Welcome to the Future

As many of you are aware, tomorrow morning I will be hopping on United flight #1 and heading off to lovely Omaha, Nebraska. While it is work that takes me to Omaha, you can bet that I will carve out a little time to search for the perfect waterfall, enjoy a traditional Nebraskan luau and look for Jessica Alba on the beach. Oh, wait a minute, I meant to say… visit some insurance companies, play the 6-4-3 trifecta at Ak-Sar-Ben and try and find the childhood home of Gabrielle Union to see the elementary school where Isis started her cheerleading career, before moving to East Compton to captain the Clovers (if thewife wants to live in a fantasy world and really think that I’m in heart of cornhusker country, hey, that’s her business).

Anyway, given that my trip to paradise will be followed up with a family vacation to Sanibel Island, which will, in turn, be followed up by a work trip to Colorado Springs to stay at the Broadmoor (where it is my understanding you have to wear a tuxedo to bed), the Random Thoughts will regretfully be headed to the disabled list for a couple of weeks. Although Jim Hendry and Dusty are claiming that the RT will be back in a few days, you all know better.

That said, I have set my schedule as follows… I’ll be completely shut down until late July, will then write a couple of simulated blogs to see how my brain responds, will follow up with a post in Peoria, move on to Iowa, and make my glorious return to the world of blogging on Tuesday, August 8. I sincerely hope you will all be return to the RT at that time.

Of course, you can bet that a lot is going to happen between now and then. Fortunately, I have borrowed the DeLoren, stolen some plutonium from the Libyan terrorists, and headed into the future. And I hate to say it, but Timbuk 3 was wrong…for a lot of people, the future really isn’t that bright. Might as well leave your shades at home.

July 9

Italy defeats France to win the World Cup on penalty kicks. Italy finally manages to secure the victory when France’s 127th shooter, Gerard Depardieu misses wide after being threatened by Tony Soprano.

The Chicago Bulls announce an exciting new promotion for the 2006-07 season. The first 10,000 fans through the turnstiles for the Bulls October 23 game against the Wizards will receive three very special basketball publications: Tyson Chandler’s Guide to Shooting the Perfect Jump Shot, Eddy Curry’s autobiography titled "My Lack of Heart Refers A Lot More than My Cardiomyopathy," and his rebounding guide "Jump? Who in the Heck Needs to Jump?"

July 10

Not to be outdone, the United Center’s other resident, the Blackhawks, announce a special new promotion of their own. The first 10,000 people through the turnstiles for the season will each get to put on the Indian Head sweater and skate a shift on the Whatshisnameov – Whointhehellisheov line. Hawks management warns people that they fully expect to give away all 10,000 shifts by the Hawks 33rd home game in early February.

Tyson Barrett is named to the NL All-Star team as replacement for Paul LoDuca.

July 11

The American League wins the All-Star game 8-6 on a two-out, three-run home run by A.J. Pierzynski in the top of the ninth inning. Pierzynski hits the home run off Ryan Dempster who was added to the roster after Ricky Vaughn turned down an invitation that was received after Mike Remlinger turned down an invitation that was received after Jorge Julio turned down an invitation that was received after Shawn Estes turned down an invitation that was received after Armando Benitez turned down an invitation that was received after Joe Borowksi turned down an invitation that was received after Brad Lidge turned down an invitation that was received after… You get the picture. Catching at the time for NL was Nomah who was forced into the game as the result of Tyson Barrett’s early exit – triggered by a 7th inning home plate collision with the aforementioned.

Dusty Baker tells the Chicago media that the Cubs will be fine once they get all their pieces back. When asked what pieces he is waiting for, Baker replies “Thing One.”

July 12

Upset that he was not one of the pitchers invited to replace Amanda Wurlitzer who turned down an invitation after Jeff Fassero turned down an invitation, Todd Wellemeyer goes on a crime spree, but is finally caught after police discover that he was giving surprised store clerks his own baseball cards as a memento. He is immediately ordered to remain in the barn until his trial.

July 13

Dusty is officially relieved of his duties as manager of the Chicago Cubs. Bruce Kimm and Jim Essian are brought in to co-manage until a suitable replacement can be found.

July 14

After being turned down by Lou Pinella, Lou Brown, Larry Brown, Tom Kelly, Kelly Kapowski, Morris Buttermaker, that little kid who manages the Twins in Little Big League, Joe Riggins (who commented that he wasn’t about the manage yet another team of lollygaggers), Crash Davis, Steve Stone, Mike Davis and newly unemployed Gunston, the Chicago Cubs announce Kelvin Sampson as their new manager. Andy McPhail claims that Sampson was their choice all along.

July 15

Completely frustrated with his dwindling playing time, Weasley quits the Cubs and signs a contract with the Chudley Cannons. When asked why, Weasley states that his only priority is winning. When reminded that the Cannons have not won a title since 1892 and that their team motto is “Let’s all cross our fingers and hope for the best,” Weasley responded, “I know. But compared to my old employer…”

July 16

Desperate for relief pitchers after Bobby Jenks mistakes Cliff Politte for a bratwurst and Neal Cotts for a slice of cheesecake, the Sox call up Sean Tracey from Triple A. Tracey hits eight straight Yankee batters before quitting baseball to star in the new Broadway production of the John Waters directed, Johnny Depp – Traci Lords – Ricki Lake farce “Cry-Baby”

July 17

The Blackhawks shock the hockey world by signing center Denis Arkhipov. Crap! That already happened…

July 19

While vacuuming, Kerry Wood feels a twitch in his shoulder and announces that he will undoubtedly miss the rest of the season. In other news, the American government announces that Osama Bin Laden is not a nice guy.

July 20

Still desperate for relief pitchers, the Sox sign Matt Karchner, Mark Guthrie and Dave Veres to contracts. Consistent with the Sox luck and the curse of the ex-Cub, all three immediately embark on 20-inning scoreless streaks.

July 22

Let the fire sale begin! The Cubs unload Einstein Jones on the Yankees. In return they receive the exclusive right to have Tyler Chicken run concessions at Wrigley,

July 23

Jones quits the Yankees, moves to Arkansas and takes a job as a hen supervisor.

Three 20-somethings are rushed from Wrigley Field to the hospital with severe stomach pain. Doctors argue whether it was the chicken flavored frosty malts, the chicken mai tais or the chicken flavored chicken that caused the problem.

July 24

Carlos Zambrano is traded to the White Sox for Matt Karchner. Laughing hysterically, Jerry Reinsdorf agrees to throw in Jannero Pargo.

Todd Walker is traded to the Marlins for nobody. That’s right…nobody.

July 25

The Cubs trade Juan Pierre to the Red Sox for Curt Schilling’s bloody sock. Cubs management is horrified to discover that it is actually ketchup.

July 26

The Random Thoughts fearless leader is taken to the hospital with a broken arm. Everyone is reminded that patting oneself on the back for 24 hours straight can be hazardous to one’s health. Juan Pierre enjoys his new digs.

The Bears arrive in Bourbonnais for the start of training camp. Rex Grossman is injured in a car accident on the way to Olivet Nazarene when Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin’s Escalade runs a red light. Eddie claims that “Spongebob No Pants” was just getting to the good part (yes, I did steal that from the Simpsons…)

July 27

Rex the Wonder Dog is put on IR. Henry Burris and Moses Moreno quit their jobs at Burger King and hitchhike to Bourbonnais

July 29

Mark Prior breaks both arms in a car accident after Eddie Griffin’s Escalade fails to yield. Eddie claims that “The Devil Wears a Strap-On” was just getting to the good part.

July 30

Dick Jauron is mid-way through his first week as Buffalo Bills head coach. Buffalo media is already sick of hearing Dick start every sentence with “We like David. We think he is going to be a good player for our football team.”

Across the country, David Terrell robs a Kwik-E-Mart.

August 2

Suddenly realizing that the Cubs outfield now consists of Angel Pagan, Phil Nevin and Yosh Kowano, the Cubs sign Glenallen Hill. Hill never makes it out of the clubhouse after the team fails to find a helmet big enough to fit his head. Rumor begins to circulate that Glenallen’s little girl is a classmate of Dominic Palmeiri/ Cullen Crisp Jr. at an Astoria, Oregon elementary school and is taught by John Kimble ***

August 3

With Glenallen out of the picture, the Cubs decide to head to San Pedro de Macoris to bring Sammy Sosa back to the North Side. Sammy shows up weighing 110 pounds and listening to Kenny G on his boom box. Aramis gives him Jason Grimsley’s phone number.

August 4

Despite going 0-9 with eight strikeouts, Sammy sets a new personal record for most consecutive games without leaving a runner in scoring position. Jerome Walton and Bob Dernier just don’t get on base like they used to.

The Cubs sign Willie Mays Hayes, Roger Dorn and Jake Taylor.

August 5

Roberto Novoa gives up three runs, after mistakenly entering the game, when Manager Sampson had actually wanted Scott Eyre. Sampson explains that text messaging the bullpen isn’t easy, but that he is committed to making it work

Gayle Sayers, er Cedric Benson rushes for 4 yards on 18 carries in an intrasquad game. Lovie announces that he is the starter. Thomas Jones laughs and he laughs.
August 6

And he laughs and he laughs and he laughs

August 7

And he laughs.

Wade Miller breaks both legs in a car accident after Eddie Griffin’s Escalade crosses the center line and heads into oncoming traffic. Eddie claims that “The Porn Identity” was just getting to the good part

Completely forgetting that such a plan is doomed to fail from its inception thanks to the Lincoln Park Trixies, the Des Moines Esthers and White Sox fans whose sole concern is the continuation of the Cubs century of misery, it is announced that the Cubs have been intentionally losing games in hope of knocking down the attendance to such an extent that the Tribune can move the team to Havana. The team unveils a life-size cardboard cutout of Dennis FitzSimons wearing a leopard print dress and pledges to remove a piece of the dress after every victory. The team agrees to “win the whole damn thing…”

* As I mentioned at the top of this post, I sincerely hope that everyone returns to the Random Thoughts on August 8. As most of you know, I truly appreciate your support of my writing and hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. In the meantime, I have set up a community blog at http://danisgone.blogspot.com/. Anyone can post by using the user name “danisgone” and the password “danisgone.” Who knows? I just may make an occasional appearance…

Finally, I promise that while in Nebraska, I will take every precaution to ensure that I will return to the mainland safe and sound. I won’t take any hula lessons for fear of throwing out my back. I will refuse to enter into a surfing contest for fear of a nasty wipeout. I will remember to bring popcorn should I go exploring in rainforests and caves. I will avoid Mr. Hanlei at all costs. I will not pick up any ancient tiki idols at construction sites. I will never, and I repeat never, talk to anyone who calls an inanimate statue Oliver. And, last but not least, I will not buy thewife either the coral necklace or the jade pin.

See you in a month!!!!

***Today's pop culture trivia questions: Who was John Kimble's partner and why would I specifically include this particular reference in conjunction with Glenallen Hill?