Finally...An Explanation!!

Look... I'm trying really hard not to let my imagination run wild.

I mean I don't really know whether former-commissioner Paul Tagliabue drank an entire case of Duff and then danced on top of a table with a half naked Princess Kashmir. I can't be sure that Daryl "Moose" Johnston dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and sang Happy Birthday to Troy Aikman. I have not been able to confirm that John Madden and Brett Favre truly spent the entire time huddled in the corner, locked in an embrace that would make Tommy Lee and Pamela blush.

And, lord knows, I don't even want to think about what Koren Robinson, O.J. Simpson and former Bear and Lake County lockup candidate Bryan Robinson were doing.

All I do know is that Rex the Wonder Dog was there. And he was the only was smart enough to have brought a camera.

What other possible explanation can there be?

Look, I give Rex all the credit in the world for showing the resiliency to bounce back and throw the game winning touchdown pass to Rahied Davis. To his credit, he did not hang his head after he single-handedly handed the Vikings the lead on a silver platter and made a good throw when the team needed him most (although let's admit it... Davis was wide open). The bottom line is that the team is now 3-0 and Rex deserves a fair share of the credit for the Bears' undefeated start.

But, once again, I cannot understand for the life of me why Rex is being talked about like he is the second coming. Rex has talent. I don't deny that. And he seems to be a terrific leader. I don't deny that either. But, for every throw that truly makes me think of Dan Fouts and Dan Marino, he makes one that reminds me of Dan Pastorini and Dan McGwire** And what is worse is that for every smart decision, he makes one that rivals the decision made by whatever moron gave Dan Cortese his first job and got his career rolling (although, I will admit that he was quite funny as Elaine [and George's] boyfriend Tony. Although, I would not make him peanut butter sandwiches if I were you).

Needless to say, in breaking down Rex's game, we can start with "the interception" (What? You expected me to say that Rex's decision to throw the ball up for grabs deep in Bears' territory was as dumb as the Brady kids' decision to trust Jan to take care of the silver platter engraving? Well, guess what? I am not going to. If you saw the play, I am sure that you will agree that it stands on its own merit). Heck, I have not seen a Viking score that easy since Ebony Firelips took Moe Williams into the boat's private room while sailing on Lake Minnetonka.

And we can continue by talking about a number of other passes that left me scratching my head. Not only did Rex throw a pass that was intercepted by Dwight Smith, but, in the first half, he also threw two other passes that would have been picked off in Bears' territory, if not for the fact that the Minnesota defensive backs decided to do their best Brant Brown impersonation. Wonder Dog's tosses were so bad, I honestly figured that either he must have thought that he was suddenly playing for the purple-clad Northwestern Wildcats or had suddenly gone color blind.

Yet, despite his poor play, commentators, analysts and other talking heads continue to gush over him like Tom Cruise talking to oprah about Katie Holmes. Watch ESPN on Sunday night and you were sure to hear Tom Jackson talking about how he is growing into a sensational QB. Listen to Mike & Mike on Monday and listen to Joe Theisman wax poetic about how Rex is quickly joining the NFL elite. Watch Jerry Springer on Tuesday and marvel at Shane's decision to sleep with his brother Rusty's wife only moments after she returned from having a alien communication device planted in her ass. And then watch the alien come down and fight Shane and Rusty for the right to take her to her Junior High Mixer. But I digress.

Rock bottom came during the actual game. After Rex threw the ill-fated interception, Stockton and Johnston did not focus on how the Wonder Dog may have just cost his team the game or spend longer than two seconds questioning Rex's abhorrent decision to throw the ball (I will admit that they did mention it for a second -- I mean how can they not?). Instead, the two announcers criticized Ron Turner for not running the ball given Thomas Jones' recent success and chastised Devin Hester for fielding a punt inside the 15-yard line. Excuse me? Oh sure, Scott Eyre just gave up a three-run home run to Ken Griffey to lose the game, but let's focus our attention on how Thing One just spilled his Gatorade or Buck Coats just tripped over Weasley's Cleansweep Eleven.

So look, I don't know what happened at the big summer NFL party. But I know for dang sure that there are an awful lot of people who don't want me, or anybody else for that matter, to know exaclty what went on. Hmmm... I wonder if Frank Gifford was invited?

* Congratulations Rex! It took you more than three years to pass me, John Travolta and Shamu the Whale on the list of most 4th-quarter touchdown passes thrown in a career.

* Come to think of it, perhaps Rex was not the only one who made use of his Minolta at the party. After all, ESPN continues to worship at the altar of Michael Vick.

* Lovie Smith is doing a fine coaching job so far this season, but really needs to better understand how to use his coaches challenges. Case in point... With just under 12 minutes remaining in the first half and the team facing a 2nd and goal from the Minnesota nine-yard line, Grossman threw a pass that Jason McKie appeared to catch and fumble, with the ball recovered by the Bears at the seven or eight-yard line. The pass was ruled incomplete setting up a 3rd & goal from the nine, however, a ruling that the Bears challenged. What was the point? Even if the ruling was overturned, they would have been faced with a 3rd and goal from the seven or eight. Is it really worth wasting a challenge to potentially pick up one or two yards? Memo to Lovie... you only get two challenges a game. They are like gold. You never know when you are going to need to challenge the officials on their ruling that Rex was not down before he just threw the ball straight up in the air for anyone to catch from his own goal line. In the future, you better keep one of your challenges available.

* According to the Bears' "official" statistics, Brian Urlacher was credited with 10 tackles on Sunday (note: according to the NFL's "official" statistics, he had five, and according to the Brian Urlacher Fan Club's "official" count, he had 174). Sheesh, I did not even realize that he was playing. Generally, Urlacher is a wonderful player and deserves all the accolades that are bstowed on him, but if he had 10 tackles on Sunday, he must have played a game with his son and brother Casey in the family backyard after getting back from Minneapolis.

* Seriously, he played in that game on Sunday? The one against the Vikings? With the lack of noticeable production from the middle linebacker spot, I could have sworn it was Barry Minter or Joe Cain captaining the defense.

* Tommie Harris played. Let there be no doubt about that. Tommie Harris played. And, like Frosted Flakes, he was grrrrrrrreat.

Around the NFL...

* Hey, the Raiders did not lose this past weekend. Figured I would mention it since it might be the only time this year that it will be true.

* I suppose I should not be too tough on poor Rex. As I mentioned, the Bears are winning and he has actually made it through three games without rupturing his spleen. Welcome to the NFL Bruce Gradkowski! With the state of the offensive line in Tampa, you'll be lucky if you make it through a full game without a punctured lung, serrated liver or mutilated pancreas. Qasim Mitchell is probably available. Perhaps someone ought to stop by the Charlotte Hardee's and see if he might like to join Jon Gruden's bunch.

* In all seriousness... get well soon Chris Simms.

* After committing four turnovers against the Rams last Sunday, Kurt Warner may be out as the Cardinals' starting quarterback and Matt Leinart may get to put the clipboard down and take the field. I have no idea whether Leinart is truly ready, but after the way Warner played, Arizona coach Dennis Green may not have a choice. In case you were too busy running out to buy tickets to Rex's 2020 Hall-of-Fame induction ceremony, Warner threw three interceptions, including two in the end zone (talk about a rally killer) and then lost a fumble with the Cardinals in position to kick a game winning field goal. So now Leinart could potentially get his turn. At least, given the news of a couple of weeks ago, we know that Matt understands how to score.

* For those of you named Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, John Daly, Mike McDermott or Krusty the Clown, Vegas has made Warner's wife a 1-5 favorite over Brynn Cameron in a fight to the death cage match. And if you think that Brenda Warner would not fight a pregnant woman, then you have not seen Brenda Warner. I also advise against betting on the Washington Generals and opening a clown college.

* Still doubting the Madden Curse after hearing about Shaun Alexander's broken foot? I usually do not believe it that kind of stuff, but I'm still sending in my suggestion that Roy Williams be put on the cover of Madden '07.

* Any chance we can get EA Sports to make a Madden MLB game? A.J. Pierzynski would look great on the front.

* Finally, I have heard a lot of general commentary that too big of a deal was made out of the NFL's return to New Orleans last night and, in my opinion, those who are questioning the "hype" are missing the point. As most of you know, New Orleans is one of my favorite cities in the U.S. and it will always hold a special spot in my heart ("thewife" graduated from Tulane, we got engaged on the steps of St. Louis Cathedral, I once drank three Hand Grenades at Tropical Isle, there is a Margaritaville there). That said, last year after Hurricane Katrina practically destroyed the city, it was reasonable to assume that the NFL would never return. Yet, thirteen months later, there's professional football being played once again down on the bayou. No, the return of the Saints to the Superdome does not solve the continuing problems in the Crescent City and does not mean that the city is, by any means, "back," but the Saints are an important part of the culture of New Orleans and anything that allows the people of New Orleans to feel a sense of pre-Katrina normalcy once again, is cause for celebration in my book.

I also thought that ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football on ESPN and Brought to You by ESPN (sponsored by ESPN) did a terrific job with the coverage (with the exception of the five agonizing minutes when Spike Lee was interviewed in the booth). The production and announcing remained in the backround and let the pictures tell the story. Bravo to ESPN and Geaux Saints!

Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB Week-in-Review

First of all, congrautations to Slappers' team owner Todd Erdman, his wife Becky and their son Matthew on the birth of Harrison Daniel Erdman! At 8 lbs, 12 oz, he may want to consider taking over the Chiefs' left tackle position.

An interesting week in the RSFC, as potential sleeping giants Who You Crappin (101 pts) and Mr. October (91 pts) may have woken up and previously unbeaten teams like The Prosthetic Legs (46 pts) and Trailer Park Touchdowns (48 pts) may have shown their true colors. In any event, we enter Week 4 with three teams carrying 3-0 records, three teams at 2-1, three teams at 1-2 and a triumverate of teams looking, at this point, like they are as likely to win a game as Marilyn Manson is to be invited to sing at the Birmingham Southern Baptist Church. As always, only time will tell.

Game of the Week

* Spanky 50, Short Bus Experience 49

Not a particularily exciting game coming down the stretch, but anytime a game is decided by a single point it is worthy of being named the Game of the Week. Spanky runs its record to 3-0 behind 17 points from Donovan McNabb and 10 from kicker Jeff Wilkins. Short Bus just could not overcome zeros from Samkon Gado and Jemaine Wiggins and must be upset that he fell only one point short and has to live with 59 receiving yards from Steven Jackson, 78 yards from Laverneus Coles and a late game fumble by Marc Bulger that may not have cost the Rams a win, but ultimately cost Brian M a tie in the battle for the top of the Paris Division.

(For those of you not involved in the RSFC... (a) thanks for still reading, and (b) you get a point for every 20 yards rushing or receiving and fumbles are -1 point, so finishing with 59 or 78 yards stinks worse than Jerry's car after he got it back from the valet parking service)

Most Valuable Player

* Brian Westbrook (Who You Crappin) with 25 points

It would have been easy to go with the week's top scorer (Matt Hasselbeck) but 31-point games from QBs are a lot more common that 25-point games from running backs. Westbrook, who entered the game questionable with a leg injury, was sensational, scoring three TDs against the 49ers sad defense. Where is Ronnie Lott and the long-necked Merton Hanks when you need them?

Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention

- Matt Hasselbeck (Mr. October) with 31 points (Bald Matt is going to have to continue to play like Rex Gross... er... like Joe Montana if Seattle is going to continue to have success with last season's MVP, Shaun Alexander, sidelined indefinitely).

- Carson Palmer (Loafers) with 24 points (Palmer turned the ball over four times, but threw an equal number of TD passes)

- Willie Parker (Nickel Slots) with 18 points (Eli Manning actually scored more points for Tom this week, but I am hesitant to award someone who downright sucked when the game mattered and then padded his stats in garbage time. Don't know what I'm talking about? Think Steroid Sammy).

Least Valuable Player

* Chad Johnson (WWJBD) with 0 points

One catch? Eleven yards? That's a pretty cool blonde mohawk you got working, though, Chad. Steelers' cornerback Deshea Townsend is probably pretty upset about the loss, but at least he can put a check next to your name on the list in his locker.

Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention

- Donte Stallworth (Trailer Park Touchdowns) with 0 points (Stallworth's hamstring hurts more often than Tera Patrick's back. At least she still gives it a go every week).

- Randy McMichael (Slappers) with 0 points (It has been an incredibly successful year so far for McMichael. Oh sure, he has sucked on the field, but at least he hasn't been arrested for beating his wife for a couple of months).

- Samkon Gado (Short Bus Experience) with nary a carry (Samkon was a tremendous fantasy surprise late last season after Ahman Green, Najeh Davenport, Dorsey Levens, Edgar Bennett, and Eddie Lee Ivery all went down with an injury. Sorry, Samkon it's 2006 and your career is over).

Best Coaching Decision

* Play Tampa Bay Buccaneers D/ST (6 pts) and sit Washington Redskins D/ST (4 pts): Spanky

When you have two fair-to-good defenses, choosing which one to play is like choosing between the McDonald's that is 400 yards to the left and the one that is 400 yards to the right. You just have to hope that you pick the one that did not get the box of grub infested burgers. Mark's decision to play Tampa over Washington only resulted in an additional two points, but when you win your game by only one, you deserve a hearty pat on the back. Eat up!

Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention

- Play Dallas Clark (7 pts) over Chris Cooley (0 pts): Nickel Slots (Choosing between two mediocre tight ends is like choosing between Wendy's and Burger King...)

- Pick up and play Jon Kitna (17 pts), while dropping Chris Simms (one ruptured spleen, one blood transfusion): WWJBD (This deserves recognition because of the future implications. Kitna has the potential to score two, maybe three points in upcoming weeks. Simms has the potential to watch a lot of Who's the Boss reruns).

- Play Joey Galloway (6 pts) over Rod Smith (2 pts): Loafers (In a week that was frightenly weak in Best Coaching Decision of the Week candidates, it is impressive that both of Bill's receivers were able to put their walkers down for long enough to play. Loafers played the one who scored on the field and then again with Ethel Goldstein at the Golden Slumbers' swing dance later that night).

Worst Coaching Decision

* Play Laverneus Coles (3 pts) over T.J. Houshmanzdilly (16 pts): Short Bus Experience

I really cannot fault Brian M for keeping Houshmanzadeath on the bench given the questions surrounding his playing status, but his decision to play Coles is one that he has to look back on with at least some regret in a one-point loss. Houshmanzadallop came back strong from his heel injury and scored twice while Coles was limited to 78 yards. My guess is that Houshmanzadontyouwishyouhadanamethatwasthiscool rides the Short Bus the rest of the season.

Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention

- Play Kurt Warner (7 pts) over Brett Favre (24 pts): The Prosthetic Legs (Favre stepped back in time and lit up the scoreboard while Warner became the biggest goat in the desert since those Nevada famers got a little crazy with a plutomium rod. A decision that cost Dan (me) the game).

- Play Michael Jenkins (1 pt) and Donte Stallworth (thirty- two trips to training table) over Nate Burleson (8 pts): Trailer Park Touchdowns (Give Paul a break... he is still new to the RSFC. Nobody tell him that you do not get points for cortizone shots or electrical stimulation treatments).

- Pick up and play Jermaine Wiggins (0 pts) over Bo Scaife (7 pts), Eric Johnson (10 pts), Mark Breuner (6 pts), Chris Baker (6 pts) and Owen Daniels (6 pts): Short Bus Experience (With regular tight end Antonio Gates watching tapes of his 27-point performance in a loss to the Indiana Hoosiers (they had both a 'D' and an 'O' back then) in the 2002 Regional Finals while on bye, Brain M needed a tight end. Whoops! He would have gotten the same number of points had he chosen Tim Wrightman).

Gotta go. I hear Rex is posting pictures of Mike Holmgren eating an entire walrus. I've gotta check that out!

***Today's Sports Trivia Question: Dan McGwire was the first QB selected in the 1991 NFL draft when the Seattle Seahwaks took him with the 16th overall pick. In fact, the draft was incredibly weak as far as quarterbacks go with only seven selected in the first five rounds. Six of the seven are the memorable Todd Marinovich (24th pick); Browning Nagle (34th pick); Scott Zolak (84th pick); Donald Hollas (99th pick); and Bill Musgrave (106th pick). The seventh was selected #33 overall by the Falcons and went on to have an excellent career. Who was he?

Think that is easy? The Beara also selected a QB in the '91 draft with the 190th overall pick. Who was the former Arizona State signal caller picked by Chicago? It's a toughie...