He Must Be Shocked When Marmol or Heilman Walk a Batter

Thanks to a Barenaked Ladies show at the Taste of Chicago and good times with Random Thoughts readers Bearister and WBWife (as well as hopefully soon-to-be RT reader Tom), I missed most of last night's Cubs game. And, oh boy, would I have loved to see the Pirates' first run, which apparently scored when Freddy Sanchez took advantage of a Ted Lilly wild pitch, a lazy retrieval of the ball by Geo Soto, and Lilly's imitation of Brant Brown, to score from second. Let me repeat that... to score from second.

Oh yeah, I also missed seeing some dude from Princeton who I had never heard of before limit the Cubs to four hits in seven innnings. I watched lowlights of the game and, frankly, I have not seen that many swings and misses since Kramer took a bucketful of Titlelists to Rocky Point.

Bearister and I did get to hear the top of the 8th inning, however, and, therefore, got to hear Ron Santo exclaim "I cannot believe this! I just cannot believe it!" The question that immediately when through my mind was "What in the heck just happened in the booth or on the field?"

Was there a Pops Stargell sighting at PNC and does he now weigh 650 pounds? Did the Pirate Parrot mistake a small child for a cracker? Did Beaver Falls, PA's own Mr. Belvedere finally have enough of Wesley's crap and kick the snot out of him? Was Mr. Rogers supplementing his income by helping Zack and Miri with their new film career? (All set in Pittsburgh, people).

Oh no, Alfonso Soriano had just struck out with runners on second and third and no outs in a 3-0 game. And Santo is surprised?

Look Ron, I know you cannot seem to remember what happened from batter to batter and I know that it is, therefore, unfair to expect you to remember that trusting Soriano in a clutch situation these days is about as risky as eating Apu's marked down sandwich meat at the Kwik-E-Mart, but c'mon. You are really surprised? What, don't you read Dan's Random Sports Thoughts? Can't you at least have Judd Sirott read it to you? Heck, he isn't good for anything else (I never cared for Andy Mazur or Corey Provus, but I have got to say that Sirott may be the worst play-by-play guy in history. Imagine that guy calling a game with Chris Singleton. Now take the skewers out of your eyes. It will be alright).

The bottom line is that certain events in sports and life demand a "I cannot believe it" or a similar exclamation. When the USA Hockey team shocked the Soviets in the '80 Olympics, Al Michaels call of "Do you believe in miracles?" was appropo (by the way, what you could not hear is Al asking the Eastern Airlines stewardess to use a little less teeth). When Jack Buck noted "I don't believe what I just saw!" as a gimpy Kirk Gibson circled the bases in the '88 World Series it was fitting. And if you ever go for a nice, peaceful walk around the block and see a Zucchini Monster run down the street and enter a house made of donuts, you should feel free to yell "I don't believe it!"

But a Soriano strikeout in a clutch situation? This is not cause for calling John Davidson, Fran Tarkenton, Cathy Lee Crosby and an old ABC film crew. Dean Cain is not going to interrupt his report on Zalawian shrunken heads or the woman in Burundi who was born with the head of an Octopus to talk about Fonzie's latest pathetic at-bat. Perhaps just a "How much longer are we going to pay this guy to suck?" is most appropriate.

* By the way, the Cubs marketing staff wants you to know that you only have two days left to vote for Soriano as the National League's starting all-star left-fielder. At first glance, I could not stop laughing, but the more I thought about it and the implications, the more I voted. After all, should the Cardinals or Brewers (or dare I say it, the Reds or Astros -- who are now in front of the Cubs in the standings if you have not noticed) catch fire and make the World Series, I am going to certainly want the American League to have home field advantage and having Soriano strike out in the all-star game offers a promising start.

* Finally, after BNL had completed their main set last night, I heard echoes of "Encore! Encore!" Well, I have to imagine that it was RT fans clamoring for more Joanna Krupa and I am all too happy to oblige. And anyone who wants to point out that she makes Brenda Walsh seem like a kind person and swears more often than Lee Elia when talking about Cubs' fans, I remind you that there is no reason to discuss what should happen with Michael Jackson's kids with her. In fact, I'm kinda hoping that she is a little too busy for that.