How Do the Cubs Spell Relief? T-H-R-O-W-U-P

I think the Cubs have to feel very fortunate to sit six games over .500 with all the injuries they have suffered so far this season. After all, this is a team that has had to deal with Soto's shoulder, Marmol's knee, Big Z's hamstring, and Aramis' shoulder, not to mention the strange illnesses that have affected the team, including Aaron Heilman's basesonballsitis, Neal Cotts' suckocondria and D. Lee's bout with "When In the Heck Did I Become Rey Sanchez" Disease. Frankly, an awful lot has gone wrong and the team really ought to be pleased to only be one-half game out of first place. A couple of quick notes from the first six weeks of the season...

* After mentioning the unfortunate afflictions that have affected Heilman and Cotts, need I really say more about the bullpen and its struggles? I suppose so seeing that I neglected to mention Jeff Samardzija's case of the IfonlyIhadstuckwithfootballIcouldhavebeenthe nextEdMcCaffrey butinsteadIhavebecomeDaveVeres flu. I refuse to believe the rumor, however, that, after walking three of the first six batters he faced this season (and giving up hits to two of the other three), the Cubs sent Chad Fox down to the Distrito Federal for a crate of tacos in hope that he would make the acquaintance of H1N1. I had hoped we would never return to the days of Karchner, Heredia and Farnsworth (the drunk, passed-out-on-the-floor version, that is), but, viola, here we are. David Weathers anyone?

* By the way, wasn't H1N1 the droid that the Jawas originally sold to Luke and Uncle Owen? You know, the one that immediately blew up after Luke bought him forcing poor R2D2 to suffer through another six years of C3PO's incessant whining?

* To their credit, Angel Guzman and Kevin Gregg appear to be improving and possibly growing into dependable options. And Carlos Marmol is, well, Carlos Marmol. You know... ball one... ball two... ball three... ball six... ball ten... ball twelve... strike one... strike two... strike four... strike nine... wipe off sweat... return heart beat to normal rate... curse Marmol for shortening my life. Forget the miniature "W" flags and the Jose Ascaino bobble heads and save your money for the limited edition Marmol line of defibulators.

* The good news is that I have a solution to the Cubs' bullpen woes. A solution made possible by the fortunate reality that Andy McPhail has yet to focus all his attention on the proper way to tie a sweater around one's neck and is still hanging around the Inner Harbor with Tracy Turnblad. You see, McPhail collects crappy African-American Cubs centerfielders like Pacman Jones collects indictments and Waylon Smithers collects Malibu Stacy dolls. First Corey Patterson, then Felix Pee-Ay and now Joey Gathright? So here's the plan... somebody goes down to the Arby's on 79th street and gets Lance Johnson away from the beef slicer. Somebody else stops by Papa Hal's Tavern where Brian McRae is the one slopping Old Style down his front. I figure a "One Dog" and a "B Mac" have got to be worth at least Orioles' relievers Danys Baez (2.37 ERA) and George Sherrill (3.67), right? Problem solved.

* By the way, has anyone noticed that Michael Wuertz has a 1.65 ERA and has only walked two batters in almost nineteen innings of work and LaTroy Hawkins has a 2.35 ERA? Depressing? Well, if it makes you feel any better, not all ex-Cub relievers are enjoying success with their new teams. Howry and Eyre both have five-plus ERAs and Mel Rojas just got fired from a Santo Domingo grocery store for stealing mangos, selling counterfeit autographed Juan Cruz photos and stealing Manny Ramirez's bottle of Levitra.

* There are a number of things in baseball that I strongly dislike. For example, I hate walks. I wish Bobby Jenks would mistake Ryan Braun's eyeballs for a couple of custard pies, thereby ending the career of the Brewers' pompous young star. I would like to suggest that A.J. Pierzynski accompany Chad Fox when the latter is sent back for extra guacamole. But there is nothing I hate more than when teams fail to get a runner in from third base with under two outs, which makes this year's Cubs' team even more difficult to watch than normal.

To be honest, despite Reed Johnson's two-run double in yesterday's 11-3 victory over the Padres, I have to say that in my 37 years of baseball watching, I do not believe that I have ever seen a team that is worse at getting the job done that this year's Cubs. How bad is it? Well, let's just say that after Kosuke lead off an inning with a triple Tuesday night, I immediately turned to thewife and set the probability that he would score at 50/50. And, after D. Lee and Parker Brothers struck out (and Mike Fontenot lined out), it turned out that I was being overly optimistic.

It is so bad that I now find myself hoping for a bases loaded walk, a passed ball or catcher's interference when the Cubs find themselves in such a situation (and wasn't it nice of Pudge Rodriguez and the Padres' pitching staff to oblige? Heck, after watching the Padres' hurlers walk batter after batter yesterday, I started to wonder when they had traded for Rich Hill). So bad that you have to figure that it is mental at this point. So bad, in fact, that the next time the Cubs get a runner on third with under two outs, I recommend he turn around and steal second. Have an easy triple? Why waste all that energy trying to run 270 feet when you can stop at second? We'll call it the Alfonso Soriano plan.

* Young Lucas Bly wanted to win the heart of Maggie. Realizing that it was going to take more than being the foremost expert on cicadas to win Maggie from Charlie Sheen (perhaps photos of him with half of the hookers in Hollywood would have done the trick?), Lucas decided to join the football team. Alas, poor Lucas ended up being tended to by Dr. Mark Greene at County General after being annihilated while trying to catch a pass. The moral of the story? That, unfortuately, not all cinderella stories end with a big happily ever after.

Which is why you have to feel so good for Cubs 31-year old "rookie" Bobby Scales who is tearing the cover off the ball. How good has Scales been since he was brought up to the "show?" Consider this...not only is Scales 8-18 with a slugging percentage that is 200 points higher than Albert Pujols', but in only 18 at bats, he has one fewer extra base hit than Parker Brothers (72 AB) and one more than Geovany Soto! (85 AB).

* Finally, as most of you know, I am a big Harry Potter fan and, in the past, have encouraged readers of the RT to read the series to ensure that they never miss a witty reference to J.K. Rowling's wizarding world. Well, put "The Goblet of Fire" down and prepare to continue working on your sofa ass groove. Go straight to the video store, fight the urge to rent "Me and My Beard: The Paul Assenmacher story" or "I Can't Find Winter Gloves That Fit For Gosh Sakes: The Life and Times of El Pulpo" and spend a weekend catching up with the truly sensational Fox series "House" (you are, of course, allowed to take a twenty minute break to watch an episode of "Pants Off, Dance Off" -- go ahead look it up). Yesterday, marked the very first House reference in the history of the Random Thoughts and I can promise you there are more to come. And I do not want to hear any excuses. I mean, even if you hate gimpy doctors that are addicted to Vicodin and even if you like medical dramas that are brilliantly written and wonderfully produced about at much as I like seeing Heilman or Cotts coming in from the bullpen, House is still worth your time. After all, where else on the small screen can you see Dr. Remy "Thirteen" Hadley who was recently ranked #1 on Maxim's Hot 100 list. Random Thoughts Hottie #13? Oh yeah...

Have great weekend. Hate to say it, but I am going Red Wings in seven and setting the over/ under on the number of walks given up by Heilman this weekend at six.