Who's Hungry For Some Wings?

Yesterday I mentioned that I am officially ready to give Tony Kornheiser a thumbs up for his work in the Monday Night Football television booth. In the same paragraph, I stated that, although, I agree that Joe Thiesmann has an annoying habit of contradicting himself throughout a broadcast, overall, I enjoy his work as well. And then I turned on Mac, Jurko and Harry on ESPN Radio 1000.

Once Harry finished spending 45 minutes kissing Rex the Wonder Dog's butt and Mac stopped roundly criticizing the Cubs' hiring of Sweet Lou (you don't cheer against the Cubs, eh Mac? Sure, and Hooters got it's name because the original investors were big fans of Hedwig, Pigwidgeon and John Chaney), they turned to their normal Tuesday afternoon staple "Critics At Extra-Large," during which they and their listeners crititique the performance of television and radio announcers and the print media. And yesterday, I heard so much anger and vitriol, you would have sworn either that the aforementioned national restaurant chain had announced that their waitresses were going to start wearing parkas and snow pants or that all future hires were going to be required to be graduates of the 2002 Sally Struthers school of binge snacking.

Look, I don't know about you, but although I like Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes and a Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise as much as the next guy, I prefer to have my chicken wings delivered by the 2005 USC Homecoming Queen than by Queen Latifah.

You see, Mac (and to a lesser extent Jurko and Harry) absolutely hates the new Monday Night team, and Thiesmann in particular. And what is worse is that it seems as though every listener immediately jumps on the bandwagon, treating Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser as if they are the three worst announcers in the history of sports broadcasting (I personally get the feeling that they are just playing up to the hosts). And what is most amazing is that such hatred is coming from Chicago sports fans who are forced to deal with Chris Singleton, Darrin Jackson and Hawk Harrelson for 162 games a year (and only 162 games).

Call me crazy, and I suspect that I am in the minority on this, but I like the new MNF announcing team. As I mentioned yesterday, I think that Kornheiser has shown a reasonable understanding of the game and is tremendously witty. Thiesmann, for his part, will certainly never be confused with Marilyn vos Savant or any other member of Mensa*** (after all, this is the same guy who once said -- as previously quoted in the RT -- “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”), but he still knows the game and offers, what in my mind, is a necessary former-player's perspective on the action. And Tirico may not be the greatest play-by-play guy in history but he does a decent-enough job calling the action.

So why do Mac, Jurko and Harry hate the MNF crew so much? Yes, Thiesmann contradicts himself and is occasionally plagued by a case of verbal diarrhea. Yes, Kornheiser can come across as smug at times and if he really cut Donovan McNabb from his fantasy team as he claims he did, qualifies as an NFL "expert" to the same extent that Juan Uribe qualifies as an expert in how to diffuse a tense situation without resorting to violence. And, yes, Tirico will never be considered football's answer to Andres Cantor, Chick Hearn, or Harry Doyle, but, in the end, M,J & H end up picking on the stupidest stuff to justify their hatred. Case in point...yesterday, Jurko fairly strongly criticized Tirico for describing Neil Rackers' missed kick as "leaking" as it drifted to the left of the goal post. Apparently, golf players refer to a shot that goes right as "leaking" and a shot that goes left as "hooking." Huh...

Talk about focusing on the minutia. Ultimately, isn't such criticism a little like criticizing your Hooters server because she didn't give you enough moist towelettes or rejecting the official Random Thoughts hottie for having a pinkie toe that is slightly out of proportion with the rest of her foot? (Raise your hand, if you just thought to yourself... "Jessica Alba has a foot?" -- Hey something has got to be in that boot).

Memo to Mac, Jurko and Harry... follow the advice of Larry Flynt when confronted by Charles Keating Jr. and his anti-pornography coalition. If you do not like the way the ESPN crew is calling the game that much, then don't watch. After all, there has got to be a Hustler around somewhere. I, for one, like the announcing team and they have still only been together for 2 1/2 months. What are your thoughts on Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser?

AROUND THE NFL

I didn't get a chance to see much NFL football this past weekend thanks to the fact that my house is surrounded by enough trees to shelter the entire Brady family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, Harvey Klinger, Milicent the little girl who caused Bobby to see skyrockets, the groovy producer who wanted to turn Greg into Johnny Bravo, everyone who ever made fun of Jan...yes all 6,439 of them, cousin Oliver (who looks freakishly like John Denver on the cover of JD's Greatest Hits) and six waitresses from Hooters after Mike decides that under a tree is the perfect place to hide out during a lightning-filled thunderstorm. In other words, I was too busy raking leaves to watch the Bengals revert back to the days of Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter, the Seahawks be relieved that they were called for an illegal formation and not a false start, and the Tennessee Titans reduce those fat guys who sit in the Washington endzone seats looking like Miss Piggy after a run in with a barrel of radioactive waste to uncontrollable tears.

But there are a couple of things that I do know...

* I know that you can forget the Colts right now, as the Chargers are presently the best team in the AFC. Phillip Rivers looks like the real deal and the defense is excellent. Thanks to the exploits of Dan Fouts, John Jefferson, Kellen Winslow and Louie Kelcher, not to mention the fact that I absolutely loved their uniforms when I was 10 years old, I grew up a San Diego fan. A Bears - Chargers Superbowl would be perfect... like going to Hooters and finding out that Alyssa Milano will be the one bringing you another beer.

* Want to laugh? Watch the original "American Pie" movie. Want to be on the edge of your seat? Watch any season of '24." Want cheap thrills? Raid Todd's private collection of Jenna Jameson videos (that's three references in three days!). Want to see the cheerleader who used to sit in front of you in math class comparing Mrs. Denton to a hippopotamus (give her a break...at least she claims she did not know that Marcia got blamed) and doodling "I Love Kirk Cameron" on her notebook in a pair of tight orange shorts? You know where to go...

Want to find a future starting NFL quarterback? Better check the Pac-10. Of the 32 quarterbacks who played the most time for their teams in weeks 5 and 6, a whopping nine of them went to school in the Pac 10. The conference with the second most representatives? How about the MAC with an almost unbelievable five (Frye, Big Ben, Gradkowski, Leftwich and Pennington -- although Marshall is now in Conference USA, when Byron and Chad played there, it was a MAC school). The Big East, ACC and SEC each have three. Yes, you read that correctly... the MAC has more starting NFL quarterbacks than the overhyped SEC (and some might argue that after Monday night, whether Rex a truly a legitimate starting QB is once again in question. Some. Not necessarily me. I said some................................... Okay...me).

What about the Big Ten, you ask? Well, the poor Big 10 has only developed two current starting quarterbacks... Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Where are all the great Big 10 passers? Brooks Bollinger? You out there? Drew Henson? You still working at the Kroger? Brett Basanez? Jon Beutjer? Oh well, the Big 10 may not produce a lot of current big-time passers, but if you need someone to play Shaggy in the stage production of Scooby Shows Daphne His Bone, check the Bears' sideline for a former Big 10 standout. Not to mention the fact that nobody is better at Quarters or Three-Man than Penn State alum Kerry Collins and I would like to see how many quasi-quarterbacks who excel at Thermo-nuclear advance global timewarp kinetics have come out of Oregon State. Love live Craig Krenzel!

And at least the Big 10 is not the Big 12. One lousy quarterback from the Big 12 is currently starting in the NFL and that is Vince Young. Good thing The Team Who Must Not Be Named is a Basketball school. Oklahoma? Nebraska? What's your excuse?

THE RICK SPRINGFIELD FAN CLUB FFB LEAGUE WEEK-IN-REVIEW

This has been one of the strangest years I can remember when it comes to fantasy football. Thanks to injuries, bad play and unpredictability, I feel like we have been living in the fantasy bizarro world. Black is white. Up is down. Left is Right. Kramer has a job, George has entered the forbidden city, Elaine is hanging out with Kevin, Gene and Feldman and Jerry is dating a woman with hands that would put Andre the Giant to shame. And, to top it all off, Hooters is likely to begin serving sushi and goose liver pate. Fantasy football fans chew on the following statistics for a while... (all points based on the RSFC scoring system)

Quarterbacks

- Tom Brady has not been bad, but has been outscored by Jon Kitna (from Central Washington no less) and Alex Smith. On the field. Let's not get carried away.

- Take the above two names and add David Carr and Phillip Rivers to the list. All four have outscored Carson Palmer. In fact, Carson Palmer cannot even lay claim to the title of highest scoring QB in the state of Ohio. He is tied with Charlie Frye of the Browns. Yes, the Charlie Frye.

- Jake Delhomme, who, up to this year, has been a favorite of the "Proud Supporters of Louisiana Intercollegiate Quartebacks" (Jake is a grad of La-Lafayette), and J.P. Losman, who has forced the same group to try and convince everyone that Tulane is located in Mississippi, have the same number of points.

- Jake Plummer sucks worse than finding out that Hooters is out of 2007 swimsuit calendars and the decks of playing cards, but at least he has played in all five of the Broncos games. Bruce Gradkowski had to wait for Chris Simms' spleen to turn into oatmeal to get a chance and has only played in two games. Yet, the unheralded rookie has only been outscored by Plummer by two lousy points.

- Big Ben gets a lot of publicity. Yet, even with his two-TD game last week, he still has less points than Kyle Boller who has not even played a full game yet. Who should be hawking Fatheads now?

I mean besides Peter after he saved that little girl at the toy store.

Running Backs

- Are you starting to look like Troy Palamalu and desperately need a barber before Larry Johnson treats you like Tommy Lee treated Pam after finding out that she got a breast reduction? Well, Tiki has, for years, been an absolutely terrific all-around football player. But, this year, you would just as soon go to see Marion. The backup running back of the Cowboys has the same number of points as Tiki thanks to four touchdowns (Tiki has the same number of scores as me...zero)

- Thomas Jones has thus far held off Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson as the Bears starting tailback. Yet Jones has yet to find the endzone and is being outscored by Mo-Jo Drew 34-30 despite the fact that Drew entered the season as the Jags #4 tailback on the depth chart.

- Take #1 overall selection Shaun Alexander's 2006 output (yes, I know that he has been sidelined with a broken foot). Now take the production of first round draft picks Cadillac Williams and LaMont Jordan. Add all three together. Congrats...you just reached the point total of Eagles RB Brian Westbrook.

Wide Receivers

- Torry Holt is far and away the top scoring WR in the league this year. That is not necessarily surprising. But, guess who is second? T.O.? Only if you get points for trips to the E.R.. Chad Johnson? Only if you get credit for Sportscenter commericals and having a Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man haircut. Wendell Davis? C'mon... Try Reggie Brown.

- Pick a player that you would rather have on your team... Marvin Harrison or Mike Furrey? Hines Ward or Nate Washington? Hines Ward or Drew Carter? Hines Ward or Arnaz Battle? Believe it or not, like Madonna's boobs during her bizanne Marilyn Monroe/ cone bra era each pairing has the same number of points.

- Furrey does, however, have more points than Marvin's teammate Reggie Wayne and Washington, Carter and Battle all have more points than the aforementioned Wesley Snipes. How many of you considered Arnaz Battle in the second round?

- Joey Galloway has not exactly been unstoppable this year with 346 yards and only two TDs, but you have to add the point totals of Ward, Keenan McCardell, Derrick Mason, and Nate Burleson to match Joey's 28 total points.

Tight Ends

- Is Tony Gonzalez still a top-flight tight end? Owen Daniels, Chris Baker, Daniel Wilcox and the other nine TE who have outscored Gonzo in '06 don't think so. My guess is that Herman Edwards would agree.

- Ben Watson was considered the next great tight end entering the season and most "experts" figured that if anyone was likely to storm onto the scene ala Antonio Gates in 2004, it was Watson. Too bad, Watson has been outscored by not only by all of the players listed above, but also by Courtney Alexander, Dan Campbell, George Wrighster, John Gilmore and his own teammate Daniel Graham.

- Watson (7 points) may still be the next great tight end and may someday prove to be another Gates, but so far this season you would need four of him to match Gates modest point total of 28.

Overall

- Donovan McNabb has been far and away the best player in fantasy football this season with 129 points. Tied in second... raise your hand if you said Marc Bulger and the Bears defense with 89 points each and then give Dr. Brown the DeLoren back and throw away the year 2054 sports almanac you picked up while checking to see whether that Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pen you ordered in 1954 ever showed up.

- Most "experts" laugh at the idea of drafting a defense/ special teams high in a draft, but the Bears D/ST has made them all look like fools. Only four RB and two WR have more TD than the Bears' four.

- Finally, off the top of your head... who is the sixth highest overall scorer in fantasy football so far this year? The chances that any of you said the correct answer are about equal to the chances that Sister Mary Francis McDermott is going to hold her retirement party at Chili's (threw you a curve ball there, didn't I?). The answer is Robbie Gould. To get to Gould's total of 72 points, you would have to add the totals of preseason consensus #1 kicker Adam Vinatieri and perennial top-5 kicker Jason Elam and even throw in the 12 points amassed by that sniveling little gnat Martin Gramatica.

Were all these stats boring? Probably... but they are absolutely amazing and prove that it has been an awfully fantasy football strange season. There's your excuse when your team chokes like Edgerrin James and Neil Rackers.

GAME OF THE WEEK

There were a couple of possibilities entering Monday night, but thanks to the Bears' offense's impression of Koren Robinson's battle to kick the habit (talk about a lack of progress), nothing really panned out. How about...

Indiana 31, Iowa 28

Take that Luke Recker. And Steve Alford. And Robert Gallery. And Gene Wilder. And Tom Brokaw. And Ashton Kutcher. And all you fine ladies at the Hooters 22nd Street in Des Moines. I'll pass on picking on you, Dennis Green. You've had a tough enough couple of days as it is.

Tom Arnold also went to Iowa, which may explain a lot.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER

- LaDainian Tomlinson (Spanky) with 30 points

I have absolutely no idea why Marty Schottenheimer still had Tomlinson in the game with the Chargers firmly in control in the fourth quarter, but it allowed LT to rush for his fourth TD of the contest. Maybe Schottenheimer is planning on wagering a bundle on Miami Carol City High School next week and was hoping that LT would pull a hammy and have to miss Briscoe High's next game. For those of you not following the fortunes of the Hawks, Briscoe High is now 6-0 on the season.

Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention

- Torry Holt (Mr. October) with 25 points (Holt has been far and away the best receiver in football this year. Even in a losing effort -- both for the Rams and Mr. October -- his performance deserves mention)

- Marc Bulger (Short Bus) with 24 points (And who was throwing to Holt? Why Marc Bulger, of course. At least Bulger lead Brian M. to a victory)

- Chicago D/ST (Nickel Slots) with 21 points (Like a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a pair of velvet lined handcuffs, no explanation is necessary here)

LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER

- Rick Mirer (Slappers) with -4 points

I hate to beat a dead horse here, but Burris was terrible. The fact that the Bears overcame Moreno's six turnovers still amazes me. I know that Blake supposedly has moxie and poise in the pocket and Bears fans can only hope that this does not affect Jeff's confidence. Yes, even the greatest quarterbacks in history have suffered through games like the one McNown played on Monday night, but that really does not make me feel any more comfortable about Hartsell's 14-37 performance. Let's put this as simply as we can. Stenstrom sucked.

Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention

- Michael Turner (Prosthetic Legs) with 0 points (Turner had been getting regular carries while games were still in doubt, yet surprisingly received only a single hand off in the Chargers blowout of the 49ers. Who does Schottenheimer think he is? Barry Switzer?)

- Edgerrin James (Mr. October) with 1 point (Although, as a Bears fan, I sort of want to name him an MVP, rather than the other way around. You have to feel at least a little bad for Edge. Running behind the Arizona offensive line is like entering a gun fight with a water pistol. Both ways, you're dead)

- Tony Gonzalez (Shabbit) with 0 points (Listen closely and you might be able to hear Gonzo singing. "Won't you come home Trent Green... Won't you come home?")

BEST COACHING DECISION

- Play Joe Horn (17 pts) and sit Sayers-Payton-Benson (two punches thrown at Thomas Jones) and Leon Washington (2 pts): Who You Crappin

Inside sources tell me that Joe M. struggled with this decision, but ultimately made the right choice. Horn was definitely due given his lack of success thus far this year, but two TDs and 110 yards had to be a surprise.

Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention

- Play Marc Bulger (24 pts) and sit Michael Vick (10 pts): Short Bus (As the lifetime president of the Michael Vick Fan Club, I am deeply disappointed in Brian M's decision. I also wish that the Cubs would trade Derrek Lee and Big Z for A.J. Pierzynski and the rights to have Hawk Harrelson in the booth. And I hate Jimmy Buffett.)

- Play Jeff Reed (9 pts) over Lawrence Tynes (1 pt): Prosthetic Legs (With six teams on bye, it is very tough to find good decisions. I'll take the self-pat on the back).

WORST COACHING DECISION

- Play David Carr (0 pts) and sit Jake Delhomme (17): JEB Fins

Brian S. has to be at least a little relieved that the Bears' D/ST exploded for 21 pts Monday night, as the Bears' points made this poor decision essentially irrelevant (if the Bears had not gotten the job done, this choice would have cost Fins at least a tie).

Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention

- Play Robbie Gould (6 pts) and sit Josh Brown (13 pts): Slappers (Kickers are probably the most frustrating players in fantasy football. They are like ordering the daily special at The Golden Panda. There is really no way you can predict what you are going to get).

- Play Rex the Wonder Dog (-329 pts) and sit Steve McNair (-1 pt): Slappers (Okay, so I not really criticizing Todd for sitting a guy who had -1 point, but that fact that he would have been better off playing a guy who went 2-4 for 4 yards and an interception I think proves a point. Better luck in two weeks, Rexy.

I gotta go. I have a sudden desire to do something delightfully tacky... yet unrefined.

*** Did you know that Jodie Foster and James Woods are MENSA members. As is porn star Asia Carrera and, sit down because this may be harder to believe than the fact I actually do go to Hooters for the food, Eric Kuselias and even Mac, Jurko and Harry have got to agree that Thiesmann is better than Kuselias.