Hawks and White Sox and Bears... Oh My!

There are some teams that are so talented and have such an inherent advantage over their opponents, that they really should never lose. For example, there is the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers men's basketball team, the 1985 Monsters of the Midway, Kevin O'Shea's Little Cowboys and, of course, the Rancho Carne Toros cheerleading squad. Yet, every now something goes terribly wrong. Jim McMahon's injury coupled with that fluke deflection that Mark Clayton took in for a touchdown contributed to the Bears' lone blemish during their Superbowl season.*** Danny's Little Giants took advantage of a lot of heart, hustle, and grit, not to mention the freakish talents of the Icebox, to knock off Kevin's Cowboys and capture the Urbania town championship. And, the overall athleticism, hip hop stylings and fresh jams of the East Compton Clovers proved the downfall of Torrence Shipman and her teammates at the National Cheerleading Championships. If fact, of the list above, in the end, only the '76 Hoosiers made it through the entire season unscathed (boy, it sure is nice to write that).

And now, thanks to Nike, the world has been introduced to what has to be the single greatest high school football team in history... The Briscoe High School Hawks. Coached by Don Shula and Urban Meyer, the Hawks feature Michael Vick behind center, LaDainian Tomlinson at tailback, Brian Urlacher at linebacker and Troy Palamalu in the defensive backfield. The team is so talented that local TV celebrity Jill Arrington comes to the games and Lee Corso is the team mascot. And this is no johnny-come-lately program, mind you. Current executives in the Hawks Touchdown Club include former Briscoe High players Deion Sanders and Steve Young and it is worth sticking around during even in the biggest blowouts, if for no other reason, to check out what new moves head cheerleader and noted bisexual Jillian Barberie is going to come up with next.

And who wouldn't want to be tought history from Jimmy Johnson? I mean, what a great opportunity to pick up some valuable hair care tips.

So, can somebody please tell me how in the world a team with such supreme talent and a history that includes 8 state championships, including one in 2005, needed a last-second halfback otpion pass to some kid named Ryon Williams to win their opening game against nearby Arundel High? I mean, with the superstar talent at the primary skill positions, this is a team that could start Aaron Gibson and Jerry Wisne on the offensive line, Kaseem Sinceno as the tight end and Van Tunei at defensive end and still roll over most of their opponents.

Wait a minute, let me look over their roster again... Urlacher... yeah, he's good. Polamalu... an all-pro no doubt. Tomlinson... perhaps the best all-around running back in the game (but couldn't they have found a uniform that fits him? What's he wearing a youth medium?). Vick... oh yeah, good ol' Michael Vick. Heck, six interceptions, two fumbles and three completions in twenty-one attempts will doom even the most talented teams. No wonder Shula had Tomlinson throw the game deciding pass. In fact, if I were the former Dolphins' head coach, I'd ask Jeff Gilooly to introduce Vick to his best friend the crowbar (foreshadowing alert) and suggest that Matt Leinart put down the clipboard and take the field. And if he doesn't work out, perhaps Will Furrer isn't doing anything or we can convince Dave Kreig to skip 7:00 bingo in the retirement common home and suit up. Never mind, Cocoon is on tonight.

* I hope they replay the Briscoe High School games on the NFL Network (yes, I know that they do not play in the NFL. So what? The Simpsons is not based exclusively on gratuitous sex jokes and innuendos -- at least most of the time -- but the Fox Network continues to keep it in the lineup). I absolutely love the commercial with Warren Sapp, Tony Gonzalez, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey reminding football fans that the NFL Network replays games from the previous Sunday on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I love even more that I get to walk around singing the catchy tune from the commercial for the rest of the day. As many of you with small children know, anything beats walking around singing the theme from Dora the Explorer, Cinderella's "a Wish is a Dream Your Heart Makes," or, worse yet, the Care Bears nauseating song "In the Land of Joke-a-Lot."

* The White Sox enter play this weekend two games behind the Twins in the race for the American League Wild Card and only three games behind the Tigers in the A.L. Central and, while most Sox fans I know are acting as though the sky has already fallen and the team is doomed to an October of sitting at home watching the 2005 World Series Highlight video, I believe that the Sox are still in decent position to make the playoffs. The whole key is this weekend's three games at Oakland and making sure that they do not fall too far out of the race. The Twins are on a 10-game road trip that will take them from Cleveland to Boston to Baltimore, and have lost rookie phenom Francisco Liriano for the remainder of the season, while, assuming they survive the mean streets of Oakland, the Sox have a seven-game homestand against Detroit and the mediocre at-best Seattle Mariners. The Sox still certainly have the talent to get the job done but need to take care of business at home against the free-falling Tigers and Mariners. I, for one, still think that they can sneak into the playoffs. Whether they will get killed by the Yankees, if they do make it to the postseason, is another story altogether. But you just never know what might happen. After all, Coach Roy Turner's Yankees looked unbeatable in 1976, yet Buttermaker came within a wink of getting the job done.

* You can bet that Frank Thomas will be doing absolutely everything in his power to make the Sox and Kenny Williams miserable this weekend. I doubt an athlete has been quite this excited to stick it to a former team since Kit toed the rubber for the Racine Belles in the Championship game against her old team the Rockford Peaches. And here I thought that the Peaches were unbeatable...

* Anyone else convinced that Dottie dropped the ball on purpose when Kit slid into home to score the winning run? I mean, c'mon. Dottie was like 6'4 and Kit was nothing more than Augie Ojeda in a skirt. (BTW, Best line in the movie not about whether crying is allowed in baseball? How about Jon Lovitz's character Ernie Capadino's famous instruction to Dottie and Kit when dropping them off at Harvey Field for tryouts... "Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it!").

* Speaking of mistaken identities, nipplegate or not, I, for one, am still convinced that Michael Jackson's discography incudes Thriller, Bad, Dangerous, Control and Rhythm Nation 1814. That said, is it really that hard to believe that C.C. Sabathia and David Wells are, in fact, the same person? After all, they are both left handed pitchers, both never seem to tire and both look like they don't need directions on how to get to the nearest Baskin Robbins.

* There are certain dates on the sports calendar that you look forward to all year. There's Superbowl Sunday, the championship game of the Missouri Valley conference (onyl 181 days until the madness!!!), the day of Kerry Wood's annual trip to Birmingham to visit Dr. James Andrews, the one day a year that Tyson Chandler actually shows up to play (thank gosh he is not our problem anymore), and, of course, the first day of Chicago Blackhawks training camp. Yes, that's right, your 2006-07 Blackhawks took the ice for the first time on Thursday with dreams of raising the Stanley Cup filling their heads (my advice to the Hawk players? Better limit your dreams to those that involve attending the Carolina Hurricanes' public display of the Cup at a suburban Raleigh mall. That's as close to the Cup as you are going to get. No need to bring me back a Jeff Gordon bobble-head or tobacco spittoon, though.).

With training camp now underway and the season rapidly approaching, Comcast Sports Net is beginning to promote their coverage of this season's games. My favorite ad features new play-by-play voice Dan Kelly noting that Comcast will broadcast "all the games from the regular season and beyond." I wonder exactly which "Blackhawks games" they are planning on showing once the regular season comes to its conclusion? Stoli drinking contests from Moscow featuring goalie Nikolai Khabibulin and wing Denis Arkhipov? Forward Michael Holmquist attempting to knock off both Tony Manero and Denny Terrio to become Sweden's top "Dancin' Queen" in a dance contest broadcast live from Stockholm? Finnish transvestite midget throwing with the perpetually injured Tuomo Ruutu? Curling, moose tipping and pin the tail on Celine Dion and Bryan Adams live from Moose Jaw? I'd put my money on defenseman Adrian Aucoin on that last one. Oh well, at least it beats having to watch Mi Manera.

I suppose, I should not be quite so pessimistic. After all, like the Dolphins, Little Giants, Clovers and Bad News Bears, it is possible that the Blackhawks could stun the world. Now I am not crazy enough to predict a championship or even a first-round playoff ouster, but I suppose a home win over the Nashville Predators is something that we can all reasonably hope for. All they just have to play like they are supposed to...

* Nice to see former Balckhawks play-by-play voice Pat Foley back in the saddle. Foley, as you may be aware, was recently hired to call games for the Chicago Wolves. While I am excited that Foley will still be working in Chicago, I doubt that this is what he had in mind. After all, while I have no idea what the actual viewership numbers of Wolves' games is, don't you get the feeling that there are more people watching Richard Karn Family Fued reruns on the 'U' than people watching Stephen Baby take on the Houston Aeros? Foley, without a doubt, ranks right up there with Mike Emerick, Darren Pang and the voice of the Charlestown Chiefs, Jim Carr, as one of the best hockey announcers that I have ever heard. I just fear that his considerable talent will be wasted with such a small audience. Kind of like booking Bruce Springsteen to play at O'Lanagan's or asking RT hottie Jessica Alba to guest star on Reba.

* Just wondering... Can you picture Kim that old Asian woman asking the Boss to scrub the toilets?

* I can picture it now... young Mitch Cozad sitting in his Greeley, Colorado dorm room on the campus of Northern Colorado desperately trying to come up with a way that he can replace Rafael Mendoza as the Bears' first-sting punter (for a team that scored only 10 points in their first two games... it is a heck of a gig. Kind of like being Larry Flynt's lawyer or Roy Williams' apologist). Suddenly, a replay of the television movie "Tonya and Nancy: The Inside Story" comes on the television (immediately following "A Promise Kept: The Oksana Baiul Story" no doubt). Visions of Shane Stant, Shawn Eckert and Jeff Gilooly enter Mitch's impressionable mind. A black cloak from last year's Darth Vader Halloween costume beckons from the closet. A shiny knife most recently used to slice open a cantaloupe is readily available on the kitchen counter...

Look, Cozad's act is obviously despicable. But, give the guy at least a little credit. At least he had the courage to commit the crime himself. It's not like he sent his mom to kill both Rafael and his mother while Mitch played Ms. Pac Man and Asteroids in the campus arcade. Nope, that sort of cowardice is saved for the always controversial Texas cheerleading community (hmm... was the now cancelled show "According to Wanda" about the seedy side of cheerleading? Wanda Holloway = Wanda Sykes? I wonder...).

Anyway, I sure hope that Cozad's actions do not give anyone any bright ideas. I doubt that they will but, just to be on the safe side, I'f I'm Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, I'm ordering Cedric Gayle Sayers Walter Payton Benson to stay out of the Halas Hall kitchen and cafeteria and, if I'm Torrence, I'm watching my back. You just know that Whitney and Courtney have their eye on the top of the pyramid.

* So who is going to punt for Northen Colorado in their showdown with Texas State? With Cozad planning how he is going to svoid becoming someone's girlfriend and Mendoza as gimpy as Leiutenant Dan after he got back from Vietnam, someone better get head coach Scott Downing Maury Buford's phone number, the location of the Carl's Jr. where Louie Aguilar works or directions to the Carolina Steroid clinic, where he is sure to find Todd Sauerbrun sharing tips with Steroid Sammy and Jason Gatlin and Floyd Landis.

At the end of the day, it probably will not matter, seeing that the Bears are a huge underdog in their matchup against the #23 team in the 1-AA ranks. But then again, I suppose you just never know. After all, there is always hope that Michael Vick will suit up for Texas State.

Go Bears!!! Both of them.

* For more information on the Briscoe High School Hawks, including their season schedule, player profiles and more, please go to: http://www.nike.com/nikegridiron/#briscoe.

***Today's (long overdue) Sports Trivia Question: The 1985 Chicago Bears sent nine (9) players to Honolulu for the Pro-Bowl. Who were they?