Don't Blame Me. I Voted For Gerry Bertier

Talk about getting screwed...

First, one of the three greatest movies of all-time, The Usual Suspects, is not even nominated for an Academy Award. Then Nicole Kidman wins the Best Actress Oscar for her role as Virginia Woolf in The Hours when fellow nominee Salma Hayek is so much hotter. And finally, Rachel McAdams and some dude whose name I do not care to look up take home a Moon Man for Best Kiss at the 2005 MTV "Look The Young Kids Don't Care What Meryl Streep is Wearing and Haven't Seen Either "Capote" or "Good Night and Good Luck" Anyway, So We Might As Well Invite Flea annd His Stuffed Animal Pants and Jay-Z and Start Our Own Movie Awards" Awards.

Hey, I like Rachel McAdams as much as the next guy, and I am sure that her kiss with ol' what's his name was very tender and nice, but anytime Jennifer Garner making out with Natissia Malthe is up for an award, but doesn't take home the trophy, you've really got to wonder whether Stevie Wonder and the cast of Queer Eye for The Blind are the ones doing the voting. (And if you do not know who Natissia Malthe is, it's worth the two minutes to look her up).

And now, we have hit rock bottom as James Hall of the Detroit Lions has won the NFC Defensive Player of the Week over the Chicago Bears' own Brian Urlacher. Look, I am sure that Hall had a very nice game and the stats seem to bear (no pun intended) it out. After all, he did finish the game with 3 1/2 sacks and a forced fumble. But, c'mon people. There is simply no way that he or anyone for that matter was better than Brian Urlacher last week.

And, let's be honest here... Hall's numbers are a little misleading. Yes, the official stats credit him with 3 1/2 sacks, but the truth is that he was going against former-Bear turnstile Mike Gandy all day. Three and one-half sacks against Mike Gandy? Big frickin' deal. It is really no different than hitting a home off Gopherball Glendon, scoring 30 when being guarded by Antoine Walker, winning a college football game against Illinois, or getting that one-armed chick who hangs out at the corner of North Avernue and Halsted in her fishnets to sleep with you as long as you don't look like Steve Buscemi. Should it really count? I believe it was Jurko who made his first witty and intelligent comment of the month of October when he said that 3 1/2 sacks against Gandy really ought to count as one-half, maybe one, sack at the absolute most.

Heck, you could probably fetch Alonzo Spellman out of St. Mungo's or Pescadero State Hosptial or Azkaban or Sing-Sing or that tool shed behind Phillip Daniels' house, dress him up, roll him out there, and he could probably record a sack against the former Notre Dame offensive lineman. Come to think of it, I think this is the week that he gets to spend walking on the beach and swimming in the ocean on Plum Island.***

I have no doubt that Detroit's first win of the season is at least partially the result of the fine play of Hall, but the Lions also got terrific contributions from Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones, and Roy Williams. In fact, I think Herman Moore may have even had a catch against the Bills and Chris Speilman may have taken the neck brace off long enough to make a couple of tackles. Brian Urlacher, on the other hand was, in my opinion, single handedly responsible for the Bears' miracle win Monday night. Oh sure, Devin Hester, Neil Rackers and the rest of the defense deserve at least some credit, but without #54 doing his thing the Bears lose. Period. He should have been the NFC Defensive Player of the Week and the fact that he is not is a screw-job of "Blame Canada" loses the Oscar for Best Song to some stupid Phil Collins song from Tarzan proportions.

* Yes, Urlacher was amazing, but me thinks that the Bears' official statistics are a tad exaggerated. Twenty-five tackles? C'mon. Of course, I have been known to take liberty with the truth every now and then by "crediting" Rex the Wonder Dog with 17 interceptions in a game or questioning how Jose Contreras continues to pitch at age 94 , so I guess my criticism is a little like Angel Guzman criticizing Juan Mateo for his inability to throw strikes, Ozzy Osborne sticking his nose up at Mike Ditka's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," and
Tara Reid questioning Lindsay Lohan's social habits.

* Losing Mike Brown for the remainder of the season is definitely a blow to the Bears' defense, but I honestly believe that the team can and will survive. Personally, while I do not deny that Brown is a solid player, I have always thought that his Pro-Bowl reputation is really a continuing hangover from his two game-winning returns for touchdown during the 2001 season. In other words, if he was a Desperate Houswife, he would be Lynette Scalvo, but not quite Gabrielle Solis (that's Felicity Huffman and not quite Eva Longoria for those of you who have never visited Wisteria Lane and, therefore have no idea what in the heck I am talking about). In other words, you are certainly not going to kick him off the team, but you also know that there are better options out there.

The question is whether Todd Johnson can do the job. Johnson has proven to be a big hitter (as evidenced by his crunching hit on an Arizona receiver Monday night), but whether he is capable of playing every down is another story. The bottom line is that there will naturally be a drop-off, but the front seven is so good that it the impact likely will not be as devastating as if the Bears lost the real NFC Player of the Week, Tommie Harris, or Nathan Vasher.

Besides, losing Brown is not all bad. After all, Johnson is still a relative unknown with no leverage while Brown is a seven year veteran who requires a certain amount of coddling. In other words, this gives the Bears' stat folks the perfect opportunity to just credit all of Johnson's plays to Urlacher, without the former Gator saying a word. Look for Brian to record a good 35 tackles or so in against San Francisco in week 8.

And allowing Urlacher to pad his stats is not even the best part. Having Brown on the bench with crutches is also sure to come in handy should the Bears ever find themselved matched up against Florida International. Not to mention to fact that having his foot in a cast will be just what the doctor ordered should Rowdy Roddy Piper and Paul Orondorff need a manager in their up and coming Rock n' Wrestling match against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.***

* Speaking of NFL safeties and uncalled for acts of violence on the football field, New England's Rodney Harrison has been named the Dirtiest Player in the NFL for the second time in three seasons. And the designation does not come from the reporter who was once blown off by Harrison after he promised to grant an exclusive interview, the woman who feels scorned after Harrison failed to call after he convinced her to join him in acting out scenes from the Spice Network feature "Remember the Trojans (and the Ramses and the Lifestyles and the sure they come in pretty colors but they offer you less protection than covering up with a tube sock)", or even the little kid whose Kit Kat, Rodney stole in 3rd grade. Nope, Harrison was voted the dirtiest player by his peers -- the other players in the NFL.

Nobody should really be surprised that Harrison got a whopping 23% of the vote in the Sports Illustrated NFL players poll (although Rodney claims that he is shocked and that nobody would be willing to call him dirty to his face. Well, of course not, they probably afraid that you would take a swipe at their knees). After all, Harrison is the NFL's answer to Dennis Rodman and Mark Cuban, having been fined an NFL record $300,000 over the last 13 years. In fact, according to NFL sources, Harrison actually puts $30,000 -$50,000 in a dedicated fund before every season to cover his inevitable fines. This guy makes Wayne Arnold and Budy Hinton seem like altar boys. He may be a terrific football player, but he is a grade-A asshole.

And you can be damn sure that the Marian Catholic nun who he slugged would vote for him as well.

* Nope. Not concerned about libel in the least. Truth, after all, is an absolute defense.

* Were you one of the 872 people at the United Center on Wednesday night to watch the first-place Chicago Blackhawks defeat the Montreal Canadians 2-1? No? Then you missed quite a bit. You missed the opportunity to eat Cherry Heads during the power play and Grape Heads during the penalty kill. You missed the opportunity to check out which of the players' wives are wearing leather pants and whether Eric Daze got peppers on his nachos during his 1,275th consecutive day in the press box. You missed the chance to see Martin Havlat, possibly the greatest Hawk since Denis Savard was still doing spin-a-ramas, score his 7th goal of the young season. And, most importantly, you missed the chance to see the greatest player in the history of the NHL to wear uniform #84... Guillaume Latendresse. That's right. The greatest in the history of the NHL.

Latendresse has played a total of six games in his career with one lousy shot on goal and a -2 plus/minus rating, yet, holds the distinction as the greatest #84 in history because, you see, he is the only #84 in history. Monsieur Latendresse's on-ice appearance in a #84 Habs sweater now completes the NHL record book as #84 was the only number that had never been worn in an NHL game. Oh yeah, except #1969. They are saving that for when Ron Santo becomes the first man with no legs to lace up the skates and take a shift.

And the NHL was getting awfully embarrassed at having to list former Bears WR Brian Baschnagel, who once wore his jersey when he accompanied the "shoot the puck chick" to center ice at a 1983 game at the old stadium, as the greatest #84 for ever take the ice. And while Baschnagel was a perfect gentlemen, she confused him and his mustache with Bill Buckner and wound up going home with Al Secord, anyway.

* Former Big Ten center Marcus Griffin was rushed to the hospital Wednesday night after losing a bet with Frankie Williams that he could fit 80 billiards balls in his mouth. Griffin, who once actually won the right to touch Indiana's five NCAA Championship banners after fitting six bottles of Richard Keene's hairpray in his ecxceptionally large mouth (to the shock and dismay of former Hoosiers Jared Jeffries and Kirk Haston who had to pay off the bet by sneaking into the real Assembly Hall to allow Griffin to have his thrilling banner experience), was released from the hospital after having his jaw reattached and wired shut. While in the emergency room, he made sure to say hello to Marcus Liberty who was there...well...because Spellman had already claimed the spot on the shed floor that does not have any protruding nails and, frankly, he had nowhere else to go.

Is that what you were looking for, Chief?

* Great... now I am going to get sued for liable.

* Finally, I could not agree more with "Bearister's" assessment of Mac, Jurko and Harry as radio snobs. He has really hit the nail on the head (The biggest problem is that Mac is not only a sports snob, but a music and movie snob as well). And his analogy to Lamar Thomas in his latest comment was terrific. As was "WrigleyBill's" reference to Homer's "little brother" Pepe (acceptable reasons for wanting to be a big brother... spite, malice, revenge, boredom, and profit). Finally, "All hail the chief's" comment that "Everyone has their own tastes. If you do not like the wings, go for the breasts," was classic.

And that is why I am proud to announce that "Bearister," "WrigleyBill" and "All hail the chief" are the first three members of the Random Thoughts Commentor "Ring of Honor" (with "pfarro" already knocking on the door of the exclusive club, but still having a ways to go). And what do they get as the inagural members of the RT CROH? A copy of the official RT hottie's first big acting break "Dark Angel: Season One" on DVD? An autographed hospital bed pan from Thing One's unfortunate stay in a Minneapolis hospital with blood clotting in his arm? Steve Lyons' discarded copy of the movie "Spanglish" and an 8 x 10 of the former Fox Baseball broadcaster dressed as Don Juan for Halloween? Nope, each gets a lovely framable certificate and all my respect and admiration.

So how do you become a proud member of the Ring of Honor? Well, you have to comment! I'll give you a topic to get you all going... How about writing about the scariest terror threat that you can think of. And try and get the NFL involved if you can. And after you post your thoughts, you can then rob a bank and leave your business card behind, claim that you found a finger in your bowl of Wendy's chili and enter the next baseball season completely relying on the health of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. And then you can possibly move to Wisconsin.

At least now we know who voted for Rachel McAdams and Robert Hall.

And didn't vote for Harrison.

Have a great weekend!

***Today's Pop-Culture Trivia Question: Who was told that if he cooperated, he could spend a week on Plum Island soaking up the sun?

***Today's Sort-Of Sports Trivia Question (Man I hope someone knows this and knows what I am talking about): What wrestler who was famous for wearing a cast on his arm was in Piper and Orondorff's corner at the Rock n' Wrestling spectacular? Which two indivuals were in Hogan and Mr. T's corner? And please don't say that I am a fool and you pity me for knowing this.