Welcome to Amity Island

Just when you thought it was safe to believe that maybe -- just maybe -- the team was going to go on a nice little run and finally play up to expectations.

Just when you thought that it is okay to once again mock our neighbors to the north for their belief in Jeff Suppan, their hero worship of Aaron Rodgers and Squiggy, and their dental hygiene that would make Steve Buscemi say "wow, now them's some bad teeth."

Just when you believed that Cardinals' pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was more likely to spend mid-October performing with the Recovering Alcoholic Jug Band and Big Shirtless Ron in episodes of "Ya-Hoo!" than representing the NL Central in the playoffs.

Just when you thought the joy had returned to Wrigley Field and it was safe to start using the troughs again...

The 2009 Chicago Cubs prove once again why believing in this team is like believing that Steve McNair was the wholesome, family man that he purported to be. If disappointment is your cup of tea, then be my guest.

I do not think I have to tell anyone that this week started with the utmost promise. Aramis, Angel Guzman and Reed Johnson were all back in the fold. Carlos Marmol appeared to have shaken the Juan Cruz gene and returned to form. Theodore Roosevelt Lilly was pitching like Steve Carlton and Randy Wells was pitching like Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. The team had just taken three of four from the Brewers and had crawled to within two games of first place. For the first time this year, I had little to complain about and, believe it or not, I was excited. Yes, I was excited.

And then the Braves came to town. Now, keep in mind that this is not the Hank Aaron and Warren Spahn Braves. This is not the David Justice and Tom Glavine Braves. Heck, this is not even the Mark Lemke, Otis Nixon, and Jane Fonda-wondering-how-many-workout-tapes-she-is-going-to-sell Braves. This is the 2009 Braves. The same Braves that had not won a series on the road since the daily news actually included a story that did not involve Michael Jackson (for the record, it was late May). Go ahead, lookup "mediocre-to-poor" in the big book of baseball... I think there is a picture of Casey Kotchmann, Yunel Escobar and Martin Prado right there. And, to make matters worse, the Cubs did not have to face Atlanta's star young pitcher Tommy Hanson and Chipper Jones came down with a case of Mikebrownitis and missed the last two games of the series.

This is what I get for allowing myself to get excited about this year's team, even if for only a moment. This is what I get for thinking that maybe my October would be spent watching Cubs' playoff baseball, instead of spent hoping that Gilligan would finally get the hell off the island or at least solve the age-old riddle of Ginger or Mary Ann. This is what I get for belieiving that Hasbro Suckstein would turn into Kenner Awesomeberg, Big Z would win 20, and Jake Fox would turn into a modern-day Roy Hobbs.

Like I said, just when you thought it was safe to believe that 101 years is enough ... At least I can be fairly certain that I will not get eaten by a shark. Although those troughs do look awfully scary.

Random Thoughts about the last couple of games and developments...

As many of you know, I will no longer refer to the leftfielder by name. Simply stated, I have had enough. I just do not like him and never have, regardless of what he does. I do not like him when he hits homeruns with the score 8-1 and I do not like him when he strikes out in a clutch situation. I do not like him when he does that stupid hop and I do not like him when he does that equally stupid homerun celebratation where he slaps himself in the head. I do not like him when he swings at a curveball in the dirt or when he swings at a slider in the dirt or when he swings at a forkball in the dirt...

...or when he swings at a palmball, spitball or an Eephus pitch in the dirt.

I do not like him here or there. I do not like him anywhere. Dan I am.

In talking about the left fielder during Tuesday night's game, Bob Brenly lamented that the fans will never be happy with where he bats in the lineup, noting that they will complain when he fails to come through in the leadoff spot, but will also complain when he fails to come through with runners on base in the middle of the order. Brenly (who I like), concluded, "So what it Lou supposed to do?"

Oh, I don't know... how about asking him to guard the Gatorade Machine and Kosuke's lucky Hello Kitty doll and then leaving him there. Forever. Wednesday's game was a start. Let's hope it is a trend.

* And, while he is at it, he may want to look under the benches and in the bat rack for his missing power stroke. Better check's Moises' old piss bucket while he is at it.

* Nice to see David Patton come down with James Edwards disease. Or is it the Joe Kleine flu? The Robert Parish Affliction? Mad Bull Disease?

* I understand that if the Cubs try and send Patton to Iowa, they run the risk of the Rockies (Patton's former team) reclaiming him for $25,000. Frankly, after watching Patton pitch this year and the fact that he is less likely to pitch a scoreless inning than Megan Fox is to be an upcoming contestant on "The Biggest Loser," I fail to see the risk. Frankly, my guess is that the Rockies would see $25,000 worth of rocky mountain oysters, John Denver records and Jason Marquis autographed menorahs as a better investment. In other words, I do not think he would go anywhere and, if he did, wouldn't that be a good thing?

* The Japanese Twister has actually performed admirably since being moved to the leadoff spot. He still drives me nuts when he spins around, though. My question is, where is he going? When he swings and misses, I cannot help but wonder if someone left an eggroll in the first-base on-deck circle.

* If you think Ryan Dempster's toe will be healed in only four weeks, you probably also believed that Mark Prior had only had a small set back and will be back on the hill in ten days. Couldn't he have dropped an anvil on it or suffered the injury in a wrestling match with a tiger? Injured while celebrating and trying to jump out of the dugout? That is so Cubs. The next thing we are going to learn is that Soto's sudden oblique strain happened while he was enjoying the High School Musical Dance-Along.

* Kevin Hart may have only given up one run in five innings, but he did walk five batters, including the pitcher with two-on and two-outs. In other words, I have no idea where Kevin Tapani is these days or whether Mark Clark is out of detox yet, but, I can tell you that Kevin Hart is not the answer.

* In fact, you may also wish to check with Mike Morgan at the Pep Boys on Halsted if either Tapani or Clark is not willing to answer the call. After all, Rich Harden has somehow turned into a right-handed Gopherball Glendon. By the way, what is it with ex-A's superstar pitchers? Tim Hudson's arm makes Dave Dravecky's look healthy and, last I heard, Mark Mulder was spending all his time looking for aliens with Scully (of, you mean, that was Fox Mulder?). Note to Jim Hendry... if Billy Beane calls, ignore him.

Have a great night!!!

***By the way, for those of you confused by yesterday's "Spaghetti Jimmy" reference, don't you people watch television? Turn off the WE and Climaxx and watch a little network. You'll know who he is in no time. And you sure as hell will not have any desire to get a Capital One Credit Card.