Sunday, July 13, 2008

Who Needs Two?

Okay, what do you say we not waste time with a pathetic intro about my prolonged absence (which incidentally lasted exactly 17 weeks and five days longer than Edward Stratton III's marriage) and instead jump right into the fun? And, no, you won't find any two word phrases on your fax machine. After all, I have no interest in ultimately moving to Washington D.C. (unless, of course, I get to live next to Saaaandra).

* Word has come out that Kerry Wood is off to visit a hand specialist about his "friction" blister. Uh oh.

For those of you interested, on August 5 the San Diego (he will always be the San Diego) Chicken will be appearing at Principal Park. Already got tickets to the R. Kelly "It's a Damn Good Thing I'm Famous" show that night and can't make it? Well, exactly one week later, it is lunchbox night. A new Knight Rider one would be cool...

I'm not saying, I'm just saying. Better order your tickets now to be safe.

* By the way, teens get in for half price. That's the R. Kelly show, not the Iowa Cubs game. And, by the way, I hear Marc Chumura will be there for those of you who admit to being Packers fans.


* Wait, what the heck do you mean Rich Hill is going to be featured on the lunchbox and not David Hasselholf?!?

* I love the Rich Harden acquisition. I hate the fact that the Cubs are going to treat him with kid gloves. Look, the guy is either hurt or he isn't. And, if he isn't, I say screw the pitch count. And, if he is...well, let's hope Sean Gallagher does not turn into Ricky Nolasco.

In any event, did I mention that September 1 is Tony LaRussa Bobblehead night? Say hello to Micah Hoffpauir and Jason Dubois while you are there. And don't forget to get your picture taken next to the Mark Prior Memorial Towel Drill Statute.

* Wait a second...a Tony LaRussa bobblehead doll night at an Iowa Cubs game? What the hell is that? That makes about as much sense as asking Kelvin Sampson to teach a class on college basketball recruiting ethics. I mean, couldn't they find some other manager that would be willing to have their likeness memorialized in bobble-head form? Did Jim Riggleman say no? Could they not find Bruce Kimm to get his permission? Haven't they ever heard of Herman Franks?

Coming in 2009... A.J. Pierzynski punching bag night and Steve Bartman autographed earphones day.

* Yes, Jason Dubois is back in the Cubs system. See...sure I've been gone for a while, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. He's actually hitting a lot of home runs. I would not be too concerned about my job if I were Sore-iano, Edmonds or any of the other Cubs outfielders, but, if I was Crash Davis I may want to stop arguing with Orleans Parish District Attorney Jim Garrison regarding whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and think about practicing the line "records are meant to be broken."

* Hmm...Kevin Costner played both Crash Davis and Jim Garrison. Weird. I wonder how he reconciles that? Of course, he also played Robin of Locksley not that it has anything to do with anything.

* Look, I have no idea if the 100-year drought is going to end this October, but I do know that with British Columbia natives Harden and Ryan Dempster on the staff, the Cubs are not only the team most likely to have Molson in the clubhouse, but also the prohibitive favorites to win the MLB Curling championship and the Bryan Adams trivia challenge. Perhaps the new owner can look into paying these guys with jugs of moose milk.

* The answer to question #25 in the aforementioned challenge, by the way, is "Summer of '69." Paramedics to the WGN Radio booth. I repeat, paramedics to the WGN Radio booth stat!

* At least if things do not work out, we have a built in excuse now. "With their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies..." Just ask Sheila Brofslowski.

* Whoa! Carlos Marmol suddenly turned into a combination of Felix Heredia and Antonio Alfonseca. If I was Lou or Larry Roth-S-child, I would check to make sure he still has only five fingers on each hand. Now, I am a self-admitted pessimist when it comes to my favorite baseball team and so it shouldn't surprise you to hear that Marmol's recent performance has me as worried as a parent who lets his child spend the night with Michael Jackson, but even the most optimistic Cubs fan has to admit that this is real cause for alarm and has the potential to really hinder the bullpen for the rest of the year. Anyone know what Matt Karchner is up to?

* Remember in the early-mid 80's when all things Australia were the rage? A time when American culture was dominated by the land where women glow and men plunder? A time when Koala Blue was the place to see and be seen. A time when Olivia Newton-John was more than just the chick in the tight leather pants who tells Danny Zucko he better shape up because she needs a man. I certainly do.

I take you down memory lane to remind you that, as cruel as it is, many imports have a limited shelf life and I am concerned that major league pitching has figured out the Cubs' right fielder. Let's just hope that Kosuke lasts longer in Chicago than Shingo and does not find himself joining Takatsu working in a Hello Kitty factory six miles north of Osaka.

* Wait a minute...I recognize that foreman who is asking Hee Seop Choi to sew those Chococat dolls a little more quickly. Why yes, it is Bruce Kimm!!!

* Yes, I have used that one before. Jeez, I was hoping that at least one of you out there was named Jason Bourne.

* Yeah, that one too. Can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover.

* Why is nobody in Chicago talking about the fact that Derrek Lee has hit the same number of home runs since June 1 as CC Sabathia? I have not seen a power outage like this since millions of Notheasterners had to miss the Disney premiere of The Cheetah Girls in August of '03. Hey, at least he is not Paul Konerko...

* For those of you wondering... Thing One*** is hitting .183 for the Baltimore Orioles and still terrorizing Sally and that unnamed kid on days when it is too wet to play. Thing Two is hanging out with Lenny Bruce in an amphetemines den, patiently awaiting a call from Dusty Baker. Stephen Hawking Hairston is hitting .349 (.349!!!) for the Reds (Ty Cobb Hairston?). And Random Thoughts Hottie #1 welcomed Honor Marie Warren on June 7. Okay now...everyone together...and don't worry...it will come back to you. Knee-high black leather boots. Navel piercing. Nancy Callahan dancing on the bar in Sin City. Now, isn't that better?

* Finally (and I still cannot believe I have waited this long to blog about this!), I must share one of the most satisfying experiences I have had at a sporting events with the loyal readers of the Random Thoughts. As most of you know, there are certain athletes that are rather, shall we say, disliked by this author and widely criticized for their inept ability, aggravating manner or downright stupidity. I, for example, would not shed a tear if Hawk Harrelson, A.J. Pierzynski or Will Oh-Man! found themselves on Drew Petersen's hit list, but few athletes have been written about in this space with more vitriol that Einstein Jones.

And so it was last October when, on an unseasonable 89-degree Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting in the second row of the centerfield bleachers watching my beloved Cubs get swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. I believe it was the top of the eight inning when it dawned on me, WrigleyBill's wife and everyone else around us that there would be no amazing comback and the North Siders' season was about to come to an end. And there he was...a mere 15-20 feet away.

Well, exactly what I said is not important.. What is important is that Jacque Jones, the man who has raised more ire than anyone in Random Thoughts history, turned around, looked me in the eye, and gave me the the one-finger salute. Yes, Einstein you are #1. And, no, I would not like fries with that.

***For those of you who are new to the RT and those of you who are Jason Bourne...Thing One is former-Cub Freddie Bynum, thing two is Neifi Perez, Stephen Hawking Hairston is Jerry Hairston Jr. (duh!), and Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is Susan Storm, aka Honey Daniels, aka Max Guevara, aka "Possibly The Hottest Chick on the Planet."

* Sheesh, do you expect me to do all the work for you?

5 comments:

All Hail the Chief said...

So it came to me the other day while watching a certain member of the Cubs bullpen and then watching that fabulous ABC reality show -- Carlos Mar-Mole. Can anyone else explain his pitching as of late? Can there be an explanation for it other than he was planted to sabotage the rest of the team? And with the way he's been blowing games lately, how does Mar-Mole get named to replace Mr. Blister on the All Star team?

Anonymous said...

Dan,
Good to have you back. As much as I miss your posts they are just not as satisfying as seeing you parade thru Glen Ellyn.

The fact that "Blister" Wood is going to a specialist is problematic. The fact that this is what the Cubs have said should be even more disturbing. Where is he really going?

Love the SD Chicken. What ever happened to the old Pirates mascot that looked like a parrot? What is that new thing they have in the outfield? Is the Phanatic still around?

LaRussa, who will ever figure St.L out? How does Dusty look to you know in Cin? What ever happened to Don Baylor?

I like the Cubs chances better than the White Sox. They play better baseball and given the NL, they should be OK if they stay healthy. I was just behind the cheddar curtain and had the chance to watch this weekend's Brewer's games. I was surprised how sloppy their baseball is. Maybe they were looking forward to the break but I'd worry more about St. L than CC. Have there ever been 2 fatter guys on one team than CC and Prince?

Hottie #1, I agree. There are some close second place contestants but nothing like Nancy taking the whole WW "lasso of truth" fantasty to another level.

Good to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hey!

Welcome back Cudjoe.

Do you think that with 2 Canadians on the roster they might be able to convince a certain pop singer to reprise her role as the Almighty and intervene on the Cubs' behalf this year? Jay and Silent Bob can throw out the first pitch.

Speaking of pitchers and pop stars, where would Alyssa Milano rate on the Random Thoughts Hottie list? Having just returned from our grade school reunion, I was in an early 80's frame of mind.

Does your reference to Kevin Costner mean that you are predicting that Wrigley will be a "Field of Dreams" this October?

As for S'Kerry Wood, do the Cubs really take us all for fools? After all the half truths (and that is generous) about the health of their pitchers, we should all take the view that actions speak louder than words. I will not count on Kerry Wood until I see him on the mound again throwing strikes (and hopefully not hitting the first guy he faces).

Anonymous said...

Dan,

Glad you're back, hope summer is well!

1 - 100% agree on Harden, love the move, but no to babysitting him.

2 - Rich Harden - acquired at the break, wears #40. Rick Sutcliffe -acquired for the second half in 1984, wore #40. Daddy Like!

3 - The Cubs have to win it all... the three-way of Hard-ON, Wood and Fuk-u-do-me is all-time name material.

At least this year, I won't be walking down a ramp in Jack Murphy Stadium for three days straight crying as a 13-year old. SD can't make the playoffs, can they? I wish the Chicago outfit would have seen to Mr. Steve Garvey's accidental plunge off a cliff......

GO CUBS!

Peyton's Girl said...

Welcome back!! Its not summer without your Random Cubs thoughts! Keep em coming!!!