Let Me Put This As Mildly As I Possibly Can... The Packers Suck

Okay, first and foremost, let's just come right out and state the obvious... the Green Bay Packers are a terrible football team. That said, Bears' fans have every reason to be excited following the annihilation of their "rivals" from the North during week one of the 2006 NFL season. All in all, the team played extremely well on offense, defense and special teams and exhibited that certain swagger that is necessary if a team truly has Super Bowl aspirations. Some of the more notable highlights...

* Rex the Wonder Dog actually looked like a real NFL quarterback! His passes looked sharp, were generally on target and, reports indicate that he didn't illegally park in a handicapped spot at the stadium. That said, let's try and remember that it was only one game and Brian Griese has looked like an NFL quarterback for a little more than six years. My point? The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame is not pushing the Rolling Stones aside to make sure there is room for Dexy's Midnight Runners just because their one hit Come on Eileen is a kick ass song. Prove it over the course of the season Rex, and perhaps I will become a believer. Throw three picks against the Lions this week, and you are back in the garbage pile with Jonathan Quinn, Matt Lawton and my old Men Without Hats record.

* We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. Cause if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine.

* I also have to admit that Rex's teammates seem to love him and were genuinely happy that, for at least one day, not only did he quiet the critics, but he also managed to make it through the entire game without suffering a collapsed lung or bruised liver. With the final seconds ticking off the clock, it was nice to see all of Rex's teammates congratulating him and giving him a little love. In fact, I have not seem that many oversized, sweaty grown men hug and look quite so happy since everyone but Nikolai Volkoff and Classy Freddie Blassie celebrated Hulk Hogan's defeat of the Iron Shiek to win the WWF Title at Madison Square Garden on a memorable January evening in 1984.

* In the past, the Bears were about as likely to throw to their tight ends as Lisa Turtle was to accept a date with Screech, yet, on Sunday, a slimmed down Desmond Clark finished with five catches for 77 yards. This is an extremely positive sign and we can only hope that the Bears continue to look Desmond's way as the season progresses. After all, the Bears' wide receiving corps remains questionable at best and until Tom Waddle and Jeff Graham decide to come out of retirement, they will need a consistent receiving threat other than Me-sin Me-hammed.

* Devin Hester certainly deserves all the press that he is currently getting. Like Hawk Harrelson getting pummeled by a gang of Swedish midgets wearing bikinis, he is awfully fun to watch and is a definite threat to score every time he gets his hands on the ball. But, while we are heaping praise on the special teams, how about a little love for Brendon Ayanbadejo? He flies down the field on punt and kickoff coverage and is always around the ball. It is terrific to see a guy who understands his role and puts his heart and soul into it. Ayanbedejo must be Swahili for "he who works ass off on special teams."

- Now, before I continue on, I would like to take a step back and tell a little story. In 1984, Robert Montgomery Knight was the head coach of the U.S. Olympic men's basketball team, an impressive collection of college superstars that included future NBA stalwarts Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Alvin Robertson and, yes, a certain all-time Chicago Bulls great. That's right the unstoppable Joe Kleine. Anyway, at halftime of the team's first game, the U.S. was up by something like 178 points or so and Knight, concerned that the team would lose focus, turned to some guy named Mike who was scoring at will, rebounding every ball in sight, dishing out assists like they were bowls of soup at at homeless shelter, and playing defense like Elaine when faced to deal with the undesired advances of Keith Hernandez, and angrily yelled at the top of his lungs "Jordan, are you ever going to set a g-d damn screen?" In other words, there is always room for improvement.

And truth be told, despite the Bears' impressive performance, I, for one, am not ready to take down my 1981 Chicago Sting Soccer Bowl Champions poster in order to make room for my Super Bowl XLI commemorative Sports Illustrated cover with a a picture of Brian Griese throwing the game-winning touchdown to newly-signed Wendell Davis while Rex cheers him on from the sideline, foot in a cast following a visit to Griese's house to meet Brian's dog. I know that it is a lot easier and more enjoyable to just take a 26-0 dominating victory, smile and go about one's business, but there are a few red flags that need to be considered. Among them...

* The Bears' bread and butter in 2005 was their ability to pound the ball on the ground on offense and stop the run on defense. On Sunday, however, the Bears averaged only 3.0 yards per carry, while allowing the Packers, a team starting two rookies on the offensive line, to average 4.5 yards per rush. This will need to turn around if the team is serious about playing a game other than beach volleyball, jarts and Three Man** in Miami in January.

* The team continued to have problems executing in the red zone. And while I am sure kicker Robbie Gould does not mind having an opportunity to pad his stats, the Bears have got to start scoring touchdowns when they have the ball deep in the opponent's end of the field. Settling for field goals is like expecting a vintage pair of those super cool, red and black and white Air Jordan's and getting a pair of Air Wades instead (the next Jordan? Sure... Hey, at least they are not a pair of Air Anfernees).

* At least kicking a field goal beats turning the ball over. Rex's interception in the second quarter with the Bears on the Green Bay 14-yard line was atrocious. For the most part, Rex made good decisions, but the decision to throw the pass that Packer linebacker Nick Barnett picked off was about as smart as Mike McDermott's decision to vouch for Worm's $25,000 debt with Gramma and Teddy KGB, although not quite as painful.

* So, given the state of the Packers and the fact that they have less natural talent than the rock band Stryper, should we feel sorry for Brett Favre and is it unfair that the likely final season of his Hall-of-Fame career will likely be his most miserable? Let me first say that, despite my unwavering alliance to the Monsters of the Midway and my recognition that I am supposed to place Brett in the same category as John Starks, Reggie Miller and virtually every player who has worn a St. Louis Cardinals jersey, I can't help but find myself a closet-fan on Favre's. I am not sure why it is, but not only don't I hate the guy, I actually lie him as a player. But, feel sorry for him? Uh, no.

After all, wasn't it Brett who made the decison to return after essentially holding the Packers hostage for almost the entire offseason? And could Brett possibly have thought that the 2006 Green Bay Packers were going to be a legitimate contender? If so, he might want to join Travis Bickle in the wonderful world of misplaced reality and disillusionment.

Look, Brett had to know what he was getting himself into. I mean, Greg Jennings at wideout? Tony Moll at right guard? Brady Poppinga? So, no, I do not feel bad for Brett. If you have all the information before returning to a job, you have to live within the confines of the new circumstances and deal with the consequences. For example, if you leave your job as the french fry guy at McDonald's and they suddenly outlaw those baskets that drop the fries into the grease (mmmm...grease), you are going to have to live with the first-degree burns when you return. Likewise, if you leave your job as a commercial airline pilot and return only to find out that they no longer look kindly on pre-flight binge drinking, you are going to have to cancel your plans to meet Barney Gumble at Moe's before directing the big bird to L.A. and leave your Goldschlager at home before heading off to Seattle. And, finally, if you return to quarterback the Green Bay Packers, you had better be prepared to spend more time on your back on the Lambeau Field turf than all the Green Bay high school senior girls on prom night... combined.

- Believe it or not, the Bears and Packers were not the only teams that played this weekend (I think, in passing, I may have heard something about the Manning brothers playing each other. I did not even realize that Ricky Jr. and Danieal were siblings... Oh yeah, and it turns out that ESPN now has Monday Night Football. Boy, did they keep that quiet. Hmmm...I wonder where Jerome Bettis is from?). And, once again, while it is important not to overreact with sixteen weeks remaining in the regular season, I think we learned a few things. A quick trip around the NFL...

* Most people recognize that that the Saints could have hired Ralph Wiggum as their head coach and, at least from an intelligence standpoint, enjoyed an upgrade over former boss Jim Haslett, but it is still nice to see that they apparently got the real deal in rookie coach Sean Payton. Judging by week one, Payton obviously recognizes the special talent that is Reggie Bush and will try and get the ball in his hands as often as possible. Bush may seem overhyped but he truly is an amazing player and a failure to give him the ball at least 20 times per game would be akin to turning down an invitation to get drunk with RT hottie Jessica Alba.

* Regardless of whether Trent Green, Damon Huard, Joe Montana, Henry Burris, George Brett, The Rev or Ronnie Bass is the Chiefs quarterback, Kansas City's offense is seemingly going to struggle without retired tackle Willie Roaf as much as the Hickory Huskers struggled before Jimmy Chitwood decided to play. Against Cincinnati, Green was constantly under pressure (forcing him to scramble on three out of five plays, including the ill-fated run that resulted in his head hitting the turf harder than Charlie Bauman's after Woody Hayes expresed a little frustration over Bauman's last-second interception of an Ohio State pass) and Larry Johnson had little room to run. A popular preseason playoff pick, the Chiefs are in a lot of trouble.

* Unless San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer develops a little more confidence in new quarterback Philip Rivers, LaDainian Tomlinson's legs may fall off by week 14. While it is true that LT's total of 31 carries is not overally excessive, Schottenheimer showed absolutely no faith in Rivers in key situations. In the second quarter, facing a third down in Raiders territory, instead of going for the first down, the Chargers simply handed off to Tomlinson and settled for a Robbie Gould.... er a Nate Kaeding field goal. Further, with 1:51 left on the clock in the first half and the ball on the 12-yard line, San Diego made no attempt to get points, electing to run the ball three consecutive times before taking a knee. Truth be told, Rivers actually looked quite good when he was asked to throw down field, including throwing an absolutley beautiful 38-yard pass to Eric Parker on third down in the third quarter. How good was the pass? Well, let's just say that if the Chicago media gushes over the "tools" of Rex, they would be petitioning the Hall of Fame to begin construction on the new Rivers wing in Canton.

* Deion Branch worth a first round pick? The same Deion Branch whose has never had a 1,000 yard season or more than five TD? Sure, and Mike Lookinland is slated to become the next James Bond. A first round pick for Branch, eh? Bill Belichek is a genius.

* I cannot believe I am admitting this, but I enjoyed the new Monday night crew, including the otehrwise occasionally annoying Tony Kornheiser. In my opinion, Theismann is always solid, Tirico did a nice job with the play-by-play and Kornheiser was not overbearing and offered some decent insight. I especially like when he questioned whether Redskins safety Sean Taylor's tough guy reputation may have lead to his having been flagged for a personal foul on a questionable call. After Theismann commented that he did not believe that the officials took Taylor's rep into account, Kornheiser refused to give in, commenting that, despite Thiesmann's claim, he truly believes that it did have an effect. Like the Brady kids when the city was threatening to turn Woodland Park into an office complex, it was nice to see him stand up for what he believes in.

* I also thoroughly enjoyed Dick Vermeil and Ron Jaworski sharing the color analyst duties in the late game. Jaws offered terrific analysis and Dick made it through the entire broadcast without acting like Elliott when he thought that E.T. had died.

* For those of you who, on Monday night, answered Hank Williams's now-annoying question with a definitive "yes," but were disappointed to find Primetime Live instead of Mark Brunell and Brad Johnson discussing the recreation options in their respective old folks homes on ABC, the, game, it turns out, was on ESPN. Sure wish they would have publicized that move. And by the way, it is now officially being called "ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football on ESPN, Brought To You By ESPN in Conjunction With ESPN Sports."

** Three Man was my favorite drinking game when I was in college and the mere mention of it takes me back to the days of Little Kings, 25-cent nachos at Kilroy's and Pizza Express breadsticks with both sauces. What were your favorite drinking games? Post a comment below...

Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB League Week-in-Review

- Game of the Week

Given that no game was decided by less than 20 points, this is an awfully difficult decision. Oh, I guess I could go with The Prosthetic Legs' annihilation of Loafers 80-31 since I am the writer of this thing (when you become the writer, you can highlight your game), but since I do not want to upset any of you, I will elect to go with T.C. Williams' exciting victory over George C. Marshall High School on Friday night. And boy that girl from TBS' Dinner & A Movie is not very good lookin', is she?

Most Valuable Player

* TIE: Kurt Warner (Legs) and Donovan McNabb (Spanky) with 23 points each

For a while there, I thought that the Matrix was back in the theatres, Limp Bizkit still had a career and the nation was still convinced that Y2K would somehow force us to live, once again, in caves, as I watched Kurt Warner pile up yards and toss multiple touchdowns. And while Warner was putting up big numbers in the desert, McNabb was proving that 2005 was completely in the rear view mirror, throwing for 314 yards and three scores.

MVP: Honorable Mention

- Chicago Bears D/ST (Nickel Slots) with 22 points (It cannot and will not be that easy every week, Chico)

- Baltimore Ravens D/ST (Short Bus) with 22 points (The Ravens looked terrific, shutting out the Bucs in Tampa. Now they get the Raiders. Any chance Oakland will finish with negative yardage?)

- Frank Gore (Nickel Slots) with 19 points (Gore is a terrific sleeper this year and is off to a great start with a pair of scores and 170 total yards)

Least Valuable Player

* Shaun Alexander (JEB Fins) with 1 point

After rushing for only 51 yards against the Lions, many are wondering whether the Madden Curse has claimed another victim. More like the "Why-In-The-Heck-Did-We-Let-Left-Guard-Steve-Hutchinson-Go-to-Minnesota" Curse. Shaun lost one of his best offensive linemen and, as a result, anyone who thinks that he can duplicate last year's 28-TD performance probably also thinks that Ben Wallace will average 25 points for the Bulls this year.

LVP: Dishonorable Mention

- Carson Palmer (Loafers) with 1 point (It was a miserable weekend for quarterbacks as half of the starting QBs in the RSFC league finished with four or fewer points. Carson's single point may have been the most disappointing, but, you know what? Marvin Lewis could give a sh*t as long as the Bengals win, which, of course, they did)

- Jake Delhomme (JEB Fins) with 1 point (I'll take questions with obvious answers, Alex. Is Jessica Alba hot? Does Thing One suck? Think Jake misses Steve Smith?)

- T.J. Duckett (Who You Crappin) with 0 points (Overheard in Redskins' coaches room after Duckett's first practice with the team: "That's T.J. Duckett? That big load of crap?" Somewhere in Atlanta folks are laughing their butts off).

Best Coaching Decision of the Week

* Play Travis Henry (15 pts) over Chris Brown (3 points): Spanky

Henry hasn't been relevant in the fantasy football world since shortly after a nationwide audience and Moises Alou was introduced to a young north-sider in a green turtleneck, navy blue sweatshirt, Cubs cap and headphones. Travis received only nine carries on Sunday, while Brown toted the rock 16 times. The difference, Henry scored twice and added a two-point conversion. A terrific decision to play Henry by Mark.

Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention

- Play Jeff Wilkins (19 pts) over Lawrence Tynes (4 pts): Spanky (Look, having two kickers on your roster makes about as much sense to me as owning a fake bass that you hang on the wall and watch sing Motown songs, but if Mark is insistent on wasting a roster space at least he selected the right guy).

- Play Kurt Warner (23 pts) over Brett Favre (1 pt): The Prosthetic Legs (A easy decision, yes, but there was an incredible lack of nominees this week).

- Play Mike (9 pts) over Tatum (4 pts): The Prosthetic Legs (see below)

Worst Coaching Decision of the Week

* Play Antwaan Randle El (1 pt) over Donte Stallworth (14 pts): Trailer Park Touchdowns

In a week where the games were so one-sided that there simply were no moves that were game-deciding, someone has to win this dishonor and why not make it the league's lone newcomer Paul? If Stallworth puts up 141 yards and a touchdown every game, they just might replace the statue of Rocky Balboa on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Are with one of Donte. On the other hand, if Antwaan Randle El continues achieving games of 34 yards receiving and 7 yards rushing, I will say "I told you so." Again and again and again.

The Dusty Baker Award: Honorable Mention

- Play Joey Galloway (0 points -- 0 catches) over Drew Bennett (7 points): Loafers (I said it in the season preview and I will say it again, there is no way Galloway repeats his 2005 performance)

- Play Wali Lundy (1 point) over Dominic Rhodes (7 points): JEB Fins (Rember folks, hindsight is always 20/20, especially in the WIR).

- Play Randy McMichael (0 points) over Kellen Winslow Jr. (9 pts): Slappers (Todd obviously drafted McMichael to be his starter and Winslow as a flier, so it is tough to criticize him for the move, but like Kenny Chesney's decision to marry the chick from Jerry McGuire, this is a move that sure did not work out)

And finally a special new 2006 WIR feature: RINGING THE BELLS

Traditionally, having Tom Brady on you team has been an absolute nightmare. In the past, it seemed like whoever had Brady on his roster always made the wrong decision regarding which QB to play. Now that Brady is a must-play every week (not to mention the fact that Who You Crappin avoided the problem by drafting Brady and only Brady at the quarterback position), we need a new feature. Well, welcome to RINGING THE BELLS.

Simply stated, Mike Shanahan and his insistence on rotating running backs like Paris Hilton rotates boyfriends is one of FFB's biggest pains in the butt. It appears as though, one week the starter will be Mike, the next it may be Tatum and the next it could be anyone. Further, if week one is any indication, it looks as though, both backs are going to receive close to the same numbers of carries. That said, I am going to have an extremely difficult time choosing which bell to ring every week. In the past, I have put Tom and Joe C under the microscope and this week it is my turn. Let's see how I do...

Week One: Elected to play Mike over Tatum. Tatum got more carries (15-10) and more yards (103-58), but Mike added 30 yards receiving and scored the touchdown. All said, Mike scored 9 points, while Tatum managed just four. Good decision. Season Bell Record: 1-0

*** Tomorrow, we will return to a fantasy football free, traditional RT post. Have a great day!