the Hyatt Regency Oakbrook, sharing a hot fudge sundae with Kerri Green's character Maggie, before putting Barry White in the CD player and really getting down to business. And you can bet that there would have been absolutely no cicadas involved.

The problem is that Williams has apparently forgotten that the Lions' offense sucks (So Roy, the Lions, who scored a total of six points, left 40 points on the field last Sunday? Sure, and if only a couple of bounces had gone Dusty's way, I'd be fishing pennies out of my couch to make sure that I have enough money to buy 2006 Cubs playoffs tickets. Uh huh, right). That said, I have no doubt that Adewale, Urlacher, Alex Brown and the rest of the defense is going to remind Williams and his teammates that the NFC North Championship will remain right here in sweet home Chicago. So go easy on poor Roy. After all, if things had worked out like they were supposed to, you can bet that Williams would have been born with a little more sense than he exhibited with his comments this week. Pissing off the Bears defense a couple of days before you are going to face them is like wearing a "George W. Bush Fan Club" t-shirt at a Dixie Chicks concert. Either way, you are going to get your ass pummeled by someone (I personally would be deathly afraid of running into Natalie Maines in a dark allety).

* Anyone else wonder who exactly is advising Williams these days? Jeff Van Gundy? Perhaps Van Gundy ought to lend his copy of Jim Croce's "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" that he received from Michael Jordan during the 1997 playoffs, to Williams. Simply stated, you best leave Superman's cape alone. Although it is okay to spit into the wind as long as A.J. Pierzynski or Ed Farmer is standing directly in front of you.

* Interesting Roy Williams biographical information to win bar bets and impress your friends. Williams is an Odessa, Texas native and a graduate of Permian High School, the school featured in the outstanding movie Friday Night Lights. In fact, Williams made his acting debut in the movie, playing an assistant coach for Permian rival Midland Lee. Unfortunately, during his time in Odessa, he never caught passes from Mike Winchell, didn't drink a single can of Lone Star beer with Don Billingsly and never took algebra lessons from Brian Chavez. He did, however, once go to a "Black is Beautiful" rally with Boobie Miles, although, according to his original plans for the day, he was actually supposed to attend a seminar on "How to Keep Your Mouth Shut and Not Piss Off An Opponent Who is Clearly Better Than You." Perhaps he should have stcuk to his original plans.

Let's talk shift gears and talk a little baseball, shall we?

* A lot of White Sox fans have been understandably critical of Javier Vazquez's performance this season, expressing disappointment in his 4.71 ERA Well, if only there was no such thing as the 6th inning... Take away the 6th inning (an inning during which Vazquez has given up almost a third of the total runs that he has surrendered) and his ERA falls from 4.71 down to 3.91 which would be the 14th best ERA among starting pitchers in the American League. And things are getting worse, as 18 of the last 34 runs that Javier has given up have scored in the 6th inning. Perhaps Ozzie ought to consider sticking Vazquez in left field for the inning (it's not like he could play worse defense out there than the suddenly worthless Scott Podsednik) and bring him back in the 7th. Novel idea? Well, isn't Ozzie supposed to be a manager who is full of exciting new ideas or is he still too busy filming Mi Manera, writing hate mail to Jay Mariotti and instructing his young pitchers how to throw at a player intentionally to actually pay attention to his responsibilities as the team's manager?

* Ozzie just better make sure that he does not bring Brandon McCarthy in to pitch the 7th. Remember when Sox fans were clamoring for McCarthy to replace Vazquez in the Sox starting rotation? Now I know that you cannot and should not automatically assume that his recent struggles would have occured if Brandon was starting, but his performance lately has been worse than Dennis Rodman's acting in Double Team (Rodman and Pauly Shore may be the only two persons alive who can make co-"star" Jean Claude Van Damme seem like a good actor). In case, you have been too busy trademarking the rights to "Detroit Lions Super Bowl XLI Champions" in anticipation of the inevitable windfall that will come next February when the team plays like it is supposed to and, therefore, wins the title, McCarthy has been downright Angel Guzman-esque lately. He has given up runs in six straight outings -- including a total of nine runs in his last 2 2/3 innings (raising his season ERA from 3.82 to 4.79). The Sox, whose bullpen is hardly a strength to begin with, need McCarthy to be someone who they can rely on as they make their push for the postseason and, as of late, McCarthy simply is not getting the job done. And to think... he was supposed to be the next Jack McDowell... minus the guitar.

* Perhaps McCarthy and Bobby Jenks have been eating from the same box of tainted jelly doughnuts. If McCarthy has been as bad as "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" recently, Jenks has been "Freddy vs. Jason" bad. In the past two weeks, Jenks has seen his ERA soar from 3.27 to 3.92 by giving up six runs and nine hits in his last 3 1/3 innings. Look, there are certain things that are certain to derail a promising baseball season... trading for the emotionless Fred McGriff... blaming your struggles on Steve Stone and Chip Caray's broadcasting... trusting Kyle Farnsworth to spend ten minutes without a chaperone... and seeing your closer turn into a combination of LaTroy Hawkins and Mel Rojas with a month left in the season. Most troubling is the fact that Jenks' velocity is down considerably and his off speed stuff does not seem to have the same bite that it had earlier in the season. Simply stated, the White Sox need Bobby Doughnut to reclaim the magic of the past or face an October of sitting on the couch watching Barney Miller and Drew Carey reruns, while chomping on three dozen Krispy Kremes and chugging a three-liter of Mr. Pibb. And Peapod delivery guy was supposed to bring Dr. Pepper.

Okay, I suppose if we are talking about the Sox bullpen, we might as well, dedicate a few lines of the RT to the rotting corpse that plays baseball at the corner of Waveland and Addison. And you thought this post was supposed to completely void of vomit-inducing North Side discussion.

* I spend a lot of time poking fun at the ineptitude of the corpse's pitching staff and thinking of new and creative injuries that are sure to infict our North Side heroes, but there is nothing funny about the blot clot that has been discovered in Glendon Rusch's lung. First, Thing One missed two months with a blot clot in his arm, then Tyson Barrett suffered an intrascrotal hematoma (which I believe is doctorspeak for a bloody clotted testicle) and now Glendon will miss the remainder of the season with a blood clot of his own. Jeez, I know the Tribune Company is cheap, but shouldn't they at least consider removing the arsenic from the Wrigley Field home clubhouse water supply?

* I guess we should thank our lucky stars that Rachel Phelps is not the team owner and the team charter jet's propellers are not being held together with duct tape. By the way, anyone seen my Song of Hiawatha comic book? I was supposed to drive the bullpen car to Renee Russo's loft and give her a report on what I have learned about great American literature.

* For some reason that you probably need a protractor, GPS, pink highlighter and a Masters degree in philosphy to understand, Thing One is still a Chicago Cub. Now I know that his batting average is a respectable .261 and he has decent speed, but if he is playing a significant role at second base in 2007, Todd Walker had better have rejected a contract offer, Ryne Sandberg had better have refused to come out of retirement, Manny Trillo had better have his picture on the side of a Venezuelan milk carton, Jim Hendry had better have lost Bump Wills' phone number, Mark Bellhorn has better... nah, screw Mark Bellhorn, and I had better have an unlimited supply of Jose Cuervo to ease the pain of another disasterous season. And to think that I was supposed to have sworn off eating worms forever.

Okay, that's enough of that.

* Finally, November of 2001 was undeniably a difficult time. The nation was still reeling from the September 11 attacks and the anthrax threat that scared the living daylights out of Washington D.C. was still fresh in everyone's minds. it was a time when people all over the country were reassessing their priorities. A very introspective time.

And it was at this time that I began to wonder whether my law career was a complete waste of time and whether, instead of reviewing chemical regulations and labeling requirements, I was actually supposed to be the 21st century's answer to Nostradamus. So, I took out my little pad and jotted down some predictions of what I expected to occur in the world of sports in the coming five years. Now, let's keep in mind that anyone can predict the obvious and claim to be gifted in the delicate art of divination. I mean anyone could predict that the Cubs would still not have won a World Series, that Eddy Curry would demonstrate the work ethic of a beached whale and that Roger Clemens would still be the world's biggest jackass. So, I decided to think creatively and come up with some seemingly outlandish, detail-specific predictions that would undeniably prove that, yes, I am blessed with, as Professor Trelawney calls it, the inner eye. Let's take a look at three of the more hard to believe prognostications that I wrote down on that November evening in '01...

1. Kerry Wood and the newly drafted Mark Prior will each win their 150th career game in September 2006. Prior's 150th win will come in only his 157th career start and his two-hit shutout will lower his career ERA to 0.000001, with the only run given up in his career scoring on a freak double that Cub fielder and MVP candidate Carlos Beltran lost in the sun. Further, reports will indicate that Wood sneezed twice on July 23, 2005, and Prior coughed once on August 14, 2005 but, otherwise both would remain in perfect health.

2. University of Florida quarterback Rex Grossman will be drafted with the number one overall pcik by the Cincinnati Bengals in the 2003 NFL draft and will become the most prolific young passer in the league since Dan Marino tossed for 5084 yards and 48 TDs in only his second season as a Dolphin. Meanwhile, the Bears will draft USC quarterback Carson Palmer to backup all-pro starter Danny Wuerffel. Palmer will look terrific holding a clipboard for a couple of years, but will otherwise never be heard from again. Construction of the new Wuerffel wing at the Pro Football Hall of Fame will start in June 2006.

3. Playing for his seventh team in six years, Cub outfielder Gary Matthews Jr., who hit a paltry .217 this year, will hit for the cycle (collecting the single, double, triple and home run in the proper sequence) in the Texas Rangers' 11-3 victory over the Detroit Tigers on September 13, 2006. With the four hits, the suddenly resurgent Matthews Jr. will bring his season average to .312 with 17 home runs and 74 RBI.

Wow! Even the most far-out dreams apparently can come true... if you only do what you are supposed to do.

Have a great day!