With the Major League Baseball trade deadline a few hours away, a few thoughts are floating around my head...
* Good news for those of you planning on stopping by the McDonald's at 171st and Harlem this evening for dinner. It appears as though the Golden Arches will not be short staffed now that Ken Griffey Jr. is a White Sox (Sock?) and Carl Everett can man the chicken nugget machine as scheduled.
* Defense lawyers all over the Chicagoland area are disappointed. Apparently, Tony Phillips will also not be headed to the South Side.
* But, not as disappointed as the "Chicagoland Alomars Club." Every July 31, Pablo looks forward to tripling his membership with the arrival of Roberto and Sandy. Alas, it looks as though Sandy will remain the Mets' catching instructor and Roberto will stay in San Juan. At least, this way he will not have to cancel his annual "Where to Aim on an Umpire" seminar. I hear Rose from "Titanic" was going to be the special guest speaker now that she has Jack's technique down pat.
* I was quite surprised by the Sox trade for Griffey. After all, where is he going to play? Putting him in center is like asking Michael Clarke Duncan to star as a Munchkin in a remake of The Wizard of Oz. Sure, he may have been a fit ten years ago, but, it is likely no longer such a good idea now that it is 2008, Clark is 7'8, 460 lbs and Griffey runs like Paul Konerko.
* Speaking of Konerko... Well, let's just let one of the RT's most hated handle what is going on with Paulie. Hawk if you would be so kind. "He gone...
* ...to the bench."
* I would hate to see the Cubs make a move just for the sake of making a move. If they are going to do something, I can only hope that it is truly an upgrade. After all, who remembers Matt Karchner?
* For those of you who have understandably put Karchner out of your minds and promised that you would never think about him again....remember David Weathers?
* Karchner... Weathers... Felix Heredia... Shane Matthews... Dickey Simpkins,...walking out of "Ernest Saves Christmas" with tears in your eyes, muttering "That movie is so touching"... Dancing in your underwear to Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon." Great, now I have brought back all of your repressed memories. Say hello to Dr. Melfi for me.
* I just do not want the Cubs to imitate the fine folks from the Coors Brewing Company. In other words, please, no window dressing. Let's not do something just because it sounds good. Take, Coors' 4,863 recent packaging "innovations" as a example. Okay, I will give you the blue mountains. Stupid? Yes, but the concept, I suppose, is reasonable. But, the vented can? Excuse me? Does anyone out there really have that many issues with the way the beer pours when they are drinking a Miller Lite or a Bug Light or even a Hamms? Please. That has to be the worst marketing pitch since Spuds McKenzie.
* Raul Ibanez...now that's an idea.
* Finally, yes, it was I who stated my belief that the Brewers would win the division and the Cubs would battle it out with the Phillies and Mets for the Wild Card and I am not going to change my opinion. Nobody is happier than I am with the North Sider's performance in Milwaukee this week and nobody wants to be wrong more that I do, but I still believe the Brewers will come out on top in the NL Central. I very well may end up being wrong (and I certainly hope I am), but I made a prediction and I must stand by it. John Kerry I am not.
* Besides, like Smooth Jimmy Apollo said when he incorrectly predicted that that Denver would beat New England on The Simpsons, "When you are right 52% of the time, you are wrong 48%." I like to think I am a little better than that.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Does He Wear Huggies or Pampers?
Five innings...ten strikeouts...two hits....and only one run.
Oh yeah, I forgot the most important stat...87 pitches.
What? Was it nappy time? Was it time for Larry Roth-s-child to give him his bottle?
Harden has electric stuff, but if the Cubs are going to baby him THAT much, I say, no thanks.
Oh yeah, I forgot the most important stat...87 pitches.
What? Was it nappy time? Was it time for Larry Roth-s-child to give him his bottle?
Harden has electric stuff, but if the Cubs are going to baby him THAT much, I say, no thanks.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wait Until You See What Happens in 2014!
[Warning: This post may make your head hurt and you very well may accuse me of being Dennis Miller. But, if you fashion yourself a Cubs fan, please read on...]
It could not have been more than five minutes after Reed Johnson's grand slam last night, that I headed down to the Wagner family basement to dig the 'W' flag out of its storage place where I was worried it would remain for the duration of the season. I picked my way past piles of tangled Christmas lights, sidestepped mountains of compact discs (tell me again why I felt the need to buy Young MC's Greatest Hits... sure "Bust a Move" had everyone... well... busting a move in 1989, but to claim that he had greatest hits is the biggest farce since the release of The Neverending Story in the mid-80's...that frickin' film was a lousy 94 minutes long!), and I wondered why I still have not tried to unload the Olmec Indian head statute of X'tapolapocetl that Mr. Burns gave us in appreciation of the time "theson" donated blood to save the old man's life (yes, there are times I live in a fantasy world. Many times). I had just knocked over a pile of my old Hit Parader magazines when I saw a mysterious box. A box I had to investigate.
(By the way, why did Reed shave the mustache and long sideburns? For a minute there, I thought Dick Tidrow was back in the Cubs clubhouse!)
Neatly stacked inside the mysterious box were three well-worn books, dusty from years of inattention. My heart raced as I realized that I had at long last found the lost books of Danstradamus. I had succeeded where Geraldo Rivera and others had failed. And, best of all, all three were there... the Book of Broglio, the Book of Prior, and, yes, the book of Paul Kilgus. Page after page of short "Cubtrains" foretelling the future of the "Ursidae Infante de Chi-cago." Written by this author as a wee three week old (okay so they were actually transcibed...the old indian lady did the actual writing), the lost Cubtrains were specifically intended to help future generations prepare for the inevitable heartbreak that would follow. I had to see what tales of woe they foldtold.
First, I opened to Cubtrain #69. I read...
"Thy feline dark as night shall stroll
past the corner guard who shall never be let in
While the terrific one hurls spheres of fire
to uplift amazing nine past Ursidae Infante."
(Yes, I know I was not born in '69 people...it's called suspended belief).
I turned next to Cubtrain #84...
"The father of many, perhaps all, displays mighty clout
A triad of disappointments shall depress
The bull shall falter
and the Friars of the West ascend"
A tear formed in the corner of my eye as I recalled the shrine I had built as a twelve year old --a shrine to Ryno, the Penguin, Bobby D and Sarge -- meticulously constructed the night before Game 5 at Jack Murphy Stadium. I opened the next book, turned to Cubtrain #89 and read on...
"Mammoth warriors of the bay
advance with the thrill of .650.
While the man of grace will deliver
thy hawk's mighty wings clipped"
I bravely moved on. Thinking it apropos that Cubtrain '98 was nowhere to be found -- as if it had never even happened, I moved on to perhaps the most painful of all...Cubtrain #03...
"Five to count, the sphere shall soar.
Scent of loo pungent, thy son of Felipe tracks
Audition impaired, the bespectacled extends
Thy street flows with the tears of the believers"
Number '07 was not far behind...
"Snakes slither never to be caught in a web
A flower tosses petal with great ire
A hill the asp climbs
and on green the reptiles congregate"
Finally, I came to #08. Not sure if I could handle what it would foretell, I sat quietly and thought for a moment. I thought about all the memorable times. The Sandberg game. Kid K's 20 strikeouts. Watching Giant Joe Carter pop up for the final out of the '98 regular season and the celebration that ensued. I thought about seeing Carmelo Martinez's first big league hit, a soaring drive that nestled itself safely in the left-field basket. I thought about Wild Thing and Shooter...Big Lee and, yes, even Rick Aguilera. Mike Bielecki and Kevin Tapani. One Dog and Shawon. Hot dogs. Frosty malts. Marla Collins chasing after foul balls in shorts that would make Daisy Duke proud.
Finally, I took a deep breath and looked at the browning page. Each word seemed to float before me. I read...
"Miles north, the prince and man of great brawn
shall brew a sea of great joys
Whileist the ram, the rose, and the perpetually injured former starter turned closer (whoa!)
shall see a century extended."
Uh oh.
* Okay, let's get one thing straight right off the bat (get it...off the bat...I kill me), I recognize that I am not a genius. But, I do want to point out that I have been telling anyone and everyone who would listen that the Brewers will win the NL Central title since April (just think for a second what "thewife" has to go through. While you all have the option to read the Random Thoughts at your leisure, the poor thing is forced to listen to my ramblings on a daily basis!). And, as much as I hate to say it, I am now more convinced than ever that Milwaukee will fly right past the Cubs and never look back.
I know that many of you will label me a hopeless pessimst in the mold of George Costanza and Luke Skywalker when Yoda first told him to get the X-Wing out of the Dagobah swamp and I suppose it is a fair accusation. That said, I believe it is difficult for any Cubs fan to argue with many of my reasons why the Cubs will not win the division. While I outlined many of my concerns in the "Welcome Back" blog last week, the list does not end there. Let's take a look at the current state of the North Side...
* Kerry Wood is still not pitching and nobody truthfully knows when he will be back. Is it really a blister? A shoulder? An elbow? Markprioritis? Anyone else wonder why the Cubs brass' has asked one of the team's interns to visit this weekend's Kohl's "Greatest-Sale!-This-Week-Only!-Get-Here-First-Thing-Saturday-Morning-Or-You-Will-Lose-Your-Chance!-That-Is-Until-Next-week-When-We-Will-Have-The-Exact-Same-Sale-And-The-Weekend-After-That-And-The-Weekend-After-That...Sale" with instructions to clean the bed and bath section out of towels? Anyone thinking of buying stock in terry cloth?
* I'm not worried about Aramis' dry spell which, prior to Wednesday night, was beginning to reach Andy Stitzer proportions. Yes, he has seen his average fall from .303 to .269 since June 25. He has a history of success though and I am confident that he will be tearing the cover off the ball before long.
I do remain concerned, however, about Kosuke and Geovany Soto. We've been over the fact that Fukudome is more likely to turn into Hee Seop Choi than he is Ichiro, but Soto has received nary a mention last week. I really like Geo and think he has tremendous potential, but he has never caught for a full season on the major league level and he is already up to 94 games played.(including last night). Lou is likely better off giving Henry Blanco a few more starts even if it means taking Geo's big bat out of the lineup.
And, just for the record, I doubt that Kosuke will turn into either Choi or Suzuki. Ultimately, he is probably headed for a career similar to that of Chairman Kaga, the builder and proprietor of "Kitchen Stadium"... he'll offer a few thrills every once in a while and will engender an occasion smile, but, ultimately, he will disappear from the landscape and certainly will not make anyone forget Billy Williams.
* The Cubs' depth is not quite the strength it used to be. Example 'A' is Ronny Cedeno. Check this stat out... I know he does not play much, but Cedeno, who had 18 RBI on May 6, now has a grand total of 20. That's two RBI in the last 11 weeks for those of you who are mathmatically challenged. "Two RBI?!? That's all he has is two g*d damn RBI?!?" Yes, Harry Doyle, he has the same number of RBI as Ted Lilly.
* Jason Marquis has not been terrible this year, but he is absolutely infuriating. I mean, that guy makes me angrier than Borat after he found Azamet with his Baywatch magazine. A perfect example was Tuesday night. The Cubs finally got a clutch hit from Mike Fontenot to cut the D-Backs' lead to 2-1, yet Marquis gave the run right back in the next half inning. And the way he did it is typical. Hit the 8th place hitter (yes, I know he was Alex Hank Aaron Romero, but even Augie Ojeda has six career dingers), allowed the pitcher to lay down a perfect bunt, and then give up a two out hit to Stephen Drew. Don't plunk a guy with 68 career at-bats and the likelihood Arizona scores is exponentially decreased.
* The bullpen is mediocre at best. Like Stone Temple Pilots' singer Scott Weiland and John Wayne Bobbitt, Bobby Howry is half the man he used to be. Kevin Hart? Ugh. Michael Wuertz? He's Kevin Hart's long lost twin and they are both apparently closely related to Todd Van Poppel. And, who knows what you are going to get from Carlos Marmol the rest of the way, although I personally believe that his All-Star game appearance will act as a springboard for the rest of the year. At least, with Wood on the shelf with MikeBrownicondria, we better hope so.
* A number of things that happened in the last couple of days really surprised me. For example, Roger Federer lost in the opening round of the Rogers Cup. The Shock and the Sparks of the WGNL (that's the "We Got Next League") got into a real bench clearing brawl. The guy who makes Matzah and macaroons for Passover will take over for Roger Ebert on "At the Movies" (oh, that's Mankiewicz...). But nothing surprised me more than Derrek Lee's first inning home run in Wednesday night's game.
Last week I wrote about how people in Chicago seem to be talking more about what Juan Uribe ate for dinner last night than about Lee's lack of power and so I did a little research that may be of interest. It is almost impossible to believe, but, even with his round tripper last night, Derrek has now hit three home runs in his last 182 at-bats, while, as the same time grounding into 11 double plays (bringing his season total to a career high 21) (the double play number, by the way, is in 144 "attempts" for a ratio 1/15). For comparisons sake, Mighty Mike Fontenot, who sometimes looks like he would be asked to stand next to the Yosemite Sam "You Must Be This Tall To Ride This Ride" sign before being allowed on the Demon roller coaster at Great America, has six home runs in his last 59 at-bats. At the same time, Mike has hit into only one double play (57 "attempts;" ratio of 1/57 ). I ask a question that may seem silly at first, who would you rather have up in a clutch situation?
* Uribe, by the way, ate four whole fried chickens and a coke.
* and a large pepperoni pizza and a chocolate cake and a six pans of baked beans and a tub of play-doh and Boone Logan's third toe...
* While I have spent an awful lot of time bashing the Cubs, my belief that the North Siders will not win the division has as much to do with the Brewers and the fact that they are chock-full of talent. Braun, Fielder, J.J. Hardy (does he still have his periods?), and Corey Hart can all whack the ball all over the park. Further, Sabathia and Sheets are the best duo in Milwaukee since Lenny and Squiggy. Put it all together, and the Brewers have not had a combination of offense and defense quite like this since the days of Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Moose Haas and Pete Vukovich (Moose Haas and Peter Vukovich? Tell me again, how in the world the Brewers won the AL with that as their top-two starters?)
And, with regards to the pitching staff, it is not just about Sheets and Sabathia. Manny Parra (9-2, 3.68 ERA) is one of the most underrated pitchers in the National League. Would I put Zambrano, Harden and Dempster up against the Brewers' big three? Yes. But the Brewers talent cannot be denied.
* That brings us to the teams' remaining schedules. Now, if you do not realize that the Cubs have as many problems on the road as the protaganist and his son in Cormac McCarthy's Pulitzer Prize winning novel, please stop wasting all your time trying to get into the Charles M. Schultz School of Art by perfecting your drawing of the turtle and start paying attention! I mention this because the Cubs play 16 of their last 22 games of the season on the road, including four games in New York and the final three with Laverne and Shirley in attendance at Miller Park. And, while the Brewers do play 10 of their last 16 away from home, a broader look shows that the number becomes 1o of 26! This includes a four-pack with the pathetic San Diego Padres, who may be starting Eric Show by then, three with Cincy and three with Pittsburgh.
The Brewers do have to go to Philadelphia for four games in September, while the Cubs get the Phillies in the friendly confines (and, no matter how much he begs, Michael Jack Schmidt, will not be allowed in the stadium), while the opposite of true of the Mets (Cubs: road; Brewers: home). Both teams go to Atlanta, host Washington (hooray!), and play a number of games against the dregs of the division (Note: Milwaukee does have a lot more games against the Pirates). The biggest difference involves the Cubs playing the Marlins seven time, while the Brew Crew gets to toy with the aforementioned Padres for an setptet of games. Somebody please tell Tony Gwynn to back away from the buffett and pick up a bat. And, while you are at it, does anyone know where Kevin Brown is at and whether his right arm is still attached to his body?
* You will notice that I did not make mention of the Cardinals. The truth is that I am not concerned about the redbirds. Give Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan a lot of credit...they have done an amazing job with a team that has limited talent, but, ultimately, there is simply not enough there to hold on to the end in my opinion. And, yes, I am aware that both Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter are on the mend. Won't matter in the end.
* Bottom Line: Look, I hate to be pessimistic. I really do. But, the truth is the the red flags are everywhere. Now, I am not suggesting that Cubs fans panic. For example, I do not recommend running into the street and burning all of your Ivan DeJesus and Manny Trillo baseball cards. Further, please do not sacrifice any goats, build altars to Ronnie Woo Woo, or permanently move into the beer cooler at Murphy's. In fact, despite all I have written, I would not be surprised if the Cubs are playing post-season baseball. But, I would pay closest attention to the Mets, Phillies, and Marlins down the stretch as it says here that the runners-up in the National League East will be the Cubs' main competition for wildcard berth.
***Okay. First and foremost, thanks for making it all the way through this post. More importantly, if you call yourself a Cubs fan, it is time to prove it!!! Yes, I recognize that you are aware that Frank Castillo led the team in ERA in 1995, that Vance Law hit .293 in 1988 and that Joe Altobelli lost his only game as the Cubs manager in 1991 (at least now you are), but can you figure out all the references in the aforementioned Cubtrains? Give it a shot and post a comment! And feel free to write some of your own.
It could not have been more than five minutes after Reed Johnson's grand slam last night, that I headed down to the Wagner family basement to dig the 'W' flag out of its storage place where I was worried it would remain for the duration of the season. I picked my way past piles of tangled Christmas lights, sidestepped mountains of compact discs (tell me again why I felt the need to buy Young MC's Greatest Hits... sure "Bust a Move" had everyone... well... busting a move in 1989, but to claim that he had greatest hits is the biggest farce since the release of The Neverending Story in the mid-80's...that frickin' film was a lousy 94 minutes long!), and I wondered why I still have not tried to unload the Olmec Indian head statute of X'tapolapocetl that Mr. Burns gave us in appreciation of the time "theson" donated blood to save the old man's life (yes, there are times I live in a fantasy world. Many times). I had just knocked over a pile of my old Hit Parader magazines when I saw a mysterious box. A box I had to investigate.
(By the way, why did Reed shave the mustache and long sideburns? For a minute there, I thought Dick Tidrow was back in the Cubs clubhouse!)
Neatly stacked inside the mysterious box were three well-worn books, dusty from years of inattention. My heart raced as I realized that I had at long last found the lost books of Danstradamus. I had succeeded where Geraldo Rivera and others had failed. And, best of all, all three were there... the Book of Broglio, the Book of Prior, and, yes, the book of Paul Kilgus. Page after page of short "Cubtrains" foretelling the future of the "Ursidae Infante de Chi-cago." Written by this author as a wee three week old (okay so they were actually transcibed...the old indian lady did the actual writing), the lost Cubtrains were specifically intended to help future generations prepare for the inevitable heartbreak that would follow. I had to see what tales of woe they foldtold.
First, I opened to Cubtrain #69. I read...
"Thy feline dark as night shall stroll
past the corner guard who shall never be let in
While the terrific one hurls spheres of fire
to uplift amazing nine past Ursidae Infante."
(Yes, I know I was not born in '69 people...it's called suspended belief).
I turned next to Cubtrain #84...
"The father of many, perhaps all, displays mighty clout
A triad of disappointments shall depress
The bull shall falter
and the Friars of the West ascend"
A tear formed in the corner of my eye as I recalled the shrine I had built as a twelve year old --a shrine to Ryno, the Penguin, Bobby D and Sarge -- meticulously constructed the night before Game 5 at Jack Murphy Stadium. I opened the next book, turned to Cubtrain #89 and read on...
"Mammoth warriors of the bay
advance with the thrill of .650.
While the man of grace will deliver
thy hawk's mighty wings clipped"
I bravely moved on. Thinking it apropos that Cubtrain '98 was nowhere to be found -- as if it had never even happened, I moved on to perhaps the most painful of all...Cubtrain #03...
"Five to count, the sphere shall soar.
Scent of loo pungent, thy son of Felipe tracks
Audition impaired, the bespectacled extends
Thy street flows with the tears of the believers"
Number '07 was not far behind...
"Snakes slither never to be caught in a web
A flower tosses petal with great ire
A hill the asp climbs
and on green the reptiles congregate"
Finally, I came to #08. Not sure if I could handle what it would foretell, I sat quietly and thought for a moment. I thought about all the memorable times. The Sandberg game. Kid K's 20 strikeouts. Watching Giant Joe Carter pop up for the final out of the '98 regular season and the celebration that ensued. I thought about seeing Carmelo Martinez's first big league hit, a soaring drive that nestled itself safely in the left-field basket. I thought about Wild Thing and Shooter...Big Lee and, yes, even Rick Aguilera. Mike Bielecki and Kevin Tapani. One Dog and Shawon. Hot dogs. Frosty malts. Marla Collins chasing after foul balls in shorts that would make Daisy Duke proud.
Finally, I took a deep breath and looked at the browning page. Each word seemed to float before me. I read...
"Miles north, the prince and man of great brawn
shall brew a sea of great joys
Whileist the ram, the rose, and the perpetually injured former starter turned closer (whoa!)
shall see a century extended."
Uh oh.
* Okay, let's get one thing straight right off the bat (get it...off the bat...I kill me), I recognize that I am not a genius. But, I do want to point out that I have been telling anyone and everyone who would listen that the Brewers will win the NL Central title since April (just think for a second what "thewife" has to go through. While you all have the option to read the Random Thoughts at your leisure, the poor thing is forced to listen to my ramblings on a daily basis!). And, as much as I hate to say it, I am now more convinced than ever that Milwaukee will fly right past the Cubs and never look back.
I know that many of you will label me a hopeless pessimst in the mold of George Costanza and Luke Skywalker when Yoda first told him to get the X-Wing out of the Dagobah swamp and I suppose it is a fair accusation. That said, I believe it is difficult for any Cubs fan to argue with many of my reasons why the Cubs will not win the division. While I outlined many of my concerns in the "Welcome Back" blog last week, the list does not end there. Let's take a look at the current state of the North Side...
* Kerry Wood is still not pitching and nobody truthfully knows when he will be back. Is it really a blister? A shoulder? An elbow? Markprioritis? Anyone else wonder why the Cubs brass' has asked one of the team's interns to visit this weekend's Kohl's "Greatest-Sale!-This-Week-Only!-Get-Here-First-Thing-Saturday-Morning-Or-You-Will-Lose-Your-Chance!-That-Is-Until-Next-week-When-We-Will-Have-The-Exact-Same-Sale-And-The-Weekend-After-That-And-The-Weekend-After-That...Sale" with instructions to clean the bed and bath section out of towels? Anyone thinking of buying stock in terry cloth?
* I'm not worried about Aramis' dry spell which, prior to Wednesday night, was beginning to reach Andy Stitzer proportions. Yes, he has seen his average fall from .303 to .269 since June 25. He has a history of success though and I am confident that he will be tearing the cover off the ball before long.
I do remain concerned, however, about Kosuke and Geovany Soto. We've been over the fact that Fukudome is more likely to turn into Hee Seop Choi than he is Ichiro, but Soto has received nary a mention last week. I really like Geo and think he has tremendous potential, but he has never caught for a full season on the major league level and he is already up to 94 games played.(including last night). Lou is likely better off giving Henry Blanco a few more starts even if it means taking Geo's big bat out of the lineup.
And, just for the record, I doubt that Kosuke will turn into either Choi or Suzuki. Ultimately, he is probably headed for a career similar to that of Chairman Kaga, the builder and proprietor of "Kitchen Stadium"... he'll offer a few thrills every once in a while and will engender an occasion smile, but, ultimately, he will disappear from the landscape and certainly will not make anyone forget Billy Williams.
* The Cubs' depth is not quite the strength it used to be. Example 'A' is Ronny Cedeno. Check this stat out... I know he does not play much, but Cedeno, who had 18 RBI on May 6, now has a grand total of 20. That's two RBI in the last 11 weeks for those of you who are mathmatically challenged. "Two RBI?!? That's all he has is two g*d damn RBI?!?" Yes, Harry Doyle, he has the same number of RBI as Ted Lilly.
* Jason Marquis has not been terrible this year, but he is absolutely infuriating. I mean, that guy makes me angrier than Borat after he found Azamet with his Baywatch magazine. A perfect example was Tuesday night. The Cubs finally got a clutch hit from Mike Fontenot to cut the D-Backs' lead to 2-1, yet Marquis gave the run right back in the next half inning. And the way he did it is typical. Hit the 8th place hitter (yes, I know he was Alex Hank Aaron Romero, but even Augie Ojeda has six career dingers), allowed the pitcher to lay down a perfect bunt, and then give up a two out hit to Stephen Drew. Don't plunk a guy with 68 career at-bats and the likelihood Arizona scores is exponentially decreased.
* The bullpen is mediocre at best. Like Stone Temple Pilots' singer Scott Weiland and John Wayne Bobbitt, Bobby Howry is half the man he used to be. Kevin Hart? Ugh. Michael Wuertz? He's Kevin Hart's long lost twin and they are both apparently closely related to Todd Van Poppel. And, who knows what you are going to get from Carlos Marmol the rest of the way, although I personally believe that his All-Star game appearance will act as a springboard for the rest of the year. At least, with Wood on the shelf with MikeBrownicondria, we better hope so.
* A number of things that happened in the last couple of days really surprised me. For example, Roger Federer lost in the opening round of the Rogers Cup. The Shock and the Sparks of the WGNL (that's the "We Got Next League") got into a real bench clearing brawl. The guy who makes Matzah and macaroons for Passover will take over for Roger Ebert on "At the Movies" (oh, that's Mankiewicz...). But nothing surprised me more than Derrek Lee's first inning home run in Wednesday night's game.
Last week I wrote about how people in Chicago seem to be talking more about what Juan Uribe ate for dinner last night than about Lee's lack of power and so I did a little research that may be of interest. It is almost impossible to believe, but, even with his round tripper last night, Derrek has now hit three home runs in his last 182 at-bats, while, as the same time grounding into 11 double plays (bringing his season total to a career high 21) (the double play number, by the way, is in 144 "attempts" for a ratio 1/15). For comparisons sake, Mighty Mike Fontenot, who sometimes looks like he would be asked to stand next to the Yosemite Sam "You Must Be This Tall To Ride This Ride" sign before being allowed on the Demon roller coaster at Great America, has six home runs in his last 59 at-bats. At the same time, Mike has hit into only one double play (57 "attempts;" ratio of 1/57 ). I ask a question that may seem silly at first, who would you rather have up in a clutch situation?
* Uribe, by the way, ate four whole fried chickens and a coke.
* and a large pepperoni pizza and a chocolate cake and a six pans of baked beans and a tub of play-doh and Boone Logan's third toe...
* While I have spent an awful lot of time bashing the Cubs, my belief that the North Siders will not win the division has as much to do with the Brewers and the fact that they are chock-full of talent. Braun, Fielder, J.J. Hardy (does he still have his periods?), and Corey Hart can all whack the ball all over the park. Further, Sabathia and Sheets are the best duo in Milwaukee since Lenny and Squiggy. Put it all together, and the Brewers have not had a combination of offense and defense quite like this since the days of Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Moose Haas and Pete Vukovich (Moose Haas and Peter Vukovich? Tell me again, how in the world the Brewers won the AL with that as their top-two starters?)
And, with regards to the pitching staff, it is not just about Sheets and Sabathia. Manny Parra (9-2, 3.68 ERA) is one of the most underrated pitchers in the National League. Would I put Zambrano, Harden and Dempster up against the Brewers' big three? Yes. But the Brewers talent cannot be denied.
* That brings us to the teams' remaining schedules. Now, if you do not realize that the Cubs have as many problems on the road as the protaganist and his son in Cormac McCarthy's Pulitzer Prize winning novel, please stop wasting all your time trying to get into the Charles M. Schultz School of Art by perfecting your drawing of the turtle and start paying attention! I mention this because the Cubs play 16 of their last 22 games of the season on the road, including four games in New York and the final three with Laverne and Shirley in attendance at Miller Park. And, while the Brewers do play 10 of their last 16 away from home, a broader look shows that the number becomes 1o of 26! This includes a four-pack with the pathetic San Diego Padres, who may be starting Eric Show by then, three with Cincy and three with Pittsburgh.
The Brewers do have to go to Philadelphia for four games in September, while the Cubs get the Phillies in the friendly confines (and, no matter how much he begs, Michael Jack Schmidt, will not be allowed in the stadium), while the opposite of true of the Mets (Cubs: road; Brewers: home). Both teams go to Atlanta, host Washington (hooray!), and play a number of games against the dregs of the division (Note: Milwaukee does have a lot more games against the Pirates). The biggest difference involves the Cubs playing the Marlins seven time, while the Brew Crew gets to toy with the aforementioned Padres for an setptet of games. Somebody please tell Tony Gwynn to back away from the buffett and pick up a bat. And, while you are at it, does anyone know where Kevin Brown is at and whether his right arm is still attached to his body?
* You will notice that I did not make mention of the Cardinals. The truth is that I am not concerned about the redbirds. Give Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan a lot of credit...they have done an amazing job with a team that has limited talent, but, ultimately, there is simply not enough there to hold on to the end in my opinion. And, yes, I am aware that both Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter are on the mend. Won't matter in the end.
* Bottom Line: Look, I hate to be pessimistic. I really do. But, the truth is the the red flags are everywhere. Now, I am not suggesting that Cubs fans panic. For example, I do not recommend running into the street and burning all of your Ivan DeJesus and Manny Trillo baseball cards. Further, please do not sacrifice any goats, build altars to Ronnie Woo Woo, or permanently move into the beer cooler at Murphy's. In fact, despite all I have written, I would not be surprised if the Cubs are playing post-season baseball. But, I would pay closest attention to the Mets, Phillies, and Marlins down the stretch as it says here that the runners-up in the National League East will be the Cubs' main competition for wildcard berth.
***Okay. First and foremost, thanks for making it all the way through this post. More importantly, if you call yourself a Cubs fan, it is time to prove it!!! Yes, I recognize that you are aware that Frank Castillo led the team in ERA in 1995, that Vance Law hit .293 in 1988 and that Joe Altobelli lost his only game as the Cubs manager in 1991 (at least now you are), but can you figure out all the references in the aforementioned Cubtrains? Give it a shot and post a comment! And feel free to write some of your own.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Bear Down...
In celebration of Zacrey Atterberry and Zackary Bowman's arrival at training camp (nothing beats being able to trade in your $5.65 an hour paycheck at White Castle for a chance to carry Roberto Garza's jock strap for two weeks before being asked to bring your playbook to Lovie's office, huh, Zackary?), today's post will be dedicated to the Bears. That means there will be no questioning who the hell Alex Romero is anyway and why he felt the need to make me cry... we will not talk about how Wendell Kim is now coaching third base for the White Sox and apparently goes by the name of Jeff Cox... and we absolutely will make no mention of Ian Poulter's pink pants at the British Open. So, with a tip of the cap to Random Thoughts Ring of Honor inductee "Bearister," today is all about the Monsters of the Midway.
* Well looky here, Rex the Wonder Dog is back for another season of pinpoint passes, 25-yard scrambles, and media-savvy postgame interviews. You know, it remains an absolute shame that the Bears could not find a way to beat Peyton Manning and those pesky Colts in Super Bowl XLI given the fact that Rex truly deserved a better fate with the way he carried the team all season. It says here that Rex will finally take his rightful place in the upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks. Break out the bulldozers folks... it's time to start constructing the "Wonder Dog Wing" in Canton.
Wait...you mean, this isn't http://www.iowerexgrossmanmoney.com/ or http://www.rexsavedmefromapackoframpagingwildebeest.com/? Oh well, never mind.
In all seriousness, can somebody please explain to me the thinking regarding bringing Rex back for another season of abject crapiness? Have sales slowed in Chicago area liquor stores that much? Look, I am not going to stand here and boast that I have been adamant from the very beginning that Rex would do absolutely nothing to make anyone forget Jim McMahon (it's the Bears folks ---it's the best I could do...), but, as it turns out, Rex has not even done anything to make anyone forget Bob Avellini or Vince Evans (hey, to his credit, he has done enough to make us all forget Henry Burris). He sucks...it is really that simple.
It is a strange phenomenon, but for some reason certain people seem to have trouble letting go of things that are downright bad for them. Mr. Mom, for example, had a heck of a time trying to get Kenny to give up his Woobie... Maggie Simpson is freakishly attached to her pacifier... the Freelings wouldn't leave their house even after Carol Anne was sucked into the TV and the house told them it was haunted. I do not know whether it is Angelo, Lovie, Ron Turner or old lady McCaskey who is to blame and has an unhealthy affinity for short, lame-duck throwing former-Gator signal callers, but somebody please make Rex go away.
* All I can say is...go get em' Kyle. And if, even in spite of his ineptitude, it looks like the Wonder Dog is going to be behind center on opening night at Lucas Oil Stadium, go find Jeff Gillooly and see if you can borrow his crowbar.
*I guess you have to question whether it really matters who the Bears' QB is when the team's receiving corps consists of Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd, Mark Bradley, Rashied Davis and the aforementioned Zackary Bowman (don't get excited...he ain't gonna make the team.. although, if he did, he wold instantly be the greatest Zackary in the history of the NFL). Let that group really sink in and then wonder why Wendell Davis or Brian Baschnagel was not offered a contract. Heck, I'd think about asking Nick Nolte's character in North Dallas Forty to pop a few painkillers and strap on the pads.
I mean...Marty Booker? Did I accompany Dr. Emmett Brown in the DeLoren? What year is it anyway? 2000? Is Britney Spears still hot? Are people still listening to this Sony Walkmen? Why didn't the team bring back D'Wayne Bates and pick Alonzo Mayes out of the gutter?
It's not all bad, I suppose, as I actually think that Lloyd is going to have a better season than most expect, love Greg Olsen's potential as a tight end, and would like to see a guy like Mike Hass get a chance (see Waddle, Tom). But, to summarize...the Bears wide receivers? Umm...not a team strength.
* Well, hello there Mr. Benson. Welcome to the crappy ex-Chicago Bears Running Backs Club. This room here is known as the bust room. Say hello to Curtis Enis. He is the guy sitting right over there in the orange jump suit. And that fellow there...the one behind all the smoke, wearing the Toronto Argonauts Ricky Williams jersey and listening to Bob Marley... that's Rashaan Salaam. Please do not mind the corpse in the corner...Mrs. Hayward has been delayed in picking up Iron Head's remains for some time now. No, no you can't sit there. That seat is reserved for Kevin Jones. Don't you see the knee brace? Oh, and that guy there, that's Gary Scott. Wait a minute, how did you get out of the crappy ex-Cubs Third Baseman's Club? I specifically told Kevin Orie to keep an eye on you.
* Speaking of busts, why is it that everytime I hear a siren, I immediately think "Huh, I didn't know David Terrell was back in Chicago."
* Well looky here, Rex the Wonder Dog is back for another season of pinpoint passes, 25-yard scrambles, and media-savvy postgame interviews. You know, it remains an absolute shame that the Bears could not find a way to beat Peyton Manning and those pesky Colts in Super Bowl XLI given the fact that Rex truly deserved a better fate with the way he carried the team all season. It says here that Rex will finally take his rightful place in the upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks. Break out the bulldozers folks... it's time to start constructing the "Wonder Dog Wing" in Canton.
Wait...you mean, this isn't http://www.iowerexgrossmanmoney.com/ or http://www.rexsavedmefromapackoframpagingwildebeest.com/? Oh well, never mind.
In all seriousness, can somebody please explain to me the thinking regarding bringing Rex back for another season of abject crapiness? Have sales slowed in Chicago area liquor stores that much? Look, I am not going to stand here and boast that I have been adamant from the very beginning that Rex would do absolutely nothing to make anyone forget Jim McMahon (it's the Bears folks ---it's the best I could do...), but, as it turns out, Rex has not even done anything to make anyone forget Bob Avellini or Vince Evans (hey, to his credit, he has done enough to make us all forget Henry Burris). He sucks...it is really that simple.
It is a strange phenomenon, but for some reason certain people seem to have trouble letting go of things that are downright bad for them. Mr. Mom, for example, had a heck of a time trying to get Kenny to give up his Woobie... Maggie Simpson is freakishly attached to her pacifier... the Freelings wouldn't leave their house even after Carol Anne was sucked into the TV and the house told them it was haunted. I do not know whether it is Angelo, Lovie, Ron Turner or old lady McCaskey who is to blame and has an unhealthy affinity for short, lame-duck throwing former-Gator signal callers, but somebody please make Rex go away.
* All I can say is...go get em' Kyle. And if, even in spite of his ineptitude, it looks like the Wonder Dog is going to be behind center on opening night at Lucas Oil Stadium, go find Jeff Gillooly and see if you can borrow his crowbar.
*I guess you have to question whether it really matters who the Bears' QB is when the team's receiving corps consists of Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd, Mark Bradley, Rashied Davis and the aforementioned Zackary Bowman (don't get excited...he ain't gonna make the team.. although, if he did, he wold instantly be the greatest Zackary in the history of the NFL). Let that group really sink in and then wonder why Wendell Davis or Brian Baschnagel was not offered a contract. Heck, I'd think about asking Nick Nolte's character in North Dallas Forty to pop a few painkillers and strap on the pads.
I mean...Marty Booker? Did I accompany Dr. Emmett Brown in the DeLoren? What year is it anyway? 2000? Is Britney Spears still hot? Are people still listening to this Sony Walkmen? Why didn't the team bring back D'Wayne Bates and pick Alonzo Mayes out of the gutter?
It's not all bad, I suppose, as I actually think that Lloyd is going to have a better season than most expect, love Greg Olsen's potential as a tight end, and would like to see a guy like Mike Hass get a chance (see Waddle, Tom). But, to summarize...the Bears wide receivers? Umm...not a team strength.
* Well, hello there Mr. Benson. Welcome to the crappy ex-Chicago Bears Running Backs Club. This room here is known as the bust room. Say hello to Curtis Enis. He is the guy sitting right over there in the orange jump suit. And that fellow there...the one behind all the smoke, wearing the Toronto Argonauts Ricky Williams jersey and listening to Bob Marley... that's Rashaan Salaam. Please do not mind the corpse in the corner...Mrs. Hayward has been delayed in picking up Iron Head's remains for some time now. No, no you can't sit there. That seat is reserved for Kevin Jones. Don't you see the knee brace? Oh, and that guy there, that's Gary Scott. Wait a minute, how did you get out of the crappy ex-Cubs Third Baseman's Club? I specifically told Kevin Orie to keep an eye on you.
* Speaking of busts, why is it that everytime I hear a siren, I immediately think "Huh, I didn't know David Terrell was back in Chicago."
* And why do I always see Ricky Manning Jr. running the other way?
* In all seriousnes, you kind of have to feel bad for Benson. The poor guy was so close to completing the John Daly Memorial World Tour and now he does not get to go to Bourbon-nais. I mean, he had already made it to Margaritaville, Beer-ington, Rum-ington Heights and Zima-land. Damn cops and their blasted sobriety tests!
* Looks like it is going to be up to Thomas Jones to carry the load. Wait a minute, what did we get for him again? A bag of Doritos and an autographed photo of Freeman McNeil? Please at least tell me they were Cool Ranch.
* I doubt the offensive line is going to be a strength either, although there certainly may be some promise. Few in Chicago know much about first round draft pick Chris Williams of Vanderbilt, so let me introduce him to you all...
He is the only man to ace a "draw this turtle" art test. Everytime he goes swimming, Cedric Benson's boat appears. Aliens have asked him to take them to Eric Cartman's house. His organ donation card lists his toe nails. He is a fighter and not a lover, ut if you look like Kathering Heigl, he's going for it, so look out. His legend preceeds him like Jack Haley used to precede Dennis Rodman. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Busch Light Draft.
Too bad many scouts say he can't run block. Stay skeptical my friends.
* At least Olin Kreutz returns. of course, with both Rex and Olin back in the fold, we better set the over/ under on the number of dropped snaps at 12.
That's 12 per half.
* Good to see Mike Brown back in the orange and blue as well. Hey kids! Let's play "What's Mikey's next injury going to be?" And your choices are...
A. Pulled hamstring while tackling Kevin Jones in practice (who will likewise be injured on the play)
B. Broken nose after running into a wall after mistaking Garrett Wolfe for a smurf
C. Migraine headaches after spending 17-straight endless nights trying to teach Devin Hester a basic slant route
D. Sprained wrist from trying to prove to Chris Williams that he too can ace the "draw the turtle" art test
E. _________________ (Your turn! How do you think Brownie will get injured?)
* One of the biggest questions facing the defense is what version of Mark Anderson and Charles Tillman they are going to get. With regards to Anderson, are they going to get the fifth-round steal that terrorized quarterbacks as a rookie or the guy who looked all too much like Alonzo Spellman (without the handcuffs or ankle bracelet that is) during his sophomore campaign? Like every team, the Bears need to get pressure from off the edge and Anderson can be the guy.
A similar question applies to Tillman who has gone from being a future star to being an absolute disaster to being a solid NFL corner. Will the Bears get the guy who treated Randy Moss like his b*tch in a 2003 game at Soldier Field or the guy who was victimized by Steve Smith for 218 yards in the 2006 playoffs? If you believe in signs and you are an optimist (read: Bearister), you point to the fact that Brandon Lloyd voluntarily chose to sign with the Bears, when he likely could have signed with Minnesota or Detroit and gotten to face Peanut twice in the same season (don't even bring up Nathan Vasher...he will probably be shelved with a shoulder or an ankle or a bruised testicle). Of course, if you are a pessimist (read: me), well, you are probably going to just spend the winter counting the days until the Cubs' 101st season since their last World Series championship (Alex Romero?!?).
* Glad to see Tommie Harris healthy. I really like Tommie and trust that his realtive ineffeciveness last season is due to te fact that he was only playing at about 60%. Harris is a difference maker in the middle of the defensive front and can keep blockers off Urlacher and Briggs. Of course, Lance and Brian come with their own issues. After acting like Rod Tidwell when poor Jerry was trying desperately to keep at least one client from Bob Sugar's clutches, let's just hope that the two All-Pro linebackers are not too busy counting their money and are focused on making sure Adrian Peterson does not go for 300 against the Bears' D. Show me the money? Show me the tackles...
* And, finally, we come to the coaches: Lovie, Ron Turner and Bob Babich. Ron Turner we already know about. If you like vanilla ice cream, you probably love the Bears' offensive coordinator. He has about as much outward imagination as Adrian after prematurely giving birth to Rocky's son. At least, we think we know what Ron is all about and capable of. I suppose we do have to take into consideration the fact that he is hampered with the Wonder Dog at QB, John St. Clair (what in the heck is John St. Clair still doing in the NFL?) on the O-Line and a miserable sack of crap at the majority of the skill positions (my apologies to Greg Olsen). I guess when Mrs. Turner defends her husband by asking what Rembrandt's works would have looked like if he had only been able to use one color of paint, what the Beatles' music would have sounded like if they would have only been able to use the sitar, or how fondly people would really remember the movie When Harry Met Sally were it not for the Meg Ryan orgasm scene and you really can't do anything but shrug your shoulders and admit that she has a point.
I think we also know about Lovie. He is African American. He from a place called Big Sandy. He likes the Cover Two defensive scheme like Cookie Monster likes cookies (I'll tell you what...Lovie, you try a man-press blitz and Cookie Monster you try a Kit Kat Bar. Now, isn't that nice?). He says that Rex is his quarterback. Ahhh...I knew there was some reason I did not like him. Quick, someone go to Florida and bring back Ditka, just, please remind him to leave Doug Flutie at the midget circus.
The biggest question mark is Bob Babich. You sort of half to feel bad for Bob given all the injuries he had to contend with during his first season on the job. The truth is that we really do not know much about him other than he apparently also used to live in CoverTwoVille with his best buddy Lovie. The bottom line is that, while I am generally willing to give Babich and the defense the benefit of the doubt, something tells me that Ron Rivera is basking in the San Diego sun, sharing a cocktail with Ron Burgandy, and laughing at how far the Bears have fallen since the 2007 Super Bowl. Babich, after all, has to worry about Harris' knee; Vasher's groin; Dvoracek's ACL; Brown's foot, ankle, knee, thigh, shoulder, arm, hand, neck, back, pancreas, and ovaries; Anderson's sophomore suckiness; Alex Brown's career suckiness, Ricky Manning Jr.'s bail; where Hunter Hillenmeyer misplaced his hair gel; Danieal Manning's superfluous 'A',; and Paris Hilton's possible pregnancy and the effect it may have on his middle linebacker.
Ron Rivera just has to worry about making sure Shawne Merriman's nandrolone shipment arrives safe and sound every week. Ain' t life grand?
* Bottom line: It will come as no surprise to hear that I think it is going to be a long season for the Bears. I hate to say it, but, as things stand right now, I think we are looking at a 6-10 season and that may be being generous. Prove me wrong Rex...prove me wrong...
*** Once again, I do plan on posting as much as possible, so, if you enjoy what you read, please be sure to check back often. I would rather not fill your mailboxes with annoying e-mails.
Friday, July 18, 2008
This Isn't Gonna Hurt a Bit...
FYI...
Good news for the Cubs...if the scheduled pitching rotation this weekend holds, they'll miss both Haren and Webb while playing the D-Backs in Phoenix which is a little like going for an annual checkup and getting to skip both the blood work and the prostate exam.
Let's hope they get to come home to Chicago with a clean bill of health and a nice red lolipop.
Good news for the Cubs...if the scheduled pitching rotation this weekend holds, they'll miss both Haren and Webb while playing the D-Backs in Phoenix which is a little like going for an annual checkup and getting to skip both the blood work and the prostate exam.
Let's hope they get to come home to Chicago with a clean bill of health and a nice red lolipop.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
This Time It Counts...Just Like Last Time
After listening to sports radio for the past couple of days (by the way, is anyone else finally about to break down and actually make the trip to Northwest Indiana to check out John Chico's wide selection of dashing menswear?) , I cannot help but wonder whether I am the last person on earth who actually enjoys the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Now, don't get me wrong, it certainly does not rate as one of my favorite sporting events of the year, but I still look forward to it and make it a point to watch the game on an annual basis. I mean, who can forget Fred Lynn hitting a grand slam off Atlee Hammaker in a 13-3 AL victory at Disco Demolition Park in 1983? To put it another way, yes, I too would rather watch Yang and Lau versus Urlacher and Big Papi in a tough-as-nails badminton match, but, you've got to admit that watching Colorado Rockies hurler Aaron Cook try and get out of a bases loaded jam in a tie game in the 10th innning sure beats watching Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi stuff hot dogs down their piehole for ten minutes.
(Just for the record, Lard Ass would beat them both...)
There is no doubt that everyone's chief complaint revolves around the fact that the All Star Game is now used to determine home field advantage in the World Series. I, personally, do not have a problem with it. In fact, I kind of like it. What I have a problem with is the way the players are chosen and the way the game is managed. First, it is crucial to ensure that the BEST players are represented and, if this means taking the power away from the fans, so be it. Example #1 is Kosuke. Despite the warning regarding the limited shelf life of imports that appeared in Mondays' Random Thoughts (think Yahoo Serious), I like Kosuke. I really do. But, let's be honest here... he belongs in the All-Star Game like Cop Rock belongs on the list of the top television shows of all time. But, what can I say? Give 127 people a chance to stop trimming their Bonsai trees and put down their Poke'mon cards for long enough to log on to mlb.com and even George Steinbrenner's favorite Fat Toad, Hideki Irabu, probably would have had his moment in the all-star sun.
To problem does not just lie with the fans, however. The players and managers are also to blame. Jason Varitek is an all-star? You mean the same Jason Varitek who is hitting .218 with an on-base percentage that is lower than the aforementioned Irabu's weight. Varitek may be considered a terrific teammate and a clutch player, but the list of catchers that deserve to be in the Bronx more than Varitek simply starts with A.J. Pierzynski, Ivan Rodriguez, Gerald Laird, and Jake Taylor. Heck, why not Brook Fordyce or Ron Karkovice?
The bottom line is I simply cannot for the life of me understand how Varitek was chosen. One has to wonder what exactly the other players in the AL were thinking. Does he have incriminating pictures of A-Rod with Madonna? Does he know where Juan Uribe really stashed the gun in Santo Domingo? Did he speak with Frank Thomas' wife and realize that she has secretly invoked the "diminished skills" clause of their marriage contract? Nothing else makes much sense...
And, to heck with the "every team must have a representative" rule. What is this little league? Did Chase Utley cry when he stuck out? Is Geo Soto really only playing because he wants to go to Baskin Robbins after the game? (Man, I loved bubblegum ice cream when I was the starting second baseman for the Buffalo Grove Recreation Association's "Elks"). Is everyone mad at Miguel Tejada because it was his turn to bring a jug of grape Hi-C for the team, but forgot to after being distracted when his pregame delivery of Winstrol failed to show up at his hotel? If Giants' closer Brian Wilson and his Mike Morgan-esque 4.58 E.R.A. is the best you can do, you don't deserve to be represented. I mean, I like "Help Me, Rhonda" as much as anyone, but putting a bipolar Scizophrenic in the same dugout as Big Z may not be the smartest option. Just act Michael Barrett and his scrotal hematoma.
Oh, not that Brian Wilson? Oh, okay...
The other problem is the way the game is managed -- although it really is not the skipper's fault. He is simply doing his best to get as many players in the game as possible, but when the game can be potentially decided with Gil Meche on the mound and Freddy Sanchez at the dish (see 2007...), there is a problem. If home field advantage is to be decided by the All-Star Game than the game needs to be managed to win and the best players need to play the entire game. Period. I'm sure that all of Joe Crede's friends and family were delighted to see him manning the hot corner at the House That Ruth Built, but if you think AL fans would rather have him at the plate in a clutch situation instead of ARod than you probably think that Hellboy II is a lock for an Oscar. Either that or you thought it would be a good idea to leave Albert Pujols on the bench for the entire 2007 game.
Come to think of it, would someone please head out to Des Moines on September 1 and pick me up one of those Tony LaRussa bobbleheads. I know ultimately Chris Young, Brandon Webb and their D-Back teammates made the point irrelevant as far as the Cubs were concerned, but I would still like to smash that dang thing to pieces.
The bottom line is that I am not as vehemently opposed to having the All-Star Game decide home field advantage as the vast majority of baseball fans, but only if the necessary changes are made. Yes, there are alternatives that would work just as well (overall record, interleague record, most players who have dated Alyssa Milano, etc.), but, if you structure the game correctly, the All-Star Game is an effective solution. Albert Pujols versus Mariano Rivera with the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth and home field advantage on the line? I don't think anyone can argue with that.
(Postscript...the vast majority of this post was written in the first four innings of last night's game and, although I am certain that the cry is going to be louder than ever that it is just an exhibition game and the fact that both managers basically ran out of players proves that it should not and cannot be used to determine home field, I am not changing my mind. First of all, I do NOT want to hear anything about how the manager did not want to use certain players (i.e. Kazmir, Webb). If you are not willing/able to play, then let someone take your place who can and will. It is that simple. Second, the managers know the possibility of extra innings exists and it is their responsibility to prepare for such a situation. In fact, I would argue that what happened last night with the depletion of the rosters proves my point -- the best players have to be on the field at the end of the game. So, once again, my bottom line opinion is the same...make the necessary changes to the way the players are selected and the game is managed and it can work).
(And, by the way -- going back to the first paragraph of this post and my admission that I enjoy the game -- if you were not captivated last night by what turned out to be an absolute classic, there is a fried oyster eating contest on Fox Sports Mobile at midnight. Don't forget the Tabasco).
A few All-Star Game notes...
* A lot of eyebrows were raised when it was announced that Carlos Marmol was chosen to replace Kerry Wood on the NL squad. Although I must admit that I was quite surprised when I heard the news, it makes sense when you really think about it. It certainly seems like it was years -- instead of mere weeks --ago, but Marmol was absolutely filthy during the first two months of the season and was as responsible as anyone for the Cubs streaking out to the best record in baseball. To argue that he does not deserve to be on the All-Star team is akin to arguing that Greg Maddux should not be in the Hall-of-Fame given that his ERA has not been below 4.00 since 2003 (when it was 3.96). And, we all agree, that makes no sense.
* I can understand the argument that Marmol needs the time off and would be better spent drinking a Margarita on a Hualtulco beach, but being around the best in the game could wind up being just the tonic that he needs to recapture his stuff. Cubs' fans simply have to hope that Marmol stops for a second, takes a deep breath, looks around and realizes that he IS one of the most dominant pitchers in the majors.
(Postscript: Marmol looked like the April version in striking out two in an inning of work last night -- Wow, this may have worked out better than Cubs fans could have ever imagined if Carlos is able to regain his confidence as a result of his performance).
* The fact that the Sox did not have any pitchers in the game is an absolute joke and not the good kind... you know, the Eddie "Holy Cow Was I Funny Before I Turned Into a Talking Donkey" Murphy kind (want to bet that Don Cooper used his share of expletives when he learned that no Sox pitchers would be in New York. And speaking of cursing...Ozzie Guillen's response to an underperforming offense versus Eddie Murphy in "RAW." Discuss). In fact, I have not seen a pitching staff get this screwed since Jenna Jameson visited the 1987 Baltimore Orioles bullpen. It is unconscionable that they have the second best ERA in the major leagues, but are unrepresented. Does anyone look beyond statistics these days in making selections? John Danks' relatively low win total has got to be the only thing that kept him from making the trip and it is a shame.
* As a Cubs fan who understands that home field advantage could mean everything to a team that is 37-12 in the friendly confines, the result had me saying ugh. As in Ugh-la.
* Well, with Einstein Jones out of the league, the Random Thoughts is going to need a new whipping boy. Why hello, Mr. Ugh-la. Welcome to the RT! May your reign be long and vomit-inducing.
* Guess who made his first All-Star team? Milton Bradley! Good to see the former hot head make the AL squad. Although he has not achieved perfection this year, he has played well enough to make SportsCenter anchor Kenny Mayne shout out Yahtzee! With his infamous short temper, some scouts say that he sucks at the game of life and his poor clubhouse presence is too big a headache to deal with and will eventually be his downfall, but it appears as though his trouble may be behind him and he may be beginning to reach the summit of his career. I recommend he celebrate his selection by going to Candyland. And, unlike Eric Cartman, please feel free to buy him Ants in the Pants as a birthday gift. He doesn't want a red Megaman anyway...
* Yes, NycoMark...we all hate Chris Berman.
* Joakim Soria made the All-Star Team as Kansas City's lone representative. Soria appears to be a good young pitcher, but something tells me that George Brett, Frank White or Willie Wilson could make the team if they still suited up for the Royals. Yes, even at the age of 50-something. And, yes -- at least in the case of Wilson -- even after a night spent with Willie Aikens, Vida Blue and Doc Gooden.
* Soria's nickname is the Mexicutioner. Sweet.
And, now that you have learned something, I bid you adieu. After all, I've got a sudden desire to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
*** In the paragraph celebrating the all-star selection of Milton Bradley, there are 10 games referenced. How many can you name and please do not go bonkers trying to figure them all out? And, yes, they are all from Milton Bradley. Sorry, Parker Brothers, I understand your aggravation and, yes, I understand that Milton Bradley does not have a monopoly in the game market and that I am running the risk of making you really mad, but this post is celebrating Milton and not you.
****Yes, there are five Parker Brothers games in the above paragraph as well!
(Just for the record, Lard Ass would beat them both...)
There is no doubt that everyone's chief complaint revolves around the fact that the All Star Game is now used to determine home field advantage in the World Series. I, personally, do not have a problem with it. In fact, I kind of like it. What I have a problem with is the way the players are chosen and the way the game is managed. First, it is crucial to ensure that the BEST players are represented and, if this means taking the power away from the fans, so be it. Example #1 is Kosuke. Despite the warning regarding the limited shelf life of imports that appeared in Mondays' Random Thoughts (think Yahoo Serious), I like Kosuke. I really do. But, let's be honest here... he belongs in the All-Star Game like Cop Rock belongs on the list of the top television shows of all time. But, what can I say? Give 127 people a chance to stop trimming their Bonsai trees and put down their Poke'mon cards for long enough to log on to mlb.com and even George Steinbrenner's favorite Fat Toad, Hideki Irabu, probably would have had his moment in the all-star sun.
To problem does not just lie with the fans, however. The players and managers are also to blame. Jason Varitek is an all-star? You mean the same Jason Varitek who is hitting .218 with an on-base percentage that is lower than the aforementioned Irabu's weight. Varitek may be considered a terrific teammate and a clutch player, but the list of catchers that deserve to be in the Bronx more than Varitek simply starts with A.J. Pierzynski, Ivan Rodriguez, Gerald Laird, and Jake Taylor. Heck, why not Brook Fordyce or Ron Karkovice?
The bottom line is I simply cannot for the life of me understand how Varitek was chosen. One has to wonder what exactly the other players in the AL were thinking. Does he have incriminating pictures of A-Rod with Madonna? Does he know where Juan Uribe really stashed the gun in Santo Domingo? Did he speak with Frank Thomas' wife and realize that she has secretly invoked the "diminished skills" clause of their marriage contract? Nothing else makes much sense...
And, to heck with the "every team must have a representative" rule. What is this little league? Did Chase Utley cry when he stuck out? Is Geo Soto really only playing because he wants to go to Baskin Robbins after the game? (Man, I loved bubblegum ice cream when I was the starting second baseman for the Buffalo Grove Recreation Association's "Elks"). Is everyone mad at Miguel Tejada because it was his turn to bring a jug of grape Hi-C for the team, but forgot to after being distracted when his pregame delivery of Winstrol failed to show up at his hotel? If Giants' closer Brian Wilson and his Mike Morgan-esque 4.58 E.R.A. is the best you can do, you don't deserve to be represented. I mean, I like "Help Me, Rhonda" as much as anyone, but putting a bipolar Scizophrenic in the same dugout as Big Z may not be the smartest option. Just act Michael Barrett and his scrotal hematoma.
Oh, not that Brian Wilson? Oh, okay...
The other problem is the way the game is managed -- although it really is not the skipper's fault. He is simply doing his best to get as many players in the game as possible, but when the game can be potentially decided with Gil Meche on the mound and Freddy Sanchez at the dish (see 2007...), there is a problem. If home field advantage is to be decided by the All-Star Game than the game needs to be managed to win and the best players need to play the entire game. Period. I'm sure that all of Joe Crede's friends and family were delighted to see him manning the hot corner at the House That Ruth Built, but if you think AL fans would rather have him at the plate in a clutch situation instead of ARod than you probably think that Hellboy II is a lock for an Oscar. Either that or you thought it would be a good idea to leave Albert Pujols on the bench for the entire 2007 game.
Come to think of it, would someone please head out to Des Moines on September 1 and pick me up one of those Tony LaRussa bobbleheads. I know ultimately Chris Young, Brandon Webb and their D-Back teammates made the point irrelevant as far as the Cubs were concerned, but I would still like to smash that dang thing to pieces.
The bottom line is that I am not as vehemently opposed to having the All-Star Game decide home field advantage as the vast majority of baseball fans, but only if the necessary changes are made. Yes, there are alternatives that would work just as well (overall record, interleague record, most players who have dated Alyssa Milano, etc.), but, if you structure the game correctly, the All-Star Game is an effective solution. Albert Pujols versus Mariano Rivera with the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth and home field advantage on the line? I don't think anyone can argue with that.
(Postscript...the vast majority of this post was written in the first four innings of last night's game and, although I am certain that the cry is going to be louder than ever that it is just an exhibition game and the fact that both managers basically ran out of players proves that it should not and cannot be used to determine home field, I am not changing my mind. First of all, I do NOT want to hear anything about how the manager did not want to use certain players (i.e. Kazmir, Webb). If you are not willing/able to play, then let someone take your place who can and will. It is that simple. Second, the managers know the possibility of extra innings exists and it is their responsibility to prepare for such a situation. In fact, I would argue that what happened last night with the depletion of the rosters proves my point -- the best players have to be on the field at the end of the game. So, once again, my bottom line opinion is the same...make the necessary changes to the way the players are selected and the game is managed and it can work).
(And, by the way -- going back to the first paragraph of this post and my admission that I enjoy the game -- if you were not captivated last night by what turned out to be an absolute classic, there is a fried oyster eating contest on Fox Sports Mobile at midnight. Don't forget the Tabasco).
A few All-Star Game notes...
* A lot of eyebrows were raised when it was announced that Carlos Marmol was chosen to replace Kerry Wood on the NL squad. Although I must admit that I was quite surprised when I heard the news, it makes sense when you really think about it. It certainly seems like it was years -- instead of mere weeks --ago, but Marmol was absolutely filthy during the first two months of the season and was as responsible as anyone for the Cubs streaking out to the best record in baseball. To argue that he does not deserve to be on the All-Star team is akin to arguing that Greg Maddux should not be in the Hall-of-Fame given that his ERA has not been below 4.00 since 2003 (when it was 3.96). And, we all agree, that makes no sense.
* I can understand the argument that Marmol needs the time off and would be better spent drinking a Margarita on a Hualtulco beach, but being around the best in the game could wind up being just the tonic that he needs to recapture his stuff. Cubs' fans simply have to hope that Marmol stops for a second, takes a deep breath, looks around and realizes that he IS one of the most dominant pitchers in the majors.
(Postscript: Marmol looked like the April version in striking out two in an inning of work last night -- Wow, this may have worked out better than Cubs fans could have ever imagined if Carlos is able to regain his confidence as a result of his performance).
* The fact that the Sox did not have any pitchers in the game is an absolute joke and not the good kind... you know, the Eddie "Holy Cow Was I Funny Before I Turned Into a Talking Donkey" Murphy kind (want to bet that Don Cooper used his share of expletives when he learned that no Sox pitchers would be in New York. And speaking of cursing...Ozzie Guillen's response to an underperforming offense versus Eddie Murphy in "RAW." Discuss). In fact, I have not seen a pitching staff get this screwed since Jenna Jameson visited the 1987 Baltimore Orioles bullpen. It is unconscionable that they have the second best ERA in the major leagues, but are unrepresented. Does anyone look beyond statistics these days in making selections? John Danks' relatively low win total has got to be the only thing that kept him from making the trip and it is a shame.
* As a Cubs fan who understands that home field advantage could mean everything to a team that is 37-12 in the friendly confines, the result had me saying ugh. As in Ugh-la.
* Well, with Einstein Jones out of the league, the Random Thoughts is going to need a new whipping boy. Why hello, Mr. Ugh-la. Welcome to the RT! May your reign be long and vomit-inducing.
* Guess who made his first All-Star team? Milton Bradley! Good to see the former hot head make the AL squad. Although he has not achieved perfection this year, he has played well enough to make SportsCenter anchor Kenny Mayne shout out Yahtzee! With his infamous short temper, some scouts say that he sucks at the game of life and his poor clubhouse presence is too big a headache to deal with and will eventually be his downfall, but it appears as though his trouble may be behind him and he may be beginning to reach the summit of his career. I recommend he celebrate his selection by going to Candyland. And, unlike Eric Cartman, please feel free to buy him Ants in the Pants as a birthday gift. He doesn't want a red Megaman anyway...
* Yes, NycoMark...we all hate Chris Berman.
* Joakim Soria made the All-Star Team as Kansas City's lone representative. Soria appears to be a good young pitcher, but something tells me that George Brett, Frank White or Willie Wilson could make the team if they still suited up for the Royals. Yes, even at the age of 50-something. And, yes -- at least in the case of Wilson -- even after a night spent with Willie Aikens, Vida Blue and Doc Gooden.
* Soria's nickname is the Mexicutioner. Sweet.
And, now that you have learned something, I bid you adieu. After all, I've got a sudden desire to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
*** In the paragraph celebrating the all-star selection of Milton Bradley, there are 10 games referenced. How many can you name and please do not go bonkers trying to figure them all out? And, yes, they are all from Milton Bradley. Sorry, Parker Brothers, I understand your aggravation and, yes, I understand that Milton Bradley does not have a monopoly in the game market and that I am running the risk of making you really mad, but this post is celebrating Milton and not you.
****Yes, there are five Parker Brothers games in the above paragraph as well!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I'm Gonna Catch Me A Whopper!
[Sign Hanging on Door: "Gone Fishin'"]
There are certain traditions and rules in baseball that are most accurately described as nonsensical. For example, I have never been able to understand how a pitcher can throw a ball twenty feet over the first baseman's head on what should be the third out and then proceed to give up sixteen straight hits (that would probably be sixteen straight walks if your name is Carlos Marmol and the month starts with the letter 'J') and still be charged with ZERO earned runs.
Likewise, doesn't it seem a bit odd that baseball teams get so many days off during the first month of the season, yet are forced to play 26 straight days in the middle of the summer when it is, as Adrian Cronauer would say, hot...real hot...damn hot...so hot you could do a little crotch pot cooking? Yes, I have heard the argument that the players are just starting out the season and, therefore, not in mid-season form, but aren't these supposed to be well-conditioned athletes? I certainly understand there was a time when the off-season would be spent huntin', wrasslin' and chasin' Marilyn Monroe and Katharine Hepburn, but times supposedly have changed. Isn't today's major league baseball player supposed to come to spring training looking more like Mr. Clean and less like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, unless their name is CC, Prince or Bobby Jenks?
Well, I suppose it is what it is and I am in no position to argue. That said, let's just pretend that it is a brand new season of Random Thoughts and yesterday was opening day. Yes, I know that yesterday was perhaps the greastest opening day since Tuffy Rhodes belted three home runs off Doc Gooden and the Mets and you just cannot wait for more, but, Bud Selig and his minions have spoken. A day off is scheduled and a day off I shall take...
* Look, I know many of you are probably thinking "Oh great...here we go again" and I certainly cannot blame you. The bottom line is that I have no idea how often I am going to post. Frankly, my goal is to post 2-3 times a week, but with my schedule and the fact that I never know if I am going to be in St. Charles, St. Louis or St. Mark's Square two weeks from Tuesday, I simply cannot make any promises. All, I ask is that you check the RT once in a while as you simply never know when a new batch of Random Thoughts will be posted (and I really do not want to interfere with the hundreds of ads for Levitra in your inbox). One thing I can promise you is that it will NOT be another eleven months and there will be a new post long before Mark Prior ever pitches again!
There are certain traditions and rules in baseball that are most accurately described as nonsensical. For example, I have never been able to understand how a pitcher can throw a ball twenty feet over the first baseman's head on what should be the third out and then proceed to give up sixteen straight hits (that would probably be sixteen straight walks if your name is Carlos Marmol and the month starts with the letter 'J') and still be charged with ZERO earned runs.
Likewise, doesn't it seem a bit odd that baseball teams get so many days off during the first month of the season, yet are forced to play 26 straight days in the middle of the summer when it is, as Adrian Cronauer would say, hot...real hot...damn hot...so hot you could do a little crotch pot cooking? Yes, I have heard the argument that the players are just starting out the season and, therefore, not in mid-season form, but aren't these supposed to be well-conditioned athletes? I certainly understand there was a time when the off-season would be spent huntin', wrasslin' and chasin' Marilyn Monroe and Katharine Hepburn, but times supposedly have changed. Isn't today's major league baseball player supposed to come to spring training looking more like Mr. Clean and less like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, unless their name is CC, Prince or Bobby Jenks?
Well, I suppose it is what it is and I am in no position to argue. That said, let's just pretend that it is a brand new season of Random Thoughts and yesterday was opening day. Yes, I know that yesterday was perhaps the greastest opening day since Tuffy Rhodes belted three home runs off Doc Gooden and the Mets and you just cannot wait for more, but, Bud Selig and his minions have spoken. A day off is scheduled and a day off I shall take...
* Look, I know many of you are probably thinking "Oh great...here we go again" and I certainly cannot blame you. The bottom line is that I have no idea how often I am going to post. Frankly, my goal is to post 2-3 times a week, but with my schedule and the fact that I never know if I am going to be in St. Charles, St. Louis or St. Mark's Square two weeks from Tuesday, I simply cannot make any promises. All, I ask is that you check the RT once in a while as you simply never know when a new batch of Random Thoughts will be posted (and I really do not want to interfere with the hundreds of ads for Levitra in your inbox). One thing I can promise you is that it will NOT be another eleven months and there will be a new post long before Mark Prior ever pitches again!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Who Needs Two?
Okay, what do you say we not waste time with a pathetic intro about my prolonged absence (which incidentally lasted exactly 17 weeks and five days longer than Edward Stratton III's marriage) and instead jump right into the fun? And, no, you won't find any two word phrases on your fax machine. After all, I have no interest in ultimately moving to Washington D.C. (unless, of course, I get to live next to Saaaandra).
* Word has come out that Kerry Wood is off to visit a hand specialist about his "friction" blister. Uh oh.
For those of you interested, on August 5 the San Diego (he will always be the San Diego) Chicken will be appearing at Principal Park. Already got tickets to the R. Kelly "It's a Damn Good Thing I'm Famous" show that night and can't make it? Well, exactly one week later, it is lunchbox night. A new Knight Rider one would be cool...
I'm not saying, I'm just saying. Better order your tickets now to be safe.
* By the way, teens get in for half price. That's the R. Kelly show, not the Iowa Cubs game. And, by the way, I hear Marc Chumura will be there for those of you who admit to being Packers fans.
* Wait, what the heck do you mean Rich Hill is going to be featured on the lunchbox and not David Hasselholf?!?
* I love the Rich Harden acquisition. I hate the fact that the Cubs are going to treat him with kid gloves. Look, the guy is either hurt or he isn't. And, if he isn't, I say screw the pitch count. And, if he is...well, let's hope Sean Gallagher does not turn into Ricky Nolasco.
In any event, did I mention that September 1 is Tony LaRussa Bobblehead night? Say hello to Micah Hoffpauir and Jason Dubois while you are there. And don't forget to get your picture taken next to the Mark Prior Memorial Towel Drill Statute.
* Wait a second...a Tony LaRussa bobblehead doll night at an Iowa Cubs game? What the hell is that? That makes about as much sense as asking Kelvin Sampson to teach a class on college basketball recruiting ethics. I mean, couldn't they find some other manager that would be willing to have their likeness memorialized in bobble-head form? Did Jim Riggleman say no? Could they not find Bruce Kimm to get his permission? Haven't they ever heard of Herman Franks?
Coming in 2009... A.J. Pierzynski punching bag night and Steve Bartman autographed earphones day.
* Yes, Jason Dubois is back in the Cubs system. See...sure I've been gone for a while, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. He's actually hitting a lot of home runs. I would not be too concerned about my job if I were Sore-iano, Edmonds or any of the other Cubs outfielders, but, if I was Crash Davis I may want to stop arguing with Orleans Parish District Attorney Jim Garrison regarding whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and think about practicing the line "records are meant to be broken."
* Hmm...Kevin Costner played both Crash Davis and Jim Garrison. Weird. I wonder how he reconciles that? Of course, he also played Robin of Locksley not that it has anything to do with anything.
* Look, I have no idea if the 100-year drought is going to end this October, but I do know that with British Columbia natives Harden and Ryan Dempster on the staff, the Cubs are not only the team most likely to have Molson in the clubhouse, but also the prohibitive favorites to win the MLB Curling championship and the Bryan Adams trivia challenge. Perhaps the new owner can look into paying these guys with jugs of moose milk.
* The answer to question #25 in the aforementioned challenge, by the way, is "Summer of '69." Paramedics to the WGN Radio booth. I repeat, paramedics to the WGN Radio booth stat!
* At least if things do not work out, we have a built in excuse now. "With their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies..." Just ask Sheila Brofslowski.
* Whoa! Carlos Marmol suddenly turned into a combination of Felix Heredia and Antonio Alfonseca. If I was Lou or Larry Roth-S-child, I would check to make sure he still has only five fingers on each hand. Now, I am a self-admitted pessimist when it comes to my favorite baseball team and so it shouldn't surprise you to hear that Marmol's recent performance has me as worried as a parent who lets his child spend the night with Michael Jackson, but even the most optimistic Cubs fan has to admit that this is real cause for alarm and has the potential to really hinder the bullpen for the rest of the year. Anyone know what Matt Karchner is up to?
* Remember in the early-mid 80's when all things Australia were the rage? A time when American culture was dominated by the land where women glow and men plunder? A time when Koala Blue was the place to see and be seen. A time when Olivia Newton-John was more than just the chick in the tight leather pants who tells Danny Zucko he better shape up because she needs a man. I certainly do.
I take you down memory lane to remind you that, as cruel as it is, many imports have a limited shelf life and I am concerned that major league pitching has figured out the Cubs' right fielder. Let's just hope that Kosuke lasts longer in Chicago than Shingo and does not find himself joining Takatsu working in a Hello Kitty factory six miles north of Osaka.
* Wait a minute...I recognize that foreman who is asking Hee Seop Choi to sew those Chococat dolls a little more quickly. Why yes, it is Bruce Kimm!!!
* Yes, I have used that one before. Jeez, I was hoping that at least one of you out there was named Jason Bourne.
* Yeah, that one too. Can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover.
* Why is nobody in Chicago talking about the fact that Derrek Lee has hit the same number of home runs since June 1 as CC Sabathia? I have not seen a power outage like this since millions of Notheasterners had to miss the Disney premiere of The Cheetah Girls in August of '03. Hey, at least he is not Paul Konerko...
* For those of you wondering... Thing One*** is hitting .183 for the Baltimore Orioles and still terrorizing Sally and that unnamed kid on days when it is too wet to play. Thing Two is hanging out with Lenny Bruce in an amphetemines den, patiently awaiting a call from Dusty Baker. Stephen Hawking Hairston is hitting .349 (.349!!!) for the Reds (Ty Cobb Hairston?). And Random Thoughts Hottie #1 welcomed Honor Marie Warren on June 7. Okay now...everyone together...and don't worry...it will come back to you. Knee-high black leather boots. Navel piercing. Nancy Callahan dancing on the bar in Sin City. Now, isn't that better?
* Finally (and I still cannot believe I have waited this long to blog about this!), I must share one of the most satisfying experiences I have had at a sporting events with the loyal readers of the Random Thoughts. As most of you know, there are certain athletes that are rather, shall we say, disliked by this author and widely criticized for their inept ability, aggravating manner or downright stupidity. I, for example, would not shed a tear if Hawk Harrelson, A.J. Pierzynski or Will Oh-Man! found themselves on Drew Petersen's hit list, but few athletes have been written about in this space with more vitriol that Einstein Jones.
And so it was last October when, on an unseasonable 89-degree Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting in the second row of the centerfield bleachers watching my beloved Cubs get swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. I believe it was the top of the eight inning when it dawned on me, WrigleyBill's wife and everyone else around us that there would be no amazing comback and the North Siders' season was about to come to an end. And there he was...a mere 15-20 feet away.
Well, exactly what I said is not important.. What is important is that Jacque Jones, the man who has raised more ire than anyone in Random Thoughts history, turned around, looked me in the eye, and gave me the the one-finger salute. Yes, Einstein you are #1. And, no, I would not like fries with that.
***For those of you who are new to the RT and those of you who are Jason Bourne...Thing One is former-Cub Freddie Bynum, thing two is Neifi Perez, Stephen Hawking Hairston is Jerry Hairston Jr. (duh!), and Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is Susan Storm, aka Honey Daniels, aka Max Guevara, aka "Possibly The Hottest Chick on the Planet."
* Sheesh, do you expect me to do all the work for you?
* Word has come out that Kerry Wood is off to visit a hand specialist about his "friction" blister. Uh oh.
For those of you interested, on August 5 the San Diego (he will always be the San Diego) Chicken will be appearing at Principal Park. Already got tickets to the R. Kelly "It's a Damn Good Thing I'm Famous" show that night and can't make it? Well, exactly one week later, it is lunchbox night. A new Knight Rider one would be cool...
I'm not saying, I'm just saying. Better order your tickets now to be safe.
* By the way, teens get in for half price. That's the R. Kelly show, not the Iowa Cubs game. And, by the way, I hear Marc Chumura will be there for those of you who admit to being Packers fans.
* Wait, what the heck do you mean Rich Hill is going to be featured on the lunchbox and not David Hasselholf?!?
* I love the Rich Harden acquisition. I hate the fact that the Cubs are going to treat him with kid gloves. Look, the guy is either hurt or he isn't. And, if he isn't, I say screw the pitch count. And, if he is...well, let's hope Sean Gallagher does not turn into Ricky Nolasco.
In any event, did I mention that September 1 is Tony LaRussa Bobblehead night? Say hello to Micah Hoffpauir and Jason Dubois while you are there. And don't forget to get your picture taken next to the Mark Prior Memorial Towel Drill Statute.
* Wait a second...a Tony LaRussa bobblehead doll night at an Iowa Cubs game? What the hell is that? That makes about as much sense as asking Kelvin Sampson to teach a class on college basketball recruiting ethics. I mean, couldn't they find some other manager that would be willing to have their likeness memorialized in bobble-head form? Did Jim Riggleman say no? Could they not find Bruce Kimm to get his permission? Haven't they ever heard of Herman Franks?
Coming in 2009... A.J. Pierzynski punching bag night and Steve Bartman autographed earphones day.
* Yes, Jason Dubois is back in the Cubs system. See...sure I've been gone for a while, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. He's actually hitting a lot of home runs. I would not be too concerned about my job if I were Sore-iano, Edmonds or any of the other Cubs outfielders, but, if I was Crash Davis I may want to stop arguing with Orleans Parish District Attorney Jim Garrison regarding whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and think about practicing the line "records are meant to be broken."
* Hmm...Kevin Costner played both Crash Davis and Jim Garrison. Weird. I wonder how he reconciles that? Of course, he also played Robin of Locksley not that it has anything to do with anything.
* Look, I have no idea if the 100-year drought is going to end this October, but I do know that with British Columbia natives Harden and Ryan Dempster on the staff, the Cubs are not only the team most likely to have Molson in the clubhouse, but also the prohibitive favorites to win the MLB Curling championship and the Bryan Adams trivia challenge. Perhaps the new owner can look into paying these guys with jugs of moose milk.
* The answer to question #25 in the aforementioned challenge, by the way, is "Summer of '69." Paramedics to the WGN Radio booth. I repeat, paramedics to the WGN Radio booth stat!
* At least if things do not work out, we have a built in excuse now. "With their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies..." Just ask Sheila Brofslowski.
* Whoa! Carlos Marmol suddenly turned into a combination of Felix Heredia and Antonio Alfonseca. If I was Lou or Larry Roth-S-child, I would check to make sure he still has only five fingers on each hand. Now, I am a self-admitted pessimist when it comes to my favorite baseball team and so it shouldn't surprise you to hear that Marmol's recent performance has me as worried as a parent who lets his child spend the night with Michael Jackson, but even the most optimistic Cubs fan has to admit that this is real cause for alarm and has the potential to really hinder the bullpen for the rest of the year. Anyone know what Matt Karchner is up to?
* Remember in the early-mid 80's when all things Australia were the rage? A time when American culture was dominated by the land where women glow and men plunder? A time when Koala Blue was the place to see and be seen. A time when Olivia Newton-John was more than just the chick in the tight leather pants who tells Danny Zucko he better shape up because she needs a man. I certainly do.
I take you down memory lane to remind you that, as cruel as it is, many imports have a limited shelf life and I am concerned that major league pitching has figured out the Cubs' right fielder. Let's just hope that Kosuke lasts longer in Chicago than Shingo and does not find himself joining Takatsu working in a Hello Kitty factory six miles north of Osaka.
* Wait a minute...I recognize that foreman who is asking Hee Seop Choi to sew those Chococat dolls a little more quickly. Why yes, it is Bruce Kimm!!!
* Yes, I have used that one before. Jeez, I was hoping that at least one of you out there was named Jason Bourne.
* Yeah, that one too. Can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover.
* Why is nobody in Chicago talking about the fact that Derrek Lee has hit the same number of home runs since June 1 as CC Sabathia? I have not seen a power outage like this since millions of Notheasterners had to miss the Disney premiere of The Cheetah Girls in August of '03. Hey, at least he is not Paul Konerko...
* For those of you wondering... Thing One*** is hitting .183 for the Baltimore Orioles and still terrorizing Sally and that unnamed kid on days when it is too wet to play. Thing Two is hanging out with Lenny Bruce in an amphetemines den, patiently awaiting a call from Dusty Baker. Stephen Hawking Hairston is hitting .349 (.349!!!) for the Reds (Ty Cobb Hairston?). And Random Thoughts Hottie #1 welcomed Honor Marie Warren on June 7. Okay now...everyone together...and don't worry...it will come back to you. Knee-high black leather boots. Navel piercing. Nancy Callahan dancing on the bar in Sin City. Now, isn't that better?
* Finally (and I still cannot believe I have waited this long to blog about this!), I must share one of the most satisfying experiences I have had at a sporting events with the loyal readers of the Random Thoughts. As most of you know, there are certain athletes that are rather, shall we say, disliked by this author and widely criticized for their inept ability, aggravating manner or downright stupidity. I, for example, would not shed a tear if Hawk Harrelson, A.J. Pierzynski or Will Oh-Man! found themselves on Drew Petersen's hit list, but few athletes have been written about in this space with more vitriol that Einstein Jones.
And so it was last October when, on an unseasonable 89-degree Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting in the second row of the centerfield bleachers watching my beloved Cubs get swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. I believe it was the top of the eight inning when it dawned on me, WrigleyBill's wife and everyone else around us that there would be no amazing comback and the North Siders' season was about to come to an end. And there he was...a mere 15-20 feet away.
Well, exactly what I said is not important.. What is important is that Jacque Jones, the man who has raised more ire than anyone in Random Thoughts history, turned around, looked me in the eye, and gave me the the one-finger salute. Yes, Einstein you are #1. And, no, I would not like fries with that.
***For those of you who are new to the RT and those of you who are Jason Bourne...Thing One is former-Cub Freddie Bynum, thing two is Neifi Perez, Stephen Hawking Hairston is Jerry Hairston Jr. (duh!), and Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is Susan Storm, aka Honey Daniels, aka Max Guevara, aka "Possibly The Hottest Chick on the Planet."
* Sheesh, do you expect me to do all the work for you?
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The Best News in the Past Six Months
No, not that Eloit Spitzer has been caught in a Manhattan bar with Vivian Ward and Divine Brown...
...but rather, Gunston is dancing!!!!!!!
Can anyone say Cinda-fucking-rella? Laura San Giacomo will be watching.
...but rather, Gunston is dancing!!!!!!!
Can anyone say Cinda-fucking-rella? Laura San Giacomo will be watching.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You... Jamey Carroll and Ryan Braun Star in "The Omen"
Those who were alive will never forget where they were on that fateful day in 1963 when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot while his motorcade rolled down a Dallas city street. And those who weren't too strung out on LSD in the 1970's are likely to remember precisely where they were when Richard Milhous Nixon gave the victory sign with both hands while climbing aboard Army One on the final day of his presidency. Of course, nobody can forget what they were doing when they first heard that an airplane had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. And you can bet Jose Contreras will always remember that he was eating a pressed ham and swiss sandwich and drinking a mojito at Livan's Lunch Counter in Havana and Greg Oden can still picture himself behind the counter at the northside Indiana general store when his good pal James Whitcomb Riley strolled in and gave the shocking news... that President Lincoln had been shot.
Yes, there are certain days that you will never forget.
The MTV generation boasts such days as well. I mean, who doesn't remember where they were when Christa McAuliffe became not only the first teacher to attempt to go up into space but also the first teacher to have 32,754 parts of her body spread over the state of Florida (I, myself, was in an eigth-grade science class). And, I distinctly remember driving to work when the dulcet tones of Barry Keefe of 101.9 The Mix announced that a small propeller plane had crashed into the WTC. And, I am sure that everyone recalls that amazing day in February 1987 when "Over the Top" made its theatrical debut and Sylvester Stallone was launched into the stratosphere of superstardom from which he has never come down. But there is one day that stands out above all of the rest...
Let me caution you from the outset that I am well aware that admitting that I can recall even the most excrutiating details of what happened on September 25, 2004 proves that, at times, my priorities rival those of Homer Simpson when he elected to travel around the country in search of more Ribwich sandwiches rather than watch Lisa compete against the best of the best at the annual Spellympics. What can I say, Popeye? I yam what I yam.
Anyway, Saturday, September 25, 2004 was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm with a nice breeze -- not quite strong enough to prevent you from reading the newspaper on the back deck, but definitely powerful enough to make Calista Flockhart think twice about heading outdoors for fear of being blown away. I, of course, wasted the afternoon watching Mark "Where Are They Now" Prior pitch 7 2/3 innings of zero-run, four-hit baseball against the Mets at Shea. And, thanks to a two-run homer by Todd "There Is A Sale on Pantyhose in Aisle Four" Walker, the Cubs carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning.
Looking back, I now realize that there was really no reason to think that anything would go wrong -- outside of the fact that the Cubs are, well, the Cubs. Yet, despite their unfortunate history, the Cubs had won 13 of their last 16 games, held a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card standings, and were facing a Mets team that was 24-44 since the All-Star break and featured such prominent superstars as Eric Valent, Jason Phillips, Orber Moreno (true, he is the most celebrated "Orber" ever to set foot on a major league field -- which is a little like being the greatest Jewish guy from Highland Park ever to play in the NBA), and Victor Diaz.
Oh yeah... Victor Diaz.
Anyway, with one out in the final inning, Ryan Dempster walked the All-World Valent and the "All-LaMesa" Phillips (I just cannot bring myself to even sarcastically call a guy who came into the game with a .218 batting average "All-World" or "All-American" or even "All-San Diego County" so I will settle for his birthplace), before Dusty summoned LaTroy Hawkins from the bullpen. Hawkins helped Cub fans breathe a little easier by retiring "All-St. Luisa's Preschool" Jeff Keppinger, before the aforementioned Victor Diaz belted a 2-2 pitch over the right field scoreboard to tie the game at three.
Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz
Despite the fact that I have still not seen a video of the home run since that fateful September day, I can still see it in my mind as clear as day. I can still remember calling Hawkins just about every name in the book (in fact, I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone may have stolen "boner-biting bastard" and "c*ck sucking, *ss lickining, Uncle F*cker from me). I think Boris the Cat may still have a bump from where the remote bonked off of his head. And, finally, I remember curling up on the couch and staring blindly as Craig Brazell would go on to hit his first and only career home run off Kent Mercker in the bottom of the 11th to give the Mets a 4-3 win.
Victor, the hard rock band Skid Row may very well have been talking about you. "Through every sleepless night. Through every endless day. I remember you. Whoa Whoooooaaaaaa!"
So, why have I chosen to take you on this trip down memory lane? Because if the Chicago Cubs do not go on to win the 2007 National League Central Division Crown we may very well look back at Saturday, August 11 as the day that it all began to fall apart (Curse of Kid K, people!).
Now, let me be clear here... it is probably not possible to have a true "Victor Diaz Day" in early August... not with 40-something games left to play. Heck, there is still way too much time for Jenius Jones to embarrass himself during a two hits in 34 at-bats streak, Big Z to lose his mind, ala Ozzy Osbourne, and bite the head off of either a rat or "Are They Really Paying Me For This? Talk About Money For Nothing. Do I Also Get Chicks For Free?" Hill, and Kerry Wood to blow out a flip flip, step on a pop-top, cut his heel and have to limp on back home (naturally putting him on the disabled list until 2012). That said, what happened Saturday night is like winning the lottery by playing the numbers 6-6-6... a bad omen.
And it is not so much what happened to the Cubs that upsets me. Oh sure, I am horrified by the fact that Sean Gallagher and Scott Eyre got hit harder than Buddy Hinton when Peter had finally had enough of his teasing Cindy because she spoke with a lisp. There is no doubt that giving up 13 runs in 2 1/3 innings is bad, but what has me really concerned is what happened in the Brewers game.
For those of you who were too busy watching Sex Talk With Sue Johansen to pay attention Saturday night, the Brew Crew was trailing Houston 4-0 with two outs in the top of the seventh, scored a run to cut the lead to 4-1, added two in the top of the eighth to make it 4-3, and took a 6-4 lead on a two-out home run by Victor Diaz, er, Ryan Braun (on an 0-2 pitch no less). It was the kind of game that makes you believe that perhaps it is Milwaukee and not the Cubs that is truly destined to win the National League Central crown.
And haven't we seen a team that boasts Bob Uecker as it's play-by-play guy go from the bottom of the cellar to the top of the heap in record time before? Let's just say that if the Brewers sign Jake Taylor or Wild Thing Vaughn, I am giving up and focusing my attention on football, whether Rex the Wonder Dog can make intelligent decisions this year and handicapping "America's Got Talent" (for the record, Rex, it turns out entered the wrong contest when he bowed out in the first round of "America's Got Good Decision Making Skills").
The bottom line is that I have this awful feeling that, come October, if, rather than watching thousands of 18-year old "Cub fans" who would not know Don Kessinger from Henry Kissinger, have no memory of the fabulous mustache of Dick Tidrow and think that Ty Waller is that carpenter guy who hosts Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crowd Waveland Avenue waiting for Weasley to send a ball high and deep into the night, Cubs fans are relegated to combing the shops looking for the perfect Karl Rove Halloween costume and watching Derrick Turnbow become the ugliest man to play in a post season baseball game since Jim Leyritz, we will look back on August 11 with dismay.
* The biggest villain Saturday night was Rockie Jamey Carroll who hit a two-out pinch-hit, grand slam off Rich Hill to give Colorado a 6-2 lead. Last week we welcomed Will Oh Man! to the "Crappy Ex-Cub Left-Handed Relievers Club" (hey, is that Mark Guthrie back from his vacation to Suckville? Welcome back! Did you eat at Karen's Krappy Kitchen? I hear the Stinkburgers are delicious!) and this week we welcome Jamey to the "Crappy Players Who Kill the Cubs" Club. Yes, that is Jeff Blauser's photograph on the membership card (he gets in the club both as a result of his performance against and for the Cubs).
And Carroll's grand slam is just the coup de gras. Thus far in 2007, Jamey is hitting .364, has a 1.091 slugging percentage, has clubbed two home runs and has eight RBI against the North Siders. Against the rest of the league, he is hitting .232, slugging .315, has nary a home run and only 10 RBI. In other words, he hits a home run every 5.5 at-bats and has driven in eight runs in only 11 at-bats against the Cubs, while we are still waiting for his first home run and he has driven in ten in 171 at-bats against the rest of the league. Ouch!
Further, unlike the success of Ace of Base, Carroll's success against the Cubs is not a one-year, freak thing. In 2006, he batted 117 points higher, has a slugging percentage that was more than 400 points higher, hit a home run every 12 at-bats and drove in a run every four at-bats against Hill, Wuertz and the rest of Larry Roth-s-child's gang of merry men. Against the rest of the league, he hit a home run every 113 at-bats and drove in a run every 13 1/2. In other words, Jamey must look forward to playing the Cubs like Cartman looks forward to a powdered donut pancake surprise and Kobe Bryant used to look forward to relaxing vacations at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera***
* Wow! Jenius Jones is hotter than the pool scene in Wild Things. Do I owe him an apology? Did Coronel Nathan R. Jeesep apologize for ordering the Code Red? Did Hanke apology for not letting George squeeze his big head through the neck hole of his sweater? Did Zack ever apologize to Mr. Belding for making his life a living hell. In other words... no.
* Finally, yes, I did anger thewife with my admission last week that I will no longer cheer for the White Sox and I am genuinely sorry that I upset her. That said, I would like to share with all of you a quick story about what type of a person I married. My son, Ryan, shares a birthday with Prince William, the actor who played Stephen Keaton on Family Ties, and certified nutjob Juliette Lewis -- June 21 and this year we held his family birthday party on Saturday, June 23. June 23, you see, is the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing game two in their weekend series at U.S. Comiskular. Despite the fact that she knew that we were going to have a house full of born-and-bred Sox fans, she went out before the party and bought him a Cubs hat. I think this story speaks for itself.
Have a great day...
***I am interested in what else are famous and infamous people looking forward to? For example, our good friend Todd is probably looking forward to the "free preview" weekend on Skin-a-max, All Hail the Chief may be looking forward to Saturday, September 8 when the Fightin' Illini football team gets to square off against the Leathernecks of Western Illinois and Orange Whip cannot wait for the Dee Brown book signing... Be creative and post a comment (yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you all to comment!)
Yes, there are certain days that you will never forget.
The MTV generation boasts such days as well. I mean, who doesn't remember where they were when Christa McAuliffe became not only the first teacher to attempt to go up into space but also the first teacher to have 32,754 parts of her body spread over the state of Florida (I, myself, was in an eigth-grade science class). And, I distinctly remember driving to work when the dulcet tones of Barry Keefe of 101.9 The Mix announced that a small propeller plane had crashed into the WTC. And, I am sure that everyone recalls that amazing day in February 1987 when "Over the Top" made its theatrical debut and Sylvester Stallone was launched into the stratosphere of superstardom from which he has never come down. But there is one day that stands out above all of the rest...
Let me caution you from the outset that I am well aware that admitting that I can recall even the most excrutiating details of what happened on September 25, 2004 proves that, at times, my priorities rival those of Homer Simpson when he elected to travel around the country in search of more Ribwich sandwiches rather than watch Lisa compete against the best of the best at the annual Spellympics. What can I say, Popeye? I yam what I yam.
Anyway, Saturday, September 25, 2004 was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm with a nice breeze -- not quite strong enough to prevent you from reading the newspaper on the back deck, but definitely powerful enough to make Calista Flockhart think twice about heading outdoors for fear of being blown away. I, of course, wasted the afternoon watching Mark "Where Are They Now" Prior pitch 7 2/3 innings of zero-run, four-hit baseball against the Mets at Shea. And, thanks to a two-run homer by Todd "There Is A Sale on Pantyhose in Aisle Four" Walker, the Cubs carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning.
Looking back, I now realize that there was really no reason to think that anything would go wrong -- outside of the fact that the Cubs are, well, the Cubs. Yet, despite their unfortunate history, the Cubs had won 13 of their last 16 games, held a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card standings, and were facing a Mets team that was 24-44 since the All-Star break and featured such prominent superstars as Eric Valent, Jason Phillips, Orber Moreno (true, he is the most celebrated "Orber" ever to set foot on a major league field -- which is a little like being the greatest Jewish guy from Highland Park ever to play in the NBA), and Victor Diaz.
Oh yeah... Victor Diaz.
Anyway, with one out in the final inning, Ryan Dempster walked the All-World Valent and the "All-LaMesa" Phillips (I just cannot bring myself to even sarcastically call a guy who came into the game with a .218 batting average "All-World" or "All-American" or even "All-San Diego County" so I will settle for his birthplace), before Dusty summoned LaTroy Hawkins from the bullpen. Hawkins helped Cub fans breathe a little easier by retiring "All-St. Luisa's Preschool" Jeff Keppinger, before the aforementioned Victor Diaz belted a 2-2 pitch over the right field scoreboard to tie the game at three.
Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz
Despite the fact that I have still not seen a video of the home run since that fateful September day, I can still see it in my mind as clear as day. I can still remember calling Hawkins just about every name in the book (in fact, I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone may have stolen "boner-biting bastard" and "c*ck sucking, *ss lickining, Uncle F*cker from me). I think Boris the Cat may still have a bump from where the remote bonked off of his head. And, finally, I remember curling up on the couch and staring blindly as Craig Brazell would go on to hit his first and only career home run off Kent Mercker in the bottom of the 11th to give the Mets a 4-3 win.
Victor, the hard rock band Skid Row may very well have been talking about you. "Through every sleepless night. Through every endless day. I remember you. Whoa Whoooooaaaaaa!"
So, why have I chosen to take you on this trip down memory lane? Because if the Chicago Cubs do not go on to win the 2007 National League Central Division Crown we may very well look back at Saturday, August 11 as the day that it all began to fall apart (Curse of Kid K, people!).
Now, let me be clear here... it is probably not possible to have a true "Victor Diaz Day" in early August... not with 40-something games left to play. Heck, there is still way too much time for Jenius Jones to embarrass himself during a two hits in 34 at-bats streak, Big Z to lose his mind, ala Ozzy Osbourne, and bite the head off of either a rat or "Are They Really Paying Me For This? Talk About Money For Nothing. Do I Also Get Chicks For Free?" Hill, and Kerry Wood to blow out a flip flip, step on a pop-top, cut his heel and have to limp on back home (naturally putting him on the disabled list until 2012). That said, what happened Saturday night is like winning the lottery by playing the numbers 6-6-6... a bad omen.
And it is not so much what happened to the Cubs that upsets me. Oh sure, I am horrified by the fact that Sean Gallagher and Scott Eyre got hit harder than Buddy Hinton when Peter had finally had enough of his teasing Cindy because she spoke with a lisp. There is no doubt that giving up 13 runs in 2 1/3 innings is bad, but what has me really concerned is what happened in the Brewers game.
For those of you who were too busy watching Sex Talk With Sue Johansen to pay attention Saturday night, the Brew Crew was trailing Houston 4-0 with two outs in the top of the seventh, scored a run to cut the lead to 4-1, added two in the top of the eighth to make it 4-3, and took a 6-4 lead on a two-out home run by Victor Diaz, er, Ryan Braun (on an 0-2 pitch no less). It was the kind of game that makes you believe that perhaps it is Milwaukee and not the Cubs that is truly destined to win the National League Central crown.
And haven't we seen a team that boasts Bob Uecker as it's play-by-play guy go from the bottom of the cellar to the top of the heap in record time before? Let's just say that if the Brewers sign Jake Taylor or Wild Thing Vaughn, I am giving up and focusing my attention on football, whether Rex the Wonder Dog can make intelligent decisions this year and handicapping "America's Got Talent" (for the record, Rex, it turns out entered the wrong contest when he bowed out in the first round of "America's Got Good Decision Making Skills").
The bottom line is that I have this awful feeling that, come October, if, rather than watching thousands of 18-year old "Cub fans" who would not know Don Kessinger from Henry Kissinger, have no memory of the fabulous mustache of Dick Tidrow and think that Ty Waller is that carpenter guy who hosts Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crowd Waveland Avenue waiting for Weasley to send a ball high and deep into the night, Cubs fans are relegated to combing the shops looking for the perfect Karl Rove Halloween costume and watching Derrick Turnbow become the ugliest man to play in a post season baseball game since Jim Leyritz, we will look back on August 11 with dismay.
* The biggest villain Saturday night was Rockie Jamey Carroll who hit a two-out pinch-hit, grand slam off Rich Hill to give Colorado a 6-2 lead. Last week we welcomed Will Oh Man! to the "Crappy Ex-Cub Left-Handed Relievers Club" (hey, is that Mark Guthrie back from his vacation to Suckville? Welcome back! Did you eat at Karen's Krappy Kitchen? I hear the Stinkburgers are delicious!) and this week we welcome Jamey to the "Crappy Players Who Kill the Cubs" Club. Yes, that is Jeff Blauser's photograph on the membership card (he gets in the club both as a result of his performance against and for the Cubs).
And Carroll's grand slam is just the coup de gras. Thus far in 2007, Jamey is hitting .364, has a 1.091 slugging percentage, has clubbed two home runs and has eight RBI against the North Siders. Against the rest of the league, he is hitting .232, slugging .315, has nary a home run and only 10 RBI. In other words, he hits a home run every 5.5 at-bats and has driven in eight runs in only 11 at-bats against the Cubs, while we are still waiting for his first home run and he has driven in ten in 171 at-bats against the rest of the league. Ouch!
Further, unlike the success of Ace of Base, Carroll's success against the Cubs is not a one-year, freak thing. In 2006, he batted 117 points higher, has a slugging percentage that was more than 400 points higher, hit a home run every 12 at-bats and drove in a run every four at-bats against Hill, Wuertz and the rest of Larry Roth-s-child's gang of merry men. Against the rest of the league, he hit a home run every 113 at-bats and drove in a run every 13 1/2. In other words, Jamey must look forward to playing the Cubs like Cartman looks forward to a powdered donut pancake surprise and Kobe Bryant used to look forward to relaxing vacations at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera***
* Wow! Jenius Jones is hotter than the pool scene in Wild Things. Do I owe him an apology? Did Coronel Nathan R. Jeesep apologize for ordering the Code Red? Did Hanke apology for not letting George squeeze his big head through the neck hole of his sweater? Did Zack ever apologize to Mr. Belding for making his life a living hell. In other words... no.
* Finally, yes, I did anger thewife with my admission last week that I will no longer cheer for the White Sox and I am genuinely sorry that I upset her. That said, I would like to share with all of you a quick story about what type of a person I married. My son, Ryan, shares a birthday with Prince William, the actor who played Stephen Keaton on Family Ties, and certified nutjob Juliette Lewis -- June 21 and this year we held his family birthday party on Saturday, June 23. June 23, you see, is the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing game two in their weekend series at U.S. Comiskular. Despite the fact that she knew that we were going to have a house full of born-and-bred Sox fans, she went out before the party and bought him a Cubs hat. I think this story speaks for itself.
Have a great day...
***I am interested in what else are famous and infamous people looking forward to? For example, our good friend Todd is probably looking forward to the "free preview" weekend on Skin-a-max, All Hail the Chief may be looking forward to Saturday, September 8 when the Fightin' Illini football team gets to square off against the Leathernecks of Western Illinois and Orange Whip cannot wait for the Dee Brown book signing... Be creative and post a comment (yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you all to comment!)
Thursday, August 09, 2007
The Curse of Kid K?
Let's see here... First, Alphonso Soriano limps off the field like Cindy Brady when she feigned injury because she was only allowed to invite one parent to the school play. Then Angel Pagan apparently ate the fish.* And now Aramis Ramirez has been spending all of his free time playing Centipede, Space Invaders and Dig Dug (Mortal Kombat? Please... I'm "old school"). At this point, we better just hope that Jason Kendall doesn't accidentally try on Michael Barrett's old jock strap and come down with an untimely intrascrotal hematoma.
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The Return of the Jenius
Look, I am a busy man these days. Very busy. Busy like Mike and Worm when they realized that if they did not come up with $15,000 in five days they would be forced to spend the rest of their days sewing holes in Gramma's holey pajamas or making routine runs to the nearest Dominick's for more Oreos to satisfy Teddy KGB's cravings. Busy like the guy who hands out syringes at the Tour de France. Busy like Jack Bauer on "one of those days."
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
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