The Curse of Kid K?

Let's see here... First, Alphonso Soriano limps off the field like Cindy Brady when she feigned injury because she was only allowed to invite one parent to the school play. Then Angel Pagan apparently ate the fish.* And now Aramis Ramirez has been spending all of his free time playing Centipede, Space Invaders and Dig Dug (Mortal Kombat? Please... I'm "old school"). At this point, we better just hope that Jason Kendall doesn't accidentally try on Michael Barrett's old jock strap and come down with an untimely intrascrotal hematoma.

Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?

Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).

On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.

But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.

* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.

* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.

* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.

* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.

Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).

* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.

* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).

* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...

* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.

* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.

* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.

And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.

* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...

* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.

But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.

I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.

I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.

I said it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)