If The Walls Could Talk

It has been a couple of weeks now since Ozzie Guillen infamously used an offensive slur to describe Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti and, for the most part, the situation seems to have died down. Ever since, major league baseball commissioner Bud Selig responded to the incident by “sentencing” Ozzie to sensitivity training and fined the White Sox skipper an undisclosed amount of money, Ozzie has, to his credit, avoided even a hint of controversy and stayed focused on managing the White Sox to the second best record in baseball. Sure selecting Mark Buehrle (9-5, 3.86, 51 K) to the American League All-Star team over the Twins’ Francisco Liriano (9-1, 1.99, 94 K) and the Tigers’ Justin Verlander (10-4, 3.01, 69 K) makes about as much sense as Zack, Screech, Lisa and Mr. Belding all magically moving at the same time from Indianapolis to southern California, but, hey, even I am willing to overlook such stupidity and concentrate on the fact that Ozzie has not offended anyone in public for at least a couple of weeks.

So, what about the prescribed sensitivity training? Those of you who follow baseball closely recognize that the league office moves painfully slow and, therefore, are probably not overly surprised that there has yet to be a report that Ozzie has successfully completed his “training” (after all, this is the same outfit that took over a month to uphold Tyson Barrett’s 10-game suspension. And, now that I am on the subject, what in the heck did the hearing take four hours for? How long can it possibly take for Barrett to say “I punched him in his big, fat, doesn’t shut-up mouth?”). But, I have some rather surprising news for you. Although unreported (the Chicago media must have been too busy compiling a Tyson Chandler tribute video) Ozzie did, in fact, attend his training. And, with the magic of extendable ears and a well-placed microphone, we caught the whole thing…

Johnnie B.: Okay, dudes. Welcome to your mandatory sensitivity training session. Now, I know that many of you may be surprised to see me leading this session, but, hey, I’m sure to be out of work in a few short weeks and the Popeye’s on Jackson ain’t hiring. Maybe I can talk Felipe Alou into hiring me as his expert on double-switches. Oh wait, they already hate me in San Francisco, don’t they?

Bob: Can we just get on with this already. I have another baseless lawsuit to file. Those jackasses in Bloomington are still pissing me off.

Johnnie B.: Calm down. Calm down. Okay, what was I saying? Oh yeah. You are probably surprised to see me here, but, I have an established reputation as being the type of guy who can deal with all types of personalities and get the best out of people. Who am I to argue? I mean some people also think that Glitter should have been nominated for a 2002 Oscar. Anyway, even if my reputation is undeserved, you can be dang sure that I will not criticize any of you, for any reason, even if you cannot lay down a bunt, throw strikes or even if you have been reading the Sammy Sosa guide to hitting the cutoff man.

Lee: Hey, I have a job to get back to unlike most of the morons that go to Cubs’ games. Can we please get this over with?

Johnnie B.: Okay. Let’s get started. Please introduce yourself and tell us why you are here.

Bob: My name is Robert Montgomery and I have no clue why I am here. I am blameless.

Johnnie B.: Nice to have you here Knight.

Bob: [sternly grabs Johnnie by the arm]. YOU WILL CALL ME COACH KNIGHT! WHERE IS MY WHIP? SOMEBODY GET ME MY LAP DOG! QUINN BUCKNER? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU? ALFORD? GET OFF THAT TRACTOR, PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORK AND GET YOUR IOWA ASS OVER HERE!

Lee: Calm down, General, sheesh. Who do you think you are? Earl Weaver?

John: I’m John. I hate all of you.

Johnnie B: Okay. Nice to see you John. You used to pitch against my Giants when you were with the Braves, didn’t you?

John: Yes. But I hated taking the BART to Candlestick. Too many flaming [bleeps] in that fricking city!

Johnnie B.: At least we can easily pinpoint why you are here. How about you old timer?

Lee: I’m Lee. I’m here because before Wrigley Field was charming, a tourist trap, and the city of Chicago’s largest beer garden, it was a dilapidated old piece of crap, with horrible sightlines, bathrooms that make Grand Central Station’s look like they dropped from sanitary heaven, and 9,000 unemployed losers filling the seats.

Johnnie B.: Hold on, one minute dudes…Darren, please go play with your toy cars in the corner. J.T. Snow is not here to save you, this time. Okay. Next.

Ozzie: I am Oswaldo Jose Guillen Barrios. I am [beep]in’ here because I [beep]in’ called [beep]in’ Jay [beep]in’ Mariotti a [beepin]in’ [beep]. I [beep]in’ just have to [beep]in’ say that [beep]in’ I an nut [beep]in’ blun mugger [beep] [beep] [beep] and I deser gert [beep]. Muy kikjul havfur [bleep]in’ yacik.

Johnnie B.: Slow down! Nobody can understand a word you are saying.

Ozzie: [beep]in’ [beep]

Johnnie B: Is that everyone?

Ghost of Reggie White: Don’t forget about me. I offended more people than the South Park movie, Eminem and Rush Limbaugh combined yet, because I was “The Minister of Defense” and had that cool deep voice and stuff, nobody ever really came down particularly hard on me. I know that I am dead and all, but I figured that I really ought to pay for my offensive remarks. I mean, did you ever really think about exactly what I said to the Wisconsin State Legislature? I called homosexuals liars, cheaters, malicious people and backstabbers. I said that they were hurting our children and solely responsible for STDs. Responsible for STDs? Hadn’t I ever heard of Linda Lovelace or Christina Aguilera? Heck, I make the rest of you seem like choir boys. Wow!

Bob: Who in the heck are you calling a choir boy? I have never sang in my life. Oh yeah, except for that time when Parcells, LaRussa and I got drunk in Cabo. You should hear Tuna belt out "I Will Survive."

John: I once sang that song about hating everything about you.

Marc Bavaro, Marcus Vick, Pierre Pierce and the 2002 Notre Dame Football Team: [panting] Sorry, we’re late. What did we miss?

Johnnie B: I think you guys want the Sexual Deviance training. It’s in room 69. Right down the hall, next to the strippers anonymous meeting. Say hello to Elizabeth Berkeley for me. Good luck.

Johnnie B.: Okay. You were all asked to fill out a questionnaire before today’s meeting so we can begin to hone in on where your anger stems from. Let’s focus on question #3. Who is your biggest enemy? Ozzie, you answered the “Venezuelan mother[bleep]er Magglio Ordonez.”

Ozzie: Yeah, that [bleep]in’ guy is a [bleep]in’ [bleep].

Johnnie B.: Ozzie, man. You can’t say that. You should never call anyone a [bleep]. That is what got you into trouble in the first place. And that is especially true if they are in the media. I, of course, know precisely how to handle the media. I’ve got them all wrapped around my wristbands.

Ozzie: Wait a [bleep]in’ minute. Does this mean that I cannot continue to call Carol Slezak a [bleep].

Johnnie B.: Good lord…Of course not.

Ozzie: Why the [bleep]in’ hell not? It means, uh, uh, uh, beautiful woman in Spanish.

Johnnie B.: Now Ozzie, I have a Spanish dictionary right here.

Ozzie: It’s a [bleep]in’ Venezuelan regional dialect.

Johnnie B.: C’mon now…

Ozzie: Okay, okay. It’s a secret [bleep]in’ language that Joey Cora and I usually save for leather strap night in the bedroom. [Bleep]in’ happy now?

Bob: I’m with Ozzie. The media deserves to be called every bad name in the book. They are wholly responsible for my downfall at Indiana. Well, them and Myles Brand. I’d like to stuff his ass in a garbage can or kick his ass all over Puerto Rico.

Johnnie B.: Bob, you actually listed Neil Reed on your questionnaire. Who is Neil Reed?

Bob: Some little punk who I choked…I mean, some nice young student athlete to whom I taught the finer points of basketball.

Johnnie B.: You choked him? That wasn’t particularly smart, now, was it?

Bob: At least I did not kick him. I save that for my children. And was it smart? Sure, almost as smart as keeping Phil Nevin on the bench and continuing to allow Thing Two to take home a major league paycheck.

John: Don’t forget about Wavin’ Wendell! He was responsible for getting more guys called out trying to score than Sister Margaret at the Catholic girls school for ex-prostitutes.

Lee: Not to mention bringing in Dave Veres in the biggest spot of the season.

Johnnie B.: This is making me almost as depressed as when Gopherball Glendon pitches. Hey, maybe he would make a good starting pitcher.

Bob: Yeah, and maybe that was Lou Henson’s real hair. Cheater. Bruce Douglas had the intellectual capacity of a dead mule.

Johnnie B.: So, what about you Lee? You said Chicago Cubs fans.

Lee: That’s right. I mean, how stupid can those people possibly be? They continue to go to game after game, despite that fact that the team is absolutely terrible. They make my 1983 squad seem like a group of all-stars. Give me a Warren Brusstar over a Scott Williamson any day. Get a job people. Isn’t Weiner Circle hiring?

Johnnie B.: Now, John…you said scinapsihdnaskcalbsyag. What exactly is that?

John: That is my word for all of the losers who ride the New York City Number 7. I hate everyone. Except maybe Ozzie. You seem pretty cool.

Johnnie B.: Look, the bottom line is that we all have to learn sensitivity. We have to learn that our words can hurt others. And we must be ultra careful when we speak in public so we do not offend anyone’s feelings. Take me for example. You do not hear me call Mark Prior a frickin’ wuss whose pitching this year reminds me of Jaime Navarro, do you? I’ve learned not to potentially offend overpaid, overhyped pitchers who are likely to get hurt doing needlepoint. You never know when Sean Marshall is going to turn into one.

John: I call him that. He sucks.

Bob: Me too.

Lee: Yeah, that guy is pretty bad.

Ozzie: At least you [bleep]in’ people did not have to put up with the “Mark Prior Watch.” Where is the Pablo Ozuna Watch? Huh? [Bleep]in’ Tribune. Bunch of [bleeps].

Johnnie B.: Ozzie! For the rest of this session, I will not tolerate any offensive behavior or remarks. I am instituting a strict zero tolerance policy. Do you understand?

Lee: What are you going to do to punish us? Make us sit next to Weasley and Todd Walker on the bench, so you can play Thing Two? It’s a good thing that Thing One’s arm is falling off in the hospital. Otherwise, Derrek Lee’s job would probably be in trouble.

Bob: Zero tolerance? Why does that sound familiar? Have I heard that somewhere before? [Anger rising]

Johnnie B.: Bob, calm down. Bob, what are you doing with that chair?

[Loud noises. Yelling. Crashing sounds]

Lee: This place is an absolute mess! Maybe we can head over the Wrigley and start handing out brooms. We’ll pay those SOBs twenty cents an hour to clean it up. Losers

John: Hey, I need a job. If you need me, I’ll be down the hall with Bavaro and Pierce and the Domers

Ozzie: [Bleep]in’ [bleep].

[static]


Quick notes (real quick)…

* It is tough to criticize the Bulls’ Ben Wallace signing. He was one of the marquee names available on the market and, to their credit, the Bulls put their money where their mouth is. That said, they waaaaay overpaid for a guy who shoots worse that Stevie Wonder and has about as much offensive ability as the donkey in a donkey basketball game. It says here that his contact will eventually be an albatross.

I suppose I should pull the happy-o-meter out of the closet. With the signing of Wallace, I feel like Kevin during the first 70 minuts of American Pie. Sure, Vicky Lathum looks great and is really good at those things that she is actually willing to do, but where's the scoring? And I'm willing to bet that Kevin wasn't getting away with any $12 dates, either. Filling that cup at Stifler's house sure as heck wasn't free. I'm guessing about $150 per release and, like what the Bulls are paying Wallace, that's a bit much. He would have been better off picking someone up at Band Camp.

* Vegas obviously likes the move. The Bulls went from 40-1 to win the 2007 NBA title to 14-1 in the span of a couple of hours.

* Why are Bulls’ fans celebrating the trading of Tyson Chandler as if Gwen Stefani announced that she would be doing a private show for Random Thoughts readers…in the nude? Chandler was a huge disappointment in 2006, yes, but had shown a lot of promise at the end of 2004 (including leading the league in 4th quarter rebounding). I truly do not mind seeing Chandler go, but what is with all the vitriol?

Obviously, getting P.J. Brown was the key. A veteran big man will help the team immensely. That said, don’t sleep on J.R. Smith. He is young, talented and, last I checked, not in jail. Not a bad combination in today's NBA. (Happy-o-meter: Think Greg when he found out that Tami Cutler and Hal Barton were just interested in signing him as a solo act, rather than taking on the entire Brady clan. Greg was excited, yet a little disappointed at the same time. After all, even if he were to become a big star, he may still be, according to Cindy, a small person)

* The Cubs played a bunch of games and won a couple and lost a bunch. Not much else to see here.

* I know that the White Sox are still trailing the Tigers in the division, but, in my opinion, the best team in baseball plays their home games at U.S. Comiskular. I’m not going to play Rasheed Wallace and predict another World Series title, but you have got to like their chances. If nothing else, they will overtake the Tigers in the Central.

* Finally, kudos to Random Thoughts commenter Bearister for picking up on the Eddie Griffin story. Griffin who has a long history of legal problems, crashed his Escalade into a SUV in the early morning hours of March 30. No big deal right? Well, the facts regarding the accident are still leaking out. According to the owners of the SUV that was hit, Griffin was drunk, watching porn and, in the words of Beavis, spanking the monkey at the time of the accident. I really cannot do this story justice so I am not even going to try. Instead, you can read http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/basketball/nba/06/30/bc.bkn.timberwolves.griffin.ap/ if you are interested in all the details.

No jokes. I think you will agree that this one stands on its own merits.

Have a delightful day. I’m off to lunch with Oswaldo, Johnnie B., John and Lee. Screw the General.