I Will Take Seven Dozen Original Glazed, Two Dozen Chocolate Iced With Sprinkles, Six Dozen...

Welcome to Part II of the glorious return of the RT. As you all know, sequels are usually hit or miss. I sure hope to be more like Godfather II than Porky’s II: The Next Day, and God help us all, if this ends up anything like Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. I mean, at least Porky’s had its gratuitous shower scenes and making a movie titled “Dirty Dancing” that garners nothing more than a PG-13 rating is like making a movie called “Psycho Slut Deaths” and failing to include Anna Nicole Smith in the cast. Oh wait, never mind.

* Last week, I reference Scottie Pippen’s possible return to the NBA. Good to see, most NBA insiders are laughing off the possibility of Mr. 1.8 Seconds chasing Carmelo Anthony around screens and trying to get his shot off against LeBron James. Look Scottie… there are good returns and there are not-so-good returns. Number 23's return with the Bulls… good. Number 23's return with the Cubs. Not-so-good. Return of the Jedi… good. Return of the Living Dead… not-so-good. The Police’s return at the Grammy’s… good. Shaq-Fu: Da Return… horrible. Where will you fall Scottie? Well, let’s just say that you would probably be better off joining Kareem in dragging Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes during an old-timer’s game than trying to guard Dirk Nowitzki off the screen and roll or drive the lane against Chris Bosh. Or maybe just skip the geriatric games altogether and go and get your co-pilot’s license. Just don’t order the fish.*

* One team that should want absolutely nothing to do with Scottie’s possible return is the Bulls and, while a lot of fans are grinding their teeth and wringing their hands over the Bulls’ failure to make a trade at the NBA trading deadline, I applaud John Paxson’s inactivity. Everyone knows that the Bulls are in desperate need for a post presence who can score and Pau Gasol undoubtedly would have helped in that regard, but trading any of the Bulls’ core group of young talent (Deng, Gordon, Hinrich or Nocioni) would have been a mistake. The bottom line is that the Bulls are more than one player away from winning an NBA title with teams like Phoenix and Dallas dominating play. Why mortgage a bright future to prove that you are the tallest midget in the Lollipop Gang or to demonstrate that you are the Illini basketball player with the fewest arrests? Yes, Gasol is a very nice player and inserting him into the lineup would have put the Bulls in a better position to win the terrible Eastern Conference, but the team still would have likely gotten destroyed in the Finals and, nobody wants to settle for second place, except maybe Torrence Shipman's Rancho Carne cheerleading squad or Lovie Smith, as evidenced by his insistence to play everyone’s favorite Wonder Dog.

* You can bet your last nickel that Big Red would not have stood for second place. Spirit fingers! Spirit Fingers!!!!!!

* Given my opinion that it would be a bad idea to trade any of the players that make up the core group (not to mention the fact that the trading deadline has officially passed), the Bulls need to think outside the box in seeking a big man who can score. Scottie? As I mentioned…not really an option. But if James Edwards wants to get off the couch... roll his old bones on out there. Stop by Dennis Johnson’s funeral and offer The Chief a quarter-ounce to strap back on a pair of Chuck Taylor’s. Get Mel Fisher and Jacques Cousteau to search the ocean floor for the remains of Bison Dele. And dig up an old pair of size 21 AAAAA Converse Weapons (foreshadowing alert!), and convince Will Perdue to leave his job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. Think creatively, people!

* Yes, I know that Will Perdue could not score. Look, the Bulls’ current option is Michael Sweetney and that guy is too busy picking up the Ho-Ho’s that dropped out of his warm-up pants to be productive on the court. And so, yes, it is a little like choosing between shaving Britney Spears' head or shaving Rosanne Arnold's back where neither option is particularly appealing, but the choice is still clear.

* Consider this scenario… Michael Sweetney and Bobby Jenks enter a Krispy Kreme. Former Cub catcher Hector Villaneuva greets them at the counter and then warns them that the donut-glazing machine is broken and there is only one donut left and he too is hungry. Discuss what ensues...

* One of the reasons that the Bulls’ find themselves with a gigantic hole in the middle (nice donut metaphor, huh?), is that they spent six gazillon dollars on a guy who can’t score and, frankly, doesn’t play particularly good defense, especially against the top post players in the league. I know it is easy to criticize the Ben Wallace signing in retrospect (I mean, at the time, the Cubs' free-agent signing of Mel rojas seemed like a good idea), but it really sucks to have a highly-paid guy who you can’t keep on the floor in the last few minutes of games because he shoots free throws like Stevie Wonder shoots darts, who has less offensive moves than the aforementioned big stiff from Vanderbilt, and cannot even grab a crucial rebound in the final seconds of a game.

* Ben's "struggles" have been particularily evident in the last two games. First, on Sunday, he destroys all momentum the Bulls had by getting an untimely technical foul in the third quarter and then is nothing more than a bystander as Chris Webber grabs an offensive rebound and hits the game winning shot with three seconds remaining in the Bulls' 95-93 loss to the Pistons (and, please, do not give me that crap about Webber having pushed P.J. Brown in the back). And then on Monday, he gets torched time and time again by Dwight Howard and Darko Milicic in the Bulls' loss to the Orlando Magic. Ben finished the game with three points and eight rebounds. In the words of Cleveland Indians' fictional television/ radio announcer Harry Doyle... "that's all he got is eight g-d damn rebounds." Heck, if we wanted those kinds of numbers we could have used the money to sign Marco Killingworth or brought back Marcus Fizer and had enough left over to buy a barrelfull of Honus Wagner baseball cards ($2.35 million for a baseball card. I'll tell you what, I'll sell you my 1981 DTopps Dennis Lamp and my 1985 Doug Dascenzo for $3. And I will even throw in two sticks of the gum. Trip to the dentist to repair teeth not included).

* Uh oh…Chris is celebrating his Sunday game winner with a trip to Krispy Kreme. Watch out Michael and Bobby! I mean, have you seen Chris lately? Chris this is Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig this is Chris. Now, please leave Little Debbie alone.

* Glad to see that Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen has rejoined the working force. Thanks to RT Ring-of-Honor member All Hail the Chief for that tasty bit of news. Can’t say that I have seen her new show, though. I do hope, however, that as long as she has dropped the Amber, she has dropped the industrial-sized bag of M & M’s too. We need more Kelly Kapowski and less Valerie Malone. For awhile there, during her pot-smokin’, suicide-tryin’, father muderin’ days, she would have taken out Chris, Bobby, Michael, Hector and the all three Fat Boys and ended up with the sucrose-laden delight. You really cannot blame her, though. Losing the ultra-hip David Silver to the human stripper pole formally known as Tori Spelling would do that to anyone. Where is Zack Morris when you so desperately need him?

* Okay, one more “fat” mention and then I promise I will be done with it. The world's businesses introduced a lot of exciting new products during the two month hiatus of the RT. Apple came out with the I-Phone. Sony came out with Playstation 59 or whatever. ISSA came out with its new Cleaning Industry Management Standard (snicker, snicker). But the most exciting new product came from the fine folks at “Fat Head,” as the Michigan-base company significantly expanded its lineup of available "fatheads." Orange Whip…you can probably get yourself a Dee Brown and WrigleyBill's wife can get a Ben Allen. Pfarro… the Jamal Lewis/ Antwaan Randle El combo would look nice on your wall. How about a Walter Payton for Bearister, a Brad Miller for Allinonthefirsthand, a Bonnie Bernstein for Shabba Dabba Doo, and a Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum for The Wife. Tim Hardaway may even want an A-Rod. Me, I’m going with the newly available Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders.

That ought to put us back on track…

* Dwyane Wade’s potentially season-ending shoulder injury has left me so disillusioned. For years, we have seen Dwayne get mildly knocked to the floor only to writhe in pain and generally act like he had just offended Pac-Man Jones' posse and has been made to suffer the consequences. Yet, everytime Wade was knocked to the floor, he amazingly was able to get up, return to action, and dominate just as he had done prior to getting “injured.” Heck, Converse built an entire advertising campaign around it. But, after seeing Dewayne get taken off the court in a wheelchair, I no longer know what to think. If we can’t trust our televisions and the fine folks at marketing agencies throughout the country, who and what can we trust? I already know from personal experience that Red Bull does not give you wings, but I must ask, what is next? If I am having a boring day sitting around doing nothing and open a Coors Lite, will Jay-Z not suddenly blast through my boom box and will I not suddenly be surrounded by women in bikinis? If I order a sub from Jimmy Johns, will their fast delivery not really cause me to freak? Is that not really Mike Davis in the Enterprise commercial with the big green, foam finger? Does Sparkle Girl not really sparkle? Is the Converse Weapon not really the shoe that let’s Magic do what he was born to do?**

And don’t you dare tell Erdman that if he sends his $15 in to order “Spring Break Sorority Sister Spankdown” that the girls aren’t really going wild.

* Post a comment, please, alert.... What other promises have commercials made that we will not longer be able to trust thanks to Deewayne and his shoulder injury?

* Society is littered with dropouts, rapscallions, and others who qualify as unquestioned failures. Men and women like Frenchy (before Frankie Avalon convinced her to wipe off that angel face and go back to high school), Holden Caulfield, and Marcus Liberty. And that is why I am always excited to see someone who is going through a rough period, grab life by the horns (oh wait, if I buy a Dodge Ram pickup, do I not really get to grab life by the horns?), take control and turn things around. He may not have won the Best-Supporting Actor Academy Award, but bravo to former Morris Buttermaker-pupil Kelly Leak for his nomination for an Oscar. This is a guy who was a genuine juvenile delinquent (albeit with a terrific arm and incredibly dangerous bat), who eventually moved to Bloomington, Indiana, changed his name to Moocher, and was part of a Little 500 championship Cutters team, before heading to Hollywood to take up acting. Good for you Kelly. Keep reaching for the stars. Just stay out of the Krispy Kreme. There’s trouble in there.

Well, once again, I did not write half as much as I wanted, but like the old woman who stupidly threw the Heart of the Ocean away (Hey grandma, Jack’s dead and he ain’t coming back), I’m tired and I need some rest. Part III anyone? After all, I have not even gotten to the Cubs yet…

Actually, given that today officially starts the greatest five weeks of the year, with the start of conference tournaments in the Ohio Valley (how many days until the Ohio Valley? How about ZERO!!!!!), Horizon and Big South, my next post will likely focus on college hoops and the upcoming madness. I then plan to turn my attention to "Part III" and talk about the Cubs, Sox and assorted other fun things before hopefully settling into the fairly regular schedule that you all built your lives around in 2006.

Keep checking and I will keep posting…

* Today’s Pop-Culture Trivia: What was the name of the automatic pilot who had to fly the play after Captain Oveur and Roger Murdock fell ill? By the way, 24 fans will be interested to know that the actor who played President Charles Logan made his acting debut in the movie starring as “Religious Zealot #1” and had the first line in the movie.

**Today’s Sorta-Sports, Sorta-Pop Culture Trivia Question: Besides Magic Johnson, what other athletes appeared in the greatest shoe commercial of all time…the 80’s commercial for Converse Weapons?