The Return of the Jenius

Look, I am a busy man these days. Very busy. Busy like Mike and Worm when they realized that if they did not come up with $15,000 in five days they would be forced to spend the rest of their days sewing holes in Gramma's holey pajamas or making routine runs to the nearest Dominick's for more Oreos to satisfy Teddy KGB's cravings. Busy like the guy who hands out syringes at the Tour de France. Busy like Jack Bauer on "one of those days."

(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).

Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.

After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."

Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.

So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...

* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!

* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.

* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.

* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?

* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.

* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?

* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.

* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!

* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.

* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.

* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.

* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.

* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."

* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.

* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.

* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.

* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!

* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...

* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.

* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"

* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.

* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!

As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.

* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.

A Few Random Non-Cub Things

* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.

* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.

* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.

* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.

* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."

* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?

Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...