Yesterday, Halas Hall brimmed with excitement and joy. Brian Griese had signed on as the newest member of the Chicago Bears. Reports that Rex the Wonder Dog had broken his pelvis in a mean game of Battleship turned out to be untrue. The possibility that Kyle the Bearded Wonder would be asked to win games had become more remote. Life was good.
And then the calendar turned to Thursday, March 23, 2006.
A press conference was called. Reporters from around the globe gathered. Kids skipped school to listen. Jeff Joniak's cell phone wouldn't stop ringing. Talk of cancelling tonight's NCAA tournament games intensified. The Bulls' playoff run failures didn't seem to matter much anymore...
Thursday, March 23, 2006. A day that now shall forever be known as "Jerry Azumah Day."
Sarcasm is so frickin' hard to write...
What the heck is going on here?!? Did the Chicago Bears really call a press conference to announce the retirement of Jerry Azumah? Excuse me, Jerry Azumah? What's next, a halftime ceremony honoring the legacy of Cap Boso? A jersey retirement for Jim Morrissey? Replica Roland Harper mini-helmets to the first 15,000 through the turnstiles?
Most importantly, does Brian Griese now realize that he does not get to share the same lockeroom with Azumah? Man, talk about a kick in the gut. Let's hope he doesn't suddenly come down with a mysterious injury that gets him out of his contract. As far as Bears' management is concerned, at least he has already fulfilled his quota on the "I tripped over my dog on the way down the stairs" excuse. Maybe he can argue that he tripped on Thomas Jones' driveway. Whoops! I guess that one is out too.
Assuming that Griese still plans on donning the blue and orange, do you realize that his career numbers would make him statistically the most accomplished Chicago Bear quarterback in history? Look, let's be completely honest here. Griese is no Montana, Elway or Manning. Heck, he's been nothing more than mediocre-to good during his eight-year career. Yet, he would be the most accomplished QB in Bears' history. Is that akin to saying that he is the best juggler in a room of one-armed clowns?
Worthless Fact of the Day: Former Patriots' kicker and new Colt Adam Vinatieri is a cousin of Evel Knievel. Did anyone else have that sweet wind up Evel Knievel toy as a kid? Man, that thing was sweet. Super sweet!
Worthless Fact of the Day Part Deux: His great, great grandfather was the chief musician for General George Custer's 7th Caverly Regimental Band. Announcing your arrival by beating drums and playing the trumpet. Now that's good military strategy! Perhaps Griese ought to scream out "I'm throwing to Mee-Sin Me-hammed on this play," while under center. See if it works.
So, Kansas State took the plunge and hired former Jailbird University head coach and drunk driver Bob Huggins. Let's see. Huggins is now in the Big 12 with sauce-king Eddie Sutton. Team-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Head Coach Bill Self better plan on getting to next year's Big 12 conference luncheon a few hours early if he plans on having anything stronger than a Capri Sun.
Of course, Huggy-Bear also joins Bob Knight in the Big 12. Anyone else want to see the conference do away with basketball and just have their head coaches engage in a series of death matches?
Huggy-Bear's hiring may also have a major effect on recruiting and may potentially shift the balance of power toward the fields of Kansas. Let's be honest though. Super-recruits O.J. Mayo (#1), Bill Walker (#3) and Keenan Ellis (#15) cannot be happy about this news. Long expected to commit to whatever school Huggins winds up at, the three superstars have got to be reassessing their options. Oh sure, they would have loved to play in Manhattan, but I doubt they meant Manhattan, Kansas.
Checking through today's TV listings, I see that Huggins' former employer, the University of Cincinnati is scheduled to play tonight on ESPNU. Hey, I thought that CBS had the exclusive rights to broadcast NCAA tournament games. Oh yeah, I forgot about that Committee thing.
Mascot Update: Sheesh, the Stanford Tree just can't stay out of trouble. In the winter, the student who dressed as the tree was relieved of her duties after registering a 0.157 blood alcohol level during a game. Now comes word that the Tree has been suspended for the remainder of the postseason (the lady Cardinal are in the Sweet 16 of the women's tournament) for violating the NCAA's Footloose Law. Turns out the Tree danced in a prohibited area and John Lithgow had a hissy.
IU Coaching Update: Steve Alford is trying to make it seem as though he is rejecting Iniana, rather than the other (humilating) way around. Just when I was getting excited about Billy Gillispie, word is that he is expected to announce his intention to stay at Texas A (screw the ampersand) M. The buzz is that Gonzaga's Mark Few and Randy Whitman are the two frontrunners. Yuck and bigger yuck. The World's Largest Drum announced that its significant other, a baritone sax, loves West Lafayette and is unwilling to uproot the family and move south to Bloomington.
Tonight's Sweet 16 Matchups:
Duke-LSU
- Big Baby Davis is a load inside, but Coach K and Shelden Williams will find a way to neutralize him and make the other LSU players beat the Blue Devils. They won't. Duke 76, LSU 68
West Virginia-Texas
- I really want West Virginia to win, but fear that the scars of the Random Thoughts Curse run too deep. Texas has more athletes. West Virginia has more tattoos. It's generally better to have the former. Texas 72, West Virginia 70
Memphis-Bradley
Bradley is a nice story but Memphis is a better all-around team. Memphis has the big bodies to contend with Braves' big man Patrick O'Bryant. St. Patrick's Day was last week. Now it's Jerry Azumah Day. Memphis has a guy on their team named Jared who averages 0.5 points per game. In other words, he contributes about as much as Azumah did and, get this, their birthdays are only three days apart (not by year!!!). Memphis 81, Bradley 67
UCLA-Gonzaga
I hate Adam Morrison. UCLA 1,652, Gonzaga 4
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4 comments:
"Bill Self better plan on getting to next year's Big 12 conference luncheon a few hours early if he plans on having anything stronger than a Capri Sun."
I read your post with some concern - as a tavern owner, I hate to see a man without access to libations.
Is this Mr. Self part elf?
I can send along some elf-made wine, or a few bottles of butterbeer perhaps? Best in Hogsmeade . . .
If I were a Bears fan (and I’m not), I would get a little excited about Griese. He’s a decent QB, and as long as Muhammad remembers which way to run they should be fine. Vasher is 85% of their game anyway. I see a lot of similarities b/n Greise and Cordell Stewart. Both were decent QBs, but past their prime when signed by the Bears. A friend of mine in Dallas told me that if the Bears had Brett Farve that they’d win the Super Bowl. Ahh Chicago- the city of broad shoulders…and narrow trophy cases.
I hope I saved my ticket from Jerry Azumah's last home game! It will go on the bookshelf next to Jordan's last game and Sandberg's last game in my collection of the all-time great #23's in Chicago Sports History.
What about another famous #23, Jean-Yves LeRoux? Does the Bearister have the ticket stub from HIS last game?
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