And This Will Be the Day That I Die...

I am not sure about you but I sure was thrown for a loop upon hearing the news yesterday morning. I mean, I know that you should always expect the unexpected when it comes to Terrell Owens, but who can honestly say that they saw this one coming? I, myself, am still having a tough time believing that Owens actually overdosed on Guatemalan Insanity Peppers, spent the better part of the evening engaged in conversation with the space coyote and eventually wound up at the local lighthouse desperately trying to find his soul mate.

What's that? Michael Irvin says the rumors are false? T.O., himself, is claiming that he spent the entire evening at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama, helping the Pin Pals knock off the Holy Rollers and then trying to win the lobster harmonica?

Look, the truth is that nobody (other than Terrell and his idiot publicist) knows what really happened at Owens' residence on Tuesday evening and it is unlikely that we ever will know the truth. The Dallas Police Department has its story (that Owens was trying to commit suicide). T.O. and his inner circle have their story (that, uh, Owens, uh, took some, uh, supplements and, uh, some pain pills and, uh, he was groggy or delirious or, uh, something). And I have my story.

What bothers me is the reaction of the media. Due to "theson's" sudden illness, I was home for most of the day on Wednesday and was able to watch ESPN News' coverage of the attempted suicide/ overdose/ chemical inbalance/ horrible misunderstanding/ media stunt/ spin doctor extravaganza/ circus clown show. It really surprised me that most of the analysts on ESPN News were automatically willing to unequivocally believe Owens and his claim that he did not try to commit suicide. NFL "expert" after NFL "expert" came on and noted that T.O. obviously did not try to commit suicide simply because T.O. now claims that he did not try and commit suicide. John Clayton went so far as to say that we can be positive that Owens did not try and take his own life because the Dallas PD is not taking any steps to prosecute him, never mind the fact that while driving around with a "Send the Troops Home" bumper sticker may be a crime in Crawford, Texas, suicide, on the other hand. remains perfectly legal in the Lone Star State.

(It should be mentioned that as the evening went on, more and more analysts began to question Owens' story, including Stephen A . Smith, who sounded notably intelligent while being interviewed on ESPN last night. Smith, who I once disliked, had all his facts straight and asked the questions that still need to be asked. When Smith comes on, I know that I really should be disgusted by what I am seeing and hearing on my television, but like "America's Top Model," watching and listening to Smith is really starting to grow on me. With Smith there is no shortage of strong opinions, and at least, unlike the former Mr. Drew Barrymore, Tom Green, the guy has balls).

Certainly nobody should be surprised that T.O.'s inner circle immediately jumped up to defend him. But let's take a good look at who the inner circle consists of. Deion Sanders? Michael Irvin? Sheesh, that's like being on trial and having to call George Ryan and Dan Rostenkowski as your character witnesses. Irvin, of course, is probably the guy who gave Rex the Wonder Dog the idea to bring a camera to the annual NFL summer party referenced in the RT earlier this week. After all, despite numerous drug arrests and a known connection to strippers, drug dealers and other unsavory types, he continues to appear on the ESPN family of networks almost as often as Bob the blissfully happy guy from the Enzyte commercials and get cast in movies like "The Longest Yard." I can only wonder what type of pictures he has of ESPN's empty suits from the network's Holiday Party to allow him to continue receiving so much airtime.

(Note to "The Playmaker": Those pictures you have of Chris Berman and Stuart Scott doing thier own special rendition of Ebony and Ivory? Trust me, nobody is interested. Those pictures of Erin Andrews, however... sign me up!)

Anyway, we certainly know that we cannot take anything that Irvin says too seriously. History tells us that Irvin will defend Owens no matter what he does. Steal Raquel, the rival team's goat and Irvin will be there to claim that Terrell was just taking her out for a walk. Rob a Kwik-E-Mart and Irvin will be there to claim that it was actually Sideshow Bob in a Cowboys' jersey. Kill your former wife and her waiter friend and Irvin will be there to drive T.O. through the streets of Dallas in a white Bronco (the SUV, not Jake Plummer). In fact, if you have any familiarity with Irvin's relationship with T.O., you will likely agree with RT sometimes reader/ sometimes non-reader/ sometimes "Playboy: The Mansion" video game player "Nickel Slots" (or "Krivo" or "Tom" or "Mike McDermott") when he says that Michael Irvin would be likely to defend T.O. even if he tried to kill... Michael Irvin.

My gut tells me that T.O. did, in fact, try to kill himself. Why else would the Dallas Police Department have filed the report that they did and why would the emergency response personnel initially make the claims that they made? I know that the Dallas PD's reputation is one step above Britney Spears' these days, but claiming that T.O. wanted to kill himself just for sh*ts and giggles just does not make any sense to me at all.

And it simply is not that hard to believe that a man with Owens' history would be capable of taking his own life. A lot of information about T.O.'s past is suddenly coming to light and most of it is so out there, somone really ought to call Jenny Jones' producer. Supposedly, Owens' mother was only 15 or 16 years old when she gave birth to baby Terrell and he never knew his father until, as a 16-year old with raging hormones, he was told that he shouldn't date the girl down the street because she was his half-sister. Yep, young T.O. suddenly realized that the old guy down the street who sat on the stoop drinking Old English and listening to old Run D.M.C. albums was his daddy.

And his mental condition has concerned teams in the past. According to reports, both the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles tried to convince Owens to get counseling for his perceived mental instability, a suggestion that Owens completely shrugged off.

The bottom line is that none of us have any clue what really happened. At least, for one day, T.O. seems to have stood for "Totally Odd." But one thing I think we can all be certain of is that he has some serious problems and, if I am in charge of an NFL team (either as the coach, general manager, or team owner) he is a lot more trouble than he is worth.

* With all the T.O. coverage, at least we caught a break from having to listen to Sean Salisbury, Chris Mortensen and Sal "I've never left Philadelphia in my life" Palantonio talk about how "The Interception" was really J.D. Runnels and Ian Scott's fault.

* Like I said above, none of us really knows what happened, but I am sure that we can all agree that Owens' publicist, Kim Etheridge needs to keep her mouth shut. T.O. would not have killed himself because he has 25 million reasons not to, huh? Well, Kurt Cobain had roughly the same number of reasons to spend a little more time on this planet and he elected to splatter his brains all over the guest room at his Seattle home.

* Switching gears, I must admit that I was one of the unfortunate souls who woke up early Sunday morning to watch European golfer after European golfer handily defeat our American duffers. Things were so bad for the red, white and blue in the Ryder Cup, I would have been better off flipping on that stupid "Gazelle" infomercial with that guy who looks like he spent the better part of the 80's as the lead guitarist for White Lion, letting "thedaughter" watch The Wonder Pets or permitting "thecat" to turn on Garfield: The Movie.

Well, at least Sergio Garcia got his butt kicked by Stewart Cink. I am certainly not suggesting that we petition to have Garcia put on the cover of Madden PGA '07, but there is something about him that I just do not like (perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he kicks our butt at every Ryder Cup). Anyone catch the interview with him that aired during the broadcast where he stated that the Ryder Cup is the most important thing to him and more significant than golf's majors? Sure Sergio, I'd feel that way too if my success in major tournaments reminded people of Cindy's performance on the Quiz the Kids Show (I've used that before, haven't I?).

* I also applaud the tradition of wearing team uniforms at the Ryder Cup. Yes, it is unfortunate that Tiger does not get to wear his traditional Sunday red, but we are also spared having to see Sergio in lavender or pink. Look, unless your name is Barry Manilow or you are Homer Simpson after Marge washed your shirts with Bart's lucky red hat, keep the pink shirts in the drawer. You never know when you are going to end up in a mental institution sharing a cell with some guy from Jersey who thinks he is Michael Jackson.***

* The majority of American players played like Spaulding Smails. The only explanation I can come up with is that Phil Mickelson forgot his manziere, Chad Campbell was too busy trying to convince his wife that her visit to Dr. Robert Rey and subsequent appearance on the E network's Dr. 90210 was worth every penny and the geeky Jim Furyk was too focused on thanking the heavens that his bank account is as large as it is and he, therefore, landed a genuine hottie and did not have to settle for marrying Jane Smith, the receptionist at his local dentist office, who likes to spend her evenings scrapbooking and ordering $4 stretch pants from the Sunday newspaper Supr-Savr coupons.

* One thing I definitely do not understand about the Ryder Cup and match play in general is when players concede holes to their opponent. Look, picture a Cubs - Pirates game that is tied 3-3 with Pittsburgh runners on every base and zero outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) on the mound. What are the chances of the Cubs making it to the 10th inning? I'd say less than Jack Bauer being invited to the Logan family Thanksgiving dinner. Yet, Dusty and Larry Rothschild don't order (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) to simply throw one right down the middle so that Jason Bay or Freddie Sanchez or Willie Stargell can hit one over the Clemente Bridge (wait a minute, do they? That would explain a lot).

Picture a U of I football game with the score tied 17-17 (Tie game? They must be playing Wheeling High School. Okay, maybe Wheeling High School's JV team. Their girls' JV team) and their opponent having a first and goal from the one-foot line with 30 seconds to play. They don't just let the Wildcats score without at least trying to stop them, do they? Okay, what if Lou Tepper was not the coach? So, why do golfers concede putts, no matter how short they are?

We are constantly told how the pressure to make a key putt is different than practically everything else in sports. Pressure ripped apart Jean Van de Velde, Greg Norman and Roy McAvoy. We are told that, when faced with a big putt, you have to learn to pace yourself. That you are just like everybody else. That you need to turn the tap dance into your crusade. Hey, if I am playing in the Ryder Cup or any other high-pressure golfing tournament, I'm making every golfer make each and every putt (and hoping that a royal jackass like Colin Montgomerie misses, not so I can win, but just so I can laugh my butt off).

* A lot of surprising things happened on Wednesday. T.O. may have committed suicide, the Blackhawks seemingly have now won more games in the '06 preseason than they won in the entire 2005-06 regular season and a reported audience of 16 watched the White Sox game on channel 26 (hey, that is still more people than watched "Fashion House"). But Wednesday's most suprising story? The one that makes the Terrell Owens alleged suicide seem like an everyday occurrence? Yes, Cubs fans, Thing One blasted a home run to tie the North Siders' game with the Brewers in the bottom of the 9th inning and the Cubs went on to a 3-2 victory.

And despite the fact that the Cubs suck and have all year, you can bet that more the 16 people were watching.

Have a nice night. Try and stay away from mixing pain killers and supplements, will ya?

***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: What was the real name of the plumber from New Jersey who thought he was Michael Jackson when Homer met him in the New Bedlam mental institution? And, no, I do not really mind pink shirts. If you want to try out for the newest incarnation of the Backdoor Boys, that is your perogative.