Courting the King

Well, the NBA free agency period is now almost 24 hours old and I still have not received a single call or been asked for a single meeting. Okay, well I did receive one call, but it had nothing to do with playing Robin to Kevin Durant's batman. You see, Stan Bowman called. It turns out I've been traded to the Thrashers too. Sheesh!

Everyone in Chicago knows that, while the names Wade, Bosh, Boozer, Lee, and Johnson are all being thrown around, LeBron is the real target. And, while each of the NBA's 30 teams would gladly sign a 45-year old Dickie Simpkins if it means being able to land King James, only a handful of teams have a legitimate chance: the Cavaliers, the Knicks, the Nets, Los Angeles, and, yes, the Bulls. You really do have to feel bad for LeBron. After all, each team truly has a lot to offer and it is undoubtedly going to be a difficult decision. But, I am going to make it very easy. Rather than having to put up with a parade of GMs, head coaches, owners, and annoying little shits who have not made a relevant movie since 1992 ("Kobe Doin' Work" doesn't count), I have laid it all out for Mr. James by succiently explaining what each potential suitor has to offer. Look, every city can promise seating at the top restaurants and tickets to the hot new show. It is the obscure benefits that are going to make the difference. So, without further ado, let's break down what each city/ team can offer:

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS -- Cleveland is home, but it is the poultry that can truly make the difference.

* Immediate induction into the Shaq-Fu Da Return wing of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

* Use of Bernie Kosar's old "pick" should he ever decide to grow an afro

* An autographed Kerry Wood model-MRI machine

* Jobu's rum, chili dogs at the restaurant where Jake took Lynn after she got her masters degree, free interior decorating tips from Herb Dorn, and possibly even a turn in the sack with Suzanne if he hangs out in the right bar.

* Meet-and-greet with Howard the Duck

LOS ANGELES NBA TEAM

Heck, if LeBron wants to win a championship, there is no better place to go that La La Land.

* Jeannie Buss is lonley. Terribly, terribly lonley.

* Books on Native American art, an incense burner, and an autographed copy of Big Chief Triangle's best seller "How to Fool the World Into Thinking You Are an Elite Coach By Only Coaching Teams that Have the Best Players and Completely Refusing the Challenge of Rebuilding"

* Weekend sojourns to Eagle, Colorado with Kobe and his inevitable sloppy seconds.

* The chance to dine with Jack and find out whether he really ordered the Code Red or whether he was actually covering for Dyan Cannon.

* Meet-and greet with Ron Artest's psychiatr...

Wait a minute...you mean it is the Clippers who have the cap space to sign LeBron?!? Oh, fuck that.

NEW JERSEY NETS -- Can King James really pass up a golden opportunity to get Sergei Krivokrasov's autograph?

* You'a don't'a wanna play fer the Nets? No? No? I'll'a senda Silvio, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy ova to'a break'a yer face.

* The Nets won 12 games last year. Where else will you likely have the chance to play with Dee Brown, Marco Killingsworth, and Chris Kramer?

* If you come down with a case of Spattergroit, Conjoined Twin Myslexia, or even Cooties and can deal with a surly caregiver, there is a pretty good chance your malady will be correctly diagnosed. Say hello to 13 for me!

* Unlimited borscht, Popov vodka, and naked pictures of Anna Kournikova in the locker room AND the occasional half time speech by Yakov Smirnoff.

* The real housewives are having a get together. 8:00 Friday night at the Brownstone. No men allowed. Except you, LeBron. I said real.

NEW YORK KNICKS -- The Knicks have a legitimate chance to bring LeBron to Broadway. Really. No, seriously. Hoo hoo! Ha ha! I haven't laughed this hard since Terrance called Philip an Uncle Fucker.

* Check under the false concrete precisely where the Yankee Stadium third base dugout used to be. Hey, ARod had to stash it somewhere with the Feds sniffing around every corner.

* Thursday is "Feed Anthony Mason" day at the Metropolitan zoo and John Starks will let you steal cheetos from the Shop-and-Save in Queens if he can tell his friends that he knows you.

*Free haircuts from Clarence, lively discussions regarding whether Joe Louis was 137 years old when Rocky Marciano beat his ass, seedless buns at McDowell's, and the chance to see both Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate at the Ms. Black Awareness Pageant.

* Those El Paso guys are out of their minds. The salsa is great.

* The best AIDS walk in the country... but you better wear the ribbon.

CHICAGO BULLS -- Sweet Home Chicago is a true possibility. No, LeBron will never be as popular as Ferris, but free tickets to the Steve Wilkos Show ain't all bad.

* Where else will you have the chance to use Dragan Tarlac's or Kornel David's or Dedric Willoughby's old locker?

* School day lunches with Abe Froman -- the Sausage King of Chicago.

* The chance to watch Mark Prior continue his Hall of Fame career. Oh wait... The chance to see all star Josh Fields. Superstar Joe Borchard? Five tool prospect Corey Patterson? Can't miss Felix Pee-Ay? Okay... the chance to see Randy Wells and Mark Kotsay. Yipee.

* Can you hit .230? Do you make unfortunate errors in the field? Will you suddenly remind people of Einstein Jones when you run the bases? Are you often mistaken for a Venezuelan punching bag? Now playing 1st base for the Cubs...

* The opportunity to drink whatever the hell Patrick Kane has put in the Cup. Find one of Duncan Keith's teeth and win a free Kris Versteeg jersey and a Coach Q brand mustache trimmer.

* Elisabeth Shue will babysit the kids while you ride the El with Rebecca De Mornay.

So, there you have it. As you can see, LeBron has some very tough decisions to make as all the cities on the list have quite a bit to offer. Ultimately, there is going to have to be something that makes the difference. Hey LeBron... Italian beef dipped, large cheese fries and a chocolate cake shake? Welcome to the Windy City King James.

(For the record -- no -- I do not believe that LeBron will be making daily runs to Portillo's this fall. It is, after all, extremely difficult to pass up daily trips to see Rene Russo at the library. Don't worry... I'm sure Anderson Varejao is going to develop a jump shot any day now).

* Now wait...you did not actually think that I could make it all the way through my first blog in almost eleven months without talking about the Chicago National League Ballclub, did you? So, what do I have to say? Well, unfortunately, nothing has changed. Fuck the Cubs. Fuck them right in the ear...