Maybe The Would Also Be Better With Rabih Abdullah in the Backfield

One hundred and seventeen posts later, there are still things about me that most readers of the Random Thoughts do not know. For example, I once dated a Chicago Wolves "cheerleader" (she had the kind of a body that you see in bikini ads, but the kind of head that you usually find in the high security section of the neighborhood mental institution. Hey! Who just said "that explains things?"), I was an original taste case study for Skittles (and was the only kid in the group that did not like them), and once attended a Whitney Houston concert (alas, she wore a long-sleeved blouse and you could not see the needle marks). But, there are also a lot of things that, thanks to almost nine months of, at times, unintelligible drivel, you do know about me.

For instance, you all know that I will not be sending holiday cards to A.J. Pierzynski or Hawk and will not be inviting Colin Montgomerie to the house for tea and crumpets. You all know that I think the media knows about as much about college basketball as Helen Keller knew about what the meadow beind her Alabama house looked like. And everyone is well aware that I would love to personally see Jessica Alba in a nice summer sun dress. And Jessica Alba in a denim miniskirt and halter top. And Jessica Alba in the outfit featured on page 69 of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. And, yes, Jessica Alba wearing, say it with me..., nothing but her navel ring and a pair of knee-high black leather boots (the greatest single image in the history of the RT).

And, of course, you all know that I am not yet sold on Rex the Wonder Dog as the next, er... as the first truly great quarterback of the Chicago Bears.

But even I had to make sure that I was not watching Comedy Central when former Chicago Tribune columnist and current ESPN personality Skip Bayless stated that the Bears would be a better team if Kyle the Bearded Wonder was the team's quarterback. How about a little angel dust with your morning java, Skip?

I know that sports columnists, analysts and others occasionally say things merely for shock value, but are you kidding me? It is one thing to simply be a moron who actually believes that Devin Hester is the most important addition to the Bears' roster since the team drafted Walter Payton in the 1975 NFL Draft** (read: Harry Teinowitz), but quite another to claim that the Bears would have more success with Orton under center. I can only wonder what else Bayless thinks. That Gopherball Glendon truly was the better choice to be the Cubs' #2 starter to open the season than fellow 160-year old lefty free-agent Kenny Rogers? That Tyson Chandler is a better building block for the future than Elton Brand? That Van Halen is a better band with Gary Cherone at the mic? That George Lazenby is the one and only true James Bond?*** That going to see a Styx tribute band headline Rockford's WhyintheHeckdoWeLiveinRockfordfest is better than seeing the real band share the bill with Supertramp at Holiday Star Plaza Theatre because Dennis DeYoung has a little trouble these days hitting the high note on "Come Sail Away?"

Look, just substitute Eric Cartman as the lead singer for that one song and let poor Dennis catch his breath before retaking the stage and wowing us with Lady, Mr. Roboto, and Don't Let it End. The best of times, indeed.

Skip, there is no point in making stupid comments just to try to sound controversial. In most cases, you just wind up sounding like an idiot. Try to remember, like Jennifer Lopez' clothing line, the Kyle Orton experiment officially ran its course in 2005. And, like Olivia Newton John's clothing line... it ain't coming back anytime soon.

* Albert Pujols... meet Ernie Banks. Scott Rolen... meet Ron Santo. Chris Carpenter... meet Ken Holtzman. Scott Spiezio... meet Al Spangler. Fredbird... meet Ronnie Woo Woo. Now that everyone has been introduced, let me officially welcome all of you to today's meeting of the CCC, the Colossal Collapse Club.

It is almost unfathomable that the St. Louis Cardinals had an 8.5 game lead on the Houston Astros on September 20, and now have only a one-half game lead as we enter the final week of the season. For those of you keeping score at home, no team in the history of baseball has ever blown a lead greater than 6.5 games in the month of September. The Cardinals are trying to toss away an 8.5 game lead in under two weeks.

And you know what? After reading the New York Times bestseller "3 Nights in August," I could not be happier (well, maybe if I was Bob from the Enzyte commericals who was mentioned in yesterday's RT. Man, that guy looks like Peter after learning that he had been named the new columnist of the school paper). For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it was written by Buzz Bissinger (the author of Friday Night Lights, among other works) and tells the story of Cardinals' manager Tony LaRussa within the context of a three-game series in 2003 against the Cubs. In the book, LaRussa comes across as arrogant, self-absorbed and altogether annoying. Memo to Bissinger... (1) Surprise, surprise... the Cardinals are not the only team in baseball that charts pitches and uses video; (2) not every Cardinal player rescues cats out of trees, bakes yummy smiley-face cookies and reads to sick children in the hospital on off days; (3) not every Cubs player bashes cats' heads with frying fans and burns down trees, bakes arsenic laced brownies, and reads graphically distubing novels to prison inmates on their off days (Roberto Novoa and Ryan The Riot...maybe, but certainly not all); and (4) Albert Pujols may be good, but he is not the good lord's single greatest creation.

(Regardless of my statements above, I encourage all of you to read the book because it does offer an interesting study of the innner-workings of baseball. That said, if you are a Cubs' fan, you will probably walk away a tad bit annoyed with the portrayals in the book).

Anyway, the really interesting thing involves whether the Cardinals will have to play a make-up game against the Giants on Monday afternoon. If the Cards and Astros are separated by one-half game either way at the end of play on Sunday, then the Giants will have to hop on a plane, fly to middle America and play a suddenly meaningful (for St. Louis at least) game at Busch Stadium on Monday. If nothing else, this is likely to completely mess with the Giants' players schedules. Expecting the season to officially end on Sunday, I am awfully sure that the San Francisco players have plans for early next week that they do not want to cancel.

For example, think of poor Moises. The poor guy will have to postpone his plans to empty his piss bucket and shop for some hand sanitizer. Not to mention the fact that he will have to cancel him meeting with Einstein Jones (the greatest nickname since Peter annointed himself "Scoop?") to pen the 2nd edition of Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning. Shortstop Omal Vizquel will have to delay his pay-per-view Hell in a Cell match with former teammate Jose Mesa. And of course, Barry Bonds will have to save for another day his plans to buy flowers for Bud Selig, his teammates, and the media and will have to postpone his planned trip to the Steroid clinic, I mean the sewing store. Yeah, the sewing store.

All kidding aside, I know that it will be incredibly inconvenient, but, should the Giants have to play the game on Monday, they better put forth their best effort. A real pitcher better be on the mound, Ray Durham better be at second base, Moises better put aside his plans to teepee Steve Stone's house and man right field, and Barry better put down his hypodermic... I mean his sewing needle and play left. Otherwise, what's the point? To a certain extent, the integrity of baseball is dependent on it.

* Wait a minute, Roger Clemens is on the Astros isn't he? The pompous Roger Clemens versus the pompous Tony LaRussa. Huh. And one has to win the NL Central and make the playoffs. Oh man. Go Padres.

* The Mets have announced that they will not have the services of "ace" Pedro Martinez in the upcoming playoffs. This is really bad news for a pitching staff that will now need to rely on Orlando Hernandez staying upright long enough to make it through a game without breaking his hip and the human rain delay Steeeeeeveeeeeeeee Traaaaaaaaachseeeeeeeeel. My advice? Willie Randolph and Jerry Manuel (wake up Jerry, I am talking to you. Jerry? Jerry?) might want to go up to the broadcast booth and ask Ron Darling to trade in the microphone for a pitching glove, take a trip to the fat farm to convince Sid Fernandez to put down the Susie Q's and Ho Ho's and pick up a baseball and stop by Darryl Strawberry's Palace of Porn to ask Dwight Gooden to get off the ho, put down the one-hitter and toe the rubber. Anyone got the number of Nolan Ryan's ranch?

* Holy cow, the National League sucks. And the Cubs are tied for last place. That's kind of like being named the ugliest person in a room full of persons who have been featured on Fox television's special "When Facial Surgey Goes Wrong."

* News out of South Florida is that a group of University of Miami alumni have rented planes that will fly over Saturday's game against the Houston Cougars dragging banners that call for the dismissal of head coach Larry Coker. You see, fans of the Hurricanes are angry with the team's 1-2 start and the fact that the talent level and athleticism on the team has dropped considerably since the days of Kellen Winslow and, before him, Michael Irvin. Winslow, of course, could due a triple forward sommersault with a half twist while flying over the handlebars of his motocycle. Current Miami TE, Greg Olsen, can't even do a lousy cartwheel. Irvin, for hs part, ran the one-hundred yard dash in four seconds while being chased by four cops and while carrying six dime bags. Current Hurricane WR Darnell Jenkins got caught from behind by Eddie, Lou and Chief Wiggum while carrying six bags of Fritos.

This is an awfully unfortunate story but the concept really is not new. Fans in the past have arranged similar "protests," but did not have the use of airplanes. For example, last winter, when Mike Davis was still the Iniana head coach, a similar "protest" didn't materialize because the locals just couldn't get the tractors started and the donkey came down with a bad case of the shakes. And then, this past summer, Wrigleyville's 20-somethings, didn't want to give up their precious parking spaces and were understandably hesitant about hanging a banner from the BMW's antenna. And besides most of the people in the bleachers are way too drunk to read a moving banner anyway.

* Finally, I just want to take this opportunity to wish all my Jewish friends a peaceful Yom Kippur. May your pre-fasting kreplach be tasty, may your sins be atoned, and may the Bears kick the crud out of the Seahawks. Oh yeah, and Mel Gibson? Try and put down the Manischewitz wine for at least a few hours, will ya?

**Today's Sports Trivia Question: Walter Payton was the 4th overall pick in the 1975 NFL Draft. Selected immediately before Sweetness was offensive lineman Ken Huff (by the Colts). Who was Dallas' pick at #2, a defensive lineman out of the University of Maryland and who was Atlanta's #1 selection, a QB out of Cal?

***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In which movie did George Lazenby portray Bond... James Bond?

*****Past Answers: Brett Favre was the QB selected by Atlanta with the 33rd pick in the 1991 NFL Draft (congrats to Nickel Slots for correctly identifying Brett); Paul Justin was the Bears selection in the same draft (major congrats to Pfarro for getting that right. Oh yeah, hotshot, with what pick was Will Furrer selected); and Leon Kompowski was the Jersey plummer who thought he was Michael Jackson and befriended Homer at the New Bedlam Insane Asylum.