* Well looky here, Rex the Wonder Dog is back for another season of pinpoint passes, 25-yard scrambles, and media-savvy postgame interviews. You know, it remains an absolute shame that the Bears could not find a way to beat Peyton Manning and those pesky Colts in Super Bowl XLI given the fact that Rex truly deserved a better fate with the way he carried the team all season. It says here that Rex will finally take his rightful place in the upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks. Break out the bulldozers folks... it's time to start constructing the "Wonder Dog Wing" in Canton.
Wait...you mean, this isn't http://www.iowerexgrossmanmoney.com/ or http://www.rexsavedmefromapackoframpagingwildebeest.com/? Oh well, never mind.
In all seriousness, can somebody please explain to me the thinking regarding bringing Rex back for another season of abject crapiness? Have sales slowed in Chicago area liquor stores that much? Look, I am not going to stand here and boast that I have been adamant from the very beginning that Rex would do absolutely nothing to make anyone forget Jim McMahon (it's the Bears folks ---it's the best I could do...), but, as it turns out, Rex has not even done anything to make anyone forget Bob Avellini or Vince Evans (hey, to his credit, he has done enough to make us all forget Henry Burris). He sucks...it is really that simple.
It is a strange phenomenon, but for some reason certain people seem to have trouble letting go of things that are downright bad for them. Mr. Mom, for example, had a heck of a time trying to get Kenny to give up his Woobie... Maggie Simpson is freakishly attached to her pacifier... the Freelings wouldn't leave their house even after Carol Anne was sucked into the TV and the house told them it was haunted. I do not know whether it is Angelo, Lovie, Ron Turner or old lady McCaskey who is to blame and has an unhealthy affinity for short, lame-duck throwing former-Gator signal callers, but somebody please make Rex go away.
* All I can say is...go get em' Kyle. And if, even in spite of his ineptitude, it looks like the Wonder Dog is going to be behind center on opening night at Lucas Oil Stadium, go find Jeff Gillooly and see if you can borrow his crowbar.
*I guess you have to question whether it really matters who the Bears' QB is when the team's receiving corps consists of Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd, Mark Bradley, Rashied Davis and the aforementioned Zackary Bowman (don't get excited...he ain't gonna make the team.. although, if he did, he wold instantly be the greatest Zackary in the history of the NFL). Let that group really sink in and then wonder why Wendell Davis or Brian Baschnagel was not offered a contract. Heck, I'd think about asking Nick Nolte's character in North Dallas Forty to pop a few painkillers and strap on the pads.
I mean...Marty Booker? Did I accompany Dr. Emmett Brown in the DeLoren? What year is it anyway? 2000? Is Britney Spears still hot? Are people still listening to this Sony Walkmen? Why didn't the team bring back D'Wayne Bates and pick Alonzo Mayes out of the gutter?
It's not all bad, I suppose, as I actually think that Lloyd is going to have a better season than most expect, love Greg Olsen's potential as a tight end, and would like to see a guy like Mike Hass get a chance (see Waddle, Tom). But, to summarize...the Bears wide receivers? Umm...not a team strength.
* Well, hello there Mr. Benson. Welcome to the crappy ex-Chicago Bears Running Backs Club. This room here is known as the bust room. Say hello to Curtis Enis. He is the guy sitting right over there in the orange jump suit. And that fellow there...the one behind all the smoke, wearing the Toronto Argonauts Ricky Williams jersey and listening to Bob Marley... that's Rashaan Salaam. Please do not mind the corpse in the corner...Mrs. Hayward has been delayed in picking up Iron Head's remains for some time now. No, no you can't sit there. That seat is reserved for Kevin Jones. Don't you see the knee brace? Oh, and that guy there, that's Gary Scott. Wait a minute, how did you get out of the crappy ex-Cubs Third Baseman's Club? I specifically told Kevin Orie to keep an eye on you.
* Speaking of busts, why is it that everytime I hear a siren, I immediately think "Huh, I didn't know David Terrell was back in Chicago."
* And why do I always see Ricky Manning Jr. running the other way?
* In all seriousnes, you kind of have to feel bad for Benson. The poor guy was so close to completing the John Daly Memorial World Tour and now he does not get to go to Bourbon-nais. I mean, he had already made it to Margaritaville, Beer-ington, Rum-ington Heights and Zima-land. Damn cops and their blasted sobriety tests!
* Looks like it is going to be up to Thomas Jones to carry the load. Wait a minute, what did we get for him again? A bag of Doritos and an autographed photo of Freeman McNeil? Please at least tell me they were Cool Ranch.
* I doubt the offensive line is going to be a strength either, although there certainly may be some promise. Few in Chicago know much about first round draft pick Chris Williams of Vanderbilt, so let me introduce him to you all...
He is the only man to ace a "draw this turtle" art test. Everytime he goes swimming, Cedric Benson's boat appears. Aliens have asked him to take them to Eric Cartman's house. His organ donation card lists his toe nails. He is a fighter and not a lover, ut if you look like Kathering Heigl, he's going for it, so look out. His legend preceeds him like Jack Haley used to precede Dennis Rodman. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Busch Light Draft.
Too bad many scouts say he can't run block. Stay skeptical my friends.
* At least Olin Kreutz returns. of course, with both Rex and Olin back in the fold, we better set the over/ under on the number of dropped snaps at 12.
That's 12 per half.
* Good to see Mike Brown back in the orange and blue as well. Hey kids! Let's play "What's Mikey's next injury going to be?" And your choices are...
A. Pulled hamstring while tackling Kevin Jones in practice (who will likewise be injured on the play)
B. Broken nose after running into a wall after mistaking Garrett Wolfe for a smurf
C. Migraine headaches after spending 17-straight endless nights trying to teach Devin Hester a basic slant route
D. Sprained wrist from trying to prove to Chris Williams that he too can ace the "draw the turtle" art test
E. _________________ (Your turn! How do you think Brownie will get injured?)
* One of the biggest questions facing the defense is what version of Mark Anderson and Charles Tillman they are going to get. With regards to Anderson, are they going to get the fifth-round steal that terrorized quarterbacks as a rookie or the guy who looked all too much like Alonzo Spellman (without the handcuffs or ankle bracelet that is) during his sophomore campaign? Like every team, the Bears need to get pressure from off the edge and Anderson can be the guy.
A similar question applies to Tillman who has gone from being a future star to being an absolute disaster to being a solid NFL corner. Will the Bears get the guy who treated Randy Moss like his b*tch in a 2003 game at Soldier Field or the guy who was victimized by Steve Smith for 218 yards in the 2006 playoffs? If you believe in signs and you are an optimist (read: Bearister), you point to the fact that Brandon Lloyd voluntarily chose to sign with the Bears, when he likely could have signed with Minnesota or Detroit and gotten to face Peanut twice in the same season (don't even bring up Nathan Vasher...he will probably be shelved with a shoulder or an ankle or a bruised testicle). Of course, if you are a pessimist (read: me), well, you are probably going to just spend the winter counting the days until the Cubs' 101st season since their last World Series championship (Alex Romero?!?).
* Glad to see Tommie Harris healthy. I really like Tommie and trust that his realtive ineffeciveness last season is due to te fact that he was only playing at about 60%. Harris is a difference maker in the middle of the defensive front and can keep blockers off Urlacher and Briggs. Of course, Lance and Brian come with their own issues. After acting like Rod Tidwell when poor Jerry was trying desperately to keep at least one client from Bob Sugar's clutches, let's just hope that the two All-Pro linebackers are not too busy counting their money and are focused on making sure Adrian Peterson does not go for 300 against the Bears' D. Show me the money? Show me the tackles...
* And, finally, we come to the coaches: Lovie, Ron Turner and Bob Babich. Ron Turner we already know about. If you like vanilla ice cream, you probably love the Bears' offensive coordinator. He has about as much outward imagination as Adrian after prematurely giving birth to Rocky's son. At least, we think we know what Ron is all about and capable of. I suppose we do have to take into consideration the fact that he is hampered with the Wonder Dog at QB, John St. Clair (what in the heck is John St. Clair still doing in the NFL?) on the O-Line and a miserable sack of crap at the majority of the skill positions (my apologies to Greg Olsen). I guess when Mrs. Turner defends her husband by asking what Rembrandt's works would have looked like if he had only been able to use one color of paint, what the Beatles' music would have sounded like if they would have only been able to use the sitar, or how fondly people would really remember the movie When Harry Met Sally were it not for the Meg Ryan orgasm scene and you really can't do anything but shrug your shoulders and admit that she has a point.
I think we also know about Lovie. He is African American. He from a place called Big Sandy. He likes the Cover Two defensive scheme like Cookie Monster likes cookies (I'll tell you what...Lovie, you try a man-press blitz and Cookie Monster you try a Kit Kat Bar. Now, isn't that nice?). He says that Rex is his quarterback. Ahhh...I knew there was some reason I did not like him. Quick, someone go to Florida and bring back Ditka, just, please remind him to leave Doug Flutie at the midget circus.
The biggest question mark is Bob Babich. You sort of half to feel bad for Bob given all the injuries he had to contend with during his first season on the job. The truth is that we really do not know much about him other than he apparently also used to live in CoverTwoVille with his best buddy Lovie. The bottom line is that, while I am generally willing to give Babich and the defense the benefit of the doubt, something tells me that Ron Rivera is basking in the San Diego sun, sharing a cocktail with Ron Burgandy, and laughing at how far the Bears have fallen since the 2007 Super Bowl. Babich, after all, has to worry about Harris' knee; Vasher's groin; Dvoracek's ACL; Brown's foot, ankle, knee, thigh, shoulder, arm, hand, neck, back, pancreas, and ovaries; Anderson's sophomore suckiness; Alex Brown's career suckiness, Ricky Manning Jr.'s bail; where Hunter Hillenmeyer misplaced his hair gel; Danieal Manning's superfluous 'A',; and Paris Hilton's possible pregnancy and the effect it may have on his middle linebacker.
Ron Rivera just has to worry about making sure Shawne Merriman's nandrolone shipment arrives safe and sound every week. Ain' t life grand?
* Bottom line: It will come as no surprise to hear that I think it is going to be a long season for the Bears. I hate to say it, but, as things stand right now, I think we are looking at a 6-10 season and that may be being generous. Prove me wrong Rex...prove me wrong...
*** Once again, I do plan on posting as much as possible, so, if you enjoy what you read, please be sure to check back often. I would rather not fill your mailboxes with annoying e-mails.
11 comments:
Brown will break all of his fingers while while reading RANDOM SPORTS THOUGHTS and trying to draft his fantasy team at the same time! Nice work Dan, keep them coming!
Todd
E. Broken toe in camp from kicking at clovers in the grass like an 8 year old playing Little League while bored waiting for someone, anyone from the offense to actually make it into the secondary!
Wait a minute, I thought I was commenting on the Bears yesterday but it was not about the bears. I actually like the polar kind and I think if they can add a few and some big black ones, it would be better than that dog you keep abusing. After all, dogs should not be placed in such a bad situation. If they have to play against lions and bengals and such it is unfair. Randy likes dogs alot and even he didn't .....who is this Dan anyway. Did I date him?
Okay, c'mon now. It's only fun if we know who you are "Anonymous..." Please do tell.
Maybe it is someone you dated, Dan, and deosn't want "thewife" to know!!
Six Million!!!! For What!!! A signing bonus is what you get for the privilege of signing a new contract. "Welcome to our team; we're so happy to have you. He's a bunch of money you haven't earned yet but we think you will soon." OR "Well, your contract is up and we are so happy with the job you've done. We want to keep you around for a while longer. Here is a bunch of money; keep up the good work." But no one should get a signing bonus for whining that he needs more money to pay his orthopedic surgeon.
Urlacher is on the wrong side of 30 and has real injury issues. I know, he led the team in tackles, solo tackles, and interceptions last year. There is no question he is still a good player. But a contract is a contract (see Scotty Pippen). If the Bears really believe that Urlacher will return to being the superstar he was and that he didn't get enough money when he signed his long-term deal then they can give him a nice raise. But if he trips over Dusty Dvoracek's shoe lace next week trying to stop Adrian Peterson (the lesser) at the line and breaks his leg Jim Finks will be rolling in his grave.
Then again, considering what Urlacher did on the field last year at less than 100%, what does that say about the rest of the defense. Maybe we should just put the aforementioned Dusty on the nose to count to five Mississippi and let the linebackers and d-backs do all the work.
This all leads to the reason why Rex is still a Bear. Obviously the team has a limited budget and needed to give more money to Urlacher and Briggs and could not afford a real QB. But more importantly Team McCaskey is following the old Chicago Cubs/Wrigley Field theory. You know the argument that the stadium will be sold out no matter what team they put on the field so why bother to really try. Besides, look at the other QB's in the NFC Naught: Aaron Rodgers, Tavaris Jackson and Jon Kitna. No one there to scare you. So all we need to do is play defense and put out an offense that can keep the team in the game and we'll get to the playoffs. He got us to the Super Bowl once before so he can do it again.
That being said, it is just as likely that Kyle Orton will be the signal caller when the Bears lose in Indianapolis on Sunday night. Orton has shown signs of ability and has proven he can win games. But the truth is, he is no better or worse than Rex. He is just different and sometimes different is good.
So, without mentioning D-Lee's inability to get a clutch hit or the fact that he must lead the league in hitting into double plays by now, let me just say that I'm not worried. I know Cudjoekey can't sleep and he has no fingernails left to bite. But St. Louis and Milwaukee can beat each other up this week while the Cubs turn it around the next two games. With four against the fish and then the battle royale in Milwaukee we should all be breathing a sigh of relief 10 days from now. But just to make sure, I'm taking my boy up to Milwaukee on Friday to cheer on Carlos Lee and Astros.
And hey, Jimmy's in town so he'll probably make a good luck appearance at Wrigley this weekend. FINS UP!!!
6-10?!?
Come on, Dan. Let's have a little faith in Devin Hester to steal a couple more games. Pretty soon his reputation will be bigger even than Michael Vick's (at least before his canine issues).
In reality, and I like to think I am a realist more than an optimist, I think that RTWD is really short. You know how in basketball they say you can't teach height - well it's true in football too. I believe that most of his problems arise directly or indirectly from certain permanent impediments (unless you're a fan of Nip/Tuck), including being short, having small hands and a small brain. His success in the first "quarter" of 2006 (thanks, Lovie) was quickly addressed by the advance scouting in the NFL. It's sort of like when a certain rookie rightfielder starts going through the league a 2nd or 3rd time and pitchers figure him out.
Anyway, I won't make any predictions since they are worth about as much as Mike Brown futures right after he is impaled on the end zone pylon.
Finally, I laughed so hard I cried at the Dos Equis references. The best line ever iin those ads is "his reputation precedes him like lightening precedes thunder."
Bear Down my friends.
I am so in the minority here on this great blog. Does my name give me away???? Great thoughts Dan, love it, but just watch out for those pesky Colts on September 7. Unless I can't get Peyton on my already tight (oh please excuse that choice of wording) schedule for some rehab on that precious knee........ I am ready for some football!!! :)
When is Derrek Lee going to earn the moniker "Sammy Sosa"?
I'm much too busy trying to jump start my career in commercial art (my turtle drawing skills are at least above average) to comment on this blog.
Stats for first two seasons in which the player played significant time in 8 games or more
Drew Brees: 27 games, 5400 yards, 28 TDs, 31 picks
Brett Favre: 31 games, 6500 yards, 37 TDs, 37 picks
Troy Aikman: 26 games, 4400 yards, 20 TDs, 36 picks
Rich Gannon: 29 games, 4500 yards, 28 TDs, 22 picks
Peyton Manning: 32 games, 7800 yards, 52 TDs, 43 picks
Jim McMahon: 22 games, 3700 yards, 21 TDs, 20 picks
Steve Young: 24 games, 3300 yards, 16 TDs, 16 picks
John Elway: 26 games, 4300 yards, 25 TDs, 29 picks
Warren Moon: 30 games, 6000 yards, 27 TDs, 30 picks
Matt Hasselbeck: 29 games, 5100 yards, 22 TDs, 18 picks
Rex Grossman: 24 games, 4600 yards, 27 TDs, 27 picks
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