Just Call Me Scottie Pippen...

...only I hope that you actually want me back.

Well, it has been an awfully long time since I last enhanced your life with my Random Sports Thoughts and Random Pop Culture Thoughts and Random Jessica Alba In Knee-High Black Leather Boots Thoughts. I know that most of you have an appreciation for why I have been absent for such an extended period of time and I thank you for your patience and hope that you will once again check the RT on a frequent basis (and by "frequent," I mean about as often as Ozzie Guillen is forced to apologize for offending the friends of John Amaechi, in other words, at least six or seven times a day). I cannot tell you how often I will post, but I hope to return on a fairly regular basis and will do my best to entertain and educate you as much as possible.

My absence from the RT resulted from two things... (1) the untimely death of RT Ring-of-Honor member and my friend, WrigleyBill; and (2) a new assignment at work that has kept me busier than Tank Johnson's team of defense lawyers. After Bill's death, I was completely uninspired and could not imagine writing a blog without knowing that a witty, thought-provoking, Brett Favre-loving comment from Bill was forthcoming. But, I am fairly certain that, as I write this, Bill is up in heaven, smiling, drinking a beer, and discussing with Harry Caray whether Cliff Floyd or Weasley should be the Cubs' everyday left-fielder, chatting with Joe Paterno about the absurdity of the BCS (what do you mean, JoePa is not dead, yet? Well, put him in the wheelbarrow anyway. Even if he is still alive and kicking, it can't be long now, can it?), and wondering when the Random Sports Thoughts will once again be open for business. Bill, I miss you... We all do.

Plus, I was hoping that being absent for as long as I have will allow me to recycle a number of already-used pop culture references. Imean, do you have any clue how hard it is to come up with yet another pop culture illness or disease to attribute to Kerry Wood? And I have instructed the Minister of Magic to erase all of your memories just in case you do remember my infamous comparison of the Cubs roster without Kerry Wood to the band Poison without the able vocal talents of Bret Michaels. And, who could possibly forget that?

Anyway, enough of this explaining... I imagine that reading all of this intro stuff is making most of you feel like Milhouse when Poochie interrupted Itchy and Scratchy's trip to the fireworks factory and, at this point, you just want me to get to the dang post already. Ask... and you shall receive.

So, without further ado... Welcome back to the Random Sports Thoughts. I'd say that the RT is "back and better than ever," but I don't get weekly pedicures and, while "thewife" may think I am an idiot, I see no reason to admit the fact or explain why to the whole world. So I will just say say that the RT is back. And, oh man, I have a LOT to say.

* Ahhh...the Super Bowl. Well, you can't say that I did not warn you. I told all of you not to believe the hype. I was adamant that it would happen. I was insistent. I begged you to listen. In fact, I pleaded. And now you all have to admit that I was right. Like it or not, you have to agree that the Random Thoughts has been dead-on since the beginning. Yes, fans of the RT, Kevin Federline has resurrected his career.

* What? You were expecting something else?

* Texans' running back Dominack Davis has announced that he has officially changed his name to Domanick Williams. After a pair of injury-plagued seasons, Williams announced that he simply wants to be a new man. An unusual move? Not really. Lew Alcindor became Kareen Abdul-Jabaar. Mark Prior became Jaime Navarro. Prince became a bizarre symbol. Greg became Johnny Bravo. And the only explanation I can come up with for the Wonder Dog's complete inability to get the job done when it matters most, is that either Craig Krenzel or Henry Burris must have made a 2003 visit to Nip/Tuck's Dr. Sean McNamara or Dr. 90210's Dr. Robert Rey and officially changed his name to Rex Grossman.

* Oh yeah, Rex. Hmmmm...who possibly could have seen that coming?

* It was WrigleyBill ROH who commented that trusting your future to Rex makes as much sense as reuiniting The Scorpions and having them play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" at the Superdome. Pure genius.

* Crap! Did I miss the NFL Pro Bowl? Oh man! I can't believe I missed it!! Someone tell me quick...how many catches did Bobby Wade have? Did J.J. Arrington run the ball well? Did Alfonso Boone have any sacks? You mean, he pulled out with an "injury" too?

* The NFL Pro Bowl is like going to see "Styx" at this summer's LisleFest. If you go expecting to see genuine stars doing what they do best, you are going to come away horribly disappointed. Oh sure, Chuck Panozzo is still humming on the bass and Crummy Gums McGowan is still tuning the guitars and having his way with the ladies that the band wants no part of, but Tommy Shaw's boss at White Castle won't let him leave work early and there's a sale on Mel Gibson autographed menorahs at Esther Epstein's Chutzpah Emporium and Dennis DeYoung is working the register.

* See... that memory charm worked didn't it?

* With Queer Eye For the Straight Guy fan Chuck Panozzo still in the band, I can guarantee that Tim Hardaway wants no part of LisleFest this year. And there goes his chance to play with Jeff Garcia at the Liberace Memorial Golf Tournament to be held this year at Crooked Stick. Not to mention his hopes of making an NBA comeback and joining J.J. Redick in the Orlando Magic backcourt, his plans to open a hair salon with Mike Piazza, and his dream of taking care of Stan's dog Sparky at Big Gay Al's farm.

* Liberace, not gay? Sure, and David Stern is going to ask Tyrus Thomas to teach a class on how to deal with the media.

* By the way, upon hearing Hardaway's comments, John Paxson immediately fined Tim $10,000 and insisted that he not wear a headband to the Indigo Girls concert that night.

* Bet you feel pretty stupid having voted for Mark Foley now, huh Tim?

* Andy Reid took a month leave of absence from the Eagles to deal with personal matters, including the felony-arrests of his sons, Garrett, who apparently has been spending a little too much time with the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, and Britt, who apparently thinks that he is the real Slim Shady. Andy, please do not waver. Be proud of your boys. After all, there is a very simple explanation for their behavior. Marvin Lewis had offered them a tryout and they were just preparing for life in Cincinnati.

* The Bears are spending the off-season looking for a host of new coaches. The Lions are spending the off-season looking for new players (not to mention a guidebook on how to keep coaches from driving naked down Eight Mile). The Cowboys are spending the off-season trying to figure out how to get T.O. to finish the job and actually succeed this time. I am sure you will agree that theses are all understandable and not particularily unusual off-season activities. The Bengals, on the other hand, are spending the off-season looking for Jackie Childs phone number and trying to coax Alonzo Spellman out of retirement and break Maurice Clarett out of the clink.

* I recommend orange unis on the road and traditional black and white stripes when playing home games at Paul Brown Stadium. Gonna be awfully tough to run routes with that ball attached to your ankle, though. By the way, Chris Henry, please be sure to say hello to Snake, Mike Tyson and the sisters for me. And, speaking of the sisters, I wouldn't drop the soap.

* Man, there certainly was a little trouble at Minxx in Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend, huh? Who knew Andy Reid's other son goes by the name Pac-Man?

* Jessica Alba. What else needs to be said?

* The University of Illinois finally retired Chief Illiniwek. Look, Bruce, Eric Gordon made his choice. Get over it.

* As long as the Illini are completely willing to get rid of things that are controversial, perhaps removing the Coors Lite Party Ball from the locker room would be a good idea. And somebody please remind Jamar Smith that Chester Frazier is not Dr. Mark Greene or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Heck, Chester Frazier is not even Dr. Nick Riveria.

* "Hi everybody!" Uh oh, Brian is not answering. I know, Chester, let's leave Brian in the car overnight and tomorrow we can take him to my Uncle Bernie's beach house, dress him in a Hawaiian shirt, get a keg, and invite Lindsay Lohan over. Yeah, that's a great idea!

* By the way, make sure you keep criticizing Kelvin Sampson for unethical recruiting practices. Don't worry, I'm sure that your next group of Illini recruits will take you back to the top of the mountain. Rumor has it that Jose Cuervo has a great jump shot, Jack Daniels is a ferocious rebounder, and Zima (hey, he's from South America. Who needs a last name at Carnival?) likes to cut back door.

* Tim Hardaway will NOT be attending any of your games next year...

* The Illini picked up a much-needed home win versus Michigan Wednesday night at the fake Assembly Hall (memory charm, people!). Can someone please tell me how Tommy Amaker still has a job? Does he have pictures of the UM Athletic Director making out with Thad Matta? Did Drew Henson give him those photos of Tom Brady dressed in drag at the Alpha Beta formal? Does he have evidence that Chris Webber and Jalen Rose took improper benefits? Wait a minute, strike that last one. Saying that Webber and Rose took improper benefits is like saying that Barry Bonds took steroids. How much evidence do you really need?

* First, the Wolverines get screwed out of the BCS Championship Game (yes, I did see the Rose Bowl as well as the ass-whooping laid on Ohio State in the Championship Game, yet am still convinced that Michigan should have played in the game under the system as it is set up) and now UM fans are forced to suffer through another basketball season of abject mediocrity. But, you know what, I am delighted that Michigan is forced to suffer. Any school that is responsible for unleashing David Terrell on the world, deserves everything they they get.

* By the way, a memo to Tommy Amaker and Notre Dame coach Mike Brey... 1992 called. They want their look back. Like other 1992 favorites, The Spin Doctors, the Home Alone franchise, and the Chicago Blackhawks making an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, the mock turtleneck/ sportcoat look is gone, likely never to return. Ever.

* Michigan's loss was Florida's gain and the Gators ended up adding a BSC championship to their 2006 NCAA basketball championship. One may wonder how a school that produced a quarterback who frightened Bears' fans with one of the most embarrasing performances in quite some time has enjoyed such a terrific run. I mean that Danny Wuerrfel country Christmas album was worse than Eddie Murphy's rendition of "Party All the Time," although not quite as bad as Don Johnson's self-titled debut.

* Super Bowl. Fourth Quarter. Now that was Don Johnsorrific.

* Oh yeah, Erin Andrews. That explains things.

* Hey, memory charms aren't that strong!

* Speaking of college basketball...we can all breathe a little easier now knowing that Duke will return to the NCAA Tournament. Four straight losses in late December/ early February and Coach K was about to come down with another mysterious "back injury." It got so bad he put Pete Gaudet on the speed dial.

* Yes, Coach K missed the Pro-Bowl too. Man, those freak injuries crop up at the most convenient times, don't they?

* Mike Golic Jr. gave a verbal commitment to Notre Dame. In other news that absolutely nobody cares about, Mitchell Henderson from Lafayette, Louisiana bought a new 1977 El Camino, George Newell ate a hamburger but got mad when they ignored his request and put onions on it, and little Sally Sutherland got a B+ on her geography test. She would have gotten an 'A' but she wrongly thought that Iraq had been officially named "That country in the Middle East that we have no chance of getting out of with our dignity intact."

* Best e-mail sent to the Mike & Mike show in the last couple of weeks... "Congratulations Mike Golic on your son's verbal commitment to Notre Dame. You must be extremely proud that your son is more interested in pleasing his father than he is in winning football games." Man, like Al Gore and the Internet, Teddy Padillac and the umbrella "twirl," and Homer Simpson and the toilet chair, I sure wish I could take credit for that.

* Gilbert Arenas promised Portland Head Coach Nate McMillan that he would score 50 points against the TrailBlazers when the Wizards matched up with Portland a few weeks ago. Arenas apparently holds a grudge against McMillan for the TrailBlazers' coach's role in keeping Gilbert off the national team last summer. Arenas came up just a tad short, scoring 9 points on 3-15 shooting, including 0-8 from behind the arc. That's okay, Gilbert. No need to feel bad just because you missed your mark by a 41 measly points. Lions' receiver Roy Williams watched the game and wants everyone to know how incredibly close you came to scoring 150 in the game. I mean, a couple of bounces here and there...

Oh man, like Michael Jackson and his date at the beginning of the video for Thriller, I am out of gas (I am, however, like other guys). I have a lot more to say, though, so please come back for Part II of the Return of the RT, hopefully coming to a computer screen near you early next week.

And, as always, thank you very much for your continued support of the RT.